Women Reveal What It Feels Like To Be In A Sexless Marriage by K. Borresen
Before I give you the link to the article, I wanted to say…
I’ve mentioned this before in my years of blogging here and will continue to mention this, but: the Christianity I grew up with in the 1970s to the 1990s emphasized that if a person just sexually abstained until marriage, that married sex would be great and frequent.
We were also taught by Christians, especially of the complementarian variety, that only men want and “need” sex, while all women supposedly hate sex and have to be convinced through those frequent, annoying, male-entitled sermons by sexist idiot male Christians, that wives should put out more for their husbands, because God supposedly “wired” men to want sex more (which is a lot of crap).
At any rate, almost all examples I have on my blog of sexless marriages (and yes, even Christians can end up in sexless marriages), are of married WOMEN who say they MISS sex and aren’t having any because their HUSBAND (for whatever the reason) does not want to have sex.
This goes to reveal that conservative and complementarian assumptions about men and women’s sexuality is completely incorrect.
This below, from Huffington Post, is quite long, so I will not be copying the entire piece to my blog, only a few excerpts.
Coping with rejection, frustration and low self-worth can take a toll on both partners in the relationship.
By Kelsey Borresen
11/08/2019 02:59pm EST
When a couple stops having sex, it doesn’t just affect things in the bedroom — it often puts a strain on the entire relationship.
If both partners are content with little to no sex, then those dry spells (which are (Link): quite common, by the way) may not pose a problem. But in relationships in which one or both partners value their sex lives, a dead bedroom can bring up painful emotions, fears and resentments that just push them further and further apart.
“Couples collude in silence,” sex therapist Kimberly Resnick Anderson told HuffPost in 2018. “They decide it is easier to have no sex at all than to deal with the hurt feelings and unpredictable emotions, such as guilt or anger.”
A number of factors can give way to a period of sexlessness: physical or mental health conditions, having kids, stress,mismatched libidos and communication issues, to name a few.
We asked women who have lived through sexless marriages to reveal what the experience was like for them and how it affected their relationships.
For privacy reasons, some respondents’ last names have been withheld or a pseudonym has been used. Interviews have been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.
“In my experience, a sexless marriage begins when conversation dies and then it’s a natural progression to physical and spiritual celibacy between two people. Even writing these words draws up those feelings of deep loneliness and feeling unloved. I guess he may have felt the same except he was still trying to initiate physical sex but without putting in the effort to kindle desire through attention and conversation.
….‘I Felt So Unattractive’
“My partner and I have been married for two and a half years, together for nine. Our relationship started with sex and it was intense.
Our libidos matched, we could talk outside the bedroom about what we liked and didn’t like and what we wanted to try next. When I moved in, all intimacy seemed to vanish overnight. It went from once every two weeks to once a month.
He always had an excuse, he was tired, not feeling well, too busy. He would physically push me away and say ‘Get off me.’ It was devastating but I kept trying, I was so attracted to him.
I knew what the problem was. He had gained weight and his overall health went downhill, resulting in little or no libido.
But he never shared that with me, just deflected or made me feel bad about desiring my partner.
The times we did have sex, there was no foreplay, no flirting in the kitchen, whispering dirty things in each other’s ears. So once we were in bed, I wasn’t ready and he complained.
I ended up in tears more often than orgasm. One night, I said to him that the night before was fun and I would like us to go to bed together again. He jumped up, told me I was stressing him out and walked to the bedroom. He came out a few minutes later to apologize, but the damage was done. I stopped initiating and planned to leave.
I hate feeling undesirable to the one man who is supposed to love me before all.
I became terrified of his rejection. I was depressed and tried medication.
I never cheated because I couldn’t hurt him and also because I felt so unattractive. My partner doesn’t want me, how could anyone else!
The relationship is over. There were many other issues besides the lack of intimacy, but the lack of intimacy seemed to magnify all other problems. If I had felt loved and desired and cared for, maybe I could have overlooked some issues.” ― Lindsay