Married People Who Use Their Spouse’s Disease or Disability to Excuse Their Adultery – an article by M. Del Russo
I have never had sex outside of marriage, one reason of several is that the Bible says that sex is intended for a man married to a woman – anything outside of marriage is fornication and is considered sin. I am now past the age of 45.
If I can maintain celibacy this long, so too can anyone else, including these people who are in marriages where their spouse is debilitated in some manner, through a physical or mental health issue.
It’s a matter of personal conviction and self control. I do not have some sort of special gifting from God that removes libido. I am not asexual.
So, do I excuse or look on with compassion at these women or men in this article who started affairs with other adults when their own spouses became ill? No, I do not. Going without sex or romance will not kill a person, and you made a vow to your partner.
As for the woman quoted below who says those in her position don’t want to burden their sick spouse with demands for sex – that is all polite and well and good, but has she never heard of masturbation? Why are so many married people under the assumption that the only form of sexual activity is “penis in the vagina”?
…But the trio’s situation scratches at a question: How do couples sustain relationships and navigate intimacy when disease or disability strikes?
Christina — who asked to be identified by her first name because of privacy concerns — says her marriage was very happy and she loves her spouse deeply, but now that his disease has progressed, she no longer recognizes the person he’s become.
She and her husband didn’t discuss what would happen to their marriage once the Alzheimer’s truly took hold. And according to Alison Graft, a therapist with The Gottman Institute, this isn’t unusual.
“A lot of times, the reason people don’t want to talk about [intimacy once a partner is ill] is because they don’t want to burden the other partner,” she explains.
The healthy partner doesn’t want to guilt their ill significant other about the lack of intimacy, Graft says. This is especially true because, when placed next to the stress of living with illness, feeling randy might seem like a not-so-important problem.
Another reason couples may not discuss next steps is because there was friction in the marriage before they were confronted with serious illness.
Four years ago, Anderson’s husband got so sick he was in the hospital for a month. Now, he deals with chronic pain — and this has affected the couple’s sex life. According to Anderson, the marriage has been sexless since 2015.
“Even before he got sick, I felt like I was constantly initiating intimacy, but he wasn’t receptive,” she says. “When he got sick, I became the enemy.”
Anderson, who lives in the Northeast, joined Ashley Madison four years ago, shortly after her husband became ill. “I just got tired of being lonely and feeling empty,” she says. “I was feeling a little bit lost.”
Initially, Anderson wasn’t necessarily looking for physical intimacy.
…She’s had four relationships since 2015, and she’s hoping her current relationship will turn out to be a long-term affair. Anderson still lives with her husband and serves as his caretaker. She hasn’t told him or anyone else about her extramarital relationships…
….Both women say that it’s this desire — the impulse to reject their role as caregiver — that they feel is most stigmatized. Neither Christina nor Anderson plan to leave their husbands. Christina’s husband has no other family, she says; if she were to leave, there would be no loved one to care for him.
…Critics may point to marriage vows, claiming that spouses make a pledge to love and care for one another in sickness and health.
“Some might say that the cheating partner is violating those vows,” says Tammy Nelson, a therapist and author of “When You’re The One Who Cheats.” “But considering how much longer we’re living, and how complicated life can become in those intervening years, I think that there needs to be an amendment to marriage vows. Life is complicated, and so is partnership.”
Hey, I sometimes would like to have sex as well, and I sometimes get lonely and feel empty, but I still keep my skirt pulled down and my legs together.
I don’t run around seeking out tawdry one night stands or join “hook up” sites.
I was one of the main caretakers for my mother the year and a half before she died. Yes, it was stressful and physically draining. I still did not run out and have affairs with men.
Married people like the ones in this article have very weak constitutions, are selfish, and are undisciplined.
If I were the spouse with Alzheimer’s, or some other condition, no, I would not approve of or want any husband of mine (if I were married) to have affairs with other women.
I had wanted to be married, but it didn’t happen for me. I’ve arrived at over 45 years of age and am still single, still sexually abstaining – and if I can live this long without companionship, romance, and sex, so can anyone. No sympathy from me for these people in marriages where their spouse is unable to provide them with sex or companionship.
Let this be further testimony that contrary to what a lot of Baptists and evangelicals teach, married persons are not more sexually upright, responsible, or mature than single adults.
(Link): Selfishness: Thy Name Is Married People / Married People Think Their Spouse Having Alzheimer’s Gives Them A Pass to Spouse Shop or to Divorce or Have Affairs / Christians Over-Sell Marriage but Under-Sell Adult Singleness
(Link): Why Christians Need to Uphold Lifelong Celibacy as an Option for All Instead of Merely Pressuring All to Marry – vis a vis Sexless Marriages, Counselors Who Tell Marrieds that Having Affairs Can Help their Marriages
(Link): Perverted Christian Married Couple Wants to “Wife Swap” (For Sex) With Other Christian Couple – Why Christians Need to Uphold Chastity / Celibacy For All People Even Married Couples Not Just Teens