Christlike or Pornlike? A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage by Andrew J. Bauman and Taylor May
by Andrew J. Bauman
I am proud to be writing this article in partnership with Taylor May, a survivor of emotional and spiritual abuse. She has boldly shared her own story about what it was like to be married to someone who had a Pornographic Style of Relating, (PSR) and what it felt like to be used by him with her Church’s consent.
*Trigger warning for those who have suffered this type of betrayal trauma.
I’ve written about the pornographic style of relating here (PSR), but today we will hear from the perspective of a woman who has lived on the other side of this dynamic.
Many people have been talking about this with the release of this new book [Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life by Gary Thomas] and some of its disturbing implications.
How can we talk about what these women are experiencing, and what can we learn from them?
Taylor May has offered her story and her experience below. My hope is that this can begin to clear up the muddy waters of what it means to live a Christlike marriage in a deeply pornified world.
by Taylor May
I didn’t realize how a pornographic style of relating was so deeply embedded into my first marriage until I was firmly planted into my second marriage.
That’s when I began to see the impact my first husband’s issue with lust had on my new, much healthier relationship.
Let me tell you my story, and how I and countless other women feel when our significant others lust for other women, on-screen or off.
Those of us who grew up in the evangelical Church have been told that we are responsible for men’s lust issues. This lie has been perpetrated by the church for far too long.
Many men are leading our church conversations with 90% of pastors being men, and considering that nearly 50% of those pastors self-report having used pornography, it would make sense that they would try to gaslight women by minimizing the destructive nature of porn use.
One way they do this is by framing it as a women’s issue or a sex issue, rather than the objectification of women/sin issue–one that stems from the person doing the objectifying.
…Another lie I was told was that, as the wife, I alone was responsible for the health or lack thereof in our marriage. The church has made this point loud and clear.
Over and over again, women are told that without a consistent sex life (which is our responsibility to cultivate), our marriage will crumble.
But, if we just have more sex, our marriage problems will disappear. Put on lipstick, do your hair, show a little cleavage. But only when you’re alone, of course, or you’ll cause other men to stumble. Do you hear the absolute madness? These are contradictions that would drive any woman insane.
In other words: “Be like the porn I have consumed for the last two decades….
But what about my needs? What about the importance of my pleasure; my sexual wants and desires? Why did I have to kill them so I could remain married? ….
….Despite my responsibility in enabling his [her first husband’s] immature and selfish behavior, I also feel angry and duped by those who taught me how to be this type of submissive/voiceless wife.
The people I trusted to lead and guide me to be more Christlike instead led me to be more porn-like–to betray my good body and my gut at every turn.
….By the end of our marriage, after he had told me divorce was our only option, and that he still had time to find a Godly wife, he said he would stay with me if I had sex with him twice a week, no matter how I felt about him. Basically, he wanted to rape me every Tuesday and Thursday.
… [In discussing her second marriage to another guy:]
Is a man too tired for sex? Yes, that is completely normal. Sex is just a slice of the pie, not the entire pie. It’s a beautiful part of marriage but cannot be the centerpiece of a marriage.
Finally, after assuring and reassuring me too many times, he made me realize that maybe just maybe I had been paying too much attention to the evangelical over-sexualization of … well, everything…
—- end —-
Please (Link): visit this page to read the rest of that
The lady who wrote that essay went on to say that their marriage was either sexless, or what sex she was having with her first husband was so bad (from his view?) that the husband felt like he wasn’t sexually satisfied
– to that jackass (her ex husband), and to all the Gary Thomases, Mark Driscolls, Douglas Wilsons and etc., out there, who believe men will die without sex (no, you won’t), who arrogantly think and teach they are entitled to sex, you guys have never heard of masturbation?
If your wife isn’t in the mood, or doesn’t want to perform particular porn acts, (including sucking on your cock), go…
1.) grab a bottle of lotion and tissue and get busy with your self and/or
2.) go take a Yoga class, become super flexible, and suck on your own cock.
Your wife does not owe you sex. Misquoting New Testament verses about ‘don’t deprive one another’ doesn’t cut it, sorry. Your wife still has a right to her boundaries and saying “No” to you.
I’m a celibate, single, middle aged adult with a normal libido, and I am surviving without sex – I don’t have the “gift of celibacy,” but I am not dying from lack of sex acts with another human being, as you can also accomplish.
But I’d really encourage you to read the entire essay that author wrote – it shows many of the same, repeated sexist notions, teachings, beliefs that Christian married women are expected to put up with by many other Christians.
To Single Women: Regarding: Dating Divorced Men
As to this portion of the author’s piece:
By the end of our marriage, after he [her first husband] had told me divorce was our only option, and that he still had time to find a Godly wife, he said he would stay with me if I had sex with him twice a week, no matter how I felt about him. Basically, he wanted to rape me every Tuesday and Thursday.
—- end —-
This sort of thing concerns me, a never-married woman. If you’re an un-married woman, just keep in mind that if you are trying dating sites or trying to meet single (including divorced) men, you may be getting this woman’s perverted, sexist, selfish, ex-husband showing up as a match on the dating site you belong to, or he may be the guy sitting next to you in a Bible studies class at church.
And not just this guy specifically, but ones like him. Plenty of Christian blogs and forums out there are chalk full of Christian women who were in similar or worse marriages, where there was verbal, sexual, and/or physical abuse, and they divorced their loser husbands – well, those newly-divorced men often want to re-marry.
So, what do they do? They begin spouse hunting again on dating sites or by stopping by churches.
If you’re a single woman dating a divorced guy, bear in mind there may be a very, very good reason he’s on the market again – because his last wife divorced him because he’s an entitled, abusive asshole who you do NOT want to marry, or even date.
(Link): How the Sexual Revolution Ruined Friendship – Also: If Christians Truly Believed in Celibacy and Virginity, they would stop adhering to certain sexual and gender stereotypes that work against both
(Link): Jesus Christ was not afraid to meet alone with known Prostitutes / Steven Furtick and Elevation Church Perpetuating Anti Singles Bias – ie, Single Women are Supposedly Sexual Temptresses, All Males Can’t Control Their Sex Drives – (but this view conflicts with evangelical propaganda that married sex is great and frequent)