Don’t Let ‘Incel’ Misogynists Like the Toronto Killer Tell You They’re Special – I Was A Virgin Until I Was 27 By Noah Berlatsky

Don’t Let ‘Incel’ Misogynists Like the Toronto Killer Tell You They’re Special – I Was A Virgin Until I Was 27 By Noah Berlatsky

American society stopped “slut shaming” people for having sex outside of marriage many years ago, contrary to what the anti-sexual purity “Ex-vangelicals,” liberal Christians, Christian feminists, and other groups argue on blogs and twitter.

The trend has been the opposite in years past: adults who are celibate and single are often ridiculed or thought of as weird losers if they’re not in a romantic relationship and not having sex.

Our culture went from “Slut Shaming” years ago to “Celibate and Virgin Shaming.” (I have examples all over this blog, look for them).

Here’s an essay by a guy who didn’t lose his virginity until his late twenties. It’s another anecdotal piece of the pie demonstrating how our sex saturated culture shames people who are not having sex.

(Link): Don’t Let ‘Incel’ Misogynists Like the Toronto Killer Tell You They’re Special – I Was A Virgin Until I Was 27 

Excerpts

by Noah Berlatsky
April 2018

The man who murdered ten people in Toronto with a van, like the 2014 Isla Vista killer, considered himself an “incel,” or involuntary celibate.

Incels are men who blame the world, and especially women, for the fact that they are virgins, or aren’t having sex as often as they want.

They see women as manipulators who choose powerful but shallow men, and unfairly ignore and even torment good guys like themselves.

Resentment becomes an excuse for misogyny, and sometimes, for violence.

In the aftermath of the Toronto massacre, some people were quick to use the killer’s celibacy as an insult.

As just one example, a New Statesman piece referred to the killer as “pathetic” and noted that there was an “inclination to dismiss these men as sad losers dwelling in their parents’ basements.”

This fits a common pattern with men like this.

Violent incels are portrayed as radicalized sad sacks, or as failures who have weaponized their own inadequacy.

But there are two problems with portraying incels as outcasts or failures.

First, it mirrors their own rhetoric, and their own view of themselves. Secondly, it makes incels appear unusual or special.

The truth is more unsettling. Incels are, in many respects, fulfilling gender norms. They haven’t failed to be men.

And when they embrace misogyny and violence, they become exactly what we expect men to be.

Incels see themselves as being unusually unhappy or hard done by. But perceiving oneself as a sexual failure is common for people of every gender.

I certainly did. I was a virgin until I was 27. I wasn’t saving myself for marriage; I was just bad at dating, somewhat unlucky and shy.

My (now) wife, was, thankfully, very determined and refused to let a little shyness stop her.

Looking back now, it’s easy to be flip. But 20 years ago, my virginity was a source of substantial anxiety, unhappiness and self-loathing.

Young men are supposed to have a lot of sex.

And if you’re not having a lot of sex, you’re supposedly contemptible.

I had good friends, and was not especially miserable on other fronts. But I was not having a lot of sex, and, as a result, I felt ugly and broken a good portion of the time.

The cultural pressures are everywhere, for both men and women. Sex is presented, in movies, films and advertising, as so central to the human experience that it goes without saying that anyone who isn’t sexually active must be miserable.

But I don’t think my misery was because of some sort of biological imperative. Like most people, of every gender, I had figured out by my twenties that you can orgasm without the help of other people.

And, as I mentioned, I had plenty of close and meaningful friendships. My feelings of worthlessness were learned.

But again, that feeling of worthlessness wasn’t odd or strange.

For that matter, people of every gender can feel that they’re not performing their gender correctly.

Normative standards for gender expression are designed to make people feel like they are abnormal if they don’t conform.

I had friends who were dating when I wasn’t, and many of them (men and women) were also unhappy. Many of them felt like they were not doing it right (whatever “it” might be.)

Incels think they’re uniquely oppressed by gender expectations. But the truth is, gender expectations feel constricting and painful for everyone. Not least for people who aren’t straight cisgender men.

But while gender roles don’t hurt straight men more than anyone else, the discomfort of straight men is an especially powerful lever. A patriarchy needs a way to call men to their masculinity. A society in which men dominate needs to get men to do the work of domination.

Men are born into patriarchy, but if patriarchy is going to perpetuate itself, men need to assent to it and work to maintain it.

Patriarchy attracts men in part through material rewards, like higher pay or better jobs. But anxiety is also a powerful motivator.

Men learn that they aren’t real men unless they sleep with (the right) women.

They learn that real men are entitled to women. Women become a status symbol; a thing to assert a man’s own manliness.

And since men also are supposed to assert their masculinity through violence, the results are predictable.

…Incels have deliberately adopted an oppositional identity. It’s tempting to take them at their word, and link their sexual failure to their evil.

But there’s nothing wrong with living in your parents’ basement — whether you’re a man or a woman. And no matter what your gender identity is, there’s nothing wrong with not having sex in your 20s or 30s — or never having sex at all.

Read more of that (Link): here


Related:

(Link): Who Are “Incels”? Behind the Misogynistic Ideology That Inspired The Toronto Suspect

(Link): Actually We Don’t Owe You Sex, and We Never Will by M. Donegan

(Link): No Christians and Churches Do Not Idolize Virginity and Sexual Purity – Christians Attack and Criticize Virginity Sexual Purity Celibacy / Virginity Sexual Purity Not An Idol

(Link): Conservatives Have Now Abandoned All Pretense of Advocating For Sexual Abstinence and They Actually Lament the Lack of Fornication – The Bradford Wilcox Piece, 2019

(Link): Inside Secret World of Incels Who Turn To Murder Because They’ve Never Had Sex by J. Lavender

(Link): An Open Letter to Male Virgins by Anna Broadway

(Link): Percent of Americans Not Having Sex Reaches Record High: Report (2019)

(Link): Thoughts on the NRO Essay “Advice For Incels” by Kevin D. Williamson

(Link): WashPost Columnist: ‘Ghostbusters’ Haters Are ‘Virgin Losers’ – (via NewsBusters Site); Both the Right and Left Wing Get Some things Wrong About This

(Link): It’s Not Sex That Makes You Healther and Happier – It’s What You Do Before and After

(Link): Study (from 2016) Claims Pre-Marital Virginity is Now ‘Antiquated’ – Is Virginity No Longer Virtuous?

(Link): Annie Murphy’s Sex and Relationship Column Gives Some Fantastic Advice About “Losing Your Virginity” by Princess Weekes

(Link):  CDC Report: Virgin Teens Much Healthier Than Their Sexually Active Peers (2016 Report)

(Link): ‘It’s Not Me, It’s You’: A Loser’s Guide to Dealing with Rejection by The Guyliner

(Link): Weak Argument Against Celibacy / Virginity / Sexual Purity by the Anti Sexual Purity Gestapo – Sexual Compatibility or Incompatibility – (ie, Taking Human Beings For Test Spins – Humans As Sexual Commodities) (Part 2)

(Link):  Some Dude Lost His Virginity at Age 27 and Wants to Reassure Others It’s Okay to be a Virgin Later in Life. My Thoughts.

(Link): Bitter, Frustrated 22 Year Old Male Virgin and Member of Men’s Rights / PUA Groups Kills Several Women Because He Couldn’t Get Dates – what an entitled sexist doof

(Link):  Marcotte on Anyone Choosing To Be a Virgin Until Marriage: “It’s a Silly Idea” – What Progressive Christians, Conservative Christians, Non Christians, and Salon’s Amanda Marcotte Gets Wrong About Christian Views on Virginity

(Link):  Salon Author Amanda Marcotte Thinks Media Shouldn’t Judge Women’s Sexuality But She Has Mocked Women Over Their Sexual Choices Before (To Remain Virgins)

(Link):   Did Hell Freeze Over?: Liberal Rag Promotes Idea that Celibacy is Acceptable, and a Valid Life Choice / Re: 2016 Study Says Millennials Aren’t Having Much Sex

(Link): She’s Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex. Here’s Her Response to Those ‘Inevitable Jerks’ Who Think Her Decision Is ‘Stupid’. – by E. Kahn

(Link): On ‘Late’-In-Life Virginity Loss (from The Atlantic)

(Link): The Contemporary Church Undervalues Celibacy / Virginity

(Link):  CDC Report: Virgin Teens Much Healthier Than Their Sexually Active Peers (2016 Report)

(Link): ABC Won’t Let Us Forget That the New Bachelor Is A Virgin. Is That A Problem?

(Link): Living Myths About Virginity (via The Atlantic)

(Link): Why Some People Become 30 Year Old Virgins (Article / Study)

(Link): Annie Murphy’s Sex and Relationship Column Gives Some Fantastic Advice About “Losing Your Virginity” by Princess Weekes

(Link):  Craigslist confessional: I’m in my 40s, never married, and a virgin—but I’m happy by Abigail

(Link): The Myth of Safe Sex by D. Foley

(Link): The Christian and Non Christian Phenomenon of Virgin Shaming and Celibate Shaming

(Link):   Stop Pretending Sex Never Hurts, By D.C. McAllister

(Link):   Why are young feminists so clueless about sex? by M. Wente

(Link): We’re Casual About Sex and Serious About Consent. But Is It Working? by J. Zimmerman

(Link):  I Shouldn’t Need An Excuse To Be A Virgin – (Secular Editorial Defends Virginity – More Rare Than a Unicorn Sighting)

(Link): Virginity Lost, Experience Gained (article with information from study about virginity)

(Link):  Gonorrhea Super Strain Becoming ‘Untreatable’ (in the UK; may be heading to the USA) – 2015 story

(Link):  Planned Parenthood Tells Teenagers “It’s Great to be a Slut” (article contains medical info on how damaging promiscuity can be)

(Link): Christians Who Attack Virginity Celibacy and Sexual Purity – and specifically Russell D. Moore and James M. Kushiner

(Link): Celibate Shaming from an Anti- Slut Shaming Secular Feminist Site (Hypocrisy) Feminists Do Not Support All Choices

(Link): A Day In The Life Of An Abstinence Ed Teacher by S. Gomez

(Link): People Were Asked to Guess A Virgin From A Group Of Strangers. The Results Were Unexpected

(Link):  Virginity is a Sacred Choice, Not a Shameful Status by C. Martin / Giving Sex to a Man is Not A Guarantee for a Lasting Relationship – Contra Comic Chelsea Handler

(Link): Ramifications of Pre Martial Sex – Sky Diver Husband; Also: Stereotypes About All Men Wanting Sex Constantly and Being Visually Stimulated Disproven Again

(Link):  Hypocrisy: Secular Pundits Judge Christian Sexuality: Josh Duggar’s So-Called Vanilla Sexual Preferences Deemed Dull

(Link):  Sometimes Fornication Can Impact Another Relationship Later – One Example

(Link): Virgins and Celibates are Sexual – Not Asexual and Androgynous – You don’t have to have sex to possess sexuality

(Link): Why Is There Shame Around Being a ‘Relationship Virgin’ by B. DePaulo

(Link):  Woman Says She Refuses to Hook-up with Men ‘For Fun’ – Says Most Men She’s Met Are Willing to Wait

(Link): Why So Much Fornication – Because Christians Have No Expectation of Sexual Purity

(Link): Typical Erroneous Teaching About Adult Celibacy Rears Its Head Again: To Paraphrase Speaker at Ethics and Public Policy Center: Lifelong Celibacy is “heroic ethical standard that is not expected of heteros, so it should not be expected of homosexuals”

(Link): Guy So Depressed Over Being Single He Cut Off His Own Penis (article)

(Link): When Adult Virginity and Adult Celibacy Are Viewed As Inconvenient or As Impediments

(Link): Sex, Love & Celibacy by Christian Author Dan Navin

(Link): Slut Shaming and Virgin Shaming and Secular and Christian Culture – Dirty Water / Used Chewing Gum and the CDC’s Warnings – I guess the CDC is a bunch of slut shamers ?

(Link): Long Editorial about Virginity at CT – Don’t Blame Evangelicals for the Cult of the Virgin – I Notice It’s the Fornicators Who Want to Ignore or Downplay the Bible’s Teaching that People Are To Stay Virgins Until Marriage

(Link): Editorial about Celibacy by Ed Shaw

(Link): A Man Allegedly Shot A Baby In The Head After Her Mom Rejected Him At A Party by B. Sacks

(Link):  Dudes, Stop Putting Women in the Girlfriend-Zone

(Link):  Self Control – everyone has it, is capable of it, but most choose not to use it (New Study Says Conservatives Have Better Self Control Than Liberals)

(Link):   Some Atheists Are Just As Ignorant About Adult Singleness and Celibacy as Progressive Christians, Secular Feminists, and Protestant Evangelical or Conservative Christians

(Link):  Woman Chops Off Her Ex-Husband’s Penis With a Kitchen Knife After He Turned Up At Her Home and “Demanded Sex”

(Link): Americans Having Less Sex Now, Says 2017 Study

(Link):  The Many Reasons That People Are Having Less Sex (2017 article via BBC News)

(Link):   Young, Attractive, and Totally Not Into Having Sex by K McGowan

(Link):  Teens Too Busy Playing Video Games to Have Sex

(Link): Study: Americans Having Less Sex; Video Streaming May Be To Blame

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