Single, People Pleasing Guy Murdered by Neighbor (Incident Triggered by His People Pleasing) – Another Precaution for Codependents (and for Complementarian Women)
I’m not blaming this guy for his own murder, but I am saying in this post if you’re a people pleaser, an empath, or a codependent and/or you are a woman who was brought up to believe in Christian gender complementarianism, you need to learn how to start having boundaries right away (regardless of what your church or church preacher thinks), and get very comfortable with saying “no” to people, or you could end up like this guy.
The chain of events that led to his death was his good nature, kindness, willingness to help other people and an inability to say “no” to people.
I suspect he was a codependent.
First, here is some background before I resume with my observations:
(Link): Ronald March Murder: Where is Lance Standberg Now?
Excerpts:
October 2022
A vicious attack in an alley in Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada, left Ronald March dead in August 2012.
The authorities quickly found the person responsible, though, since both men had a history of animosity.
Investigation Discovery’s ‘Fear Thy Neighbor: Hell-Bent’ focuses on the events leading up to Ronald’s death and how the tragic attack occurred.
So, let’s find out more about what happened then, shall we?
How Did Ronald March Die?
Ronald William March was described as an avid reader and an intelligent man. Loved ones remembered the Vancouver resident as gentle and kind, always going out of his way to help others if needed.
When the incident happened, the 57-year-old had just moved into a senior complex in Burnaby. It was mentioned on the show that, at the time, Ronald was taking medication for lupus, an autoimmune disease.
Sometime in the evening of August 8, 2012, a neighbor heard screams and saw Ronald lying on the ground in a pool of blood behind the building in the 3400 block of Renfrew Street.
The neighbor immediately called 911, but it was too late by the time the authorities arrived. Ronald had been stabbed 12 times; his throat had been slit, severing his jugular artery. He was pronounced dead at the scene.
Who Killed Ronald March?
Once the authorities looked into Ronald March, they learned that he had some prior contact with the police regarding issues with a man named Lance Standberg.
Ronald had moved into the senior’s complex housing on the day he was killed. But before that, he had been living in another subsidized apartment. There, Ronald was neighbors with Loray Rayne, who had been living with Lance.
According to the show, Loray dealt with many health issues and relied on Lance for help. He took care of her, but people speculated about the nature of their relationship.
However, given that Lance was a seasonal oil worker, he was away from home for days at a time.
According to the show, Loray began relying on Ronald, who would help her move things and drive her to buy groceries. But over time, that became difficult for Ronald because of his health issues.
During one instance, Ronald was driving Loray somewhere when she lit up a cigarette. As per the show, Ronald asked her to put it off, but she didn’t, leading him to shove her out of the car.
Loray then accused Ronald of hitting her, having him arrested before changing her mind and dropping charges.
After that, she told Lance about it, and he assaulted Ronald.
The animosity continued, with Lance attacking Ronald another time. As per the show, Lance hit Ronald with a steel pipe.
[Lance eventually got fired from his job, and he began stalking Ron]
— end excerpts —
I watched the true crime television show that this article above mentions.
You have this guy with a chronic health problem (Lupus) named Ron who moves into this apartment building, where his two neighbors, who are roommates – Loray and Lance – introduce themselves.
Loray usually relies on Lance to run errands for her, because she has some kind of health problem, but Lance’s job takes him away for days on end.
During those times he’s gone, once Ron moves in, Loray starts banging on Ron’s door, asking him for favors.
In the episode I saw, the show people interviewed Ron’s sister as well as a journalist (whose name I forget) who covered this story at the time. Both of them said that yes, Ron apparently had a hard time turning people down and telling them no.
According to the show, one of the very first favors Loray asked of Ron was for him to carry up a package to her apartment, as the apartment’s elevator was broken at that time – both Loray and Ron’s apartments were on the second or third floor.
Ron agreed to help her.
So, they go down to the main entry for Ron to pick up Loray’s package, and it’s a freaking huge keyboard!
Ron understandably balked. He knew that carrying that huge package up two, three, or more flights of stairs might tire him out and aggravate his Lupus condition, but he went ahead and carried it up flights of stairs for Loray anyhow.
The show hired actors to re-enact all this, so we get to see the actor who played Ron obviously struggling and getting exhausted carrying this bulky, heavy package up the apartment stairwell for Loray.
Right then, I knew.
Well, actually, the moment the program showed the actress who played Loray knock on Ron’s door to ask him for a favor of carrying up a package, I knew then.
I knew the moment I saw that incident that it would escalate, that once Ron agreed to carry up that one package, that Loray would start coming over to his apartment on a regular basis, asking him for more help with more tasks, which would exhaust and annoy Ron, and I was correct.
I am a recovered codependent, a one-time very agreeable personality type; my personality style is still pretty much the same, but I’ve learned to tone down, or turn off, my agreeable nature around every person I meet.
I no longer indiscriminately “carry” other people anymore. I now have standards and criteria before I will agree to help people, or loan them money (if I have money!)
I no longer drop anything and everything to run off and drive sick neighbors to doctors visits, or run over to mop their floor for them if they’re sick, or offer to drive them to the grocery store if their car is broken (or they don’t have a car), nor do I tolerate being a “free therapist” who listens to people complain 30 minutes (or longer) per week or month about their problems. I used to do all that sort of stuff back when I was a great big doormat and people pleaser, but I came to my senses.
I realize just how badly people were taking advantage of me, it was not fair to me, and it wore me out.
I am guessing that Ron was probably a codependent, and also agreeable, wanting and willing to help others to a ridiculous degree, though he was not getting many, if any, of his needs met in return.
I’ve written several posts on this subject before, but if you’re prone to helping people too much or too often, if you feel too afraid or guilty to turn down other people’s requests for favors or help…
you have to knock it off with being so sweet, kind, helpful, and open, because if you keep doing that, if you don’t have boundaries with people,
if you seldom to never say “no” to people when they ask you for favors, there are many types of people out there, including pathological narcissists, who WILL exploit your kindness and your reluctance or fear of saying “No” for months or years on end, until you are broke and bone-tired.
You’ll also sometimes run into people who don’t have narcissism or an empathy-lacking disorder, but they may be sincerely hurting and confused, lack self esteem, they may be very unsure of themselves, lonely, scared – they are looking for someone to be their care-taker.
And if you allow yourself to be the kindly neighbor lady who drives them to their doctor’s appointments, bring their trash can back up their drive way for them on trash day, or whatever the favor is, they WILL start calling you regularly asking you for more and more of your time and your favors, mark my word.
This might even be an elderly neighbor you have who comes to over-rely on you for favors, like asking you to drive them to doctor’s appointments, bring their trash can in from the curb for them, etc.
Whether the person is truly needy, living alone, or has an agenda (driven by a personality disorder with no empathy), they will keep on using you to get their needs met if you allow them! It is up to you to stop doing favors for them, or limit the amount you do for them.
This guy got murdered, in the end scheme, because it started out with him being kind-hearted, meaning well, he dragged that neighbor lady’s box with a key board up several flights of stairs for her, and once he did that, she would start coming down to his door to bang on it daily to weekly to ask him to drive her to the grocery store once a week and do other favors for her.
I’m not saying to never, ever help another person in need, but you need to start being very discerning about who you help, how often, what type of help, and for how long.
I’m sorry if I sound like I am victim-blaming Ron – because I’m not, the blame and fault are totally on Lance for killing Ron – but after having watched this show, I can see how Ron’s people pleasing nature, along with Loray being a selfish, narcissistic, entitled oaf, where she began relying on Ron while Lance was away, ultimately was what put the series of events into motion that got Ron murdered by Lance.
Imagine if Ron had taken a look at that large box and told Loray, “No way! I am not carrying that huge box upstairs for you – I thought the box would be much smaller.”
Ron should have nipped Loray’s expectations and entitlement in the bud then and there.
Certainly after that, when Loray began to view Ron as a “surrogate Lance” when Lance was away, where she kept asking and expecting Ron to drive her to the grocery store or doctor’s visits, he should’ve been clear with her and told her to stop asking him for favors all the time.
Their relationship went from an understandable, normal neighborly “I’ll help you out once in awhile if you truly need help” to Loray seemingly just being entitled, demanding or acting like Ron was her husband, where she came to OVER RELY on Ron.
It’s not Ron’s fault he was murdered, don’t get me wrong here, but as someone who was once in Ron’s place (psychologically speaking), I can see how his own agreeable, codependent, people pleasing nature with a fear or reluctance to turn down a needy or demanding neighbor’s unrelenting requests was what played a role that led to his murder.
I’ve done other posts on this blog before about this issue:
(Link): Clinical Depression Doesn’t Make People Incapable of Making Choices or Changes
(Link): When Narcissists Fake Being Sick to Manipulate You – Re: Boundaries, etc
You cannot only protect yourself from some of these situations, but you can also save a lot of your time and energy and avoid being exploited by many people as you go through life if you turn down the “emotional support” and “I feel so sorry for this person and her sob stories” dial for other people, stop “loaning” them money (that they never repay), stop listening to them sob or complain on a regular basis about problems they never actually try to change or fix themselves.
I used to be a lot like Ron – I felt scared or guilty to turn down a person’s request, so I rarely told people no, which led to me being taken advantage of by a lot of people over the course of my life. I now regret it.
My mom was a huge codependent, and the Baptist faith I was raised in passes off Codependency for women as something women should aspire to, especially under the labels “Complementarianism” or “Biblical Womanhood,” so I was falsely led to believe that God wants women and girls to be continually giving, never have boundaries, be really passive, never say “No,” to always be a care-taker for others, etc.
I know better now.
If you begin researching various topics within the field of psychology, you’ll learn all about the personality disordered people (such as BPDs, sociopaths, narcissists, etc) and all the emotionally or psychologically manipulative games they play to use and abuse you and other people.
These types of people WILL weaponize your Codependency against you. They will exploit your lack of Boundaries, any of your vulnerabilities you tell them about (or that they can glean from things you tell them), your fear or reluctance to say no, your empathy, and your kindness.
A lot of these exploitive and abusive people love to target guys or women just like Ron – eager to be helpful, unwilling to turn down a request for help, etc.
If you don’t want to end up like Ron – either taken advantage of, or murdered after having done numerous favors for the killer’s roomie, which was the first domino to fall in a chain of events that led to his demise – please divest yourself of people pleasing and Codependent behaviors and mindsets. Read up on Boundaries and how to be assertive.
Learn that you are already worth loving just as you are – you do not and cannot earn love from other people by doing favors for them. That’s one place to start, with that recognition.
Here’s another: realize and accept that other people’s needs are not more important than your needs. Their feelings are not more important than your feelings.
Also: it’s not your responsibility to fix and repair everyone you come across in life or to repair their problems for them. It’s okay to walk away.
It’s okay to NOT carry up a large, heavy package up a set of stairs on behalf of your neighbor, even if she is elderly, alone, and/or has a chronic health problem.
Ron was single, apparently. He was 58 years old when murdered. I’m not sure if he had never married or was divorced or what. But the guy lived on his own, and he had Lupus. Ron had his own issues he was dealing with.
It was not Ron’s job or duty to carry packages for the neighbor, or drive her to the store once a week. That’s on her.
Helping others once in awhile if you can and want to is fine, but beware of the selfish people out there who will take from you and take and take and take, and they won’t give back.
Ron has nothing to show for his kindness to his neighbors. The lady neighbor ended up exploiting him and making his physical health decline as a result, while her male roomie murdered Ron. Turn back from people pleasing and codependency while you can!
Related:
(Link): Life Lessons After Recovering from Codependency – I Can’t Save You, and I No Longer Want To
(Link): Chronic Pain and the Self Pity, Depression Trap
(Link): People Using Fake Sickness or Hardship To Con People Out Of Their Money, Attention, or Empathy
(Link): Why Women Are Tired: The Price of Unpaid Emotional Labor by C. Hutchison
(Link): Are You Stuck in the “I’ll Feel Better When” Cycle? by Diana Hill, phD
(Link): Victim Syndrome (‘Are You A Victim of the Victim Syndrome’) – by Insead
(Link): Pathologies of Victimhood by R. Gunderman – The Dangers of Victimhood Mentality
(Link): Clinical Depression Doesn’t Make People Incapable of Making Choices or Changes
(Link): When Narcissists Fake Being Sick to Manipulate You – Re: Boundaries, etc
(Link): Victim Blaming Codependents or Victim Blaming People Who Exhibit Codependent Behaviors
(Link): Guy is Dating Button Pusher (Dear Abby) – Provoking Fights: One Common Aspect of Narcissistic Abuse
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