Poster “Donna Hazel” Was Blocked From This Blog Yet Still Tries to Post – She Is an Incorrect, Insufferable Cow
This rude individual who calls herself “Donna Hazel” (which I abbreviate at times as “DH”) is apparently still trying to comment on this blog, though I blocked her the other day, and I told her in one of my last comments that she was blocked here.
Any further comments she attempts to make to this blog are automatically sent to the blog’s trash can.
I only saw the first few lines of one of the posts she attempted to make last night or this morning(?) when I was skimming over the blog’s “comments” section, and one of these newer ones was marked as “Trash.”
I did not read the entire post she left.
This hideous person takes umbrage at a post I made earlier,
(Link): Clinical Depression Doesn’t Make People Incapable of Making Choices or Changes,
where she made a comment or two below that post.
Despite the fact I state upfront (see top of blog, main page) that I don’t allow dissenting views to be published on this blog, I permitted at least one of her posts to go through.
I also partially replied to her second post yesterday, before deleting her second post (I did not read the entire post).
No Healing From Depression is Possible, Says Donna Hazel!
Just Keep Repeating the Same Unsuccessful Actions You’ve Been Doing for Years to Keep that Depression in Place!
Apparently, if this DH (Donna Hazel) person knew “Emma,” (not her real name), a friend I recently had a spat with, she, DH, would think the appropriate way to deal with Emma, who claims to be helpless in life because she has depression (and maybe, arguably, due to other reasons) would be to humor “Emma” and enable her in her depression, by merely repeating back to Emma what Emma wants to hear:
that change is beyond Emma, and Emma is forever doomed to spend the remainder of her life in depression.
According to DH, Emma cannot and should not lift a finger or even consider that maybe she can do something to alleviate her depression or other aspects of her life.
According to DH, poor Emma is a helpless victim and is bound to spend the rest of her life in a state of depression, meaning, she, “Emma,” will more or less spend her days watching Net Flix, when not complaining to people she befriends online on Facebook or Twitter or whatever social media (for the express or primary purpose of complaining that life is so shucky darn unfair), and when not napping mid-day for a few hours.
I guess if you’re depressed, and Donna Hazel is your friend, she’d just sit about and enable you in this.
She’d just pat you on your hand and tell you, why yes, just roll over and sleep during half the day, every day, then spend the rest of the day complaining to people on social media about how terrible life is.
There’s NOTHING you can do to halt the depression, Donna Hazel would say, so don’t even try! Any one who tells you otherwise is mean, victim blaming, and so uncaring.
That is what Donna Hazel thinks is appropriate, loving, emotional support… but it’s the type of “support” that will keep the depressed person depressed for years.
Donna Hazel reminds me of this news story:
Michelle Carter, the Massachusetts woman who as a teen encouraged her boyfriend via text messages to kill himself, was released early from prison on Thursday.
— end —
Yep. Instead of encouraging the suicidal, depressed teen boy to get help, his friend, Michelle Carter, told him to give in to the depression and just kill himself already, which is what he did.
That sounds right from the “Donna Hazel school of how to treat depression.”
What Worked For Me – It May or May Not Work For You, But No Harm in Looking
I am not necessarily saying that what helped me escape depression will necessarily do the same for anyone and everyone else (Donna Hazel is an idiot who misunderstand my commentary)
– but –
I do know that a depressed person napping half the day and spending the rest of the day in front of screens (such as television and computers), as “Emma” does daily, will do nothing to help them, to erase the depression, or to ease it.
I do suspect that the the advice I gave to Emma would help Emma in particular.
Emma spends quite a bit of time online, including on social media, where she looks at or shares negative links and negative commentary (not all of the content she shares is negative, but quite a bit).
Studies have shown that spending too much time on social media can increase depression.
‘Like’ it or not, using social media can cause anxiety, depression, and other health challenges. How can you change your habits?
I suspect that much of what I learned could be of use to my ex friend Emma.
If Emma looks at the content and tips I sent her and doesn’t find it works for her, that’s fine.
(edit. I got the feeling that “Emma” didn’t even bother to read any of the five or six articles I linked her to. She gets offended by the MERE IDEA of the suggestion there is anything at all she MIGHT be able to change or do to help herself.)
But there is no harm in looking at material I send her way and considering it.
It beats Emma’s or DH’s alternative: doing nothing.
Emma wants to sit around in her recliner all day watching Net Flix and feeling depressed, and DH thinks the “best way” to help Emma is to just keep on patting her hand and say,
“You poor thing you! No, don’t lift a finger to find a cure for your depression! Just keep on spending all live long day in a recliner playing Farmville on Facebook until you die; you can’t help it. I am so sorry you have depression!”
I do know that Emma, my ex friend, has a terrible, negative attitude, which plays a role in keeping her trapped in depression (more on that below). Her negative attitude isn’t coming just from the depression.
If you want to rid yourself of depression, or at least bring it down several notches, you will have to CHANGE SOMETHING about your life style, your attitude, and/or leave your home to go see a psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist, and possibly take anti-depressant medication.
If you have depression and merely lounge around in your home all day, spending half the day napping, the other watching TV, your depression is not going to improve all on its own. Duh!
Donna Hazel acts arrogant and incredibly dismissive about self help techniques and self-help material.
She mocked self-help in one of her last comments to me on this blog.
I cannot financially afford to see a psychiatrist any more, I don’t have medical insurance that covers therapy, so I am left to my own devices, you insensitive, rude, arrogant, presumptuous cow, Donna Hazel.
Emma, my ex friend, doesn’t have much money, and I believe she either has Medicare or Medicaid, but none of what she has apparently covers therapy sessions or seeing a psychiatrist (for talk therapy), though she is taking doctor-prescribed anti-depressants, if I recall correctly.
(If “Emma” is on anti-depressant medications, they don’t seem to be helping her, so she should be trying something else or in addition to the meds.)
Because Emma and I are not rolling in lots of money…
I seek out FREE content by mental health professionals online, and I’ve found much of it quite useful.
That free, online, self help, mental health material that “Donna Hazel,” (who claims to be so very loving and compassionate, yet mocks that material), is one of the things that helped me chip away at depression and to deal with my on-going generalized anxiety disorder.
Furthermore, I figure since Emma is short on funds, she can access the SAME FREE mental health help material on the internet that I’ve found helpful.
But idiots like DH just want to mock things like that. You are so compassionate, Donna Hazel! 🙄
Most of the free, online “self help” content I view and read that DH mocks is written or created by licensed therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists.
“Donna Hazel” is apparently hung up about college degrees for some reason.
The “trashed” post I skimmed today in this blog’s admin area had her asking at the top, “I notice you didn’t mention what your degree in.”
Yes, I have a college degree, a Bachelor’s, and I may be in the process of obtaining another degree (in an unrelated field to my first one) at a later date.
As I am trying to retain a certain level of anonymity on this blog, I will not reveal exactly what my Bachelor’s is in or what area the other degree I began seeking is in.
And you can suck that up, Donna Hazel. It’s none of your fucking business.
I don’t share every detail about myself or even “Emma” on this blog, so you have no idea what you are talking about.
If Donna Hazel has a mental health degree, she is a quack and must have slept through any and all psychology courses she took while in college.
No, I am not a mental health professional, nor have I ever claimed to be one – which Emma knew, as well.
One of the things I did learn in my college psychology courses and from reading over the years is that qualified, competent psychotherapists and psychologists have a goal of getting their depressed patients to function in life again.
Which means, competent mental health professionals do not only sit about giving their patients “emotional support,” but, as I explained in my previous post, they expect their patients to make changes in their thinking and in their life, and there are different types of tools and therapies they do to accomplish this.
There is not a single competent mental health professional who would instruct a depressed patient to just continue to stay in bed in their pajamas all day and make no effort to get out of bed, shower, or go to school, nor hold a job. None.
Depression runs on both sides of my family.
My older sister has been diagnosed by psychiatrists with depression and PTSD, and she explained to me that she too has never, ever had a single mental health professional instruct her to just stay in bed and do nothing, or tell her it’s impossible for her to hold down a job.
My sister, as part of her college degree towards her career (and as I am keeping my sister anonymous, no, fuck you, Donna Hazel, I will not be saying WHAT career my sister is in, nor what her degree is in), did have to take a lot of psychology courses, and she said none of these courses or material taught that someone with clinical depression is incapable of holding down a job or going to school.
My sister has had depression and PTSD for years but has worked jobs steadily since her teen years…. so she too isn’t buying “Emma’s” or your bunk that mental health professionals would tell a depressed person they are never, ever able to get out of bed, and/or shower, and/or get dressed, and/or attend school, and/or hold down a job.
I managed to go to college full time in spite of having clinical depression, and I held down jobs, too, so yes, it can be done. Was it easy? No, but it can be done.
And I’m not the only one.
Donna Hazel is an ignorant cow who needs for other people’s lived realities to be false because it doesn’t match her preconceived notions about depression or how it’s treated or can be treated or dealt with.
I Found A Way Out of Depression, On My Own, Without Having a College Degree in Psychology
However, I was diagnosed with clinical depression at a young age by a psychiatrist, it was verified into my teens, 20s, and 30s by other psychiatrists I saw.
I took psychology courses in college (and made A’s in those).
I spent years reading up on depression, prior to the advent of the internet, when one had to drive to a brick and mortar building to check out books at libraries.
Then, when the internet became a “thing,” I began researching depression online.
I don’t give a flying fuck what papers, college degrees, or psychology courses DH has read or taken; I eventually found a way out of depression alone, on my own, when face- to- face counseling with psychiatrists did not help me, when anti-depressant medications did not cure me, and the Christian faith did not cure me of depression, either.
DH is an idiot who thinks that all depressed people want to stay depressed, she feels they all just want emotional support, and they are not interested in actually researching depression so that they can permanently get rid of it or reduce its impact.
A Cure, Not More Emotional Support
My dear, sweet, now departed, mother used to give me tons and tons of emotional support back in the day when my depression was really bad, which to a point, I appreciated, but, I recognized by my early 30s that the emotional support was not halting the depression I had.
And I was more interested in curing the depression than in having my Mom tell me yet again with a hug, “You poor thing you, I am so sorry you have depression!”
Unfortunately, none of the many psychiatrists (and a few psychologists) I saw along the way, nor the different anti-depressants they prescribed me, rid me of the depression.
Years of being a devout Christian did not remove the depression, either.
Bible reading, prayer, and faith in God did not heal me of depression.
Figured It Out, Left Depression Behind or Lowered It
So… years later, I once more began researching the issue again, as well as other topics, and I finally had several paradigm shifts and epiphanies, along with reading some books by psychiatrists and therapists, which helped either free me of depression, or put it at a much lower rate, to the point it’s not so damaging to my life now.
One would think that Donna Hazel and my ex-friend Emma would be happy for me that depression is not so much a problem for me now, but no! They insult me and put me down. That is some warped shit right there. That is not “compassionate.”
This “Donna Hazel” person is either skeptical I healed myself of depression, or she is very angry that I did not use whatever her preferred methods are.
My mother died years ago, and that was the most painful, traumatic life experience I’ve been through. That happened years prior to me meeting “Emma,” and I had no support system.
I had to get through the grieving process all alone. When you experience deeply painful things like that, it does make you stronger.
Nobody was there for me when my Mom died, and so that, (combined with other factors), makes me way less likely now to “coddle” someone who demonstrates little to no willingness to do any thing to change their situation they like to complain about, whatever it may be.
I’m not going to keep giving unconditional emotional support to depressed friends, friends in abusive marriages, friends who have stressful jobs, or whatever problems they have, if they indicate no intention of getting professional help, and/or making changes and/or trying to solve the problem they’re faced with.
Emotional Support Does Not Erase Problems
I’ve found that you can repeatedly give a depressed person, or a person in a stressful job, or an abusive marriage tons and tons of non-judgemental emotional support, but it does NOTHING to actually effectively fix that person’s issue. All it does is leave ME “worn out” and exhausted for having listened to them sob or gripe for hours over years.
Also… when I was on the receiving end of emotional support from my mother over my depression, as I said before, that emotional support did NOT make my depression go away. I wanted the depression to be gone, not to get another sympathetic pat on the hand from Mom for being depressed.
Jesus H. Christ, at this stage in my life, I want to GET RID OF problems not just have friends hug me over them for ten years.
I am NOT against emotional support – but – there is a time when a hurting person needs to accept that emotional support is not going to help them, that they either need to make peace with a situation they cannot change, or they need to try to change what they can and move on in life.
Donna Hazel’s Ignorance of My Years Long Friendship With Emma
This Donna Hazel person was not friends with Emma, but I was.
I am familiar with the dynamics of this several year friendship, I know how Emma thinks and behaves – but DH does not.
In my previous post entitled, “Clinical Depression Doesn’t Make People Incapable of Making Choices or Changes,” I discussed the issue of clinical depression at times in reference to my now ex friend whom I refer to as “Emma”
(which is not her real name. I have changed some details about “Emma” here and there to keep her anonymous).
Emma was the one who approached ME years ago to befriend me.
Please let that sink in. I am not the one who chased “Emma” down and repeatedly asked her to befriend me.
She is the one who approached ME, and she was fairly persistent about it.
“Emma” found my blog here, and this blog’s associated Twitter account. She began following me on Twitter.
Emma seemed okay at first, we were interested in some of the same subjects, so I followed her back on Twitter.
Emma began DM’ing me (i.e., sending me private messages on Twitter), and after I don’t recall how ever many months, Emma began asking me if she could know me even better.
She wanted more details about my personal life.
I was very hesitant to do this, since I’ve been stalked by several creepy men years past, men who knew my real name, etc, and I’ve had female friends I met online (some similar to Emma!) turn on me and burn me.
She acknowledged that and said yes, she could see how I’d be reluctant to give her more information about who I am.
But she went on every so often over the following months to keep asking to friend me on other social media sites, etc, etc, for me to share more about myself with her – so I eventually gave in.
Magnet for Negative, Damaged, Hurting, or Troubled People
I have a tendency to attract negative people (both the chronically angry and chronically depressed) both in real life and online, and this has been the case going back to my childhood.
Negative people love, love, love to befriend me!
One reason of which is because for many years, until recently, I was a codependent, boundary-less doormat who would allow the negative people of the world to talk to me for hours over years about their problems, and such people like to complain about the same problems repeatedly AND never lift a finger to solve the problems they complain about (this last point is especially annoying to me as I grow older).
It is absolutely tiresome to listen to such people, but I spent over 30 years doing so – all of which I also explained to my ex-friend “Emma.”
I was hinting at Emma NOT to expect a ton of emotional support and empathy from me, since I had pretty much run out YEARS AGO after a LIFE TIME of granting it to so many emotionally needy people.
I did, however, grant “Emma” emotional support for years, when she’d write to me about having mental or physical health problems.
And many negative people love nothing more than being able to complain to a compliant, quiet, non-judgmental audience (i.e.., myself), who just sits and listens, affirms and validates their views, and who reassuringly pats them on the hand to tell them supportive things like, “Why yes, you poor thing, you have life so terrible, you poor baby!”
I provided that emotionally supportive service for 30-35+ years of my life (that negative people really seek out, adore, and clamor for), until I realized a year or so ago that all the years I spent listening to the chronically depressed or angry actually did nothing to resolve whatever problems they continued to complain about.
I also cannot take anything this DH person takes seriously in that she never has
- acknowledged I struggled with depression for 30+ years, including thoughts of suicide;
- she did not demonstrate happiness for me that I managed to escape depression on my own;
- she has not acknowledged that my ex friend Emma condescendingly and insensitively denied my medical diagnosis on several occasions;
Emma kept insisting there was “no way” I ever had clinical depression, and she told me this at least 3 times over a 3 – 4 year period, despite the fact I told her each time I had been diagnosed by psychiatrists, it was not a self-diagnosis
Emma never did tell me if she was diagnosed with clinical depression by a medical professional or if that was a self-diagnosis. She would never reply to that.
So, for all I know, she doesn’t have a formal diagnosis of depression – that is something that didn’t really occur to me until our last argument. Prior to that, I never questioned her issues or cast doubt on them.
Emma not only may have depression (?) but she has a very cynical attitude and seems to have a very, very bad case of Victim Mentality.
In all my 30+ years of having depression (to the point I even had recurring thoughts of over dosing or hanging myself!) I was no where as near as cynical as she was, and I did not hold to such a severe Victim Mentality.
Emma needs badly to believe that she is a victim in life. She needs to believe that she cannot do any thing to change her outlook or circumstances, because then she’d have to take personal responsibility and all that will entail.
I knew this “Emma” person very well over several years – “Donna Hazel” never met her, and never knew her (unless Emma is friends with her and sent her here to harass me).
Emma displayed a very bad case of Victim Mentality (see links and resources farther below in this post for more about that).
If Emma has depression, it’s also paired with Victim Mentality and a lot of cynicism. She also seems to have the sort of personality of one who enjoys complaining.
I was the one who was friends with this Emma person for years, and I know her, and I know how she behaves and reacts – “Donna Hazel,” or whomever reading this blog – does not.
Donna Hazel brayed in one reply that no situation is “one sided.”
Yes, Donna Hazel, you cow, sometimes some things are one sided.
For example, domestic violence.
If you’ve spent even ten minutes researching domestic abuse or personality disorders (aren’t you claiming to have a psychology degree or some shit?) you should know that yes, sometimes relationships go south over one person’s actions or behaviors.
It doesn’t always take two to ruin a relationship.
It only takes ONE person with N.P.D., sociopathy, psychopathy, or an entitled mentality with abusive tendencies, to ruin and destroy a marriage.
Not two, but one.
Same dynamics in workplaces. I’ve had abusive bosses before… and it was all on them.
Bullies, especially ones with untreatable or un-curable personality disorders, cannot be reasoned with or asked to play nice with their targets.
Any qualified mental health professional out there instructs the reader, “if you think you’re dealing with a narcissist, or a sociopath – you can’t change them – the best option is to get away from that person.”
Marriage counseling does not work for abusive marriages. Professionals who are trained in domestic abuse will tell you that upfront, none of that “it takes two to tango” bullshit.
Now, when I wrote my previous post about my ex friend “Emma,” I was not even thinking in terms of “who is right or wrong or who is to blame.”
I am writing under a pen name here, and I am not using my ex-friend’s actual name.
I have no reason to skew the facts, nor to lie, or exaggerate.
Every thing I said in my previous post is true.
Let me proceed to tell you about Emma… because I was the one who was friends with her for years, not “Donna Hazel.”
Emma reminds me of another ex-friend of mine, which I posted about previously on this blog, whom I shall call “Martha” (not her real name).
Emma also reminds me of one of my Aunts, whom I shall call “Aunt Trudy” (not her real name).
Emma: Similar To Martha and Aunt Trudy!
The irony is, I even told Emma about these two people, so she knows about them, and yet she is similar in her behavior to theirs.
I told Emma about “Martha.”
Martha was a friend of mine who knew me online for over ten years. We also phoned one another once or twice.
Martha’s husband’s career would take him away for months at a time, and Martha would get lonely.
She would regularly e-mail me, or Facebook message me, etc, during those months to complain about how lonely and friendless she was.
For a year, Martha complained about being friendless, and for that year, I gave Martha warm and fuzzy validation. I simply told her, “You poor thing, I am so sorry you are lonely!”
By the 13th month mark, though, it occurred to me that all this emotional support I was giving Martha was only providing her temporary relief but not getting to the heart of her problem: she was lonely and wanted friends.
All the emotional support in the world from me to this Martha person was NOT helping her get friends.
So, at the 13th month point, I began giving Martha advice on how to meet more people.
Martha had a habit of spending most of her days sitting on her couch in the den, either on her cell phone or a lap top, goofing off on Facebook all day or complaining to me via e-mail about her life (sound familiar?)
I began coming up with suggestions on how “Martha” could make friends at her age (she was in her mid 40s at this time).
Every single suggestion I gave her over a period of about 3 or so weeks was shot down with lame excuse after lame excuse.
“Martha” always began each rejection of my suggestions to her with, “I can’t do that because…” or, “I don’t wanna do that because…”
I gave her my phone number at one stage and told her to call me if she was lonely and wanted to chat. “Martha” replied she would think about it, but she never called me.
About a day or two after that, she was on Facebook, whining in her profile that she didn’t have any friends to phone, and that if she died alone in her big house, nobody would find her dead body, because she had no friends, and nobody cared about her.
Again, this was right after I had sent Martha my phone number, which she never availed herself of.
She also made a separate post weeks later, after my latest batch of suggestions on how she could make friends, by going on to Facebook to whine, “When I tell people I am lonely, I just want their empathy, I don’t want advice.”
Well, I get that sentiment (we’ve all been there), but Jiminy Cricket, at this point, I had already spent a year giving her 100% empathy, no advice, but a year later, Martha was STILL complaining about being lonely – it was only at THAT point I started giving her the tips, all of which she shot down.
It was then that I realized that this “Martha” person only wanted to complain about being lonely and friendless. She didn’t actually want to take action to MAKE friends.
I mentioned all this to “Emma” in one phone call two or three years ago, and Emma laughed and said, ‘yeah, sounds like she just wanted to complain but not do anything to solve the problem.’
Yes, Emma said that.
Emma can recognize this behavior in OTHER PEOPLE, like my ex friend Martha, but she cannot see it in herself.
I suppose “Emma” operates in the Twilight Zone where every one else has power and control over their lives and are capable of making choices, but not her!
I also told Emma about my frustrating Aunt Trudy.
I don’t want to get into this a lot, but… Aunt Trudy, who must now be in her late 60s, I guess?, is this incredibly petty, easily offended Aunt I have.
This Aunt will misconstrue things you say to her, and Trudy will read insults into comments where none were intended.
Even though you offer her heart-felt apologies for the perceived slight, “Aunt Trudy” will still throw this “sin” in your face YEARS LATER.
You end up apologizing for the same exact faux paus (that wasn’t even a bad thing to start with) six, seven years later.
This Aunt will cut you off, refuse to accept phone calls, etc, when she gets angry with you. She just cuts people out of her life. She will not work things out.
If you even so much as gently push back on her misperceptions (“No, Aunt Trudy, I did not mean to insult you in the last phone call when I said blah blah blah,”) she blows up in a fury and will block you out of her life for months or years. You cannot correct her, not even politely.
That is EXACTLY how “Emma” behaved with me during our spat, which began around mid-October 2021.
You cannot even oh so gently challenge Emma’s distorted, hyper negative thinking, to get her to see there are things she can do, even small steps, to improve her situation. She automatically reads offense into things like that, and wants to instantly break off the friendship.
Just like my Aunt Trudy, who’ve I’ve even told “Emma” about, and Emma told me a time or two that she thinks I’m better off without Aunt Trudy.
Just like my ex friend Martha, and my Aunt Trudy, Emma likes to complain about a problem over a period of years, but I see no willingness by her to change any thing or to even try to solve the problem.
Also, like Aunt Trudy, if you even softly, oh- so- nicely confront “Emma” with suggestions, like, “Have you considered trying thus- and- so, perhaps that could help?,” she takes it the wrong way, misconstrues it, and chooses to interpret it as giving “pep talks,” giving platitudes, or as “victim blaming.”
For fuck’s sake, this woman spends most of her days watching Net Flix, complaining to people online about how awful life is, probably while wearing a night gown. And guess what?
Sitting around in PJ’s watching Net Flix and complaining to people on social media every day is not going to heal her of depression, nor is me granting “Emma” emotional support (which I did for years previously) going to heal her of depression, either.
No, “Emma” is going to behave like Aunt Trudy, get easily offended, misinterpret well meaning comments or acts, behave in a petty fashion, hold grudges, and just cut people out of her life, with no second chances, no grace, no forgiveness.
None of that is a healthy coping method or healthy relationship strategy.
Won’t Even Try
I saw warning signs of this a few years ago with “Emma.”
Back then, she was telling me her depression was at a low point.
I wrote back and told her I was sorry to hear that. I told her, when my depression was bad, I’d sometimes deal with it by baking, going on walks, or going on bike rides.
Rather than write me back and say, “Those sound like good ideas,” or “I’m happy you found relief in that,” or some such, she writes back and proceeds to shoot down every idea with some excuse, like, “Well, I cannot bake, because my hands hurt too bad to lift cookie trays out of an oven.”
She had a rationale for why should could not go on walks, bike rides, etc.
Now, I was not telling Emma that she had to go on bike rides or bake cookies necessarily; I was just telling her that was what I used to HELP ME.
My point was that she, Emma, could probably improve her depression if she’d step out of her normal routine, which only keeps depression at status quo: she sits around all day looking at television, Twitter and Facebook, when she needs to turn the screens off and be around non-depressed people, and get away from passive activities.
That was my point… whatever would work FOR HER in that regard, not necessarily go on bike rides because bike rides worked FOR ME.
Yet I could not escape noticing that she was very quick to start offering excuses to justify complacency.
Emma had no interest in getting better, or even trying anything.
Like my ex friend Martha, Emma seems to be one of those people who enjoys complaining about the same set of problems but not actually doing anything to fix the problems.
As I get older, that attitude towards life bothers me more and more – and no, I don’t want to grant endless emotional support to people who won’t even make an effort to address a problem but just want to complain to me over years about it.
I’ve done that with countless people prior to Emma already, and I am so very tired.
This Emma person found my blog and Twitter, and she sought me out. I did not seek her out.
She is the one who wanted to get to know me better, not the other way around.
Now that I look back at it, “Emma” didn’t really want a (normal) friendship per se, she was just looking to me (and probably others she’s met online) to validate her very negative outlook on life.
I tried to get her interested in neutral or happy subjects over the years, but she usually ignored those.
Emma usually only acted animated and interested when or if I complained to her about some problem I was having in my life, or if I sent her links to news articles about subjects that made her angry.
She would usually respond to negative content like that quickly.
Any time I tried sharing comments about or photos of happy things, like my gardening hobby, with “Emma,” she would ignore those items most of the time – not always, but quite often.
This Emma person is not interested in getting well. I never got that indication from her.
She didn’t want a normal, healthy friendship – I think the unspoken agreement that she assumed we had in place – was that if I validated her negativity, she’d validate mine. We wouldn’t hold each other accountable, which is what she was wanting.
I never agreed to those terms. I think she read this blog and just assumed several things about me, and it ticked her off when I didn’t hold up my unspoken part of that bargain.
I gave Emma empathy and emotional support for years. But none of that made a difference to her.
My only “crime” was very nicely, in a kind tone of voice, was to tell her a few weeks ago that I was sorry her depression was bad, I hope she felt better soon, and to ask her if she’d tried meeting face to face with non-depressed people more often and if she’d tried putting on “day wear” during the day rather than pajamas, if she was wearing pajamas during the day. That was what set her off.
This is a woman who does not want to receive constructive criticism, helpful suggestions, but just wants to think of herself as a victim, and she wants me and others to feel sorry for her and to think of her as a victim.
As I used to be a highly codependent person for over 30 years and fought my way out of codependency…
(which means, to dumb ass Donna Hazel, if she is reading this, it means I spent over 30 very long years allowing very negative, constantly complaining, negative, and soul sucking, energy draining people like Martha, Aunt Trudy, among many, many others, to use me to get their non-stop, draining emotional needs met, and I kept attracting mentally unbalanced, selfish, or depressed, easily offended people to me – such as Emma)…
and as I’ve found my way out of depression and still deal with anxiety – I live in spite of the anxiety, I don’t let the anxiety control my life (and I’m doing this alone, with no therapist or medications, so it’s not easy),
I do not have the patience, no, to keep giving emotional support to someone with chronic depression (someone who won’t even try to change any thing, but just wants to complain about being depressed), it’s exhausting, and it doesn’t help the depressed person.
Depressed people who are actually interested in being healed of depression either need to seek out medications, mental health professionals, or self-help content to deal with their depression, because their depression is NOT going to be cured by any one giving them emotional support for years, or sitting around in pajamas all day watching television.
Victim Mentality – Commentary / Resources
From what I saw over the years, the following describes Emma’s behavior:
(Link): What Is Victim Mentality
Those with a victim mentality hold three beliefs:
-Bad things have happened in the past and will continue to happen to you.
-Others are to blame for your misfortune.
-There is no point in trying to make a change because it will not work.
For people who hold a victim mentality, it seems like sinking into negativity is easier than trying to save yourself, and you may even force this mindset onto other people.
…In addition, when other people try to help you, you might retreat into self-pity and argue that nothing will work. In other words, you really just want to feel sorry for yourself rather than work toward any meaningful change.
While it’s okay to feel bad about what has happened to you and make sure to work through difficult emotions, everyone with a victim mindset needs to find an end to self-pity and work toward change and healing. Otherwise, your feelings of being a victim and being powerless will follow you for the rest of your life.
The truth is that life will never stop giving you challenges, and if you feel as though nothing you do makes any differences, then you’ll be climbing an uphill battle the rest of your life.
One main sign, Botnick [licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT)] suggests, is a lack of accountability.
This might involve:
-placing blame elsewhere
-not taking responsibility
-reacting to most life hurdles with “It’s not my fault”
Bad things really do happen, often to people who’ve done nothing to deserve them. It’s understandable that people who face one difficulty after another may start to believe the world is out to get them.
But many situations do involve varying degrees of personal responsibility.
Consider job loss, for example. It’s true some people lose their jobs without good cause. It’s also often the case that certain underlying factors play a part.
Someone who fails to consider those reasons may not learn or grow from the experience and could end up facing the same situation again.
Not seeking possible solutions
Not all negative situations are completely uncontrollable, even if they seem that way at first. Often, there’s at least some small action that could lead to improvement.
People who come from a place of victimization may show little interest in trying to make changes. They may reject offers of help, and it may seem like they’re only interested in feeling sorry for themselves.
Spending a little time wallowing in misery isn’t necessarily unhealthy. This can help with acknowledging and processing painful emotions.
But this period should have a definite end point. After that, it’s more helpful to begin working toward healing and change.
…Negative self-talk and self-sabotage
People living with a victim mentality may internalize the negative messages suggested by the challenges they face.
Feeling victimized can contribute to beliefs such as:
“Everything bad happens to me.”
“I can’t do anything about it, so why try?”
“I deserve the bad things that happen to me.”
“No one cares about me.”
Each new difficulty can reinforce these unhelpful ideas until they’re firmly entrenched in their inner monologue. Over time, negative self-talk can damage resilience, making it harder to bounce back from challenges and heal.
— end excerpts —
A lot of that definitely fits my ex friend “Emma.” I doubt that depression alone is her only mental obstacle.
And I don’t appreciate any one glossing over my 30+ year struggle with depression as though it’s nothing, writing off the years of hard work I had to endure to heal myself of depression, or declaring insensitively that I never possibly could’ve had clinical depression to start with – stating any of these views is not being “compassionate.”
This Donna Hazel person doesn’t know me, doesn’t know Emma, had no idea of the dynamics of my friendship with this person, and she can fuck off.
This person is still on this blog’s block list.
And if you have depression… yes, you are still responsible for your actions in life, and you are capable of change.
Emma was always telling me how she would get up and get herself a “cuppa.” (Emma is American but likes British slang).
Cuppa, as in, cup of coffee or cup of hot tea.
Well let me tell you something – somewhere out there is another clinically depressed person who would insist that “Emma” does not and cannot have depression, since she is able to get up and make herself a “cuppa.”
These other depressed people, if they use the same rationale that she and “Donna Hazel” do, would insist that because they are so depressed they are unable to get out of bed, that they have to have a spouse or family member make them and bring them their cup of coffee in the mornings, there is NO WAY Emma can have depression.
Nobody with depression can make a cup of hot tea or hot coffee for themselves, no! They are incapable of doing that. /Emma and Donna Hazel logic
I don’t reveal every last thing about myself on this blog.
I also don’t reveal every last thing about my ex friend “Emma” on this blog, or our friendship, but what I did reveal about our friendship was true and accurate.
You’ve been blocked on here since around last evening you insensitive cow, “Donna Hazel.”
Any comments you now try to leave are apparently being automatically sent to the blog’s “Trash” area.
I happened to glance at one earlier today, but hopefully, that won’t be repeated.
I have been through psychological hell and back, what with dealing with
- the death of my mother, who I was very close to, all alone (with no emotional support for that),
- I put up with suicidal ideation and depression for over 30 years (and anti-depressant medications and the Christian faith didn’t stop any of that),
- and I still deal with an anxiety disorder now, and I do that without a therapist, without emotional support, and without anti-anxiety medication.
So kindly fuck off, Donna Hazel.
I hope Emma’s life works out okay for her… but I’m afraid if she keeps on as she is, her mental health will not get better.
Emma wanted to befriend me, not the other way around – but once she did so, she sadly only seemed interested in bonding over negativity and complaining, which is not the basis for a normal or healthy friendship.
I see more of Emma, an ex-friend I wrote about on this blog in other blog posts, in this (a little over 12 minutes long):
(Link): Emma Responds – My Comments