Awful Early-Marriage Promoting Editorial, ‘The Future of Christian Marriage,’ from The Christian Post that Actually Cites Deviant Mark Regnerus (December 2020)
Below: another article (this time from The Christian Post) seemingly advocating for the good ol’ days when, supposedly, most women got married by the age of 21 and popped out 10 kids apiece and lamenting at how folks just aren’t quite into marriage now as much as they used to be.
Such articles inadvertently suggest that being single and/or childless are somehow “wrong,” immoral, dangerous for society, or “second best.” They are sometimes (Link): intentionally or inadvertently singles-shaming.
Seems that about once a year, every year, some secular conservative or Christian group or person releases some kind of editorial bemoaning delayed marriage.
You can count on these things appearing regularly. Just like death and taxes, or the sun rising in the east tomorrow.
Some of these writers lament that people no longer marry right out of high school, as was the norm around the 1960s.
One of the things I’ve learned over the years, after having read a lot of other articles about marriage (and singleness), is that marriage, even in the Bible, is not given a clear structure by God, in the sense of
- God does NOT command anyone to marry at all (God actually says that (Link): remaining single is preferable to being married),
- God does NOT say in the Bible that (Link) “the gift of singleness is rare,”
- nor does God tell anyone who to marry or at what age to marry.
Marriage has always been bound by the culture in which it resides, and another tid bit I learned in articles years ago: for years, (Link): most people in the United States married at older ages; the 1950s and 1960s phenomenon of “people marrying young” (that is, in their late teens or by their mid-20s) was actually an abnormality in our nation’s history.
According to sources I saw (again, including (Link): ones like this), “early marriage” was not the status quo in the United States for most of our nation’s existence, as so many marriage-promoters and marriage-idolaters would have one believe.
The Bible may refer to the “wife of your youth,” at one point, but that is a descriptive, not a prescriptive.
The Bible did not and does not command all to marry, nor does the Bible say it is a “sin” to marry past a certain age – those are all cultural concerns and cultural preferences at work.
God does not give a hoot about any of this – if God is concerned, he’s pretty silent about it in the biblical text.
Mark Regnerus is a deviant. I’ve blogged about Regenurs before. Why do I say he’s a deviant? Explanation as follows:
This Regnerus guy is so obsessed with promoting marriage ((Link): as is Bradford Wilcox), that he even went so far a few years ago to instruct single Christian women in an editorial (Link): to go ahead and marry self-professing Christian men who they know to use pornography.
Regnerus told single Christian women that he’s alarmed at the lack of marriages among Christians, and so, if a Christian single woman keeps “porn use” as a “deal breaker,” on her list of reasons not to marry a guy, he says that factor leads to a lack of marriages, which he considers to be really bad.
So, (Link – once more): Regnerus wrote, women should ditch THEIR criteria in what to select in a mate so as not to impede the number of marriages, even if that includes “no porn use.”
This dude is instructing grown women as to what THEIR standards should be in husband hunting – he’s asking them to violate Biblical ethics and standards on multiple levels with that awful advice, and that is beyond insulting.
Christians should never, ever use Mark Regnerus as a source in their works. The minute I see names such as Regnerus or Wilcox (of “National Marriage Project”) show up as work or authors cited in a “pro marriage” article on any site, I am immediately suspect.
This editorial from Christian Post (way below) is a re-hash of so many articles before it – there is this constant worry over the fact that more and more people are not marrying, or are delaying marriage.
The Bible nowhere expresses worry over any of this, but so many Christians continue to guilt trip and shame singles for being single, which can create all (Link): sorts of problems (Link): for single adults.
The Bible no where says that singleness is a shameful status, or that marriage can “fix” a culture.
The Bible does not teach that marriage or having children are necessary to sanctify a person (it says the (Link): indwelling Holy Spirit does that, and un-Married people ALSO have the Holy Spirit), nor does the Bible say that being married makes a person more responsible, godly, loving, or ethical.
Being married or being a parent (Link): are not prerequisites to “being human.”
(I actually have a (Link): long running list on my blog, with many real life news examples, of married Christians and married Non-Christians, who have been arrested for manufacturing child abuse imagery (ie, child porn), having sex with animals, selling or using illegal narcotics, molesting children, or abusing their wives, and engaging in all sorts of other illegal or disgusting behavior.)
The title of the article below is “the future of Christian marriage.” Why oh why do Christians NEVER express ANY concern of single adults, as in “The Future of Christian Singleness”?
Instead of bemoaning lack of marriage, (Link): why not ask how you can serve the divorced, never-married, or widowed adults in your community with their practical needs?
For the singles you know that would like to be married, (Link): what steps are you taking to ACTUALLY help them get married?
Dating sites are filled with creeps, (Link): serial rapists, and other assorted losers and weirdos, so not all singles can or will meet an eligible Mr. or Ms. Right on a dating site – so don’t sit back and advise your single friends who are tired of being single to (Link): “just try a dating site, it’s how my friend Debbie met her husband Frank.”
Do you (Link): assume (oh so wrongly) ALL singles who are single past age 30 are single BY CHOICE, or do you acknowledge there are a lot of singles who’d like to be married, but they (Link): simply don’t have a lot of potential mates in their dating pool… maybe they are (Link): too busy with a job and don’t have much time to date.
Are you (Link): personally helping single adults who’d like to be married to actually get married – are you, with their permission and input – fixing them up on dates with other single adults, and so on?
If you’re not, you are part of the problem, and you really need to shut up about “oh dear me, isn’t it worrisome that people either aren’t marrying, or they’re waiting until they’re past age 30 to marry.”
Well, you need to shut up anyway, even if you are actually helping singles get married, because all this pearl-clutching about “oh noes, folks aren’t getting married these days” is suggesting that there is something wrong about singleness, (Link): which is very insulting
Some of these marriage-idolaters who worry about the delay of marriage need to realize that “early marriages” (Link): quite often lead to depression – see also (Link): this post.
Here are excerpts from the editorial on The Christian Post:
(Link): The Future Of Christian Marriage
By John Stonestreet and G. Shane Morris, Op-Ed Contributors
[The authors describe how many Americans previously would marry quite young in decades past.]
….Beneath these stories is a view of marriage as a foundation of life, a starting point for other goals. Today, this view has been replaced by a different one, what some call the “capstone” view of marriage. In the “capstone” view, marriage is a finishing touch to add to a life after individual careers have been achieved, personal goals have been checked off, and we’ve discovered “who we are.”
This massive shift in our ideas about marriage has all kinds of consequences, from delaying weddings (for many people, into their 30’s) to cratering the fertility rate in most developed nations to normalizing premarital sex and cohabitation. Still, the most consequential changes might be occurring within the Church
—- end excerpt—
Side note here: there it is, the (Link): false assumption that if people are single, they are committing sexual sin. Not true. I’m a single – but I am celibate.
Often times, married people commit sexual sin, but I seldom hear pastors and “pro family” type conservatives acknowledge that (Link): marriage does not make people immune from sexual sin.
Continuing with more excerpts from the Christian Post:
University of Texas sociologist Mark Regnerus tracks these changes in his new book, The Future of Christian Marriage. Regnerus not only described his findings to Shane Morris on the Upstream Podcast, but he also described the dramatic steps that will be required if a culture of marriage is to be restored within the Church.
….Tragically, far fewer practice, or even try to practice, this design. The average age at first marriage is nearing historic highs in nearly every country Regnerus studied, and cohabitation is quickly becoming a common lifestyle choice, even for young people within the Church.
—- end excerpt —-
How can the authors declare remaining single and childless is ‘tragic,’ when the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7 that remaining single is preferable to being married?
Is it “tragic” that (Link): Jesus of Nazareth remained single and childless?
Continuing – here quoting Regnerus from some book he wrote (as excerpted on The Christian Post page):
This is new. Historically, marriage was never considered an optional feature of the Church’s life, nor was it a trophy you won after reaching “adulthood.” God clearly calls some to the single life and elevates their potential for ministry. At the same time, marriage is the picture the Apostle Paul uses when to illustrate the love between Jesus and His redeemed. Marriage reorients our energies and affections away from ourselves and toward others in a way nothing else, other than parenting, can.
—- end excerpt—-
So many errors here.
(Link): God does not “call” anyone to singleness or (Link): to marriage, nor does God “gift” anyone with singleness (or with marriage), see again (Link): this link for more on that.
Most Christians today (Link): do in fact equate getting married and/or (Link): having sex and/or having biological children to be a marker of adulthood, and in their books and sermons, continually suggest that being single is a mark of immaturity, an attempt to dodge responsibility, and some Christians suggest that perhaps God is angry and punishing the single adult for something, and so is with-holding a spouse from the single adult.
Regnerus’ claim that “marriage reorients our energies and affections away from ourselves and toward others in a way nothing else, other than parenting, can” is (Link): absolutely false, as studies have found. Also see (Link – off site): this page.
Continuing with excerpts from page:
If we want Christian marriage to have a future, we’ll need to change this capstone view. Much of the problem that Regnerus describes in The Future of Christian Marriage is a failure of the imagination and the inability to see marriage as attainable.
— end—
You know who makes marriage unattainable, and who makes it sound unattainable? Christians who are strongly pro-marriage, that is who (ironic, ain’t it?)
I could go on and on about the reasons and the why’s, but I will summarize it here by saying, that in American culture, if one wants to marry, one will have to date the opposite sex, which means meeting that person one on one alone at a cafe or restaurant, perfectly normal behaviors which most Christians never the less discourage, because they believe it will lead to sex.
Further, Christians began brainwashing Christian singles from the time they are children to think they have to have (Link): super nit-picky, (Link): unrealistic mate-selection criteria
– until some of them wake up and realize that this keeps singles single too long, then they go the opposite route and drop any and all moral and other standards from mate criteria (which is just as ill advised, counter effective, and disturbing as encouraging singles to have super nit picky “must haves” and “cannot stand” lists).
The Christian insistence that single Christians only marry other Christians also (Link): has led to perpetual singleness for Christian woman who’d like to marry, and maybe a few single Christian men along the way (this seems to be more an issue for women, though, since there are more women in churches than men).
Lastly, Christians seldom acknowledge that there has existed for decades now a gender imbalance in most churches, where single Christian women out-number single Christian men.
Most American churches consist of women, and the men that do attend are either too young, are married, or are over the age of 80 and widowed – and no unmarried woman who wants marriage who is between the ages of 25 and 75 wants to marry an 80 year old man.
This (Link): common- place gender imbalance in Christianity, at least in the United States (I’m not sure if this is a world wide problem), factors into prolonged, unwanted singleness for a lot of Christian women who’d like to be married.
I’ve had it with these worry-wart, pearl clutching articles, books, pod casts and editorials where-in a conservative Christian “freaks out” and worries about declining marriage rates.
You marriage- promoting jokers don’t give a rat about helping singles in their singleness, you inadvertently re-enforce the marriage-obsessed culture that already exists in most churches (which marginalizes single adults), and you never actually help singles who’d like to marry to actually get married.
You marriage worshipping, over-enthusiastic marriage-extolling Christians act as obstacles to single adults who’d like to get married.
Why don’t you support singles in their singleness, and for the ones who’d like to marry, why don’t you either help them to actually get married, or step aside already?
Related (More Posts On This Blog):
(Link): Decent Secular Relationship Advice: How to Pick Your Life Partner
(Link): Single Adult Christian Pressured Into Marriage by Her Church – And Regrets It
(Link): What Christians Really Think About the Church’s Relationship Advice by Anna Broadway
(Link): I’m a Christian Married to an Atheist — Here’s How We Make It Work by S. Allen
(Link): Depressing Testimony: “I Was A Stripper but Jesus Sent Me A Great Christian Husband”
(Link): Sick of Being Single / I Am So Sick and Tired of Being Single Alone Unmarried Lonely
(Link): How the Dating Scene Became Stacked Against Women
(Link): Getting Married Is Not an Accomplishment by N. Brooke
(Link): Stop Believing God Told You to Marry Your Spouse by G. Thomas
(Link): Christians Who Marry Non-Believers Must Be Ex-Communicated, Says John Piper
(Link): Dear Abby: Friends Push Overweight Woman To Date But Offer No Help
(Link): Sex Regarded as Passage Into Adulthood
(Link): Seven Truths About Marriage You Won’t Hear in Church by F. Powell
(Link): ‘Why Are You Single’ Lists That Do Not Pathologize Singles by Bella DePaulo
(Link): Lies The Church Tells Single Women (by Sue Bohlin)
(Link): There is No Such Thing as a Gift of Singleness or Gift of Celibacy or A Calling To Either One
Christian Pundit 
Thanks for your blog – spot on in so many things..! I have been ranting about the same issues for years.
As a single, never married woman in my late 40’s, my experience on Christian dating / singles sites: the people who usually get blessed, are those already divorced. Being a divorced woman with children, is seen as something preferable, a sign that you already ‘understand life’ and have proven your desirability..
I have witnessed it again and again: divorced people easily gravitate towards each other and get serious. Those of us who are sincere, and waited for years, rarely meet anyone – except by old men and creeps. As a single woman, I am seen as odd, not worthy of the trouble. The rare occasion I have ‘given a divorced man a chance’, he has proven out to be a covert abuser / psychopath, who only used me as his entertainment and ego boost.. (before finding a sexy divorced mama as his ‘real woman’, of course.)
It can really be such a shattering, heartbreaking experience, that I am not able to go back to a singles’ site where I still have a (donated) membership… the trauma was just too much.
The only blessings has been the friendships I made with other. equally single never married women, and some men. They do understand.
@ NarnianLady.
Sounds like you’ve been through some tough times. I’m sorry.
I do have a post on this blog somewhere, going back years, that the church does respect or treat divorced single women a step better than they do never married women who are over age of 30.
I know some churches treat divorced people like garbage, but they at least seem to grudgingly “respect” divorced women for having had been married once and possibly have children from that marriage,
but if you’re over the age of 30 and a woman who’s never married and never had kids, they either don’t realize you exist,
or for the ones who do, they treat you like you must have some horrid flaw that has kept you single all this time.
I have one blog post here about a Christian pastor who actually says in one of his blog posts that never married Christian singles who are over the age of 40 are losers or not worth marrying. Seriously.
The church does treat single women like trash.
And I know dating sites are chock full of losers, perverts, and weirdos, even the ones who say in their profiles that they are “Christian.” I’ve done several blog posts on that issue before.
I think secular society has gotten a little better at the singleness topic than they did in years past. Hollywood used to make these movie suggesting that a woman is nothing until she lands a man, but in the past two decades, they started making movies that defy that stereotype, at least.
If you use the search feature on this blog or the tags / pull down menu, you should be able to find more related posts.
(Link): Pat Robertson’s Downer, Bad Advice to Gabby the Mid-30s, Never Married Lady Who’s Not Having Success with Dating Sites
(Link): Ask Amy: These Sex-Crazed Weirdos Turned Me Off Internet Dating
(Link): Dude Writes to Miss Manners Advice Columnist: “Miss Manners: No one Ever Replies to Me on Dating Sites”
That is so true.
Some of my single never married friends (in our 40’s and 50’s) are scratching our heads at this logic. Why on earth it is Ok to jump into a dysfunctional marriage, and then divorce, – but avoiding it and waiting for someone who you have peace about makes you a loser?
Those pastors really should be roasted in purgatory. seriously.
I know awesome, thoughtful, intelligent, kind, generous singles, who wanted for years to be married and serve God with their spouse. (they are often in missions, just like I have been, international travellers and speak several languages fluently..)
All that has not brought them a husband or wife….
What I do not understand is, how would a disastrous marriage make me a better person?
I’m sure there are things one can learn from that.. but we are not supposed to walk into a disaster in order to learn from it.
Oh, by the way.. I would say that in many cases the fault really lies with men. I know how women often are treated in ministry circles… men just are intimidated and rather have someone who is a ‘downgrade’.. someone ‘easy-going’.
I have given on line dating some serious time. There is a site I have been on and off for years, mostly for the fellowship with other singles. Finding someone for marriage has been hopeless.. unless you are divorced..!
As a single never married woman, I have been told that I have nothing to offer – … since I do not even have a kid out of wedlock, men assume that I am asexual. which is 100% a false assumption.
@ NarnianLady
Hey. Just wanted to say I agree with many of the points you raised in your comments, and I’ve blogged about them here and there on this blog in the past several years.
One of my posts that ties in to some of what you were saying is this one:
(Link): Christians Advise Singles To Follow Certain Dating Advice But Then Shame, Criticize, or Punish Singles When That Advice Does Not Work
-That blog post was one of my most popular ever with single adults. A lot of single adults who went to church for years really related to it.
Only in Christianity do you get penalized, insulted, and shamed for following advice they told you when younger to follow. It’s reprehensible.
I also don’t understand why so many Christians want to use fornicators as mentors on the topic of how to avoid sexual sin.
I have done a few posts about it over the years, such as (but not limited to):
(Link): Churches Would Rather Hear From Ex Porn Stars Than Adult Celibates or Virgins – Church Invites Ex Porn Star to be Guest Speaker
(Link): Many Christians Really Do Prefer to Use Sexual Failures as Role Models As Opposed to Success Stories – The Tullian Tchividjian Come back
(Link): Past Sin Does Not Make You A Better Spiritual Leader by P Cooke
-I have a few more posts like that on this blog.
It doesn’t make any sense to me, nor is it fair, for Christians and other people to assume that someone who’s not married past the age of 35 or 40 is some kind of defective loser who doesn’t deserve marriage, but divorced people are more capable and desirable as marriage partners… totally backwards thinking.
Hi, Christian Pundit.
I sometimes observed single Christian guys who are socially awkward. They maybe good guys and have good characters. However, they are unable to hold conversation or avoid eye contact or even play with phone during conversation. My worries is that ladies may find them unattractive.
By chance, have you blogged about this topic before? I would like to know your thought about this.
Hi, Christian Pundit.
I have been reading your blog for some time.
First of all, I would like to thank you for expressing your feeling honestly.
Perhaps I would like to share with you my experience too. Hopefully, I can offer another perspective to some of your questions in this blog.
In 2009, fresh after university, I started praying for a life partner. There was a problem: I was very awkward when it came to dating. I was not able to properly approach a single lady to talk to her. So, I experienced numerous rejection from single Christian ladies. After each rejection, my heart broke and I was disappointed with God. Where is His promise again that if I build His house, He would build my house? After all, I served faithfully, I maintained spiritual discipline and I gave tithe/offering regularly. Will I ever have a house (i.e. descendants) of my own?
The book of Job was often my comfort as it dealt with reality of suffering and disappointment. There was not mention about the love of God as, frankly speaking, it is difficult to believe that God is love when we suffer. Though my suffering was way less intense than Job’s, I often meditated on Job 3.
In 2013, I joined a singles group in church. We had monthly fellowship over dinner or outdoor activities.
I was (and still am) passionate about this singles group and I volunteered to organize the events.
I thought to myself: if I cannot find a life partner here, at least I can help others find their life partner.
After all, this desire to find life partner can be painful at times, as Proverb says the hope deferred makes the heart sick.
Nevertheless, I still faced much rejection even in this group. From 2009 to 2017, more than 20 Christian ladies rejected me. At this point, I was too numb to feel the pain.
In 2018, finally I managed to court a single lady from this group. However, due to incompatibility, we broke up after 4 months of dating. Nevertheless, by this time, my dating and social skill improved dramatically which helped me in approaching the final lady.
Shortly, toward the end of 2018, I met a lady through an online Christian dating app. Our meet up quickly grew into relationship. At the end of 2019 we got married.
Before meeting me, my wife had her own share of disappointment. Hence, she is supportive of my passion toward singles group. Even after the wedding, I still organized events for the singles in church.
Due to Covid-19 in the beginning of 2020, I stopped organizing singles event. Nevertheless, I tried to be a matchmaker by introducing one single to another within the group. In total, I tried to help one single guy and 2 single ladies, all in their 30s. Honestly speaking, it was tiring to be a matchmaker. These 3 singles unintentionally treated me like a professional dating agency. They asked me, “What is his/her age?”, “What is his/her job?”, etc. The most tiring question they asked was “Can you introduce someone else?”. So, I have stopped this matchmaking initiatives.
Anyway, since the restriction of Covid-19 in my area is relaxed, I will organize another singles’ event soon. I am still passionate to help them in their journey to find Mr/Miss Right. Singleness can be disappointing and I felt it too.
I understand you have reservation regarding dating sites. I think in the end, good and bad people are everywhere, both online and offline. I recommended the same Christian dating site I used to meet my wife to other single ladies. However, these singles ladies told me that the single guys from the very same Christian dating site are immoral: out of nowhere these guys requested sex. So, I think we just need to be careful too in using dating site.
I hope my experience above can give you another perspective for this blog
Regards
Reply to Jef:
Thank you for your input.
The vast majority of Christians I’ve come across and have read about do not help single adults to get married. But then many of them complain about singles not getting married.
I am not totally against dating sites and recognize that there are both good and bad aspects to dating sites, but I am very tired of Christian married couples who assume getting married is easy-peasy, and all I have to do is JOIN A DATING SITE.
I did try dating sites in my mid or late 30s, and most guys were perverts (even the ones who identified as Christian on their profiles).
But anyway – most Christians will NOT help singles to get married – they will give many excuses – such as, they don’t want to “turn church into a meat market” and they are fond of brushing off any help they could give with empty platitudes such as “bloom where you’re planted” and “just trust in God’s timing.”
-All of which is very unhelpful and doesn’t actually help in getting singles to get married, if they want to marry.
In the meantime, Christian singles are either ignored in church, or they are exploited by churches (they’re brainwashed to be free babysitters for married couples),
AND, they are often on the receiving end of insulting, anti-singles stereotypes by guys like Al Mohler (who says that single, childless adults are not truly human).
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment.
Edit. ~ I also meant to say, I think it’s wonderful you at least at one time tried to help singles get married by fixing them up on dates.
Most Christians will not actually take steps like that to help other people, whether it’s helping single adults get dates, or helping anyone with whatever problem.
The church would be far better served by simply teaching the word – in context, and with attention to the original Greek and Hebrew texts – and not adding to the scriptures.
To hear the dear leaders tell it, marriage and parenthood are all there is to the word. Oh, and giving money, of course.
Sorry not sorry, I’ll stick to the teachings of the Word, not of man.