Guy Cheats On His Wife And Divorces Her, Expects Her To Mother His Kids From The Affair After His Second Wife’s Death
So what we have here is a guy who had an affair on his first wife.
(A sixteen year old girl wrote in asking for advice about all this. This guy she’s talking about is her father.)
This guy and Wife 1 had two children together, a boy and a girl.
Wife 1 divorced him (or he divorced her), and the guy married his mistress, who became Wife 2, “Kate.”
The guy and Kate had two kids together, “Ellie” and “Tommy.”
Ellie was a product of the guy’s affair – that is, while this guy was married to Wife 1, he committed adultery with Kate, and Kate got knocked up with Ellie. Tommy, the boy, was born AFTER the guy married Kate.
After X number of years of marriage, Kate died.
Now, the two kids of Kate and the guy (Ellie and Tommy) miss their mother and miss having a maternal figure in their lives, and they – and the ex Husband (their biological father) – are now demanding that Wife 1 act as their mother and start including them in holidays, “babying” them, acting maternal towards them, and what not.
Wife 1 and her kids from the first marriage want nothing to do with this arrangement. (And I don’t blame them.)
If I remember right, Kate’s family cut ties with Kate and the guy and their two kids (Ellie and Tommy) because they were upset, offended, or angry that Kate was a mistress who stole this guy away from his first wife.
Look, I feel for those kids (Ellie and Tommy). It has to be difficult to lose your mother especially at a young age, but it’s not Wife 1’s responsibility to step up to the plate to “mother” the two kids popped out by Former Mistress Kate (who became Wife 2).
I think that the dad (the ex husband) is entitled here – very entitled. It’s bad enough this ass hat cheated on Wife 1 with Kate, but he’s also now demanding that Wife 1 take over “mother” duties for the kids he and Kate had together.
Let me tell you – if you’re a single woman on a dating site or app, watch out for things like this.
Dating a parent (a person with children from a previous marriage) can be a huge mistake. This guy is probably on dating apps and sites right now, seeking Wife 3, or, if he’s not on dating sites now, he will probably join one in the future.
On any of his dating site profiles, he will probably omit that he lost Wife 1 via divorce due to his affair with “Kate.” He’ll leave that out, and just expect YOU to baby and take care of his children by Kate.
Avoid guys like this. Avoid, avoid, avoid. It’s better to stay single than get mixed up in taking on responsibilities and selfish, irresponsible, entitled ass clowns like this guy.
It’s not Wife 1’s job or duty to be a care taker and/or free therapist to his two children by Kate who are probably in the grieving process.
This father in this example needs to be spending time with both his children, attending to their emotional needs as they are grieving their mother. He also probably needs to take them each to separate, regular therapy sessions for a couple of years, so they can talk and cry to a therapist and work through their grief.
He may also want to try signing them up for free Grief Share meetings, that tend to meet regularly at churches around the nation (Grief Share meetings are free). They can sit in a circle of other people and talk through their feelings of loss and get their emotional needs met that way.
I do feel bad for the kids who are currently around ages 9 and 11. At that age, all they know is, their real mom is gone, they are grieving her, and they are wanting a maternal figure they can go to.
From their perspective, they aren’t going to see why it’s a big deal for the step-mom to step up and act as their mother now. I can totally understand from THEIR view why and how they can feel that way.
It’s a sad situation… because from the adult perspective, the step-mother owes the 9 and 11 year old nothing, but the kids are going to have a difficult time understanding or accepting that. The choice is hers, the adult woman, as to whether or not take on the role of acting like a maternal figure to them.
Sounds to me as though this guy is selfish and doesn’t want to do any parenting; he just wants to dump the two kids off at the ex-wife’s (Wife 1’s) house and have her cater to them as they cry and weep over their dead mom.
If this guy wants his second batch of two kids to have a mother, he needs to get re-married. It’s not the responsibility of Wife 1 to “act as a mother figure” to his second set of kids by his mistress Kate. That this guy would even THINK this is acceptable is a clue to me he’s probably a narcissist.
This dad should stop using his 16 year old daughter by Wife 1 as a pawn in all this. He’s going to her, the teen daughter, to get her to try to convince Wife 1 to be a mother figure to his second set of kids.
Also: notice how being married and a father did NOT make this man more ethical, responsible, mature, or godly.
Excerpts (the site summarizes the story while also providing screen shots of the original poster’s text):
by Konstancija Gasaitytė and Monika Pašukonytė
…Despite thinking that family is something that makes us feel safe and secure, sometimes because of certain twists and turns, it tends to fall apart.
Having this in mind, Reddit user @u/Affectionate_Kick521 decided to share the situation she found herself in that involved her parents and siblings.
The story which received more than 12k upvotes soon started a discussion online about how parents should behave in situations like this and how kids shouldn’t be the ones telling their parents how to deal with difficult circumstances.
[Their source: (Link): AITA for saying I don’t care if my half siblings feel left out because it’s not my mom’s job to mother them?]
The 16-year-old author of the post started her story by sharing that she lived with her mom, dad, and her brother until it was revealed that her dad was having an affair.
After the news broke out, the man and his wife divorced and he went to live with and eventually marry the other woman, Kate.
Together they had two kids: 11-year-old Ellie and 9-year-old Tommy. After a year, Kate died and this is when all the problems started.
Reddit user decided to share a situation that involved her parents and her dad’s kids from his second marriage
The user revealed that her parents divorced after her dad had an affair with a woman (“Kate”) he later married
It was shared that while the original poster’s (OP [the 16 year old girl writing]) parents shared custody over her and her brother, after the death of his second wife [Kate], her dad asked if his now ex-wife could “include” his two younger kids [Ellie and Tommy] in her life.
Of course, the woman didn’t want to do it and didn’t feel as if she had to because they served as a reminder to her of the affair that her husband had. The author of the post revealed that her mom never interacted with her ex-husband’s kids too much anyway.
After his second wife died, the man was left with two kids who wanted to have a mother figure in their lives
[The teen girl writes to AITA],
My mom never did take Ellie or Tommy into her home. I don’t even think she’s ever interacted with them.
When I look back at moments where everyone was present, she was always on one side with her family and dad was another with his and my half siblings.
… They [Ellie and Tommy, her half siblings] have wanted us to all spend Christmas together. All kinds of stuff.
They also have just dad’s side of the family since none of Kate’s want to be in their lives. But we have both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles involved in our lives.
As time went by, it was noticed by the Reddit user that her half-siblings craved motherly attention and got sad and jealous seeing their half-sister and half-brother spending time with their mom.
The kids even expressed their wish to spend Christmas with the whole family, meaning their dad’s ex-wife, their dad, and half-siblings.
OP shared that besides their dad and his family, they didn’t have anyone else as their mom’s family wasn’t interested in them and even cut all ties with Kate after they found out that she was the one to ruin someone else’s marriage.
OP’s dad thought it was good idea for his ex-wife to become that motherly figure to his kids
The 16-year-old shared that a few times a year, her dad or some family member from his side would ask her if she was okay with her mom not wanting to include his kids in their family gatherings.
The teenager would then support her by saying that she thinks she’s not obligated to do so because they’re not her kids.
Even when her dad tried to make his kids’ “wish come true” by gathering everyone for Christmas, the woman still didn’t agree with this.
After many conversations, the woman told him that she wasn’t interested in helping him raise those kids
A few times over the years, dad, or my grandma or uncle, have asked me if I don’t dislike that my mom wouldn’t open her heart to kids who are part of my family. I always said no, because they are not her kids and so, it doesn’t make sense to me that she would.
My dad wanted to try and get my half siblings wish to come true for a Christmas where we’re all together, which would include my brother and I and our mom. Mom said no. She did not engage with him beyond her no.
This is when the man thought it was a smart idea to try and convince his older daughter to talk to her mom and change her mind
Ellie and dad then tried to get me to talk mom around and I said no and I told them I did not want to talk her around.
Ellie got upset hearing that and left. Dad and my grandparents then cornered me later and asked me how can I say that when I know Ellie and Tommy feel left out and that they crave mothering.
— end first set of excerpts —
Some of my comments about this so far:
Wife 1 is NOT their (Ellie’s and Tommy’s) mother! This guy, I repeat, needs to re-marry a woman who fully knows upfront the whole story – including that Ellie is the product of his affair
– and if a woman is still willing to marry this guy and be a mother to these two kids, that’s up to her.
It’s not up to Wife 1 to take care of HIS duties!
I am so glad I walked away from codependency years ago.
If I were still in my Codependency phase, I probably would’ve sided with the kids and dad on this and thought it was “mean” or heartless of Wife 1 not to step up to the plate to act as a maternal figure.
Now that I know all about boundaries, though, and whose responsibilities are whose, no way.
The dad is using guilt trips to try and manipulate Wife 1, and also, astonishingly, trying to exploit the Teen Daughter by Wife 1 to get his way.
Good for Wife 1 for seeing through all this and standing her ground on this.
If I was still super Codependent, as I used to be, I don’t know if I would’ve been able to see this situation as clearly as I do now.
Continuing from that page:
OP’s mom never gave an explanation as to why she didn’t want her ex-husbands’ kids around, but it’s quite understandable why she didn’t want to engage with them.
Even he and his daughter Ellie tried to change her mind, but she didn’t budge, making the 11-year-old upset.
Once again, her dad and his family tried to talk with the author of the post about the situation, but she then said that she doesn’t see why her mom should want these kids around when they don’t have a proper relationship.
After they tried to change her mind, the 16-year-old said that her dad should have thought about this all before getting a mistress and having kids with her, to which he responded that she was unfair to him and doesn’t understand the situation.
Now the teenager wants to know if she didn’t go too far by defending her mom and telling her dad the actual truth.
The 16-year-old didn’t agree with her dad, so an argument ensued where she told him what she really thought about the whole situation
I told them I don’t care if they feel left out because it’s not my mom’s job to mother them and I would never expect her to do it and since one can’t be fixed without the other thing happening, ie, them feeling left out can’t be fixed unless they feel like they now have a mom in my mom, then I realize it’s not going to happen.
They told me my mom could, and should have love for them as her children’s siblings. I told them dad should have thought about that before he cheated on her and got another woman pregnant while he was still married to mom.
AITA?
Many users online agreed with OP’s opinion and were glad that she stood up for her mom. They were quite appalled by her dad’s behavior, seeing some misogynistic traits in his actions.
People were interested in her own and her brother’s relationship with their half-siblings and Kate when she was still alive, so the Reddit user revealed that her brother already cut contact with their half-siblings as he never wanted to be involved with them.
And as for Kate, OP shared that she didn’t like her stepmother….
Many users online agreed with the author of the post and were so interested in the story that the teen provided them with some more additional information …
[Some reader comments]:
comment by Primary-Criticism929
I think the only a******s are your father and any family member who put into those kids’ heads (they are only 11 and 9) that your mother should have accepted and loved them as they were her own.
I get you saying it to them, but you gotta understand that those kids have been brainwashed to believe your mother owed them something.
Those kids need therapy (and to be removed from your father’s care because he’s doing a lot of damage with his BS)
comment by EchoWilliowing
NTA [Not The Asshole] and your point is totally valid. Especially given the infuriating lack of ownership and responsibility on your father’s part.
That said, I feel really sad for those poor children. I hope they find an appropriate mother figure some day. …
This guy and I think a lot alike:
comment by Ok_Yesterday_6214
NTA, as much as I feel sorry for the kids who have no fault they are the result of their father’s affair, your mom shouldn’t be pressured to mother them precisely because they are the result of the affair.
If your dad is do desperate for them to have a mom, he should remarry.
comment by AusLiBossy
NTA. It’s not the kids’ fault, however your dad is selfish, entitled and delusional. The fact he thinks your mum will want to “mother” his love children is barbaric. She owes them and him absolutely nothing. Your dad is TA.
comment by Defiant-Currency-518
NTA.
I’m so just wow when people *expect* the cheated on spouse to take in the affair partner’s children.
More from the comments:
comment by teresajs
The kids believe what Dad has taught them. They probably have issues with abandonment because Dad has spent years telling them that OP’s Mom should care for them.
Instead, he should have explained that their Mom loved them but is in heaven and OP has a different Mom.
If Dad wants all the kids to have Christmas together, then Dad can make that happen, not insist on Mom doing so.
Dad is being a lazy father in trying to pass his responsibilities onto his Ex.
OP, if there’s an appropriate time, you might tell your Dad, “Mom isn’t a member of Ellie and Tommy’s family. It isn’t okay if you to continue to expect Mom to help with your other kids and to blame Mom to Ellie and Tommy. If you want all four of us kids to celebrate Christmas with you, it’s your job to make those arrangements. Stop telling Ellie and Tommy that it’s my Mom’s fault that they don’t get to have fun and work on being a better parent to both of them.”
comment by Jazzlike_Humor3340
The father and his family are also AH for putting pressure on a 16 year old to get their mother to take on a motherly role to the children of her ex-husband’s affair.
It is not the job of a teenager to fix the problems her father’s infidelity created by pressuring and coercing her mother.
Good point:
comment by Jazzlike_Humor3340 (replying to someone else in the thread):
Even if the dad wants to remarry, it doesn’t mean that he’ll find a woman who wants to marry him!
The fact that one marriage ended when he had an affair is a pretty big red flag for anyone he approaches about a relationship.
Another red flag is the fact that he’s clearly on a “mother hunt” for these kids, to the point of harassing his ex wife and their shared children.
Who wants to marry someone who isn’t really interested in them, but only in what he thinks they might provide to his children by another woman?
Related:
(Link): The Dad Is The A-Hole: Dad Rages as Wife Refuses to Pay for His Kids from Another Marriage
(Link): You Will Be Ignored After Your Spouse Dies (advice columnist)
(Link): I’m Child-Free by Choice So No, I Don’t Want to Look After Your Kids by Jana Hocking
(Link): “I’m a Divorce Lawyer. Here Are The 5 Most Common Marriage Problems I See”
(Link): Yes, You Need to Prioritize Your Marriage Over Your Kids by V. Pelley
(Link): Why You Shouldn’t Love Your Kids More Than Your Partner By B. Luscombe
(Link): Dumbfounded by Stepson’s ‘Humiliating’ Father’s Day Gift: ‘I Almost Cried’
(Link): Nine Questions To Ask On A First Date, According To Divorce Lawyers by B. Wong
(Link): Why Older Singles Aren’t Looking To Couple Up by Janet Siroto
(Link): Dear Abby: I Gave Up Dating, and 30 Years Later, I’m Lonely
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