What Should Christian Singles Know about Online Dating? by S. Bricker

What Should Christian Singles Know about Online Dating? by S. Bricker

As far as Christian dating advice goes, this (article below) isn’t all bad, but it’s pretty pedestrian stuff. If you’re an adult who’s been on the internet for a few years, there’s nothing ground-breaking here.

You really should already know all of the information it contains.

I have more to say about parts of this dating advice article further below:

(Link): What Should Christian Singles Know about Online Dating? by S. Bricker

Excerpts:

According to Pew Research, 12% of married couples in America found their spouse through online dating. While this percentage is not large, online dating has grown in recent years.

People can now easily browse and find compatible relationship matches with only a few clicks or swipes.

Many single Christians find the prospect of online dating appealing as a quick and effective way of finding potential marriage partners, especially when other avenues of finding a compatible match have been exhausted.

Despite the effortless quality of online dating websites and apps, Christian singles need to know that there is more to online dating than what people commonly assume.

Risks are involved when participating in online dating since there is the danger of being tricked or harassed online and a person’s dating profile can be misleading.

1. Online Dating Can Be Dangerous
While this point may seem obvious, Christian singles need to consider this when participating in online dating. First, there is the threat of deception. Single believers, like any person, can fall victim to scammers or imposters masquerading online.

2. Profiles Do Not Always Present the Real Person
…Gradually getting to know the other person is essential in building a relationship and discerning if the person would be a viable choice for a spouse. Although browsing among multiple people may be appealing, believers should take time to learn about the person they want to date and possibly marry.

3. Online Dating Often Emphasizes Physical Appearance
Online dating also includes the entrapment of merely looking at the physical traits of a person.

Based on Scripture, outward appearance is not always the best gauge to decide if a person is a desirable choice for a spouse or not (Proverbs 31:30; 1 Peter 3:3).

A person can be beautiful and attractive on the outside, but spiritually void and ugly on the inside.
— end —

Where the author sort of starts to lose me is this section (which I will only include in part, not in full):

4. Christian Maturity and Spiritual Growth Is Needed
Because of the risks involved and the need for wisdom, traditional and online dating requires Christian maturity. Simply participating in online dating for fun or because someone is desperate to get married are not legitimate reasons for dating.
— end —

Again, that section goes on longer than that.

It contains a lot of spiritual sounding gobbledygook.

I’m sorry, but in my 30+ years as having been a very devout Christian (who doesn’t know how I’d classify my current religious beliefs), the things that section of that “dating advice” page prescribes didn’t help me or work for me… I remain never-married into my 50s.

During my 20s and into my 30s, I put God and his kingdom first, I sought to “glorify God”  in my interactions with others, I prayed and asked God to send a spouse my way, or to push me into an area where I could bump into a compatible mate, etc, etc, all the things this piece mentions, and yet, none of that worked for me.

There is a point toward the end of that section where the author basically re-words the moldy oldy chestnut that if you want a boyfriend or a spouse to work on yourself, and to be the best version of yourself that you can be (and then, it is implied, you can or will attract a quality person).

Well, okay… but I did that, too, and it didn’t bring a spouse into my life, either.

That section also promotes the hideous “equally yoked” view, which is highly problematic for Christian single women, since they vastly out-number single Christian men.

The article sums up with this:

Finally, in using dating websites, Christians should always keep Christ first, seek to glorify Him in their interactions with others, and stay focused on building His Kingdom.
— end —

Yeah. Well. You can put and keep Christ first, glorify Christ and all that… and still be single into your middle age.

If you’re a single Christian woman who is serious about getting married, you’ll have to ditch “equally yoked,” consider marrying a non-Christian guy (judge the guy based on his character and how he treats you, not his religious profession), and you’ll need to get pragmatic, get down to work – don’t rely on prayer or faith to bring a spouse to you.

You’ll have to use dating sites, ask friends to fix you up with guys, and you’ll have to consider going to night clubs and bars, if you’re comfortable with that.

You can have a great personality, believe in Jesus, pray, put Christ first, and the rest this author of that piece suggested, but you can still end up single – so you will have to get a spouse by your own efforts.

If You’re A Single, Christian Woman Who Ends Up Marrying an Abusive Christian Man – (Prepare Now for This Future Possibility)

I’ve not yet seen a “Christian dating tips” article mention what I am about to discuss.

If you do end up getting married – especially if it’s to a Christian gender complementarian man – and that man turns out to be abusive, you will have to make up your mind, while you are still single and not yet married, that you can divorce the guy.

Because once you actually marry an abusive Christian man, many Protestant and Baptist churches will NOT support your choice to divorce.

Most preachers and churches will encourage you to stay in the abusive marriage no matter what.

So, I think it would pay off before-hand, before you marry, for you to think this over now, while you are still single.

If you marry, and your spouse turns out to be abusive, what will you do?

You cannot count on most churches, Sunday School classmates, or preachers to support you if you want to divorce from your abuser.

Do NOT count on 99% of Christians you know in real life to give you practical (i.e., financial or a place to stay) or emotional support.

You also need to realize before you get married that abuse can consist of sexual abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse, emotional (which can also include with-drawing and stone-walling and other, similar things like that, where your spouse routinely with-holds validation, affirmation, affection, etc. – an abuser won’t always punch, slap, or kick you, but may never give you affection, encouragement, praise, etc) – abuse does not consist of physical acts only, it can come in other forms.

Most churches will not recognize any form of abuse except for physical abuse.

If you’re a never-married, Christian woman reading this, and you want to marry (especially get married to a Christian man), you seriously need to brush up and think about what you want to do should you marry and your Christian husband is abusive in some way.

You may want to start reading up on domestic violence (you can learn what to do if you find yourself in that situation, some material about domestic violence also mention warning signs and red flags to look for in dating to hopefully avoid abusers, etc),
and I’d also recommend studying up on personality disorders (especially narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder, psychopathy, sociopathy), so you can spot those, because you do not want to marry or stay married to someone with those issues – more often than not, people with those disorders will abuse you in some fashion.

You might want to have your own, separate bank account (don’t let your spouse have access to it) prior to being married, so that you can have a financial nest egg to rely on if you need to leave your spouse and get your own place.

If you’re a single, Christian woman – especially if you’re under the age of 40 – and you hope to marry one day, you need to make plans on what you will do if the Christian guy you marry ends up being abusive.

Don’t put that planning and research on hold, then go and get married, find out the guy is abusive, and find yourself trapped, with no money, and attending a church that will shame and guilt trip you into staying when you really want to divorce and be done with the guy.


Related:

(Link):  Tips For Defensive Dating, Including Warning Signs that You Could Be The Target Of An Online Romance Scam – From the WSJ

(Link): Consider The Source: Christians Who Give Singles Dating Advice Also Regularly Coach Wives to Stay in Abusive Marriages

(Link):  Lundy Bancroft on Narcissists vs Abusers for The Audacious Life podcast

(Link):  Christians Advise Singles To Follow Certain Dating Advice But Then Shame, Criticize, or Punish Singles When That Advice Does Not Work

(Link): FTC Warns of Increase in Romance Scams, Especially Targeting Older Adults 

(Link): How the ‘Solo’ Movement is Rewriting Misconceptions of ‘Sad, Lonely’ Single Life

(Link): For Richer Or Poorer? Romance Scams Are Leaving More Online Daters Broke by Sasha Ann Simmons

(Link): Unmarried and Childless Women Are the Happiest, Happiness Expert Claims

(Link): DOJ: Online Dating Scam ‘One Of The Largest Of Its Kind’

(Link): Stop Telling Your Single Friends to Try Dating Sites – Please.

(Link): Police Urge Caution When Using Websites – Murderers and Rapists on Dating Sites

(Link): Authors at The Federalist Keep Bashing Singleness in the Service of Promoting Marriage – Which Is Not Okay

(Link): Nine Questions To Ask On A First Date, According To Divorce Lawyers by B. Wong

(Link): Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage by Andrew J. Bauman and Taylor May

(Link):  Decent Secular Relationship Advice: How to Pick Your Life Partner

(Link): Following the Usual Advice Won’t Get You Dates or Married – Even Celebrities Have A Hard Time

(Link): What Christians Really Think About the Church’s Relationship Advice by Anna Broadway

(Link):  ‘She Was A Sex Slave’: Wife of Preacher Reveals Horrific Torture At Hands Of Her Husband by L. Little

(Link): Church Forced Out Woman Who Complained Pastor Regularly Sexually Harassed Her

(Link):  Depressing Testimony: “I Was A Stripper but Jesus Sent Me A Great Christian Husband”

(Link): A Critique of – 10 Men Christian Women Should Never Marry by J. Lee Grady / And on Christians Marrying Non Christians -and- Unrealistic, Too Rigid Spouse Selection Lists by Christians

(Link): Want To But Can’t – The One Christian Demographic Being Continually Ignored by Christians Re: Marriage

(Link): How Christian Teachings on Marriage/ Singleness/ Gender Roles/ Dating Are Keeping Christian Singles Single

(Link): Gender Complementarian Advice to Single Women Who Desire Marriage Will Keep Them Single Forever / Re: Choosing A Spiritual Leader

(Link): Does God Require Singles to Be Perfect Before He Will Send Them a Spouse

(Link): Typical Incorrect Conservative Christian Assumption: If you want marriage bad enough, Mr. Right will magically appear

(Link):  The Death of Romance (How Christians Have Made Romantic Relationships and Marriage Into Idols) from CT

(Link): Singlism: How Serious Is It, Really? by B. DePaulo

(Link): Really, It’s Okay To Be Single – In order to protect marriage, we should be careful not to denigrate singleness – by Peter Chin

(Link): Four in 10 Adults Between the Ages of 25 and 54 are Single, Up From 29% in 1990

(Link): What You Lose When You Gain a Spouse – What if marriage is not the social good that so many believe and want it to be? by M. Catron

(Link):  What If Marriage Is Overrated? – A social psychologist has been chipping away at many claims about marriage changing one’s life for the better

(Link): What is a Platonic Life Partnership? These Couples are Breaking Societal Relationship Norms

(Link): Ever Notice That Christians Don’t Care About or Value Singleness, Unless Jesus Christ’s Singleness and Celibacy is Doubted or Called Into Question by Scholars?

(Link): Dear Prudence: Help! I’m Glad My Awful Husband Is Dead.

(Link): Do You Feel Shame About Being Single? By John Amodeo, PhD

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