Tracy Smith’s – @mythreesonsb – Public Squabbling Involves Misrepresenting Anyone Who Knows Julie Anne (of SSB Blog) Online
Okay, so Julie Anne, of SSB Blog publicly let people know she and her husband divorced months ago. She wrote a few blog posts about it, if I recall correctly.
I don’t remember all the ins and outs of it.
A few weeks ago, I saw a tweet by a guy debating about domestic violence in regards to emotional abuse, and some lady I never heard of before was saying some pretty unfounded, very ignorant comments about emotional / verbal abuse, so I left her two politely-worded tweets in response, where I explained to her what emotional abuse is.
(This lady I replied to at that time, Tracy Smith, seemed to be saying that some married women, or women in any abusive relationships, lie or exaggerate about the issue.)
I just found out that this Tracy Smith person blocked me on Twitter at some point in the last few weeks, even though I previously had no idea who she is, and I only sent her two civil tweets (and those tweets were sent before I knew she was in some kind of feud in Julie Anne, or even who she is).
I was verbally abused by family members growing up, so I’m educated on the topic – not just by way of first hand experience, but I’ve done a lot of reading about the topic the last few years.
I at first assumed that Tracy Smith was another Lori Alexander (“The Transformed Wife” blogger), one of those “wife and mommy bloggers,” who just sits around defending Christian patriarchy on social media.
I could tell from Tracy Smith’s comments that she is not well acquainted on the topic of verbal abuse, and I suggested that she can start by reading the book by Patricia Evans, (Link): The Verbally Abusive Relationship.
By the way – as I’ve done a lot more reading about Narcissism, I’ve learned that a lot of Covert Narcissists display the very behavior that is described in the book by Evans – that is, verbal abusers and Covert Narcissists typically wait until their target is alone (no eye witnesses present) before they let down their “nice guy mask” to verbally berate their prey.
To outsiders, the Covert Narcissist appears like a great person, very nice, friendly, etc, but in private, these people are abusive towards their target, whether that’s a spouse or family members.
(And the abuse is not always physical but can come in different forms.)
I had friends tell me in my late 30s that what I was dealing with from some of my family was abuse (i.e., constant name calling, criticism, and occasionally threats), but I didn’t recognize it as being abusive until I began reading books about abuse (including domestic violence) until I got into my mid-40s or there abouts.
If you’ve read my blog for any time, you know I was engaged in my early 30s, I broke up with my fiance’, and I am in my 50s now (never did get married).
Come to find out – after the fact – this lady whom I was trying to correct and educate on Twitter a few weeks ago is named Tracy Smith, and she is now married to Julie Anne’s ex husband.
I don’t know what all is going on with this Tracy Smith person or any of this.
But it looks like Tracy Smith stalks Julie Anne on social media and insults her but then claims that is what Julie Anne is doing. (In other words, Tracy is projecting.)
I don’t agree with Julie Anne on every topic under the sun, by the way. I’m a conservative, and she may be a bit more to the left than I am (not sure).
Regardless… I do think Julie Anne has done some beneficial, good work on her blog and her Twitter account.
The reason I am getting involved now is seeing this tweet by this Tracy Smith person – I take personal affront to it, because I assume I may be included in this (this is a tweet in a thread that Tracy is directing at Julie Anne):
Tracy Smith @mythreesonsb (tweet link):
I have one account. I also have very kind people who share your nonsense with me. You have your admirers among those who live in victimhood with you, however, many others do not view you in the same light. You, however, have to hide under a “male” account. 4/
— end tweet —
Right here is the portion I am focusing on, where T. Smith writes,
“You have your admirers among those who live in victimhood with you,”
— end comment —
No. Just no. I do not think of myself, nor classify myself as a victim.
I do not “live in victimhood.” Do not misrepresent me.
I lost my mother over a decade ago, endured that all alone (with no emotional support, couldn’t afford to see a therapist for it), fought and figured my way out of clinical depression (which I had for 35+ years) on my own, and I am getting on with my life.
Around October of 2021, as a matter of fact, I got into a dust-up with an online friend of mine, whom I call “Emma” on this blog (which is not her real name), because she has a host of issues, one of which is, she claims to have depression.
This Emma person got very cranky with me in private on social media a few weeks ago and basically told me to de-friend her online because she felt I was being too – I don’t know, harsh, pushy? – with her about these topics.
I wrote (Link): a blog post about this or two, but I feel that while she may have depression (and other problems), that “Emma” has sadly fallen into what appears to me to be a huge, deeply ingrained (Link): Victim Mentality – if she stays there, in that mentality, she won’t be able to take control of her life and find joy again. (This is true for anyone in that situation.)
I have zero desire to be like that.
I realize if a person sits around with a never-ending “I’m a victim, I cannot help myself at all” view, they are surrendering their ability to make choices, which is crucial to making changes – and therefore getting on with life and accomplishing goals.
Emma initially told me her depression was “worse than usual” and what started this spat is that (after years of me giving her nothing but emotional support), I switched from emotional support to also offering two, very “do-able” bits of advice that I had tried during my years of depression that I sincerely thought would help lessen her depression.
But this “Emma” person took my comments the wrong way, things escalated quickly, and she began accusing me of “blaming her for having depression” (which I did not do), of giving her “pep talks” and “platitudes” (again, no… I only shared a few links with her of things that have helped me deal with my anxiety that are also good for depression).
I did a blog post about that, which was prompted by my situation with “Emma,” where upon some flake I’ve never met before, who calls herself “Donna Hazel,” came on to this blog to scream at me that I’m an insensitive, victim- blaming dolt.
(I wrote two responses to that Donna Hazel person, (Link): here is one of them.)
There are some people in life who are indeed actual victims, and when they are just coming out of an abusive or toxic situation, it’s entirely appropriate for those in recovery to get total non-judgmental emotional support, and to feel and show anger or sadness.
In the immediate aftermath of calamity, those are normal and healthy reactions to trauma, abuse, and heartbreak.
But as I’ve been blogging about recently, some people tend to get “stuck” in that hurting, the reaction stage, anger or bitterness phase; they start to think of themselves as a victim.
I would not say it’s accurate, true, or fair for anyone (Tracy Smith or whomever) to classify myself or Julie Anne as being “victims” who think of ourselves as on-going victims who are stuck in victimhood.
I deeply resent this Tracy Smith person accusing me (indirectly, by way of knowing Julie Anne a bit – I’m not even close friends with Julie Anne, we’re sort of casual online acquaintances) of being in “victimhood.”
The opposite is true. In the past few weeks, ever since my falling out with my ex friend over subjects related to these I am discussing in this post, I’ve been doing a series of posts about these things!
Here’s a few examples where I’ve posted in the past month about the dangers of being stuck in “victimhood mentality,” how to over-come it if stuck in it, and a blog post or two about people who have overcome painful struggles in their lives, etc:
(Link): Being Bitter and Blaming Others Can Ruin Your Health by Elizabeth Cohen
Tracy also made this Tweet (link to Tweet):
Will you see this? Who knows. But just wanted to state publicly that you have caused your own marriage demise. My husband could not be any of what you have said and be the complete opposite with me. He is loving, Godly, caring, protective, an incredible man
— end tweet—
And, by the way, Tracy Smith – if what I’m piecing together by your and Julie Anne’s public comments is any indication, I seriously think that your new husband (Julie Anne’s ex) is more than likely a Covert Narcissist (also known as a “Vulnerable Narcissist.“)
In all seriousness, you, Tracy, should begin researching that topic so you can clearly see any red flags of this should or when they turn up in your marriage.
There’s a lot of free material about Covert Narcissism online by licensed psychologists.
Sometimes, these Covert types of Narcissists aren’t easy to spot right away – a woman will only deduce she is married to one after she starts seeing the patterns as the months or years go along.
Also, one huge tell-tale, typical sign of Narcissists, regardless of what sub-category they are in, is for them to have a new potential spouse lined up before they divorce their current spouse (or are divorced by).
Narcissists, (as many of the check lists by mental health professionals mention), usually re-marry very quickly after divorcing – they cannot bear to be alone.
That is your situation, is it not?
You married this guy not too long after he and Julie Anne were divorced, yes?
Another common trait of divorced and then remarried (or dating) Narcissists: they will portray their ex as being totally to blame, and they will not take on any responsibility for the divorce.
In other words, I suspect that your new squeeze is likely a Covert Narcissist (he seems to be checking off some of those boxes I keep seeing on sites about Narcissism), but you may not see it until months or years later.
Even odder to me is that apparently, this man’s grown daughters (or at least one), have verified to you about him what their mother has said, one of them has told you how he has treated her poorly, but you keep living in denial, downplaying his behavior.
I do believe that more than likely that you, Tracy, are his new supply.
Right now, you’re acting as his enabler and “flying monkey” by fighting as his proxy against his ex wife.
(Link): Not all Narcissists are Grandiose – the ‘Vulnerable’ Type can be Just as Dangerous
I am not close buddies with Julie Anne.
She and I just bump into each other every so often online. I have never met her in person or phoned her.
I deeply resent you, Tracy, depicting me as someone who is in “victimhood” when I’ve been fighting (by myself) to put my life together, especially after my mother died over a decade ago.
I’m not sitting around in self pity, feeling sorry for myself, just complaining all the time and hoping things will get better by magic.
I’ve been trying to put my life together and go forward to meet new goals – with zero emotional support from what family I do have left.
If I am correct, Tracy, and the guy you’re married to now is a Narcissist who is prone to, in private, chronic put downs, digs, with-holding, or treats you well so long as you agree with him and do his bidding and feed his ego, I actually feel sorry for you.
I don’t have any reason to believe Julie Anne is lying about her experiences with him (she has nothing to gain by doing so), and one thing I learned from my research about abusers is that they very seldom change (especially if they do have a personality disorder), meaning, what he did to Julie Anne he may end up doing to you as well.
I hope you are prepared for that.
Also, it’s my understanding that your current husband is into complementarianism or patriarchy, is that right?
Well, I have never identified as a feminist, I am a conservative, and was, until around 2014 or 2015 a life long Republican (I am now an Independent).
I am not (nor have I ever been) a leftist, a liberal, a Democrat, or a progressive.
I am, however, an ex-gender complementarian.
I stopped supporting Christian sexism (i.e., complementarianism) many years ago. I wrote a post about it here:
I rejected the unbiblical train-wreck that is “male headship” and “complementarianism” but I remain a conservative.
You may want to research material by those Christians who have realized how wrong and harmful complementarianism is.
I would ask that you, Tracy, cease referring to any and all who follow Julie Anne on social media, her blog, or who are on polite terms with her, under false rhetoric (eg., “who live in victimhood”).
And I have no idea why you blocked me on Twitter. When I replied to you about two weeks ago, I had no idea who you were, and my two replies to you were polite.
You’re going to learn in the months or years to come, I’m fairly sure (first hand and the hard way), that in abusive marriages, that there are not “two sides to blame.”
Related:
(Link): Clinical Depression Doesn’t Make People Incapable of Making Choices or Changes
(Link): Choosing Sadness: The Irony of Depression – article from APS – by Wray Herbert
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