I Hate Looking After Ill People So I’m Removing ‘In Sickness’ From My Wedding Vows – via AITA and The Sun
This one below is a tough one. My opinion sometimes goes one way and then the other on this subject whenever I see it turn up every so often in advice columns.
I don’t think it’s as clear cut as some of the people screaming at this lady think it is.
I was a caretaker for one of my dying family members for over a year, and it was physically and mentally draining – no, I wouldn’t want to repeat that, either, not with a spouse or someone else, so I can understand where this woman is coming from.
I am also a recovered codependent, and in the 35 or so years I was a codependent, I ran around ignoring my own needs to take care of other people – and I don’t just mean in caring for physically ill people, and driving car-less neighbors to doctor’s appointments and things like that – but I frequently listened to troubled friends, co-workers and family complain for hours over YEARS about the same problems repeatedly.
It is draining to be a constant care-taker for people, whether it’s caring for a physically ill and dying person, or providing a lot of Emotional Labor for negative or depressed friends and family.
So I don’t know if I can totally view the woman in the post below as being a selfish person. She already cared for one of her sick parents for years, and she understandably doesn’t want to re-live that with a spouse, should the spouse develop a chronic health condition.
But then, I can also see how, at first glance her position does come across as grating.
I wonder how much sexism plays a role in this – American culture expects that women will be care-takers and nurturers, where-as men are not expected to take on that role.
(Link): I hate looking after ill people so I’m removing ‘in sickness’ from my wedding vows
Along with the big white dress and booze-up with friends, the most important part of any wedding is seeing two people commit to each other for the rest of their lives.
Although plenty of couples opt for personal vows to express their love, the most important moment of any ceremony is arguably the bit where they declare to look after one another “in sickness and in health”.
But one bride-to-be has caused uproar online after she explained why she wants to remove this important line on her big day.
Posting on Reddit’s “Am I The A—-le” forum, the woman said she wants to replace “in sickness” with “in happiness”.
She explained: “This is harsh, but I hate taking care of sick people.
“My siblings and I were always taking care of our parents whenever they get sick and I just hate it.
“I’m sick of it and I hate feeling bound or obligated to take care of somebody.
“My life is full of moments and events like this and I just finally want to live my life to the fullest.”
Ahead of the wedding, the couple have been discussing their vows and her husband-to-be is opting for the traditional Christian lines.
But after she suggested the “health” and “happiness” swap, the woman says her fiancé is now reconsidering if he wants to marry her at all.
She continued: “My fiancé says that he will not accept this and he is very mad at me, he is even rethinking the whole thing.
“I just don’t want to feel obligated to take care of anybody sick for years of my own and only life, it’s so stressful and I think he is being very unreasonable right now.
“It’s just a marriage vow and I have the choice to change it.”
Needless to say, other members of the forum were left raging by the post — which prompted the bride to clarify that she’d take care of him if he had a cold.
She added: “However, if it’s chronic/severe and requires so much time and playing around (diets, restrictions, special conditions, etc) then no, I had enough of those in my life.”
One outraged user replied: “You clearly don’t know what love is if you are asking this question and furthermore, you don’t love your fiancé and should let him find someone better who will actually take care of him not only in happiness but also through the hard times.”
Another added: “The phrasing of vows isn’t the issue. The issue is that you only want a partner if he’s healthy and can do everything you want to do.
“But the truth of life is that we will all get sick and, eventually, die. That’s an unavoidable fact of life, and being someone’s life partner means dealing with that.”
(Link): Some Adult Singles Have No Choice But to Delay Marriage Because They Are Too Busy Acting As Caretakers to Elderly Family
(Link): Life Lessons After Recovering from Codependency – I Can’t Save You, and I No Longer Want To
(Link): Married People Who Use Their Spouse’s Disease or Disability to Excuse Their Adultery – an article by M. Del Russo
(Link): Sex and Alzheimer’s – Selfish, Perverted Husband Rapes His Alzheimer’s Wife
(Link): Acceptance (vs. Denial, Anger, or Should-ing) – Helps in Healing and Getting Through Painful Events and Dealing With Things You Cannot Change
(Link): Victim Syndrome (‘Are You A Victim of the Victim Syndrome’) – by Insead
(Link): Being Bitter and Blaming Others Can Ruin Your Health by Elizabeth Cohen
(Link): Selfishness: Thy Name Is Married People / Married People Think Their Spouse Having Alzheimer’s Gives Them A Pass to Spouse Shop or to Divorce or Have Affairs / Christians Over-Sell Marriage but Under-Sell Adult Singleness
(Link): Chronic Pain and the Self Pity, Depression Trap
(Link): Her Marriage is Sexless While She Cares For Sick Elderly Father
(Link): Never Married Adult Woman Says Married Friends Did Not Help Her When She Was Sick
(Link): Widower to Advice Columnist Talks about Being Stereotyped by Married Couples or Ignored by Other Marrieds Since His Wife has Died
(Link): Married People Who Find Themselves Single Again – Spouses With Dementia / Married People Who Are Lonely