I Appear Successful, But Since Having Kids I Feel I’ve Lost Myself by Annalisa Barbieri (Letter from a Married Mother Who Has Depression, Low Self Esteem)
Before I get to the link and the letter, I wanted to say…
The article below – via The Guardian – doesn’t make it clear, but the following appears to be an e-mail or a letter from a married mother who has low self esteem, and she’s writing to this paper for advice, guidance, and help.
I’m sorry this lady is not doing well, but I want you to take away from this that being married and being a mother (having children) will not necessarily make you happy, or bring you joy, inner peace, or a healthy sense of identity.
I’m afraid that a lot of conservatives – especially Christians – keep promoting these false notions to women, from the time we are girls, that if we just marry (and/or have children), that being married and a parent will bring us permanent happiness and purpose in life, but clearly, that is not the case.
I am not “anti family” nor “anti motherhood,” but I figured out a long time ago that being a parent or married may not bring you fulfillment in life, and it is that expectation that a lot of “pro family,” “pro motherhood” type of conservatives continue to hold up – it is misleading, false hope and propaganda.
I’ve got other examples on my blog of women who married (or who are mothers), and yet, being married (or being a mother) didn’t bring them happiness, but they were still left feeling overlooked, depressed, or lonely – in some cases, because the man they married doesn’t meet their emotional needs regularly, but spends all his day wrapped up in his hobbies or watching television.
I have blog posts of women who admit that they regret motherhood!
I think if you’re someone who had hoped or expected to marry (or have children) it can be painful or very disappointing if that did not happen for you, but if you can accept it,
and permit yourself to go through a grieving process and determine to move on in life and determine to enjoy life anyway (in spite of life not turning out how you had hoped), that you can ultimately find joy, happiness, fun, and peace without a spouse and without children.
You can find other avenues of joy, meaning, and happiness in life that don’t involve being married or having children. I made that transition myself years ago, though it took me several years of grappling with unhappiness to get there, but it can be done.
But again, notice, that although the woman letter writer here married and had children, that she is STILL depressed, feels like a failure, feels like a “loser,” and thinks she is not enough.
Being a wife and a mother – contrary to what a lot of excessively pro-family, pro-natalism Christian conservatives bang on about – did not fill that empty void she has, nor increase her self image to a healthy level.
(Link): I appear successful, but since having kids I feel I’ve lost myself
Excerpts:
Squashing your anger down is exhausting. Try using your free time to do what makes you feel good, and see what shifts
May 20, 2022
by Annalisa Barbieri
[This appears to be a question from a writer to an advice columnist named Annalisa Barbieri? – the article doesn’t make it clear]:
[Dear Advice Columnist,]
I have struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens and have had therapy and medication on and off since I was 17 (I am now 37). I’m aware of deep-rooted low self-esteem and shame.
I feel worthless. I never want to draw attention to myself and have a paralysing fear of confrontation.
I have managed to maintain a few close friendships, have worked in the past, and am married with two kids. So I appear “successful” on the surface.
Things really spiralled when I had my kids, specifically my youngest, two years ago. My anxiety went off the charts and my thoughts went very dark. Covid likely had an impact, too. My world has become small.
I have moved countries three times in recent years, a result of my husband’s job (I’ve been a willing participant). I decided not to work when we moved again and instead focus on retraining. But I found the process gruelling and the work placement stressful and overwhelming.
I love my kids but feel the life has been sucked out of me. With my first child I was doing further studies, which was difficult, but it felt as if I had an outside purpose.
I believe my anxiety is rooted in fear of judgment, that people will think me a fraud, and not a real mother: I don’t really cook, am not crafty, and am just generally a bit of an all-round loser. My eldest is four and has always been quite happy-go-lucky, but my fear is my kids will inherit my anxiety.
Both start in daycare/school shortly and I will get some much-needed free time. But I just don’t know how to live any more. I have completely lost myself. I do have a professional therapist who is excellent, but I’d like a different perspective.
— end of advice seeking letter —
[Response to the letter]:
…I contacted Jo Stubley, a consultant psychiatrist in psychotherapy. Stubley explained that many of us learn over time that how we might feel about ourselves may not be how everyone else views us. “You seem to think everyone else thinks you’re rubbish [because you do], but they have a different perspective to you.”
Your inner critic is so strong that you have set a narrative for yourself that’s incredibly powerful. I wonder where this comes from? Whose voice is in your head telling you you’re not enough? Honestly, your children don’t care if you’re not crafty or can’t really cook; they care that you love them and that you’re there.
Stubley and I wondered who knows how you really feel? When we feel we are an impostor, we present a “false self” to the world, a version we think is more palatable.
And it works for a while but it’s not sustainable, and it actually keeps people at bay, and stops them helping you. Do you present this side to your therapist? It’s really important that you are honest with him/her, maybe even show them the letter you wrote to me?
Use the time you have coming up to do what makes you feel good sometimes.
It doesn’t have to be complicated, or a big thing. Asking yourself, “What do I need right now?” when you feel overwhelmed is a really useful exercise: it’s honestly saved my sanity these past few years. …
— end advice column / article —
I’m sure there are times when being a wife or a mother has its wonderful, happy moments, but is being a wife (or a mother) a guarantee you will have more good days than bad? No.
Is being a wife or a mother a guarantee you won’t develop depression or feelings of doubt? No.
If you’re a never-married woman who feels down about never having been married, I think it can help to bear in mind that marriage does not end up being some kind of source of happiness and contentment for many people who do marry – as you can see, yet again, in this example by this married mother who wrote to that paper for guidance.
I’ve got other examples similar to that one on my blog, examples of women who admit on other sites or to advice columnists that marriage made them miserable (not happy), that they regret having had children, or that their husbands are lousy, cheating, or abusive jerks.
Related:
(Link): I’m 37, I Might Be Single For Ever — and I’m Happy With That by Aimée Lutkin
(Link): Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will
(Link): 30 Mothers Who Regret Giving Birth Share Why
(Link): Unmarried and Childless Women Are the Happiest, Happiness Expert Claims
(Link): Movie Actress Halle Berry is ‘Anti-Fairytales’ after Three Failed Marriages
(Link): Are You Stuck in the “I’ll Feel Better When” Cycle? by Diana Hill, phD
(Link): Victim Syndrome (‘Are You A Victim of the Victim Syndrome’) – by Insead
(Link): Life Lessons After Recovering from Codependency – I Can’t Save You, and I No Longer Want To
(Link): Sorry, but being a mother is not the most important job in the world by Catherine Deveny
(Link): “I Regret Having Children” – Various Mothers Interviewed (via NY Post)
(Link): Parents Who Regret Having Children Speak Honestly About Why It Was A Huge Mistake
(Link): Motherhood Is Not A Woman’s Most Important Job by J. Wright
(Link): Is The Church Failing Childless Women? by Diane Paddison
(Link): Dear Prudence: Help! I’m Glad My Awful Husband Is Dead.
(Link): Woman Wildly Happy She Got Divorced (Dear Abby Column)
(Link): I Want to Divorce My Unbelievably Selfish Husband, Advice by S. L. Brown
(Link): Asking Too Much Of Marriage – Married People are Lonely
(Link): The Fragile Male Ego That Can’t Function Without Constant Sexual Validation by S. Ashley
(Link): Go to Counseling to Deal With that Man-Child You Married (Hax Column)
(Link): Craigslist confessional: I’m in my 40s, never married, and a virgin—but I’m happy by Abigail
(Link): Myths About Never Married Adults Over Age 40
(Link): How the ‘Solo’ Movement is Rewriting Misconceptions of ‘Sad, Lonely’ Single Life
(Link): I Married Young. I Was Widowed Young. I Never Want A Long-Term Partner Again by R. Woolf
(Link): Adult Singles Do Not Need A Marital Partner to Be Whole or Complete
(Link): Single Adult Christian Pressured Into Marriage by Her Church – And Regrets It
(Link): Getting Married Is Not an Accomplishment by N. Brooke
(Link): Do You Need a Partner to Have a Happy Life? by D. LaBier
(Link): I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me? By Glynnis MacNicol
(Link): This New Year’s Eve, Celebrate the Women Who Choose to Stay Single by Amy Polacko
(Link): Eugene, the 56 Year Old Man, Tells Christian Show Host He’s Tired of Being Single
(Link): Dear Prudence: Help! I’m Glad My Awful Husband Is Dead.
(Link): Unmarried and Childless Women Are the Happiest, Happiness Expert Claims
(Link): Why Being Single Sucks: What No One Wants to Talk About, by B. Smith
(Link): What is a Platonic Life Partnership? These Couples are Breaking Societal Relationship Norms
(Link): Four in 10 Adults Between the Ages of 25 and 54 are Single, Up From 29% in 1990
(Link): Can We Stop Saying Singleness is God’s Will? by Anonymous via Sheila Wray Gregoire
(Link): Do You Need a Partner to Have a Happy Life? by D. LaBier
(Link): Pat Robertson’s Incredibly Insensitive Advice to Gail the Unmarried Woman
(Link): Do You Feel Shame About Being Single? By John Amodeo, PhD
(Link): Married to the Job: How a Long-Hours Working Culture Keeps People Single and Lonely by S. Jaffee
(Link): Fewer Americans Think Marriage is Needed To Create Strong Families, New Poll Suggest
(Link): Woman Wildly Happy She Got Divorced (Dear Abby Column)
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