There Are Five Types of Toxic Partners – Are You Dating One? by Ellen Scott
Word of wisdom: although the following web page discusses dating, you need to be aware that these same exact dynamics can and do turn up in platonic friendships, co-workers at your job, or among your family members.
Take what you read below about dating and apply it to non-dating relationships as well.
April 9, 2022
…But we all know that crushing hard can make you not notice glaring red flags, let alone the more subtle signs that something isn’t quite right.
The early warning signs that a relationship could become unhealthy can be even harder to spot.
Cathy Press has been working as working as a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor for over 25 years, specialising in domestic and sexual violence and abuse related issues, so she knows her stuff when it comes to love turning sour.
Her new book, When Love Bites: A Young Person’s Guide To Escaping Harmful, Toxic and Hurtful Relationships, aims to equip people with the knowledge they need to avoid abusive partners, and the tools they need to escape the pattern.
A key part of this is understanding the five toxic types of partner – and then avoiding those at all costs.
What all these types have in common is that they’re the controller – they use one or several behaviours at the same time to coerce you into doing what they want you to do.
Let’s break down the five types.
[I will not be pasting in all five categories on this blog.]
The Charmer [sounds like a Grandiose or Overt Narcissist]
‘The Charmer is like a wolf in sheep’s clothing,’ Cathy tells Metro.co.uk. ‘At the start of a relationship the Charmer will convince you that they think you are wonderful and that they are really into you, when they are actually luring you into a false sense of security.
‘The Charmer will then re-emerge at those times when you question the way they behave and/or when you want to end your relationship with them.’
When someone’s engaging in The Charmer type, they’ll…
- Bribe you with gifts
- Make showy displays of affection
- Lie to you
- Promise not to do hurtful things again
‘The Charmer makes their first impression on you by flirting, telling you the kinds of things you want to hear,’ Cathy continues. ‘As part of their charm offensive they may say that you are just what they’re looking for, that you are special, that they’ve never met anyone like you before.
‘They might make promises about how they will treat you [a type of “future faking”]; for example, they might say they would never behave badly towards you or hurt you.
‘When you’re offered a promise at this early stage of getting to know someone who is so charming it can seem believable and therefore it’s easy to be taken in by them.’
Ever heard of lovebombing? That’s The Charmer’s MO [it’s a hallmark of narcissism, especially overt or grandiose narcissism]. They’ll seduce you with all manner of gifts and affection, all to use as leverage to later control you.
Cathy explains: ‘The Keeper’s sole aim is to isolate you from your friends and family, making you dependent on them.
‘Once isolated and on your own, you become easier for them to control. They want you to be with them all the time and will stop at nothing to achieve this.’
- Telling you what to wear
- Stopping you seeing friends
- Constantly texting you
- Digital stalking
- Asking for your social media passwords or to see your conversations
- Following you everywhere
- Always needing to know where you are and what you’re doing
- Convincing you your friends aren’t nice people and that you should cut them off
- Encouraging you to skip work/school/social events to be with them
‘The Keeper will ensure they become your main focus,’ Cathy says. ‘The easiest way for your partner to get your attention is to tell you they love you so much they can’t be without you.
‘Everyone wants to hear they are loved and special, and you are more likely to accommodate the partner who tells you this. They might say they will be miserable without you.
‘The Keeper might tell you they had trust issues with a previous partner and will insist on going everywhere with you, therefore you can’t do anything alone or with family or friends.
…What to do if you’re dating one of these types
Spot the signs, take them seriously, and get out of there.