“I Hate, Hate, Hate Anal Sex, but My Husband Says It’s “Unfair” Not to Do It Do I have to keep trying?” – by Stoya

“I Hate, Hate, Hate Anal Sex, but My Husband Says It’s “Unfair” Not to Do It Do I have to keep trying?” – by Stoya

The male entitlement is strong with her douche bag of a husband.

You don’t owe him anything, lady.

(Link): “I Hate, Hate, Hate Anal Sex, but My Husband Says It’s “Unfair” Not to Do It Do I have to keep trying?” – by Stoya

Dear How to Do It [advice column],

My husband wanted to try anal. I didn’t want to. I let myself be talked into trying. I hated it. We tried again. I hated it. We tried with toys of slowly increasing sizes. I hated it.

We tried five different lubes, so much of it that the towels protecting the bed had to be thrown out. We tried different starting positions, going very slowly, the whole nine yards.

He tried receiving it to prove that he’s willing to experience the same thing.

He didn’t hate it or find it painful at all.

I hate every minute of it. We try it now every few months at most.

Even thinking about it makes my skin crawl, and I inevitably cry during and after. My husband will say during the process that we can stop anytime, but I always figure that if I’ve already gotten myself this far, I might as well see it through so I at least get credit for having done it.

My husband thinks that the pain I experience is purely due to tension from my own psychological issue with this activity, since he’s experienced it and not found it painful. He is right that I find it icky, and I suppose that’s an arbitrary hang-up of mine. But I still experience real physical discomfort, wherever it’s coming from.

I want to never ever do this again or even hear him ask about it, suggest it, or joke about it.

He keeps saying he doesn’t want it to hurt, but thinks it’s fair for him to keep wanting it and keep asking for it without this outsize emotional response on my part.

Our relationship otherwise is warm, loving, and full of healthy communication, but this topic makes me shut down, and thinking of my husband as the man who sometimes pesters me to go through this kind of pain on his behalf has done a lot of damage to my enjoyment of sex and intimacy in general.

He says he needs some variety.

An open arrangement is not on the table.

Is one of us being unfair? Are both of us? I would rather be able to do this for him than not be able to, but I just can’t bring myself to go through it again, and I honestly think we’ve tried everything.

No More

Dear No More,

You’re being unfair to your body by pushing through a painful and emotionally difficult experience to—as you phrased it—“get credit” for having done it. It seems like you might be minimizing your feelings, if anything. Your husband is being unfair to you when he invalidates your emotional and physical response, and when he expects your butt to respond the same way his does.

Rectums are delicate, and you should be very cautious with anal pain. While it is certainly possible that there’s a psychological component to your discomfort, neither of you can know for sure, and physical damage can be serious.

Inevitable crying, crawling skin, and shutting down are all clear signs of distress.

Your husband must notice these things. It sounds like you need a major break from the entire concept of anal, possibly for good, and your husband won’t hear that.

Try telling him what you told me in a letter—it might make it easier for you to control your emotions, and he needs to understand how profoundly difficult (and potentially dangerous) this is for you.

If you’ve been as direct with your husband as you were in your message, and he still insists on putting you through a painful, tear-filled ordeal, then I think you need to find a couple’s counselor sooner than later.

If you do get through to your husband this time, and he acknowledges what you’ve gone through, then perhaps you could explore other kinds of sex and start repairing your intimacy. I’m hoping your husband’s definition of variety is broader than a single orifice.

Are there other kinds of sex he’s interested in that might be more palatable to you? Maybe there’s something you’ve been wanting to try out? Talk to each other—and please listen to yourself (and your body) as you explore.

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