33 Stories From Couples That Have Little To No Sex That Are So Important To Hear, Because Sex Is Not The Be All, End All Of Relationships
(Link): 33 Stories From Couples That Have Little To No Sex That Are So Important To Hear, Because Sex Is Not The Be All, End All Of Relationships
May 14, 2022
“Some people just aren’t driven by a need for sex.”
by Hannah MarderBuzzFeed Staff
It might seem like *everyone* is having sex these days, and there is constant messaging in our society and pop culture that sex is necessary to make a romantic relationship work. But…that’s not always the case.
Sex positivity is great, but it’s also important to remember that such a societal prioritization and glamorization of sex — especially penetrative sex — can feel really alienating to people who are on the asexuality spectrum, can’t have certain types of sex (or sex at all) due to medical reasons, or are dealing with trauma.
Because the truth is, sex is great! But it’s not necessary for a relationship — as we can see from the stories here. In case you’re wondering how that works, take a look at these 33 stories from couples who have little to no sex.
Responses were aggregated from this Reddit thread that asked, “Couples in loving relationships who rarely have sex, how do you make it work?” and comments from the BuzzFeed Community!
WARNING: This post contains sexual content and mentions of sexual assault.
1. “I have vaginismus, and my husband and I have been married for two years. We haven’t had penetrative sex, but I take care of him, and I use toys. Eventually, I would like to have penetrative sex, but there’s no rush for us. :)”
2. “A combination of repressed Catholic guilt, childhood trauma, and sexual abuse, and low libidos mean that sex happens somewhat infrequently (but I’m not even sure what the baseline standard is, who’s to say really?), BUT when it does, it’s sweet and enjoyable for both of us. Some people just aren’t driven by a need for sex. We’ve been together for 13 years, married for six.”
3. “I’m sex-repulsed
(trauma), and he’s sex-indifferent, so we just masturbate for stress relief on occasion and don’t involve each other. Bedroom door closed = ‘I’m having alone time, be back soon.'”
…8. “My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We rarely have sex (mostly due to my low libido — thanks PCOS). But honestly, we’re happy. We would rather cuddle and fall asleep than force ourselves to get in the mood.”
9. “I’m the beginning of our relationship, my husband and I were having sex all the time. 10 years later, things change. Thank goodness my husband is the understanding type. If I’m not in the mood, my husband is satisfied with a good, vigorous back scratch, which I am more than happy to oblige. I am now 18 weeks pregnant, and the belly is getting in the way. Hugs and cuddles make up for the sex we aren’t getting.”
…13. “When my wife and I first got together, we went at it pretty regularly. Then, over time, it became less regular. Now it’s been years since we last had sex. And you know what?
Our relationship is just as strong, if not stronger. We’ve had conversations about it, and we both realized that sex just isn’t worth it.
We’re in love, we’re dedicated to each other, and she’s the only person I want to be with.
We’re having our 10-year anniversary next year. She’s got her toys, I jerk off in the shower, and that works out just fine for us. You don’t need sex to have a healthy, loving relationship.”
…20. “I had a high libido at the start of our relationship, but she didn’t. After a couple of months, we had a serious, respectful talk about it. The reason my girlfriend (now wife) almost has no sex drive is that she got abused by her uncle for three years when she was younger.
“After I learned about that fact, my sex drive changed. We have been together for eight years now and married for five, and we have two wonderful kids. When I am in the mood, I always ask her if she is in the mood. Whatever the answer is, I respect both of them. There has been a year where we only had sex four times, and another year more, etc., but it doesn’t bother me at all. I love her with or without the sex.”
…28. “He’s recovering from being in a religious cult that hammered into his brain that sex was wrong/only to be used for conception.
“He was also molested by an elder in the cult. About once a month, he makes sure I get some ‘fun time,’ and if he’s up for it, he does, too. He doesn’t care that I have toys. I love him too much to let that be the downfall of our relationship, as there are basically no problems outside of this area. I absolutely believe that he is my soulmate, and will wait as he works out his problems, as it has been getting better.”
(Link): Women Reveal What It Feels Like To Be In A Sexless Marriage by K. Borresen
(Link): So Long, Compulsory Sex! See Ya, Viagra! Asexuality is Here
(Link): Men, Sex, and Relationships: A Therapist Shares Surprising Truths About Desire
(Link): Married Christian Man Says He’s Been in Sexless Marriage for Nineteen Years and Is Not Happy About It
(Link): Heartbroken Woman Reveals Pain of a Sexless Marriage as Husband Hasn’t Slept with Her in SEVEN Years
(Link): Interview with the Authors of The Great Sex Rescue (book discusses erroneous, sexist Christian views about women and how this hinders sex – among other issues)
(Link): Women Are More Interested In Sex Than You Think, (2016) Studies Show – Men underestimate their wife’s or girlfriend’s sexual desire; read the signals
(Link): When Women Wanted Sex Much More Than Men – and how the stereotype flipped
(Link): ‘My Wife and I Had Great Sex For 45 Years, But Now I’d Like to Sleep With Men’ – So Hetero Marriage is Responsible For Creating More Homosexuality
(Link): When society isn’t judging, women’s sex drive rivals men’s
(Link): Married Virgin Asexual Woman Allows Her Husband To Have Sex with Other Women – Why Christians Need to Emphasize Sexual Self Control For Everyone, Not Just Teen Girls
(Link): Getting Married Does Not Necessarily Guarantee Frequent Hot Satisfying Sexy Sex – Husband is Sexless for Eight Years (article)