I’m a 35-Year-Old Virgin and I Won’t Have Sex Before Marriage. The 9 Men I’ve Dated So Far Have Been Jerks About it – by J. Ridley

I’m a 35-Year-Old Virgin and I Won’t Have Sex Before Marriage. The 9 Men I’ve Dated So Far Have Been Jerks About it – by J. Ridley

I have other posts on my blog about the same subject – some men are okay with a woman wanting to refrain from sex until marriage, some aren’t.

I also have other posts on my blog about other parents who are embarrassed or ashamed that their adult children haven’t married.

(Link): I’m a 35-year-old virgin and I won’t have sex before marriage. The 9 men I’ve dated so far have been jerks about it. by J. Ridley

August 4, 2022

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Sonali Chandra. It has been edited for length and clarity.


My colleagues will often talk about their various hookups.  I never join in the conversation.

I’m 35 and hold my V-card with pride. I need a ring on my finger before I lose it to my one and only. I’d be devastated if I betrayed my principles and had a one-night stand.

It’s not because I’m frightened — though I know that first-time sex can be painful. But “friends with benefits” and no-strings-attached relationships are not for me.

I’m looking for my soul mate.

As a modern, first-generation Indian American, I’m pleased to uphold the traditional values of the country where my parents were raised. Sex before marriage is taboo in India.

My mom and dad never spoke about sex when I was growing up. My sister and I loved to watch Bollywood movies in the 1990s and early 2000s. The films wouldn’t show a couple kissing, but the actors were allowed to hold hands.

There were no tank tops, no cleavage, no makeup, and no socializing with boys when I attended middle school.  I was home for junior and senior prom. The only time I dressed up was for dance recitals. I’d been doing Indian dancing for years and performed in the talent shows at high school. People would be shocked because I was the class geek who wore glasses and braces.

[Her father wanted to pick out boyfriends for her, and she said no thank you]

…My dad wanted me to put my dating profile on sites for singles with Indian origins

Dad decided to find somebody in America who had strong Indian values. He’d try to introduce me to doctors and lawyers in our home state of New Jersey. But I never met with them. I didn’t trust my dad to pick out a husband for me. He’d want someone just like himself. My parents’ marriage — which was arranged in India —  was challenging.

I hated the idea of instant gratification. It was a culture shock to date in Manhattan, where I worked on Wall Street in my mid-to-late 20s. Guys would develop an attraction for me, but I’d realize that all they wanted was to take me to bed. If they were going to use me for sex and vanish the next morning, I’d have been mortified.

I had my first kiss at the age of 26, and it felt amazing. Things went no further. I think the romance went nowhere because of my beliefs….

All 9 men I’ve dated in my life have turned out to be jerks

In 2017, I moved to Los Angeles, where I work as the front-desk manager at an Equinox gym. I told myself, “I’ve had enough of these games — I’m going to marry my career.”

I’ve dated nine guys in my life. Each has turned out to be a jerk. They asked me out based on my appearance, but after I told them about my high standards and morals, they disappeared.

Three of them proposed to me because they needed visas to work in America.

I found it quite funny, and it gave me material for the stand-up comedy I’ve been doing since January. I poke fun at the fact I’m a millennial and still a virgin.

I’ll joke that in India they say, “How you dance indicates how you make love.” I am an excellent dancer, so I know I’ll do great.

Nonetheless, I crave companionship. I’ve cried tears of loneliness. I’ve spent every birthday and holiday over the past decade on my own. I wonder if marriage will ever happen because men are so scared of my values. I don’t really understand why. When I was growing up, virginity was a virtue.

As for my father, he’s ashamed that I still don’t have a husband. We had a family reunion in March at my grandmother’s funeral in New Delhi. Dad lied to everyone and said I got married in the US.

People like me are teased and ostracized, but I’d like to inspire and motivate not only young women but men, too.  They shouldn’t have to submit to an arranged marriage — or societal pressure to have sex.


Related:

(Link):  Woman Says She Refuses to Hook-up with Men ‘For Fun’ – Says Most Men She’s Met Are Willing to Wait

(Link): Why Sex-Positive Feminism is Falling Out of Fashion

(Link): She’s Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex. Here’s Her Response to Those ‘Inevitable Jerks’ Who Think Her Decision Is ‘Stupid’ – by E. Kahn

(Link): Dad Buys Full-Page $900 Newspaper Ad Seeking a Wife for His 48 Year Old, Never Married Son

(Link): I’m a 30-Year-Old Female Virgin – Should I Tell The Guys I Date? (Advice Column)

(Link): Where the Sexual Revolution Went Wrong by Maria Albano

(Link): What’s Wrong With PreMarital Sex, Cohabitation and Watching Porn? Apologist Sean McDowell Answers – Critique: Some Christians Marketing Sexual Abstinence as “Purity in Jesus”

(Link):  Singles Shaming Mother: Her Sons are in their 30s, Great Guys, But She’s Freaking Because They’re Not Married (letter to Hax columnist)

(Link): University Officials Warning Students About Woman Who’s Been Roaming Campus Grounds in Search of a Date For Her Son by N. Niemietz

(Link):  Middle Aged, Single Christian Guy’s Long, Picky Girlfriend Wanted Ad on Craig’s List

(Link):  Infertility/ Kids/ The Male Biological Clock

(Link):  Idiot Assumes His 44 Year Old Sister Is A Lesbian Because She’s Never Been Married

(Link):  Never-Married Men Over 40: Date-able or Debate-able?

(Link):  It Goes In Cycles: Push For “Early Marriage” Makes the Rounds AGAIN Lately, Because of Marriage-Idolater, Singleness Shaming Brad Wilcox (Feb 2022)

(Link): Nadia Bolz-Weber’s Gospel of Shame-Free Sexuality by W. Hill

(Link): Progressive Are Now Marketing Their Own Version of Christian Purity Culture as “Radical Monogamy”

(Link):  I Shouldn’t Need An Excuse To Be A Virgin – (Secular Editorial Defends Virginity – More Rare Than a Unicorn Sighting)

(Link):  CDC Report: Virgin Teens Much Healthier Than Their Sexually Active Peers (2016 Report)

(Link): I’m a 30-Year-Old Female Virgin – Should I Tell The Guys I Date? (Advice Column)

(Link): A Day In The Life Of An Abstinence Ed Teacher by S. Gomez

(Link): ABC Won’t Let Us Forget That the New Bachelor Is A Virgin. Is That A Problem?

(Link): Annie Murphy’s Sex and Relationship Column Gives Some Fantastic Advice About “Losing Your Virginity” by Princess Weekes

(Link):  Hypocrisy: Secular Pundits Judge Christian Sexuality: Josh Duggar’s So-Called Vanilla Sexual Preferences Deemed Dull

(Link):  Some Atheists Are Just As Ignorant About Adult Singleness and Celibacy as Progressive Christians, Secular Feminists, and Protestant Evangelical or Conservative Christians

(Link): Self Control – everyone has it, is capable of it, but most choose not to use it (New Study Says Conservatives Have Better Self Control Than Liberals)

(Link):  Sometimes Fornication Can Impact Another Relationship Later – One Example

(Link): We’re Casual About Sex and Serious About Consent. But Is It Working? by J. Zimmerman

(Link):  Shock: Irresponsible, Sexist, and Selfish Men Benefit from Abortion Access by T. Lowe

(Link): Why Sex-Positive Feminism is Falling Out of Fashion

(Link): Girl, 16, Has To Wear Colostomy Bag for Life After Rough Group Sex ‘Copying Porn Scenes’ Left Her With Horror Injuries by D. White

(Link): Warning to ABSTAIN From Sex As MonkeyPox Cases Jump 70% – Monkeypox Spreading Primarily Through Sex

(Link): The Christian and Non Christian Phenomenon of Virgin Shaming and Celibate Shaming

(Link):  Leftists Call Abstinence and Waiting for Sex Until Marriage Following SCOTUS (Supreme Court) Ruling Approving Texas Heartbeat Law

(Link): I’m a Virgin, So Why Am I Being Slut-Shamed? by Ashley Iaconetti

(Link):  Salon Author Amanda Marcotte Thinks Media Shouldn’t Judge Women’s Sexuality But She Has Mocked Women Over Their Sexual Choices Before (To Remain Virgins)

(Link):  Why Young Christians Aren’t Waiting Anymore (from CNN – more Christians are Fornicating)

(Link): Living Myths About Virginity – article from The Atlantic

(Link): Why Are Young People Having So Little Sex? America is in a Sex Recession –  by K. Jullian – via The Atlantic

(Link): The Contemporary Church Undervalues Celibacy / Virginity

(Link): Christian Complementarian Owen Strachan Pushing “the Nuclear Family” Narrative – Unfortunately. (The Bible Does Not Prescribe The Family or Marriage as Cures for Individual or Societal Sin)

(Link):  Craigslist confessional: I’m in my 40s, never married, and a virgin—but I’m happy by Abigail

(Link): Unmarried and Childless Women Are the Happiest, Happiness Expert Claims

(Link): Authors at The Federalist Keep Bashing Singleness in the Service of Promoting Marriage – Which Is Not Okay

(Link): Dear Prudence: Help! I’m Glad My Awful Husband Is Dead.

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