Lundy Bancroft: How to Spot Red Flags When Dating
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by Gwen Farrell
….All of His Exes Are “Crazy”
…Maybe all of his exes really were “crazy,” but more often than not, this claim points to the fact that this guy doesn’t like taking any blame for any misdeeds or wrongdoing, and if he didn’t own up or take responsibility for his actions in his past relationships, chances are slim he’ll suddenly decide to do so with you.
…He’s Disrespectful to You
If he’s verbally disrespectful, careless with the way he talks to you and about you to others, get the heck out. Psychologist Lundy Bancroft says, “Disrespect is the soil in which abuse grows.
If a man puts you down or sneers at your opinions, if he is rude to you in front of other people, if he is cutting or sarcastic, he is communicating a lack of respect.
If these kinds of behaviors are a recurring problem, or if he defends them when you complain about how they affect you, control and abuse are likely to be in the offing.” Mutual respect is the basic foundation of any healthy relationship, and if you don’t have that foundation, abusive behaviors can take root and flourish.
….He’s Never at Fault
If he blames you for the small inconveniences – like not being able to find a parking spot, being late for a party, not having groceries, and so on – then he’ll probably blame you for the bigger stuff too, and he’ll ignore whatever role he played in the process.
It’s not uncommon for serious physical abusers to put their partners in the hospital with devastating injuries, and later claim that it was motivated by her attitude, her actions, her behavior, etc.
…He Gets Too Serious Too Quickly
For many women, locking down a guy who doesn’t shy away from the concept of commitment feels pretty great. But if he’s moving so fast that’s it’s concerning, he’s probably counting on locking you down, and that’s just the beginning.
With commitment, he’ll have more room and a better capacity to control you, in whatever way best appeals to him (for many abusers, this means taking control of the finances, persuading a partner to quit her job, and generally isolating her from friends and family, which are hallmarks of abuse).
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