Women Being Slut Shamed, Virgin Shamed, or Celibate Shamed at The Doctor’s Office
So, I saw a headline go through my Twitter feed a few weeks ago about a woman who says while on a trip to the doctor’s office to get a check up, she was “slut shamed” by a nurse practitioner at that appointment. (The link to that is towards the bottom of this post.)
I don’t doubt her experience, but I chipped in under that Tweet or another related to mention that as a chaste woman – I’m over 45 and still a virgin myself – I had the same exact thing happen to me, but in the reverse, when I was in my mid or late 20s and had to see a doctor to get blood tests done (over a non-sexual related medical issue).
The doctor I saw at my appointment sort of “Virgin-Shamed” me at that time.
We’re all the time hearing about “Slut Shaming” in our culture, but there is far more Celibacy- and Virgin- Shaming taking place than Slut Shaming.
However, I don’t very often see feminists discussing Virgin-Shaming nearly as much.
As a matter of fact, some feminists who are always complaining about “slut shaming” participate in Celibate-Shaming, or Virgin-Shaming (and sadly, other conservatives also participate in virgin shaming or celibate shaming as well, though many conservatives CLAIM to respect sexual abstinence – but they really do not).
The lady doctor I saw when I was in my mid to late 20s said in addition to running the tests I was in to see her for that day (and I don’t recall now what they were, only that the tests were not related to anything of a sexual nature), she also wanted to run sexually transmitted disease tests on my blood samples to make sure I did not have any sexually transmitted diseases.
I laughed and told her that would be a waste of her time and the lab’s time, as I was still a virgin.
The doctor, though, kept pressing me on the matter, wanting to check off the boxes on her chart to send to the lab indicating my blood work should be tested for this, that, and the other STD.
This doctor was making me uncomfortable, and I was offended by her attitude that I was lying. She obviously felt that all people above the age of 23 or 24 are sexually active, and I must be lying if I said I was still a virgin.
The doctor was incredulous that I was still a virgin at the age of 26 or 27 – she would likely be ten times more shocked to discover I remain a virgin past the age of 45, but yes, it happens.
Some people choose to abstain for reasons that are their own, or they find themselves still abstaining for other considerations.
I just remember this doctor pressing me hard on the issue, and I began getting very angry with her.
I finally got pretty firm with her and told her to back off. So she finally dropped her inquest.
If a patient comes into an office for treatment, consultation, or whatever the case may be, it is NOT the right or the place of the nurse, doctor, or any other professionals, to “hound” or shame a patient over their sexual activity status.
And please don’t feed me the bullshit that the doctor was probably just concerned for my health, or med students are taught in med school that all patients lie, so treat them as such. No, that still does not make the doctor’s behavior acceptable.
In my particular case, this woman doctor was pretty freaking tenacious about this. I had to tell her flatly, getting less polite each time, that I was a VIRGIN, ergo, there was no need to test my blood for sexually transmitted diseases.
I told her she could go ahead and check off whatever she wanted to on her lab paper of list of diseases to get my blood tested for, but I was not sexually active, and I had no intention of paying for tests I didn’t need.
When I shared my personal experience below the tweet about being humiliated and hounded by that doctor, I then heard from a few other women on Twitter who told me they were also virgins in their 20s or older, and they too were hounded, harassed, or shamed by medical personnel who refused to believe that they were virgins.
So I am not the only celibate person this sort of thing has happened to.
To the medical professionals out there:
Stop shaming or badgering your patients of whatever biological sex or age for their sexual activity, whether they are sexually active or sexually abstinent.
It’s not your place to judge people regarding their sexual behavior, or act as though they are LYING when they have strongly insisted to you several times in a row what their sexual history is, when they come into see you for your professional services.
(Link): Woman shares her experience of being ‘slut-shamed’ by a nurse during STD check-up
Excerpts:
A 21-year-old woman has taken to Reddit to recount her horrific experience at the doctor’s after she was “slut-shamed” by a nurse practitioner following a sexually-transmitted disease (STD) check-up.
The writer had recently had her first one night stand with a partner she had “developed deep connections with” – and used protection – but afterwards noticed some disturbing symptoms and headed for the clinic.
The diagnosis was that she had contracted a yeast infection and an STD test was scheduled.
But as she was getting up to leave, the nurse practitioner asked her to sit back down and delivered the following admonition:
“With all of that being said, you’re 21 years old, you really need to guard and protect your character.”
Astonished and angered, the patient gave her a “what the f***” look and the practitioner continued:
“Well you know, guys get to have sex all they want and nothing bad comes out of it for them but you know us as women we can’t be doing that as much because we have to protect our character.”
You’re going to want to have kids one day, and the way you’re living your life now could really hurt you and your chances of having a kid with a good man.
Writing about her experience on Reddit’s Am I The A**hole? forum, the woman announced her intention to report the nurse practitioner for her patronising and sexist stance, explaining that she had been “in too much shock” at the time to answer back.
— **** —-
I am sorry for that woman patient’s experience, but to repeat here, women who are virgins or celibates are also harassed and shamed in medical visits for their virgin or celibate status.
To you medical professionals out there: it’s not your place to judge or dispense that type of advice. People come to you for physical health care, not to be judged or ridiculed for being a virgin or for being sexually active.
Now, when it comes to churches, I do think the Bible says that fornication is a sin, and so pastors need to develop some balls and start speaking out against fornication, but they won’t, because we are living in an “anything goes” time in our culture (where even most conservative Christians assume that everyone over the age of 21 is already having sex, so they choose to accept this as a cultural norm and not preach against it), and pastors are afraid of offending people.
But a nurse or doctor in a doctor’s office? That is not the place or time for that.
Edit. I just saw this tweet by someone I do not know who was describing an experience similar to mine, one that a friend of hers had:
Related Posts:
(Link): I’m a Virgin, So Why Am I Being Slut-Shamed? by Ashley Iaconetti
(Link): We’re Casual About Sex and Serious About Consent. But Is It Working? by J. Zimmerman
(Link): Living Myths About Virginity (via The Atlantic)
(Link): Why Some People Become 30 Year Old Virgins (Article / Study)
(Link): On ‘Late’-In-Life Virginity Loss (from The Atlantic)
(Link): Ending Priestly Celibacy Would Not Stop Abuse by E. Condon – Celibates Are Not Pedophiles
(Link): The Many Reasons That People Are Having Less Sex (2017 article via BBC News)
(Link): Woman Says She Refuses to Hook-up with Men ‘For Fun’ – Says Most Men She’s Met Are Willing to Wait
(Link): Why are young feminists so clueless about sex? by M. Wente
(Link): No, Christians and Churches Do Not Idolize Virginity or Sexual Purity
(Link): Craigslist confessional: I’m in my 40s, never married, and a virgin—but I’m happy by Abigail
(Link): CDC Report: Virgin Teens Much Healthier Than Their Sexually Active Peers (2016 Report)
(Link): ABC Won’t Let Us Forget That the New Bachelor Is A Virgin. Is That A Problem?
(Link): You Tube Host Explains Why She’s Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex
(Link): Some Researchers Argue that Shame Should Be Used to Treat Sexual Compulsions
(Link): Virginity is a Sacred Choice, Not a Shameful Status by C. Martin
(Link): Jesus Christ Removed the Stigma, Shame From Being Single and Childless – by David Instone Brewer
(Link): ‘Bachelorette’ Star Shamed For His Virginity Defends Himself
(Link): Are You Ashamed of Biblical [Sexual] Purity? by J. Slattery
(Link): The Christian and Non Christian Phenomenon of Virgin Shaming and Celibate Shaming
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