Ex-Evangelicals Admit Their Religion Killed Their Love Lives: I’m ‘Literally Thinking About Hell’ During Sex
Excerpts from Raw Story site:
In a confessional piece on The Feed, ex-evangelicals lamented the oppressive influence their faith had on their sex lives and personal relationships with their partners, saying they were haunted by feelings of guilt and shame.
As pointed out by Hemant Mehta at the Friendly Atheist, former fundamentalist Christian Ruby Bisson (Claire) who writes about Christianity at The Gravity of Guilt, has been compiling stories told her by her readers who detailed not only how their deeply-held religious beliefs crippled their sex lives, but the lingering effects after they lost their religion.
According to one anonymous woman, “I can’t orgasm because I can’t relax. I’m literally thinking about hell. It’s been three years since I left Christianity but I can’t shake the thought that a guy who isn’t a Christian just wants me for my bod and I project that insecurity onto him. This is ultimately what ended my only two relationships.”
She then admitted how she tried to make it work.
“I made him pretend he was religious and didn’t want to have sex,” she explained. “I had to convince him it was a good idea. I made him pray at the end of the bed. Through that role play I was able to be the other person and that power allowed me not to freak out.”
Another former Christain said that she spiraled into a world of pornography at the age of 12, that left her secretly living in “shame and self-hatred.”
“If porn was ever discussed it was only for the boys and men. There was complete and utter silence when it came to women using porn, or getting addicted to it,” she wrote on Facebook.
“So, when I stumbled across porn when I was 12, and continued using it compulsively until I was 22, I felt I had nowhere safe to turn. I truly believecd I was the only woman struggling with it, I was a freak. I wondered if I had too much testosterone, if something was biologically wrong with me for liking porn. I lived in shame and secrecy.
“Which only made my addiction worse, and bred an intense self-hatred… If someone had just stood up from the front and said that women also use porn, and can get addicted to it, and there’s help for them…my life would have looked different.”
According to Bisson, “Jake,” the gay son of an Anglican Minister said he still struggles with sexual intimacy.
… Bisson writes, “Most of the people I spoke to didn’t have an issue with the belief that sex should be saved for marriage. The primary concern was with the way this was communicated by their church, predominantly during childhood,” before confessing about her own experiences, including the trauma of being raped.
Continuing from The Feed’s site (link):
…Dr. Josie McSkimming, Clinical Social Worker and author of Leaving Christian Fundamentalism and the Reconstruction of Identity told me that the enforcement of no sex before marriage can “lead to people marrying in haste, often experiencing enormous confusion and self-hate about their sexual feelings. When this is combined with God-given assumptions of male leadership and female submission, the possibility of abuse and violence increases.”
Over Facebook Messenger Tim*, a former Sydney Anglican who received a year of formal Biblical training with his Christian wife tells me that while he didn’t feel “especially unprepared” entering marriage, his wife was.
It was hard for her to transition from viewing sexual desire and action as deviant, to viewing it as healthy…
She hadn’t explored to find what gave her pleasure, so she couldn’t give me much guidance, and she felt guilty about exploring herself…
It has mostly only caused tension for me, as I’ve never really been able to get what I wanted – because my desire in sex is to be with someone who’s also seeking their own physical pleasure, and who knows what they want, so I’ve always kind of felt unsatisfied.
Since stepping away from faith, this has led me to bring up the idea of a more open marriage arrangement (just sexually, not romantically).
But that’s very much incompatible with my wife’s religious views (and just her personal desires as well) so it’s pretty unlikely to happen any time soon.
(Link): Pastor charged in wife’s murder was headed to Europe to marry boyfriend, prosecutor says – Single Xtian Ladies: Kick that Be Equally Yoked Teaching to the Curb! Also: Marriage and Parenthood do not make people more godly or mature or loving or ethical
(Link): Secular Liberal Feminist Marcotte on Anyone Choosing To Be a Virgin Until Marriage: “It’s a Silly Idea” – What Progressive Christians, Conservative Christians, Non Christians, and Salon’s Amanda Marcotte Gets Wrong About Christian Views on Virginity
(Link): The Unfortunate Anti-Virginity Fall-Out from Christian Misogynist Lori Alexander’s Wacky “Debt Free Virgins Without Tattoos” Post – The Problem is Not Supporting Virginity, It’s Complementarianism