Dear Abby: I Gave Up Dating, and 30 Years Later, I’m Lonely

Dear Abby: I Gave Up Dating, and 30 Years Later, I’m Lonely

This post has been edited to add even more reader comments from other sites that published this Abby letter. Virtually nobody is sympathetic with this guy.


I was genuinely feeling empathy and sympathy for this dude, right up until this phrase in his letter to Dear Abby:

I’m not attracted to women my age, and I don’t see younger women being attracted to an overweight old guy…”

Die alone, ageist rat bastard!

You’re in your 70s, by your own admission, you’re dumpy- or tubby- looking and don’t have a great income, but you pine after some 20, 30, or 40 or 50 year old hottie? (And I bet this sexist pig jerk expects any chick he dates to not only be younger but very thin, too.)

Oh get bent, ten times over!

And I really (Link): hate May December relationships in the first place.

I’m not even in my 70s yet, but bite me, you creep! You should be dating women your own age.

I’m in my 40s (and I stay in shape), and hell no, the majority of women don’t want to date a much-older guy, and the ones that do are generally after the dude’s money.

(Link, Chicago Sun Times): Dear Abby: I Gave Up Dating, and 30 Years Later, I’m Lonely | (Link, Yahoo news): Dear Abby | (Link): on STL Today

DEAR ABBY:

I am a 70-year-old male former teacher and social worker. I stopped dating 30 years ago because the only women I had loved had all dumped me. I felt I was only a temporary convenience to them.

Since then, I haven’t been romantically involved with anyone so I would not be dumped again.

However, I am lonely for female companionship and afraid I’ll die without ever having had another girlfriend.

I’m not attracted to women my age, and I don’t see younger women being attracted to an overweight old guy who isn’t even scraping by on Social Security. Dating services don’t screen their members. Is there a solution for this problem?

—[signed]  HOPELESS IN MISSOURI

Dear Hopeless

I’m sorry women in your age range don’t qualify, because it would be easier for you if they did.

To be appreciated for the person you are, you will have to meet through mutual friends, church or an activity you enjoy — something that will allow women to see the strengths you have.

However, if that doesn’t open some doors and some hearts, because you’re looking for unconditional love, consider adopting a puppy.

(end quotes)

Also check out the reader comments on (Link): this page.

comment by Lofty Bike

70, overweight, not interested in media and without a relationship for 30 years, missing “equal rights” becoming more and more reality. And this prince is not interested in a woman his own age, he wants a trophy girlfriend.

comment by Donna Roberts

LW sounds like my BIL who is no prize himself but wants no part of women his age (55), only hot 20-somethings. He hasn’t been on a date for years. Hopefully young women will see him how he really is and not be flattered by the attention of an older, skeevy man. So far, so good.

comment by Crazy Beautiful Marble (reply to Donna Roberts)

My dad was the same. Nobody was ever good looking or slender enough, and he told them so. He’s 83 and alone, bitter and wondering why.

comment by babaloo

I think I can speak for all the older ladies when I say “Dear LW: thank you for not bothering us with your paunchy, broke, grammar-mangling, pathetic self.”

discodecoequation

Right! Fat old whiner wants someone out of his league. I think a dog is a good idea but older dog, not a puppy for a 70 year old.

A woman whose 2nd husband was in his 80’s told me if you marry an older man, you’ll become his care giver. That’s how her marriage ended up. He fell and broke his hip getting up from his recliner.

After surgery, he made a medical directive to be placed in a hospice and all food and water withheld. He decided he was finished with living. He died 2 months later.

It’s funny that he thinks women his age would be attracted to him. There’s a reason the women dumped him.

He hasn’t dated in 30 years, is overweight, and barely scraping by on Social Security, but he still thinks he’s such a catch, too good for women his own age, that they are a waste of his time. This guy has been alone 30 years, and he has another 30 years coming up. NO sane woman will ever date him on a thousand buck bet.

looking for companionship, but not attracted to old women. Okay dude….go hire a hooker with your social security money.

comment by Todd Leone

The woman who dumped you 30-plus years ago must have had their reasons. So I have to point out that every time that happened, there was one particular person in the mix every time — you.

Now, here you are, 70, and suddenly you want feminine companionship again, and you want it from a woman in a considerably younger age group than your own. Yeah, right.

Good luck with that. Abby is right. Don’t get a puppy, though. Go down to your local ASPCA shelter and rescue a dog that needs a home Pick one that’s already housebroken, and if you give him or her food and shelter and attention, you’ll have a friend until one of you dies. If it’s the dog, you can adopt another one.

You’ll experience unconditional love, unless you think you’re just being used by the dog for food and shelter, of course.

comment by Kate Mary:

Sounds like my brother in law. Lonely and aging, but doesn’t want to date a woman his age. He’s in his 60’s and seems to be waiting for Jessica Alba, his dream girl to knock on his door.

He’s overweight, unshaven and his feet stink. His house is dirty. He smokes a lot of pot.He shows up empty handed for every holiday dinner.

He laments the ones that got away 40 years ago.

Perhaps if he got healthy, showered, loosened the purse strings and learned to appreciate a woman his own age, he might be happy.

comment by Bermuda Gal

I lost all sympathy for this old coot the moment he said that he’s not attracted to women his own age. And he’s absolutely right, no young woman’s going to be attracted to him either (unless he’s wealthy).

There are probably tons of older, lonely women who don’t need his money, but would love the companionship. Since he wants to be picky, he deserves to be alone.

So let’s see here…….fat, miserable, old guy, with no money who obviously made a lot of bad choices in his life – looking for young, pretty woman to love him for who he is. Ummmmm Nope. Not gonna happen.

This LW should resign himself to spending the rest of his life alone since women his own age and of his own calibre do not appeal to him.

comment by Likely-Story, reply to elizabetta 

And we know, elizabetta, that if this dude were somehow lucky enough to get the girl of his dreams he would never do his part in the relationship in any area, we somehow know that. 

comment by PEG

I’d just love to tell this LW that his disdain of women his own age now is probably why the women he was briefly involved with then might have been wearing “Gold Digger Jeans”. and dumped him.

Really- one thing I keep reading in DA. Harry-yeti etc…. is how much crapola the average nice women will put up with to get/keep ‘a man’. (I am sure it works both ways but don’t bother me w facts in an IRS induced meanness binge.)

So IMHO it’s not LW age, weight or limited finances, he was a jerk then and now , He doesn’t even deserve a dog and should think about his past failings, read up on reincarnation and rey to be a better person in his next life. .

comment by 

So the LW refused to date because it involves rejection and now unilaterally decided that all women his age are undateable? I’m struggling to feel any sympathy here.

70 and still superficial. Some people never grow up. No wonder women dump you.

comment by 

Typical. Gotta love people who dismiss people who don’t meet their standards when they don’t even meet their own standards. Good luck with that buddy. You get no sympathy from me.

My mum in her 70’s tried some dating. Said all she found were men who wanted “a nurse and a purse”

I know the type. He’s unhealthy, broke and has a sense of entitlement. He thinks he should be attractive to supermodels.
There’s a reason he’s going to have a very lonely old age. The entitlement alone is a deal breaker.

comment by 

You are single and alone for a reason- you. Not attracted to women your age? Overweight and barely scraping by? What qualities do you possess that someone could love? When all flee from you, there is a reason- look in the mirror and change what you see- outside and Inside

Someone told doxiegirl that her comment was harsh but true, and she replied:

comment by doxie girl

I know, but I am sick of old men who act like this- my neighbor is like this man – he hits on women 40 years younger, we all run- and ignores all the nice attractive widows his age in the neighborhood, – its his sense of entitlement , which I also get from this LW- hence my being harsh-

by srjsac

Why don’t you try looking for friendship first and brush up on your social skills with women. Dating websites can give you a coffee date with no strings attached. Dont go into a date wanting a hot lady and instant romance, it is a huge turn off.

by 

“Single, overweight male in his 70s seeks younger nursemaid with money. Inquire within.” Yeah, not going to happen.

comment by MBW

If you were dumped by multiple women, either you have poor instincts for choosing women or you have an underlying problem that turns them off once they get to know you. I’m surprised Abby didn’t recommend a licensed mental health professional… talking to one might be helpful for you.

Not being attracted to women your own age is a red flag to me. You are setting yourself up for failure. Not even trying to date for 30 years is another big red flag.

As for Abby’s advice about adopting a puppy, be cautious. Pets are great at giving unconditional love, but they can also be very needy, expensive and a hassle if you want to travel because you have to board them or get somebody to house-sit with them.

It might be better to try volunteering at a local animal shelter where you can interact with pets without taking on the full responsibility of caring for them 24/7.

comment by Karen K

Frankly, even if you were younger and better off financially, your attitude would turn me off right away. No one wants a whiny, pathetic sad sack. That said, you CAN find someone if you set your standards low enough. My grandfather had a rather crude albeit true Yiddish saying that basically translates to “This rag for that azz.” Meaning that there’s someone for everyone.

PS– Please do NOT get a puppy. Abby apparently didn’t read the part of your letter where you say you’re broke. Dogs are wonderful, but they are EXPENSIVE to take care of and a great deal of work.

by Gabriel Stone

A practical solution would be for him to go live in a nursing home or assisted living facility, depending on what he can afford. Most of the staff and residents are women of varying ages, and men are at a premium.

But he has to bring something to the table- charm, wit, manners, a nice attitude, a willingness to listen, and it doesn’t seem that this guy has cultivated anything of value that women might find attractive.

by el

Can anyone tell me:
Why even the most unattractive men think that they have chance even with the most beautiful and much younger women?

by Che Catz

A lonely old man with no looks and no money shouldn’t be so picky. Get on a couple dating services and be grateful for whomever you can attract.

by Anon

Poor, unattractive, old man wants attractive young woman and is SHOCKED he hasn’t had a girlfriend in a while.

by Jaye44

No wonder they dumped him. Classic ‘I am an unattractive old guy but expect a hot young chick to want to pair up with me.’

Uh huh. Add that to the ‘poor baby me — so frightened of rejection’ as if every human who dates doesn’t live with rejection. A candidate for a robot for sure.

comment by Kayla

This is interesting to read because Hopeless reminds me of one of my coworkers.

He is attracted to younger women and has asked them out on multiple occasions. He asked me and I flat out told him no. Then he got mad at me.

He has had several sexual harassment complaints against him.

He has never been married, has no kids, been single for a long time.

The guy is a creep. Maybe look in a mirror and make sure this doesn’t sound like you.

by RebeccaM

The scariest part of your letter is that you were a teacher and a SOCIAL WORKER !!! Don’t you know how to help yourself? Your attitude of self-entitlement is revolting.

And your comment, I felt I was only a temporary convenience to them, makes me think karma is biting you in the butt these days. I don’t think you want a girlfriend, but I do believe you want some… you know… the P word.

Self-entitled, narcissistic, and clueless, what a winning trifecta.

by Outer Limits

Geting dumped is part of life. Sure it hurts, but it’s happened to practically everyone. Before you even think about trying to find another relationship, get yourself in counseling. The situation isn’t going to change until you do.

by amrs

rewrite: middle-aged, pudgey, bald guy with limited income seeks hot, young, thing to boost my ego and possibly pay for stuff.

…My husband has a friend in this same age range who insists on dating only younger women, then whines about immature they are (!) & wonders why it never works out. Guys like this make me glad I’m no longer out there.

by SB

Something is off here. He stopped dating while he was 40? Sounds like he just wants someone who meet his emotional needs without giving much back. If he was always dumped, it was on him to figure that out. He could also start working out and working on his own attitude instead of poor me. Definitely not attractive.

by Holly

Four guesses why he was always dumped:
(1) He was dating women 10 to 15 years younger than him, and they didn’t see themselves in a long term relationship with somebody who was at a different life stage than they were.
(2) He treated women he dated as if they were beneath him (especially if they were not young supermodels).
(3) He wanted to sleep with them, but not to marry them, and eventually, they moved on if they wanted marriage.
(4) All of the above.

by isism

I think the LW himself is his own worst problem and he either cannot or will not see that. With his attitude and unrealistic expectations, well, good luck in finding someone to date. The common denominator in all his failed relationships is–him. He doesn’t even mention ever having been married or in a long-term relationship. It sounds like he has always been the way he is and at this point I doubt that he will ever change.

by Knowgirl

That’s right. Blame the women who dumped you, rather than looking at yourself and being introspective about WHY they dumped you. It was NOT because you were a “temporary convenience”. It was probably because they realized, after a time, what a total male-centric bore you were.

You really have the audacity to say that you’re not attracted to women your age?

Have you never heard the adage that beggars can’t be choosers? Even according to your own self-assessment, you don’t have much to offer a woman.

Why on earth would any female even take a 2nd glance at you? You really ARE pathetic. If you’re SO desperate, maybe YOU need to figure out how to make yourself more attractive.

Age has nothing to do with it. My husband is 70, but you’d never know it. He’s vital, interesting, good looking, fun, friendly, and adorable.

He goes to the gym every day. He reads voraciously. He likes to entertain. He’s happy. So, maybe you just need to “do” more than just sit around being a slug.

by Figgs

Gosh, a poor, overweight guy who hasn’t dated in 30 years because something is wrong with all the women out there.
What’s not to love?

by Faye Whiddon

He disclosed why all the women he loved dumped him…he’s an old fart who wants to get more than he gives out of a relationship. Getting a puppy is good advice…for him, not necessarily for the puppy.

by lapodo

Have some widowed friends living in over 55 community in FL. Many of these ladies are well aware of the widowers or divorced guys who are looking for a nurse with a purse. When the smart ones tell a potential suitor they plan on keep their living arrangements and $ separate, it’s like the parting of the Red Sea!

Unfortunately, at 57, I can related to that. I work for a surgeon. The average age of our patients is around 75. I get hit on at work by little old men who want a “young” nursey at home to take care of them.


Reader responses on the Yahoo page about this letter (thank goodness most of them are sane):

comment by Doney

70 year old, broke, introverted, fat guy. Yeah, I’m not sure what’s keep those 20 year old hotties from throwing themselves at you. It’s a mystery.
by Lorraine
All the women he ever loved dumped him? Maybe they were only a temporary convenience to him. Guy sounds like a self-absorbed loser. At 70 he’s looking for an attractive nurse with her own money to take care of him. Fat chance buddy.

by music

SPITBALL OF WISDOM: 70 year old women don’t dig fat, broke old guys, either. Hell, I bet the dog runs away…
CaliB
LW1 didn’t learn when he was dating 30 years ago that “attraction” and companionship aren’t all based on how someone looks (why else would he only be interested in women younger than he is now?) By the time I was in my 20s, I’d realized that the way someone laughed, the way they cracked me up – basically, their personality – was what was truly attractive. No wonder they always dropped him when he used to date; “ugly man” 30 years ago, ugly man now.

by C

I’m in my 50’s and have met and know men who still think they’re in their 30’s and are only interested in women 20+ yrs younger. They’ll end up like LW1 unless they have a bank account in acess of 7 figures.
Helen
He’s not looking for love and companionship, he wants sex and a free cook.
Bill
My mother became a widow at the age of 39 and she never remarried. I once told her I felt sorry for her that she was alone. She said, ‘Son, I’m alone but I’m not lonely’. He attends church and volunteered for a variety of organizations. She worked up into her 70’s. She is now 94, still teaches Sunday School, drives the “old ‘people” to their doctor’s appointments, exercises weekly, takes a painting class and has two weekly bible studies in her apartment for the people in her high rise apartment. She is one happy, fulfilled woman.

comment by Lorna

LW#1: Some people are just out of your league. Look in the mirror, and if your partner is way better looking than you, and you aren’t the one with money, then you’re going to get dumped.
Thirty years ago, you got dumped by women who were out of your league. Now you still don’t know what league you’re in. Here’s a hint: it’s not the “younger, good looking woman” league. Most of us have to “settle” for someone who’s at our level, and that’s not settling at all. It’s called reality.

by Dave

Hey Hopeless, at your age in your condition, you don’t get to choose who you’re attracted to. If you’re that desperate for companionship, bite the bullet and date a lady that’s not so attractive. You may just get lucky and find a lady that’s willing to put up with your whiny rear end. 

Related Posts:

(Link):  Creepy, wrong, immature and pathetic: older men chasing after much younger women

(Link):  ‘I Want My 2.3 Bonus Years’ – A.K.A., ‘Where do 50-year-old men get the strange impression that they could date a 23-year-old?’ by Mona Chalabi

(Link): Middle Aged, Single Christian Guy’s Long, Picky Girlfriend Wanted Ad on Craig’s List

(Link): Love Couldn’t Save Me From Loneliness By M. Puniewska

(Link): Japan’s Prisons Are a Haven for Elderly Women (Who Are Very Lonely)

(Link): A 69 Year Old Man Wants to Self Identify as a 40-Something to Increase His Chances on Dating Sites

(Link): And They Like to Caution Single Women About Being “Too Picky” Check this nauseatingly too picky list by a single 39 year old who will die single

 

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