Never Married Person Ticked Off Because Churches Don’t Support Never Marrieds Who Do Not Want To Be Married
I once posted to a thread about adult singleness at another blog in 2014.
A person or two left comments there that I am just now, in 2019, seeing (as of last night).
I support single adults who’ve always been single who do NOT want to be married.
I’m a never married adult who wanted to be married, but it did not happen for me.
A person calling him or herself “Ehartsay” left a comment in that thread in 2014, (Link): here. I will just assume this is a woman poster.
Here is a portion of her comment:
It has started to leave be with a feeling like even in this camp it is really only accepted to stay longterm single because of high standards, but still holding out hope for marriage, and not because you simply don’t want to be or care care about getting married
Even the ‘Christian Pundit’ seems to take care to establish that she wanted and still wants to get married, and would have been but for circumstances.
How about some live [love] for the marriage averse among us?
Here is the reply I left to her:
Why are you criticizing me for wanting to be married? That’s what it sounds like you’re doing. I wish I had seen that post of yours back in 2014 – it’s five years later now.
On my blog, I have said in different blogs posts over the last few years I don’t have a problem with singles who enjoy being single and have no desire for marriage, and I’ve said on my blog that churches should treat such singles with respect and not try to cram marriage down their throats.
But I find your nit picking over my comment to be insulting.
What is it to you if I honestly would still like to marry?
I get enough of that terrible attitude from Christians who shame singles over age 35 who’d still like to marry. I am shamed and told I am “making an idol out of marriage” (no, I am not), or they give me fluffy, stupid platitudes like, “think of Jesus as your boyfriend.”
But at my age (over 45, age 50 is still a bit away), I’ve kind of accepted I may never marry.
I’ve gotten more accustomed in the last few years with my never-married status
(no, this DOES NOT MEAN that God “gifted me with singleness,” that teaching is a load of garbage.
There’s no such thing as “gift of singleness” or “gift of celibacy.”
Some want marriage but are denied it for whatever the reason – don’t tell me that my un-wanted, un-asked for, un-expected past age 40s never married status is a “gift.” No, I don’t want to “use my singleness to glorify God,” either.)
I have no idea if I will ever marry or not.
But so long as I’m single, I want Christians and churches to treat me (and other singles) with respect.
Whether we singles want marriage or don’t want it, I make it clear on my Christian Pundit blog that Christians should stop shaming us for being single. They should stop making marriage into a golden standard and a gold calf they worship.
How about some love for the never married who are thrilled with being never married [you asked]? I don’t speak for your type of single. I speak mainly for myself on this blog and on my own blog.
If you feel unrepresented about it, then you can make your own blog and talk about your particular type of singleness.
As for me, yes, I’d like to still marry, provided it’s the right kind of guy.
And I am sick and tired of churches, preachers, and Christians telling me to “be happy where you’re planted” or “the Lord is your husband” and minimizing my situation.
I am sick and tired of being scolded and shamed for wanting something a lot of people want and many people have but take for granted (marriage).
If you are happy being single and have zero desire to get married, that is great for you.
But I am speaking for me and for singles such as myself, who are single by Circumstance, not from choice, and it’s not God’s design or “gifting” (barf).
Honestly, I find things to be the reverse in Christian culture (than from how Ehartsay was depicting things): if you say you are a never married adult and you never wanted marriage, you won’t get more static for it – you’ll get the usual garbage from the marriage-obsessed Christians that singles like me do (singles who do want to be married).
However, if you are over age 35 and have never married, and you admit to other Christians you desire marriage, they will shame you for it!
Most Christians will shame you for wanting to be married.
No single adult is supposed to “want” to be married – we’re supposed to be just like Ehartsay and we’re not supposed to want marriage. Because if we want marriage, they tell us we are idolizing marriage.
I’ve done posts about this on this blog in the past, so it’s not something I want to re-tread here.
But if you are a marriage-desiring single adult and tell other Christians you’d like to marry, they respond by shaming you, being critical, blaming you for your single status.
They will accuse you of “idolizing marriage.”
They will feed you stupid, pointless, empty platitudes about “the LORD will be your husband,” and “grow where you are planted” and “be content in your singleness.”
If you are happy being single, and you are over age 35, you’re obviously not going to go around telling other Christians how you are sad, or frustrated, or puzzled to still find yourself single because you wanted marriage – ergo, you will not be subjected to the casually cruel comments that many Christians make to those of us who do in fact desire marriage and also admit to wanting to be married.
I have personally never encountered an aura or attitude from Christians that it’s only acceptable to be single over the age of 30, so long as you tell those Christians that you had once desired marriage.
Regardless if you desired marriage or not, most Christians worship marriage.
Most Christians treat all single adults like second class citizens – they don’t care if you wanted to be married or not.
Actually, marriage-desiring singles get shamed more often – when Christians do notice that many Christians are single, that marriage is on the decline, they start shaming us from their blogs, podcasts, and sermons.
They usually assume that all single women who are single past age 30 are single by CHOICE – which is an incorrect assumption.
Many conservative Christians who get angry about declining marriage rates, especially among Christians, assume that all women who are single page 30 are single because they are man-hating, career-obsessed harpies. Which is false. Some of us had wanted to be married but never found “Mr. Right.”
Some of us are single BY CIRCUMSTANCE, but we never get figured into these cultural fights and debates over declining marriage rates.
If anything, I would assume that if you are someone who never wanted marriage, and especially if you add that you felt “called by God” to be forever single, most Christians would respect that.
But with women like me they are victim-blaming, incredulous, and suspcious. They assume it’s my fault I’m still single.
They cannot figure out why an intelligent, attractive, once- devout Christian, is still single in her 40s, though she claims she wanted to be married. They chalk it up to obnoxious assumptions, like you must be too picky, you didn’t try hard enough, you must have put career first.
I just do not see Christian culture make specific accusations like that against never-married Christian adults who never wanted marriage.
Christians assume that you guys with your specific type of singleness – you N.M.N.W.M.s (never-married Christian adults who never wanted marriage) – must be super spiritual, that you chose your path out of devotion for God, and for doing his work while on earth.
And what Christian is going to shame you for that? None. (Maybe there are exceptions, but I’ve yet to come across one.)
And honestly, Christians (and many secular adults) do NOT respect older single women who desire marriage for being single due to having ‘higher standards.’
If anything, if it is assumed if we older ladies are still single due to having higher standards, we get scolded and chided and told our standards are “too high” and we should just settle and settle for “Mr. Good Enough” and to forget about “Mr. Right.” We get lectured about being “too picky.”
So I’ve no idea where Ms. Ehartsay is coming from.
If you’re still single and tell another Christian you’d like to marry, they will shame you for that – they may toss out advice you didn’t ask for and don’t need. Like, they will tell you to try dating sites.
For more reading on these topics: