Donna Hazel Cannot Quit This Blog
I see there’s a comment from blog visitor “Donna Hazel” in the blog’s “Trash” area recently (since I have her blocked).
I just know Donna Hazel is reading this post, because it has her name in the title! *hello, Donna Hazel*
(I’d like to be wrong about that, but I suspect it’s going to be true once I hit the “publish” button for this… and if I check the “trash” can page, I bet she will leave me another nasty gram, one replying to THIS post, telling me how fascinated I must be with her. 🙄 Projection, much?)
I mean, this Donna person found my blog – I did not seek HER out, never met her before – and one of my posts ticked her off, and she keeps returning to patronizingly lecture me.
(edit: And I did not notify this “Donna Hazel” person of my last post, which mentioned her in passing, and her name was not in the blog post’s title, which means, she is obviously coming back to this blog to visit it, and to read even posts that do not have her name in the heading.
Who is twisting your arm, Donna, to force you to visit this blog?)
At this point, this is no longer really about my ex friend, Emma. I’m not even sure this is really about me? This is about Donna Hazel and her peculiar hang ups.
Donna Hazel said:
Anyone would think you were after *more* attention from “DH”. Can’t let it go, can you?
…Astonishingly you complain *I* have no recognition or compassion for what you’ve gone through? You’ve mentioned it several times. You needed that from a stranger? Someone you espouse to despise? Me? That’s interesting…very much so.
— end quote —
I don’t need or want more attention from you, no, and you never showed me any “compassion” in the first place, nor am I seeking any from you. I blocked you.
You can feel free to go away any time now.
You can feel free to stop reading this blog, visiting the blog, or leaving comments on this blog (which get sent straight to the trash folder).
I just find it so peculiar that someone who seems to convey she is oozing with compassion for this other person (“Emma”) who she has never even met (but I knew for several years),
and who chides me for lacking empathy and compassion,
never- the- less just glosses over the 30+ years I had with depression, and also mocked me (or mocks anyone generally for) for finding a way out of depression via using some self-help material online.
That is mean-spirited; that is not a sign of “compassion.”
In other words, Donna is a huge hypocrite. That was my point.
(Donna Hazel doesn’t seem astute at understanding a point someone is trying to make, and likes to continually distort things to suit her own narrative. She’s really keen to portray me as a mustache-twirling villain.)
Donna keeps depicting this ex friend of mine as a victim.
I’ve known this friend, “Emma” (not her real name) for several years.
She, Emma, thinks of herself as a victim, which is only keeping her stuck in depression and in an outlook which won’t help her lessen or shake depression. (More on this below.)
I wish “Emma” the best, but I can see what her big problem is, and at the end of the day, it’s not her living conditions, depression, or any of that – it’s how she is choosing to view all these issues, due to being stuck in a Victim Mentality (even more on that topic way below).
“Emma,” like many friends I used to have, and a few family members (some with diagnosed depression, some not), like to complain about a problem but are unwilling to actually fix whatever problem they have.
(I used to dabble in that sort of behavior myself, off and on in years past. I think a lot of people do at times, and there can be a danger of falling into that behavior and staying in it.)
These types of people prefer to keep complaining about a problem for months or years (or it becomes an ingrained habit) and want and covet continual non-judgmental emotional support.
But complaining about a problem will not make it go away.
Only she [Emma, the ex friend] hasn’t targeted you in a public blog post
— end quote —
Wow, the fact that I made a BLOG POST about this situation really sticks up Donna’s craw. She cannot let this one go.
▶ First of all, one of the things I did not get into previously on this blog, and I don’t want to get into here and now too much, is how my recent conversations with “Emma” unfolded, and how she reacted.
She reacted poorly, was quick to anger, even after I kept sending her messages talking things over and trying to reason with her.
Emma was the one who suggested our friendship was over and that I should un-friend her or block her on social media, which I did three days later, after she saw my replies to her but would not answer.
There were other dynamics going on between this person and myself in private messages that I have not spelled out – things that any one reading this blog would be unaware of.
▶ Secondly, I use fake names for every one involved, I have concealed other identifying information, so me discussing any of this on a “public blog” is largely irrelevant.
This Donna woman is getting weirdly pissed off over two people, myself and this friend of mine, who she doesn’t even know.
Something is very triggering for this Donna person about me, my views, or what not. Very weird.
▶ Thirdly, I did not send “Emma,” this ex friend, a link to said blog post, or to any of these posts.
Emma is (or was) obviously either lurking at this blog and/or at my Twitter account, which is on her.
I did not e-mail “Emma,” message her, or Tweet her with links to any of this.
Whether to read posts on this blog or not, or to view my Twitter account or not, are “Emma’s” choices.
Up to this point, I am not forcing Emma to read my posts, my Tweets, nor am I notifying her and asking or telling her to read any thing here.
If she keeps reading here, that is up to her.
▶ Fourthly, as “Emma” knows, and as I’ve explained before on this blog for years now to other visitors who have dropped by to say I’m not warm and fuzzy enough, I sometimes use this blog to vent and rant on occasion.
I have used this blog to rant about other people who have miffed me off, such as, but not limited to the following:
Here’s a ranty blog post about my ex fiance I wrote a few years ago:
I can cite more such examples, but I think that’s sufficient.
As you can see, my blog post about “Emma” was not a unique situation.
I’ve also blogged about other friends of mine (and occasionally my ex fiance’, and my sibling) on this blog in years past who said or did things that ticked me off or hurt my feelings, or about people who have left me comments on this blog who rubbed me the wrong way.
Donna Hazel is not the least bit upset I blogged about any of those people, no… just this “Emma” person.
She is sure oddly selective at what she’s getting angry about.
This blog is, at times, like an open journal where I sometimes blog about things or people that upset me, anger me, etc… which is one of the things that attracted “Emma” to me in the first place!
I use this blog at times as a journal to work through issues and blow off steam, including friends or family who sometimes tick me off. This is nothing new.
This blog is a healthy outlet for me, so Donna Hazel can get bent for trying to shame me or lecture me over what and who I blog about.
Emma related to, enjoyed, and liked some of my “ranty” takes on various people or situations that I’ve blogged on here before.
From what I could ascertain after having known her for several years, Emma gravitates to, or seeks out, negative people to bond with.
Though I tried to tell “Emma,” recently, in private, that I think she misunderstood me based on this blog, because I am not chronically angry and ranty, and I don’t want to stay “stuck” in a ranty and angry place.
I’ve been trying to work through this issue (and other ones) the last few years, and doing so on my own.
I didn’t read the rest of “Donna Hazel’s” comment that she left recently.
I hit “delete” on it to remove it permanently from the blog.
Honestly, you stalker weirdo lady, (Donna Hazel), you don’t have to keep returning here to this blog.
This is a choice you are making, to keep returning to this blog and leaving me comments.
I don’t know you from a hole in the ground, Donna Hazel.
You’re some ticked off rando lady on the internet. You’ve never met me, you don’t know me.
This Donna Hazel person (and anyone else reading) does not have the full picture of what my relationship is / was like with this person (ex friend of mine) and what dealing with her was like over the years and here recently.
Donna Hazel has a skewed, incomplete picture going on and is lashing out at me based on that.
Donna is coming across like a wacko at this point, quite frankly, and she has some weird vendetta going on to prove something…
(I’m not sure what – that I’m a horrible person? That I’m wrong to challenge the view that my ex friend was a totally innocent angel who bears no responsibility for her behavior?
That I found some benefit in free, online CBT articles? I dunno…)
…and for a supposed mental health professional, that is very, very strange behavior.
Please beware – whether this “Donna Hazel” woman actually works as a therapist, or teaches about therapy at some university, she comes across as very incompetent, unstable, and she’s now stalking me on this blog.
Take any of her advice or comments on mental health topics, here or wherever she writes, with a huge, huge grain of salt.
I thought this long paper linked to below was quite pertinent.
I may later want to do a series of posts about the topic of Victim Syndrome (sometimes referred to by other names, such as “Victim Mentality”).
Via “Insead,” (this is in PDF format):
Do you know people who always behave like victims? People who blame others when bad things happen to them?
And do they blame their family, partner, people at work, or any number of things that they perceive to be victimizing them? … and if you have ever tried helping them, have you discovered that “rescuing” them from the trouble they are in can be an excruciating process?
Do you resent the way every bit of advice you offer is brushed aside or rejected, often contemptuously?
If any of these observations apply, you may be dealing with people who suffer from the victim syndrome (Fenichel, 1945; Zur, 1994).
These are people who always complain about the “bad things that happen” in their lives, due to circumstances beyond their control. Nothing feels right to them. Trouble follows them whereever they go.
This is not to suggest that they are making it up. On the contrary, there is always truth in their stories.
Bad things happen to all of us; that’s life. It’s not a rose garden. But there are many different ways of dealing with the difficulties that come our way.
Most of us, when faced with life’s obstacles, do something about them and get on with it.
But people with a victim mentality are incapable of doing so. Their negative outlook on life transforms every setback into a major drama.
…. Worse, people with a victim mentality are very difficult to handle. they have an extremely fatalistic outlook on life.
Because they believe they have no control over the way events unfold, they have a poor sense of responsibility. Every negative outcome in their life is attributed to people or circumstances beyond their control.
Every effort made to help them, or to present a solution to their predicament, is met by a huge arsenal of reasons why it will not work, some of them quite ingenious.
Their problems are apparently unique and therefore insoluble. They appear to always be trying to prove the helper wrong.
From page 18:
Can people stuck with a victim mentality break out of this self-destructive cycle? How can they be helped to transcend their mindset? Are there ways to stop them sabotaging themselves?
From Page 19:
…. However, what helps victims best is the development of a healthier self-concept. They need to become cognizant of their victimized self-image and exchange it for something more constructive.
This kind of transformation necessitates cognitive and emotional reorientation, new ways of thinking about themselves.
They must ditch their self-projection as a martyr, because an identity based on helplessness is no longer acceptable. They need to learn to feel good about themselves. However, building a new identity and attitudes will take time.
Victims also need to learn how to stop attracting people who cause them grief. They need to recognize how their passive-aggressive, manipulative behavior evokes hostile reactions in others.
They have to stop the kind of behavior that perpetuates victimization and find new ways of interacting that include space for their self-respect. They need to learn that relational experiences do not have to be exercises in victimization.
People dealing with individuals with a victim mindset should recognize that there is a difference between rescuing and helping.
With rescuing, there is no progress, and the victim remains stuck in a dependent state.
Rescuing perpetuates their tendency to hand over control and responsibility for their condition to others, even though outsourcing their life to others creates this sense of powerlessness in the first place.
… In all situations of change, including change for the better, adopting a different outlook on life is hard.
Many people prefer to remain victims because they find it difficult to work toward healing and living a proactive life.
If victimhood has been a major life theme, [it will not be] easy to put aside. It might feel comfortable to carry on blaming external or uncontrollable factors for things that go wrong.
This is an effective way of channeling their anger about their fate in life and absolves them from personal responsibility. But this just perpetuates the mindset that nothing can be done to control their lives.
From page 20:
To tackle this, people susceptible to the victim syndrome need to practice other forms of dialogue but this requires a solid dose of awareness about their predicament.
If they are unable to think differently about themselves, they will fall deeper and deeper in a downward spiral and unworthiness.
They must give up the benefits of using victimhood as an excuse for their conscious or unconscious blame game and take responsibility for their own actions.
They need to own their life, which means being honest about how they manipulate others, put themselves in the victim role, and use self-deprecating stories about their own ineptitude to evoke sympathy.
These people need to realize that they are no longer as helpless as they were as children.
… When people have a greater sense of empowerment, they begin to accept that they can be the masters of their own destiny.
With the self-esteem and confidence that empowerment brings comes the courage to face the vicissitudes of life head-on, and search for their own “cure.”
They will be able to move beyond the victim mentality and out of their funk of sadness and self-pity. There will no longer be any need for self-sabotage of blame.
— end excerpts —
The rest of that page (which is in PDF format) can be read (Link): here
This is a topic (i.e, Victim Syndrome) I may want to start blogging on separately (in other posts) going forward, and I may want to put these excerpts in another, stand alone post later.
(Link): Emma Responds – My Comments