Dear Therapist: My Husband and I Don’t Have Sex Anymore
~INTRODUCTION (the letter from the sexless marriage lady to the therapist is below)~
Even today, some Christians run around (from what I’ve seen online) making this bogus promise that if people just wait until marriage to have sex, that the sex will be great, and it will be regular.
(This is something Christians did back in the 1980s and 1990s, and they are still doing this today in 2021 – maybe not as much(?), but it definitely still happens on occasion.)
A lot of Christians (and secular conservatives) shame and insult adults who do not have children. They have this false Gospel that The Nuclear Family will save mankind – as in culture, a nation, etc (parenthood and marriage are also included in this).
Well, every so often, I see people write in to advice columnists to say they are in sexless marriages, and quite a few of them say they are unhappy being in a sexless marriage.
Even more interesting is that many of those writing in to the columnists are WOMEN.
As in, these women like sex and want to be having more sex, but their husband, for whatever reason, is totally not into having sex.
Why mention this? Because a lot of idiot Gender Complementarian Christians have this false stereotype that women don’t want sex – they think only men want sex.
Just keep all that in mind as you are reading this, and please check out the links at the bottom, under “Related Posts.”
by L. Gottlieb
June 22, 2019
“I miss the closeness we had before our baby was born.”
[Woman writes in to say she and her husband had a great romance, and after a few months, moved in together. They were engaged, married about two years later, and she got pregnant]
….Our sex was always good before I got pregnant. When our baby was born, my husband had postnatal depression and I had to keep everything together. I was finding it hard inside, but just had to act strong for the both of us. That really put a strain on our marriage.
Our beautiful baby boy is now 15 months old and we never have sex. Our son has just started to sleep through the night, and I think we have gotten so used to taking care of our son at night and not having sex that now it feels so awkward.
This is so upsetting, and I don’t know if we are attracted to each other anymore. We have date nights and nights off, but we still never want to have sex. He said it’s like having sex with his mate.
[The woman goes on to say that she really doesn’t want to end the marriage if she can avoid it, but she doesn’t see herself putting up with a sexless marriage for another ten years or more]
…I can imagine how hard it was on you when your husband was suffering from postnatal depression. You may have felt worried about his condition, resentful that he wasn’t able to be present in the ways you’d hoped, and terribly alone at the very time you needed him to be there for you the most. This likely wasn’t the image of new parenthood you’d pictured.
…Depression also tends to dampen a person’s sex drive, which may have felt frustrating to him and added to any feelings he may have been having of shame or inadequacy.
…In one couple’s session in my therapy office, a woman became offended when her husband, talking about the difficulties with desire he had been having since his wife gave birth, used the word traumatized to describe what he was feeling. It wasn’t until he asked her to imagine his experience—in the reverse—that she understood.
“What if my penis suddenly expanded to 10 times its size,” he said to his wife. “And then I defecated on the sheets while a human being with a full head of hair emerged from my privates—and it was tethered to me by a cord. And then after that, a tsunami of blood came flooding out? And then milk came out of my nipples day and night. Maybe it wouldn’t affect you at all when it was time to have sex using these same parts of my body—but maybe it would.”
[End of husband’s weird and gross story]
….Remember, too, that there’s a lot to a physical relationship that exists between sex and no sex—holding hands, kissing, touching, cuddling, massage.
— end of excerpts —-
Okay then. So what did we learn there? Again, just getting married isn’t a guarantee you’re going to have good sex or regular sex.
We also learned that Parenthood is not an endless source of joy and purpose, but can leave people feeling drained, tired, intimidated, filled with resentment, and that parenthood can interfere with married sex life…
This is contrary to all the b.s. about motherhood being so awesome! that Matt Walsh, Al Mohler and other conservatives often spew – or, they take the opposite tack and inform people that “feminists” or anyone who doesn’t want children or who can’t have them are terrible people who will live unfulfilling lives.
Does any of this mean I am “anti baby,” or “anti marriage” or “anti family.” Why no, it does not.
But I am totally against Christians and secular pundits who go around all over the place – whether Twitter, You Tube, blogs, or TV appearances – braying and bleating in such a way they make way too much out of marriage and parenting.
There’s nothing wrong with being single and childless or childfree, contrary to the propaganda and smears put out by the Al Mohlers and Matt Walshes of the world.
The Bible no where teaches that a person has to be a married parent to be of value, to please God.
No where does the Bible say that The Nuclear Family or marriage or being a wife and mother will save a person or a culture from sin and the wrath of God.
There’s no reason, certainly not from spiritual grounds, to keep pushing marriage and parenthood at the expense of singleness, single adults, or being childless or childfree.
You don’t have to promote marriage or having kids by simultaneously insulting singleness, single adults, or being childfree or childless.
Promote marriage (and having children) if you wish, but do so without pitting marriage against singleness, and then insisting that marriage is ALWAYS better than singleness, that singleness is terrible, and that single adults are all losers, selfish, weird, or unhappy, or failing God or nation in some way.
Jesus of Nazareth never married and never had children, so I find it strange that so many Christians keep on demonizing any adult who cannot or does not marry or have children.