Woman Says Why She’s Rejecting These ‘Lonely, Single Men’ – also: Male Entitlement In and Out of the Church, Men Who Won’t Take Personal Responsibility for Their Singleness
Below this article, I have a lot of comments, before I resume with providing another link related to this first one:
Aug 18, 2022
By Jana Hocking, News.com.au
Unless you were hiding under a rock this week, you would have read about an article published on Psychology Today titled “The Rise of Lonely, Single Men.”
It was written by psychologist, Greg Matos, and revealed that dating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing as relationship standards rise.
The psychologist explained that women are now only dating men who share the same values, have great communication skills and are emotionally available. Praise the lord!
Toxic men are out, respectful studs are in.
Now first of all, may we get out our violins and play a sad melody for the men who have treated women like absolute rubbish and then realized that they’re now single and alone. How unfair for these poor creatures.
You see, while they were bed-hopping, ghosting, breadcrumbing and doing all sort of mind f–kery to us women folk, we were quietly, and subtly embracing this ‘self love’ culture that started to emerge in TED Talks, TikTok videos, YouTube channels, and various other online forms.
Oprah preached: “If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think ‘it will get better’. You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.”
We all had one of her famous ‘light bulb moments’.
If you dig into the archives you will find old articles from women’s magazines that would teach women various ways to “please their husbands.”
We now have a laugh and go “thank god times have changed” but if you dig deep, you will find there is a strong undercurrent of misogyny still haunting today’s dating scene.
I fell out with a male friend a year or so ago when I tried to play matchmaker for him. Sadly I had to gently let him down after the woman he desired politely declined. His response was to tell me: “It’s a blessing in disguise because she was far too old anyway, I want kids.”
She was seven years younger than him. *sigh*
He’s just one example of “lonely, single men.”
A while ago I was dating a man and we both set fairly healthy boundaries early in the relationship. He consistently broke mine, and when I finally built up the courage to VERY firmly tell him to choof off, he had a proper tantrum.
Over the next week I was inundated with text messages telling me I was “nasty,” to never contact him again, why was I not responding (?!) and finally that I “had made a very powerful enemy”.
Yep, when I refused to back down, he then turned to threats. *eye roll.*
Then there was the very distant family member who once cornered me at a party to give me some unwanted advice on why I’m still single.
As I tried to explain to him that I am very happy with the life I have set up for myself, and still enjoy intimacy (probably more than he does in his loveless marriage), he barked on an on about how I have to lower my standards, and settle.
When I finally exclaimed, “BUT I DON’T WANT TO!” It’s like his head exploded. The idea of a woman feeling totally capable by herself … outrageous.
In Matos’ article he states: “I hear recurring dating themes from women between the ages of 25 and 45: They prefer men who are emotionally available, good communicators, and share similar values.”
And from my experience, it’s true.
Gone are the days we laughed off the boys who pushed us in the playground because they secretly had a crush on us. We’re not interested in being teased because you want attention, we expect you to just simply tell us.
And trust me, as someone who was notoriously ‘anxious avoidant’ and would rather dump a man then show any form of vulnerability, I know it can be tough!
But you know what, I did the work. I went to a therapist, I learnt the tools to build my emotional intelligence, and I put them into practice. So, yes, you may be a ‘lonely single man’ but you don’t HAVE to be.
Now, of course I have to add the disclaimer that I’m not talking about all men. I’ve been blessed with two brothers who are thoughtful, caring and treat women as equals. Both are in thriving relationships.
So to the lonely single men out there I say, perhaps it’s time for a little self-reflection. With a few tweaks, you could find yourself in the modern age, where we are all equal, and life is good.
—- end —–
Men Who Blame Women For Being Single
Regarding the link / headline below – I bet men are hacked off about the “Lonely, Single Men” article by Matos that first appeared on Psychology Today, because it squarely puts the onus on “lonely, single men” to stop blaming women for being single and to ask themselves why they’re still single and to work on themselves if they hope to increase their chances on dating apps.
Most men do have shit tons of entitlement and don’t like being held accountable for their behavior in life (this can also be true in regards to female narcissists too),
but concerning their views on women and also in the context of dating and marriage, 99% of men feel that women should cater to them, no matter how fat, stupid, lazy, weird, or mentally disturbed they are.
All these fat, weird, unattractive, lazy or mentally disturbed or toxic, demanding men all feel entitled to the perfect, pretty, fashion model woman who is 21 years old and already earning a six figure income.
Such men typically shoot “out of their league,” have unrealistic, too-picky standards, and they never stop to ask or consider how they can meet the needs of any woman they want to date. They only care about how or if the woman will meet THEIR needs and what the woman looks like.
All that I just mentioned there, is, by the way, one basis of several for most sermons by complementarian Christian male pastors about dating and marriage.
(I’ve discussed this topic in a previous post, years ago: (Link): The Selfish, Lazy Husband Who Kept Blowing Off His Stressed Wife to Go on World War 2 Reenactments – Male Entitlement in Relationships: Why Women Divorce Men – and Churches and Culture Support This Male Entitlement)
Christian Gender Complementarians Play A Role In Keeping Single Men Single By Pumping Them Full of Male Entitlement, Which is a Turn off to Emotionally Healthy Women
That is, complementarian male pastors and complementarian churches are always instructing married (and single) women to lower their expectations in regards to men,
to minimize rude or obnoxious behavior coming from men (including insensitivity, porn use, affairs, and abusive behavior),
because poor, poor men (the complementarians tell us) are just already so “put upon” by society, that those poor dears need the women around them to prop them up, coddle them, and be oh- so- understanding of the men’s gross, abusive, or obnoxious behavior.
Healthy women – psychologically healthy women – see right through that complementarian manipulation (as they get older and gain life experience) and will not put up with that manipulation or with poor treatment from men, even if they are Christian women raised in the sexist dreck that is “Christian gender complementarianism.”
And no, most women are not going to blindly accept or altogether ignore fat on a man, a big, ugly, un-appealing, jiggly beer belly, balding, ugliness, bad hygiene, etc., no matter how “nice” and “good” and “Jesus loving” a man is.
Christian and non-Christian Women are also visual and care about what a man looks like (this is something that is ignored by most complementarians, who falsely reassure single men (and even the married ones) that Christian women only care about things like emotional stuff, love poetry, knitting tea cozies, watching Rom Com movies, does the man make a good spiritual leader, and does the man regularly read the Bible, etc).
Eventually, some complementarian women see this complementarian gaslighting and manipulation for what it is and also come to reject complementarianism
(which is what happened to me – this is one reason of several why or how the veil finally dropped from my eyes and I saw the truth as it was, that complementarianism was not biblical but is a distortion of biblical verses deceptively used to support sexist views and the unfair treatment of women by Christian men).
Christian Gender Complementarianism is not biblical. It’s quite the opposite.
Christian gender complementarianism is a big male complementarian narcissistic-based rationalization scheme to get Christian women to accept, ignore, or minimize poor treatment from the men around them, whether the men are their pastors at church or their husbands, if they are married. (This is a point I should perhaps put in its own separate blog post later.)
You also have a lot of socially awkward, incel, or narcissistic men who blame all women every where for their lack of dates with women.
The Codependent or Insecure Men Who Keep Attracting Toxic Women Precisely Because They, The Men, Are Codependent or Insecure Who Then Wrongly Assume All Women are Toxic
You have codependent, insecure, people-pleasing and/or socially awkward men who, if they manage to get an occasional date or girlfriend, keep attracting narcissistic women (not normal, healthy ones) but then they have the audacity to then assume from their limited, negative experience with dating toxic women that all women are just as bad as the two, three, or four narcissistic bitches they’ve dated (or been married to…
or have been related to – if your mom or dad was toxic, like if either parent was a narcissist, there’s a good chance you’ll end up being attracted to and dating narcissists or other toxic types as you go through life).
No, not all women are selfish, gold diggers, or are narcissistic or have narcissistic tendencies.
Not all women have Borderline Personality Disorder, either (BPD can cause people to idealize you one moment and vilify you the next, where they’re screaming and tossing objects at you. They’re very mercurial, very push and pull, and inconsistent in their behavior. Not all women are like this.)
As one therapist said whose video I recently watched on You Tube (this was a solid point),
if you’re a man who keeps finding yourself in relationships with consistently self absorbed, toxic, hurtful, un-supportive, arrogant, mercurial, “Jekyll and Hyde,” and/or narcissistic women,
you need to get into therapy to do work on YOU to find out WHY that is – because you are the common denominator there, and because not all women have those toxic behaviors or personality disorders, but you keep choosing these types of toxic women as your partners, or you don’t weed them out once you meet them, if they approach YOU.
I know myself, as a recovered codependent, for years (in the context of platonic friendships, working relationships, the guy I was engaged to, etc), I kept attracting jerks, bullies, the self absorbed, the unsupportive, the selfish, the emotionally wounded and needy, and narcissists.
It wasn’t until I began working on myself in middle-age and overcoming negative thought patterns, unhealthy relationship patterns, and such, left over from childhood, and when I began researching codependency, that I finally cracked the code and figured it out.
Now that I’m in a better place mentally, I can spot toxic behaviors faster and I have boundaries, I don’t attract bullies and jerks as often, and if one stumbles into my path, I spot them faster and I don’t allow them to get close to me, and I make it a point to keep a distance from them.
Well, let me say that when I was younger, I actually was pretty good at spotting overt types of toxic people and behaviors quickly.
It was the more covert toxic people I had a harder time weeding out, or, even though I was quickly able to spot the troubled, toxic people, if they fell into my life, my mother and church had raised me in such a way that I was taught I had to continually put up with such people.
I was taught by my mother and complementarian Christians that once I cross paths with a jerk or a narcissist, that I still had to cater to their every whim, treat them with the utmost kindness (which meant allowing them to mistreat me), and that it would be heartless and mean for me to hold such people accountable or have boundaries.
I am sure over that now, but I lived that way for 30+ years.
So… if you find yourself saying, “Why do I keep attracting jerks in all my friendships and dating life?” start looking inwards, because the problem resides in YOU.
The solution to this resides in YOU, not in pointing the finger of blame outwards and blaming all women as a group, when it’s really only the sub-set of women (such as but not limited to BPDs, narcissists, etc) that you are attracting, or you’re putting up with them once they enter your life, that is the issue.
Find out why you’re attracting these toxic hot messes, or why you put up with their nasty behavior, and then stop doing it (this may include re-framing how you see yourself, relationships, changing how you think about yourself, other people, etc).
A therapist, or self help books or mental health self help videos, may be able to help you with that (it was a life saver for me).
Single, Lonely Men Prefer to Blame Others Rather than Take Personal Responsibility and Do the Work
Instead of taking responsibility and working on themselves for why they cannot get into a healthy, normal relationship with a woman, and calmly accepting their singlehood status so long as it exists, they choose instead to join these sexist, toxic MGTOW, MRA, or “incel” type groups online,
where they’re exposed to non-stop corrosive, negative views constantly, to the point, it drags their mental health down further and radicalizes some of them and makes them even LESS appealing to most women than they were previously.
A lot of complementarian persons, organizations, and pastors feed into this date-killing, sexist mentality which plays a role in why single Christian men who’d like to date and marry remain single.
A lot of complementarians set the bar very low for men (as the secular culture does with men), but then demand and ask the Christian women around these sexist, irresponsible, entitled male losers to date them anyway and “just give them a chance.”
In both secular and church culture, women are expected to tolerate a lot of rude, insensitive, or abusive behavior off men, including in dating or marriage.
This crummy male behavior is often excused, rationalized, or minimized by complementarians, and sometimes, demonically and nauseatingly, toxic male behavior is wrongly framed by complementarians and Christian patriarchalists as being “biblical” or “how God wired men.”
No, God did not “wire” or create men to be narcissistic, perverted, selfish, arrogant snot weasels, to “need” sex, nor does the Bible say that only men care about or want sex, or that God “wired” men to “be more visual” and “women to be better at emotional stuff.”
Complementarian persons and complementarian churches act like enablers or “flying monkeys” to these selfish, entitled men (single and married).
I’m a conservative woman who doesn’t go by the “feminist” label, I disagree with some views of feminists, but
– I’ve often seen that when other conservatives write “dating” or “how to get married” advice books for other conservative women, it’s always based upon taking liberal feminist ideals and totally rejecting them and recommending the exact, opposite stereotypical liberal feminist advice – which is false.
(I have a few other blog posts about this topic on this blog.)
If you reject liberal feminist dating or marriage advice and instead adopt stereotypical, 180 degree opposite conservative dating (or how to get married) advice, you’re
1.) still not guaranteed to get boyfriends or a husband and
2.) you will still attract toxic, abusive, or selfish men.
Neither the usual liberal or conservative dating (or how to get married) advice is without its flaws or problems.
Both sets of dating or martial advice – left and right wing – have problems and drawbacks, and neither is a guarantee of getting a (psychologically healthy, non-abusive) boyfriend or spouse.
Aug 15, 2022
By Rebekah Scanlan, News.com.au
Dating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing as relationship standards rise, a new report has claimed.
Couples psychologist Dr. Greg Matos penned a piece titled “The Rise of Lonely, Single Men” in which he argues “men need to address their [relationship] skills deficits” as women are becoming “increasingly selective”.
“I hear recurring dating themes from women between the ages of 25 and 45,” he wrote in the piece published by Psychology Today.
“They prefer men who are emotionally available, good communicators, and share similar values.”
Matos said there were three reasons men were having trouble finding partners, citing the rising use of dating apps, increasing relationship standards and failure by guys to “step up”.
“This relationship skills gap that, if not addressed, will likely lead to fewer dating opportunities, less patience for poor communication skills, and longer periods of being single,” he wrote. “The problem for men is that emotional connection is the lifeblood of healthy, long-term love.”
The report was intended to highlight a growing problem identified in a 2020 study that found loneliness is greater in men than in women – but it quickly sparked a pile on.
Within hours there were thousands of posts on the topic shared on Twitter and TikTok.
But while women aren’t shocked – they have been complaining about “how low the bar is set” for years – many men are outraged, arguing women are “too picky” and have “double standards”.
Matos later took to TikTok to reveal he was receiving “hate mail from men” as a result of his article, which also cites a recent Pew Research study that found men are now “more likely than women to be unpartnered, which wasn’t the case 30 years ago”.
“Why? When all I am doing is asking you to be the best version of yourself. That’s all,” he said. “All I am inviting you to do is just be the best version of yourself.”
However, women were far less shocked by Matos’ findings, with many praising the article for “validating” what women in the dating scene have been expressing.
“Men would rather die alone than just be good people,” one Twitter user wrote.
“The bar for straight men is the literal ground and they will still tunnel underneath it,” another commented.
While one remarked: “I guess the bare minimum and misogyny isn’t working out?”
But while it appears men are lashing out after being called out for their sub par behaviors, Matos said there is hope.
“Men have a key role in this transformation but only if they go all-in. It’s going to take that kind of commitment to themselves, to their own mental health, to the kind of love they want to generate in this world,” he wrote, before adding: “Will we step up?”
(Link): Male Christian Researcher Mark Regnerus Believes Single Christian Women Should Marry Male Christian Porn Addicts – another Christian betrayal of sexual ethics and more evidence of Christians who do make an idol out of marriage
(Link): Men Are Actually Blaming All Women for The Misogynic Progressive ‘Transwoman’ Lunacy – and not crediting feminists who’ve been speaking out on the issue for years – Men Like Rufo and Walsh Don’t Seem to Want to Share the Credit with Women
(Link): Critique of Federalist Editorial “There Is One Pro-Women Camp In American Politics, And It’s The Right by Elle Reynolds” – Do Federalist Magazine Members Realize There Are Single, Childless Conservative Women?
(Link): The Federalist Writers Continue to Disregard That Some of Their Readers Are Conservative, Single, and Childless – Re: “Childless Chris Evans’ Inspiring Condemnation Of Anti-LGBT Bigots: ‘Those People Die Off Like Dinosaurs’”
(Link): “I Regret Having Children” – Various Mothers Interviewed (via NY Post)
(Link): “Who is my mother and who are my brothers?” – one of the most excellent Christian rebuttals I have seen against the Christian idolatry of marriage and natalism, and in support of adult singleness and celibacy – from CBE’s site
(Link): What Two Religions Tell Us About the Modern Dating Crisis (from TIME) (ie, Why Are Conservative Religious Women Not Marrying Even Though They Want to Be Married. Hint: It’s a Demographics Issue)
(Link): The Selfish, Lazy Husband Who Kept Blowing Off His Stressed Wife to Go on World War 2 Reenactments – Male Entitlement in Relationships: Why Women Divorce Men – and Churches and Culture Support This Male Entitlement