Why Men Spam Women on Dating Sites by Noah Brand

(Link): Why Men Spam Women on Dating Sites by Noah Brand


The truth is, the spam messages are part of a strategy. It’s a strategy with two goals: to get the guy practicing it some attention from one or more girls, and to keep him emotionally protected in the process.

People keep doing it because it basically works, and even when it fails at the first part, it succeeds at the second. So on average, it’s a pretty good strategy in a Tragedy of the Commons kinda way.

…Third, and most importantly,  [by sending out multiple, impersonal e-mails to women on dating sites] I did not make any effort or expose even one inch of my actual humanity.

If, as is likely, none of those 300 women respond at all, I can deal with that.

It’s like lying on a bed of nails: the pain is distributed so widely that it’s entirely bearable. I exposed nothing of myself, and thus risked nothing of myself.

It’s not that these guys think that women enjoy receiving these feeble spasms of non-communication, it’s that they aren’t considering the recipients’ emotions at all.

They’re just trying to protect their own emotions, trying to avoid adding another dollop of rejection and invalidation to an already overwhelming sum. Sure, it’s less effective than actually communicating with women like human beings, but more importantly, it’s less frightening and it’s less painful.

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