Woman Who Unpopularly Decided To Never Have Children Reflects On It Now That She’s 85 Years Old
I was never really for or against having children myself – had I married younger, I was entertaining the idea of having at least one kid, if I could’ve done so by the age of 35.
One of the things this 85 year old woman says is something that I deduced years ago: it’s a huge mistake for any woman to base most or all of her purpose and identity in parenthood or marriage (same is true for men).
If you build most to all of your identity and purpose upon being a spouse or parent, what do you do if you or your spouse are infertile, if you have an only child and he dies young, or if your spouse is abusive so that you have to divorce him (or her), or your spouse gets into a car wreck, gets cancer, or has a heart attack and dies? Or, what happens if your spouse develops dementia, which, in a manner of speaking, kind of leaves you alone?
What happens when your children grow up and move out, leaving you alone with just your spouse?
Actually, what I’m saying here is true of anyone – if you’re a Codependent, never married, childless person, you have the tendency to lose yourself in the problems and lives of your friends, co-workers, and family members. That will end up being a waste of your time or being a mistake as well.
(Link): Woman Who Unpopularly Decided To Never Have Children Reflects On It Now That She’s 85 Years Old
Even though an astonishing number of people don’t feel, and have never felt, the urge to become a parent, the pressure to have kids is still tremendous.
Any person who has made this profound decision about leading a child-free life can tell you it’s usually met in two different ways. One, people mutter a series of condescending phrases such as “oh” or “you’ll change your mind”.
Two, they actually take you seriously and instantly warn you that you’ll be lonely and regret it when you’re old.
Speaking of the latter scenario, one open letter on the ‘Childfree’ subreddit put this notion to bed once and for all.
An 85-year-old widow addressed the young people of this community, shared her experience, and proudly stated that she has zero regrets about her choice. Being married for 50 years, she offered her perspective and some validating words of wisdom.
“If I could go back in time, would I do it again? (being childfree), 100% yes. I would live the same life one thousand times,” the woman wrote. Her story sparked a discussion in the comments below, with responses ranging from kudos to appreciation. Scroll down to read the story in full and the reactions that followed.
For some reason, people who decide to lead a childfree life often hear they’ll regret it once they’re old and alone
So when this 85-year-old widow shared an open letter about her childfree experience, people felt incredibly validated
Letter from an 85 year old widow: My childfree experience and a few humble opinions
Dear Young People
I wonder if I am the oldest person to post on this forum? It was a young lady who told me about this forum and I have read many of your posts and comments for a few weeks. Many have made me smile. Some have made me wince.
It appears to me, many of you on here to validate your life changing decision.
Finding people similar to you is important and I understand the needs. So can I just say, from my experience, your decision is a good one? And if you want to know why I think that, please give me 5 minutes of your time.
I was married for just over 50 years. We bucked the norm and did not want kids. In those days we said “we are trying” for a few years than “we cannot have kids,” case closed. It was our personal secret. It was nobody’s business.
If we were honest and said “we cannot have kids, because we just don’t want them” the fallout with family and friends would have been tough for us.
Our 50 years in a nutshell was perfect. Good jobs, no money worries, followed our own interests and hobbies.
Had many friends and many lovely nieces and nephews. If I could go back in time, would I do it again? (being childfree), 100% yes. I would live the same life one thousand times.
I know and have known many people. This is my humble observation:
GROUP A: They have kids, have a great life and all is perfect. I know many, so it can and does happen.
GROUP B: They have kids, it is a hard life and they have problems. Many wish they could have a childfree do over.
GROUP C: They have kids, all is good. But then the empty nest and dwindling contact breaks their hearts.
GROUP D: The childfree group. I only knew a few.
I cannot give breakdowns and percentages for all the groups. The bottom line, in my experience, GROUP D is always the happiest and most content. Of course there are a many happy people from GROUP A too.
My husband died 10 years ago. I mourned him and still miss him every day. But being childfree means this; my life was never defined by kids. I had a strong network of friends and so many hobbies. I was able to move forward. Life goes on and I have a full and happy life and a new partner.
My friends who have lost their partner, who have kids, their common problems is their kids don’t give them enough time. It upsets and hurts them. They are too reliant on them. They expect “payback” for all the time and money they spend on them.
Their interest and hobbies are sometimes nonexistent, because everything is/was their kids (and grandkids). One friend said this, which I never forgot: “The empty nest thing is real, it is like being dumped by the love of your life after two or three decades, but staying friends. It is never the same”
I now have a private apartment in (a) “rest home.” Lovely friends, full busy days and lovely staff, one being the young lady who has asked me many questions about being childfree and told me about this forum.
Related:
(Link): Motherhood Is Not A Woman’s Most Important Job by J. Wright
(Link): Sex Education Book Instructs Parents To Let Their Young Children Watch Them Have Sex
(Link): Sorry, but being a mother is not the most important job in the world by Catherine Deveny
(Link): Is The Church Failing Childless Women? by Diane Paddison
(Link): A Woman’s Fertility is Her Own Business, not Everyone Else’s by L. Bates
(Link): Billboards by Leftists Imploring that Everyone Should Stop Having Kids Start Popping Up
(Link): Groom Finds Bride Dead Morning After their Wedding
(Link): Groom Gets Killed by Car Hours After Marrying
(Link): Newlywed Husband and Wife Die in Head-on Collision With Each Other
(Link): Husband Dies of Covid-19 Only 48 Hours After Wife Gives Birth to Premature Baby
(Link): Couple Die of Covid, Leaving Behind Newborn and Five Children
(Link): Love Couldn’t Save Me From Loneliness By M. Puniewska
(Link): Christmas Morning House Fire Leaves Father and Two Children Dead, Wife and Oldest Child Injured
(Link): You Will Be Ignored After Your Spouse Dies (advice columnist)
(Link): When You’re Married and Lonely by J. Slattery
(Link): Man Who Lost His Wife Puts Sign in Window Asking for Friends: ‘It’s My Last Resort’
(Link): I Married Young. I Was Widowed Young. I Never Want A Long-Term Partner Again by R. Woolf
(Link): Even If You’re Married You Can Die Alone – Elderly Married Couple Found Dead
(Link): Adult, Single Woman Forgotten and Lie Dead in Her Home for Two Years Before Body Discovered
(Link): Coronavirus: Even Married People With Children Die All Alone
(Link): Couple Die of Covid, Leaving Behind Newborn and Five Children
(Link): Husband Dies of Covid-19 Only 48 Hours After Wife Gives Birth to Premature Baby
(Link): Japan’s Prisons Are a Haven for Elderly Women (Who Are Very Lonely)
(Link): Sick, Dying, and Raped in America’s Nursing Homes
(Link): Life Lessons After Recovering from Codependency – I Can’t Save You, and I No Longer Want To
(Link): Getting Married Is Not an Accomplishment by N. Brooke
(Link): Dear Abby: Teen Gets a Boyfriend, Snubs Her Old Pal
(Link): Do Married Couples Slight Their Family Members as Well as Their Friends? / “Greedy Marriages”
(Link): The Biggest Threat To Middle-Aged Men: Loneliness
(Link): When You Are Lonely In Your Marriage by K. Parsons
(Link): Asking Too Much Of Marriage – Married People are Lonely
(Link): Married Woman Says She’s Lonely Because Her Husband Works All The Time
(Link): Georgia bride dies hours after wedding in car crash with newlywed husband – who could be charged
(Link): Christian Couple Dies in Helicopter Crash Hours After ‘Fairytale’ Wedding
(Link): Bride Battling Cancer Dies 18 Hours After Exchanging Vows
(Link): Bachelor Party Participants Finds Dead Body in RV
(Link): Why Are So Many Single Women Leaving the Church? by K. Gaddini
(Link): I’m 45, Single And Childless. No, There’s Nothing ‘Wrong’ With Me. by M Notkin
(Link): Unmarried and Childless Women Are the Happiest, Happiness Expert Claims
(Link): Why I Have Zero Regrets About My Childless Life by C. Zacharek
(Link): Inside the Growing Movement of Women Who Wish They’d Never Had Kids by S. Treleaven
(Link): Single Adults – Why They Stay and Why They Stray From Church – Book Excerpts
(Link): Celibate Christian Woman Asks Christian Host (Pat Robertson) Why God Will Not Send Her a Husband
(Link): A Case Against Early Marriage by Ashley Moore (editorial)
(Link): Church Is a Family, Not an Event by K. Kandiah
(Link): Why We Thought Marriage Made Us Healthier, and Why We Were Wrong by Bella DePaulo
(Link): Single People Aren’t Problems to Be Fixed or Threats to Be Neutralized By Ella Hickey
(Link): Craigslist confessional: I’m in my 40s, never married, and a virgin—but I’m happy by Abigail
(Link): The Deification of Family and Marriage (re: Kyle Idleman book)
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