Dating Again as an Adult (article)

Dating Again as an Adult (article)

I usually do not care for dating tips sort of articles, but I thought anyone who visits this blog might find this helpful.

Dating Again as an Adult

    By Jason Ashley Wright

    Zip-lining to love

    The old standard singles events, like speed dating and singles mixers, can be overwhelming for many people, and most don’t want to use the bar scene as an outlet to meet their next serious date, said Chelsea McGuire, who hears these complaints daily.

    “It can be scary to set out on the dating journey, but it doesn’t have to be,” said McGuire, president and founder of the Take Heart Tulsa social and adventure club — those adventures include wine tastings, rock climbing, glassblowing, paint-and-sip classes, scavenger hunts, even volunteering, zip-lining and grape-stomping.

    She founded her company on the belief that “it’s far easier to meet others who share your passions if you meet while pursuing them,” she said.

    ….Those easing back into dating should seek out activities or groups that share their interest, said McGuire. Often, when people are getting back into the dating scene, they are also going through a period of self-exploration, so finding new hobbies or revisiting old ones is a win-win.

    When seeking out activities where you’re trying something new or something you’re passionate about, talking to the new people around you becomes second nature.

    “I like to call it an organic icebreaker,” McGuire said. “Trying a more casual, lighthearted approach to meeting new people and dating can take a lot of pressure off.”

    She also suggested looking at community calendars, which are a great way to find groups and events that match your interests. Browsing a few the day we spoke, she found book clubs, hiking groups, groups that talk about their travels and volunteer groups.

    Online success
    Going online to find someone is “huge,” said Rachel Wagner, a local etiquette expert and namesake founder of Rachel Wagner Etiquette and Protocol.

    In a recent New York Daily News article she read, one-third of those wed between 2005 and 2012 met online, Wagner said — compared to 21 percent who met at work, 19 percent via mutual friends and only 9 percent at bars.
    Regarding that 19 percent, always be open to the mutual-friend thing because your friends know you and have your best interest at heart.

    As for online dating, don’t reject a person after one date — someone smart, respectful and fun — just because he or she didn’t meet every criteria on your online dating perfect date list, Wagner said.

    “Don’t lower your standards but if there’s no really big red flag, then perhaps a subsequent date may be in order,” she said.

    Once you and your date go out to dinner or lunch, observe how he or she treats the wait staff.

    “It’s a good indicator of this person’s sense of courtesy and respect toward those working in service jobs,” Wagner said. “And, of course, you want to be treated with courtesy and respect, as well, including holding a door open, seating you, taking care of the tab.”

    Trust your gut

    On more than one occasion, Stephen Hemmert has gone off to fix a date a drink and returned to find her naked.
    “I’m not a prude,” said Hemmert, a Tulsa native and graduate of the University of Tulsa who resides outside of Los Angeles. “But the thing is, I know I want to get to know this person.”

    Following Hemmert’s divorce, he dated about 15 women over the course of several years, which led him to write his recently published “Dating and the 50-Year-Old Man.” In it, he imparts his dating observations.

    Dating in his 50s is “nothing like the animal” he knew in his 20s when he married, he said during a recent phone interview.

    The biggest difference: Women are more aggressive. The old stereotypical template of the guy being the lead — asking a woman out, buying her roses — is gone.

    Often, he finds women offering their number before he has a chance to ask for it.

    “I won’t say I didn’t enjoy some of it,” he said. But guys need to be careful of the “physical emotion,” which can fool you — getting sidetracked by beauty and sexuality, which can cause you to miss some red flags before heading into a relationship.

    That’s why it’s important to acknowledge intuition, he said.

    Mix-and-mingle tips

    Don’t travel in a pack
    “Ladies, I’m talking to you,” McGuire said. You wonder why the gender riots are so XX chromosome-heavy at events, and, to top it off, you don’t get approached? It’s because you brought your best friend, your sister, your cousin and your cubical mate, and were glued to their sides the whole time. Approaching one person is daunting enough but three or four? Terrifying.

    Don’t drink too much
    There’s a reason people are tired of going to bars and clubs to meet people.

    Read more tips (Link): here

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Related posts this blog

(Link): Twine: A Dating Site With No Faces

(Link): Beware of HIV / AIDS Infected Christian Male Preachers On Dating Sites

(Link): Police urge caution when using dating websites / Murderers on Dating Sites

(Link): Pro Ball Player Convicted for Kid Diddling Three Kids Claims to be an Outstanding Christian (and he’s married with a kid of his own) – again, why should Christian single gals limit themselves to only marrying Christian men? The Whole “Being Yoked Equally” thing is irrelevant and unduly limiting for singles

(Link): Being Equally Yoked: Christian Columnist Dan Delzell Striving to Keep Christian Singles Single Forever

(Link): Forget About Being ‘Equally Yoked’ – Article: ‘My Abusive ‘Christian’ Marriage’

(Link): Why I Now Reject “Be Equally Yoked” – and on Becoming More Agnostic
-(this page also contains many links to news stories with examples of Christian married men who were arrested for rape, murder, or other crimes, and articles about high rates of porno use among Christian men)

(Link): Beware of Rapists on Christian Dating Sites

(Link): Blogs by Single Women Who Discuss the Weirdos, Perverts and Losers Who Contact Them on Dating Sites

(Link): Weird Dating Sites, Toilet Dating, Dating Sites and Privacy

(Link): Online Dating: Women Want Younger Men (article)

(Link): Why Online Dating Doesn’t Work (article)

(Link): Stop Telling Your Single Friends to Try Dating Sites – Please.

(Link): Online Dating Vs Meeting in Real Life (copy)

(Link): Creepizoids Weirdos and Perverts on Dating Sites

(Link): Internet dating firms entice lonely hearts with faked profiles based on real people (article)

Why Churches Don’t Have Singles Ministries (article)

Why Churches Don’t Have Singles Ministries (article)

I see a lot of arguing about this online, mostly by the unmarried.

Some adult singles want singles ministries/classes, some do not.

I think it depends on how the church in question runs the ministry.

Unfortunately, too many churches spend no money on the adult singles class; they treat the singles ministry (SM) like a “ghetto.” They drop you off there then forget about you and get back to the business of catering to the marrieds.

I have a hunch if more churches actually integrated the SMs into the rest of the church, you would not see adult singles saying, “Oh no, I’d rather NOT have a SM and just attend classes with the married people.”

Excerpts from first part of the page (please click link to read rest):

(Link): Why My Church Doesn’t Have a Singles Ministry

    BY KRIS SWIATOCHOIN
    [Kris Swiatocho is the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries.]
    LEADERSHIP · MARRIAGE & FAMILY
    31 JUL, 2012

    I have been single my entire adult life. Because I am single, I have had a front row experience of how churches are reaching and growing singles adults.

    As a result, I have found that most churches simply did not know much about us nor how to reach us. After several years of serving on various single’s ministry leadership teams as well as starting my own, God called me to help others do the same.

    Specifically to help reach the church, the pastors and staff; to educate and provide resources so that ALL churches would know how to reach singles.

    While there are several large churches that have a singles pastor or director and are doing a great job in reaching and growing single adults, most churches do not. Most churches give various excuses such as:

    [Church Excuse 1] We don’t have any single adults.
    Well this is because you either are not defining singles correctly or simply have not looked at your membership demographics (or the demographics of your area).

    In most large cities in the US, single adults are out numbering the married’s. I know this might be a shock to you considering the churches numbers do not reflect this. This is because we are not doing what is needed to reach them.

    Single adults range from the 18 year old that still lives at home to the 29 year old single parent who has never been married to the divorced dad with grown kids to the 58 never married now taking care of their mom to the 68 widower who lives alone.

    It’s not that you don’t have single adults in your church or community; it’s how to reach them.

    So where do you start? How do you find them? 1) Look at your existing membership/attendance rolls and see who is not married. Categorize by age, past marital status, if they have kids that live at home or grown, etc. 2) Contact your town/city and find out the demographics of those living within a 5 mile radius. Once you find out this information, it will help you in the direction of how to reach them.

    You may find out you have a lot of single mom’s or widows. Depending on what you have the most of could determine whom you try and reach and how to minister to them.

    Please know I believe singles ministry is simply one way to bring singles into your church. The goal with all ministry is reach people for Christ, help grow them so they will in turn reach and grow others (single or married).

    [Church Excuse 2] If we start one, I hear it will end up being a meat market.
    I love to always answer this question and say, “Yes, it sure will, they can meet Jesus.” Churches have a huge fear that their singles ministry will end up being focused only on finding a mate.

    My first thought is… “and where would you like us to find a mate… in a bar?”

    My second thought is… “who is leading your singles ministry?”

    Church as a whole can easily be a place to only be fed and healed from a physical standpoint. But didn’t Jesus use these ways to minister so he could get to the person’s heart? He would feed and heal the body so that he could later feed and heal the soul?

    So if your singles ministry is thriving and growing and people come to meet the opposite sex, then who cares? It’s up to you as a church, as a pastor to get them connected to the whole body of Christ.

    Continue reading “Why Churches Don’t Have Singles Ministries (article)”

Elder / Senior Abuse and Neglect – Christians need to stop worshipping youth – there are other needy groups out there

Elder / Senior Abuse and Neglect – Christians need to stop worshipping youth – there are other needy groups out there

American Christians are ageist. They are youth obsessed. They are always focused on how to attract 14 year olds and college kids to church, or always sending rice to orphans in Africa. Lost in the shuffle are people like this elderly woman. Granted, she is in Australia, but this sort of thing happens in the USA as well.

(Link): Brutal final weeks of neglected woman in Australia shows how world fails seniors in silence

    For some, aging in today’s world can be a slow slide into invisibility.

  • In study after study, elders say they exist in the shadows, at home or in institutions. Their words are dismissed. Even their bodies shrink. Sometimes they become invisible to themselves, as the cruelty of dementia robs them of the memories of who they once were.
  • This invisibility is reflected in the laws and practices of society.
  • Information on elder abuse lags decades behind research on child abuse. Only a handful of countries legally require the reporting of suspected elder abuse, compared to dozens for child abuse.

(Link): Neglected elderly Australian endures brutal end

Excerpts:

    Sunday, October 20, 7:58 PM

  • Brutal final weeks of neglected woman in Australia shows how world fails seniors in silence
  • By Associated Press, Updated: Sunday, October 20, 7:58 PM
    SYDNEY — By the time the ambulance showed up to the house, the old woman’s screams were, as the paramedics would later tell it, already at a 10 out of 10.
  • On a bed in the foyer lay 88-year-old Cynthia Thoresen, her eyes screwed up in agony, her fists clenched, with an untended broken leg. Feces caked her body, from her arms down to her feet, filling the crevices between her toes and under her fingernails.
  • The fact that Cynthia even lived in the house was a surprise to most of the neighbors. None had ever seen her. None had any idea she’d spent her final days in hellish pain after a fall. None knew that her daughter and caretaker, Marguerite Thoresen, had waited weeks before calling for help, or that the help would come far too late.
  • In the end, Cynthia Thoresen joined a large and growing cohort of elderly people across the world who live — and increasingly die — in silence. They are unseen and unheard, left to fend for themselves against a problem society has barely begun to notice, let alone fix: elder abuse.
  • This type of abuse, which in many cases includes neglect, is still so hidden that it is hard to quantify. But the broad picture gleaned from hundreds of interviews and dozens of studies reviewed by The Associated Press is clear: Tens of millions of elders have become victims, trapped between governments and families, neither of which has figured out how to protect or provide for them.
  • Most of the elderly live with relatives or at home, and researchers estimate at least 4 to 10 percent of them are abused, likely much more. Even by the lowest count of 4 percent, that means about 30 million people.

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Related posts….

(Link): Youth Fixation in Churches and how it alienates older Christians

(Link):  Ministering to the Unmarried at Home and Abroad by C. Darnell (article focuses on middle aged, never married adults and ministering to the elderly)

(Link): Janet Mefferd Concedes In One Radio Show that Christians “Lose Jesus” in all the “Family Values” Talk and Emphasis / Also FIC and Youth Worship

(Link): Refreshing: Christian Researcher Disputes that Youths Are Leaving Churches in Droves, Disagrees that Churches Should Be Family Focused

(Link): To Get Any Attention or Support from a Church These Days you Have To Be A Stripper, Prostitute, or Orphan

(Link): Christians and Ageism – Under Age 15 Favored / Declining Youth Church Memership

(Link): Getting People Back to Church / Christian Event Targeting ‘Apathetic’ Youth *BARF*

(Link): Why Even Middle Aged Married with Children Christians Are Leaving Church – Not Just Unmarried Singles | 40 Somethings Gen X Quitting Leaving Church

(Link): Post by Sarah Bessey Re: Churches Ignore Never Married Older and/or Childless Christian Women, Discriminate Against Them

(Link): Pandering to the Youth – Parallel Between Politics and Contemporary Christianity

(Link): Single Adults – Why They Stay and Why They Stray From Church – Book Excerpts

(Link): The Bible Does Not Teach Christians to “Focus On The Family” – The Idolization of Family by American Christians (article)

(Link): You Will Be Ignored After Your Spouse Dies (advice columnist)

(Link): Never Married Christians Over Age 35 who are childless Are More Ignored Than Divorced or Infertile People or Single Parents

First Time Marriage for Man and Woman Both Over Age 40

First Time Marriage for Man and Woman Both Over Age 40

That’s right. Not everyone will get married, and some, when they do, may not get married for the first time until their late 30s, their 40s, 50s, or older.

This was on Ask Amy:

DEAR AMY:

    Is it appropriate to give my son’s fiancee a (relatively) expensive ring? I’m thinking of giving her a ring I had made for myself more than 40 years ago. It has great sentimental value, but I don’t wear it anymore. It has been rolling around in a safe-deposit box for the last 30 years.

My intention was to present it to her as a gift from the heart welcoming her into the family.

My son’s fiancee is not from this country, and both of her parents died a little over a year ago. She is a delightful, upbeat, loving and unselfish person.

My son is 41, and his girlfriend is 40; neither one has ever been married before. We are delighted for both of them.

If you think it is okay, could you please suggest some appropriate wording? — Lost for Words in Seattle


Related:

(Link):  The Reason Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others by D. Brennan

Self Professing Christian Married Guy of 21 Years and Father of Two Admits to Being a Pervy Unfaithful Rat Bastard Who Uses Cheating Sites to Hook Up With Greedy Vapid 20 Somethings

Self Professing Christian Married Guy of 21 Years and Father of Two Admits to Being a Pervy Unfaithful Rat Bastard Who Uses Cheating Sites to Hook Up With Greedy Vapid 20 Somethings

Recap on typical conservative Christian teachings regarding marriage, gender, dating, etc and so forth:

    1. if you wait until you get married to have sex, God will send you a spouse -and-

    2. that spouse will be a decent Christian person who won’t screw around on you
    and

    3. the marital sex will be great and frequent

    4. it is implied that because the Bible contains the line “be not yoked to a Non Christian” that a Christian woman should marry ONLY a self professing Christian man, because a Christian guy will treat her better, won’t abuse her, won’t cheat on her, etc

    5. It is assumed by Christians that married people have better sexual ethics than un-married people

    6. It is assumed by Christians that people who are parents are more godly, mature, and responsible than the childless or childfree

Here’s another example, farther below, showing all that to be big, fat lies.

Also: men who seek after women more than ten years their junior are perverted, and big loser-creeps. See: (Link): Creepy, wrong, immature and pathetic: older men chasing after much younger women

The ego on some men, too – this pervy, loser douche bag just assumes that the 20 year old girl he approached at the store (who he mentions in his letter) would have said “yes” to his date request.

Reality time for middle aged and senior men out there:

Let me tell you something, most women are GROSSED OUT by older men, unless those older men are ultra rich and the woman in question is greedy, or the older dude is movie star Johnny Depp.

The only reason this letter writing idiot got 20 somethings to date in the first place is that he was hitting them up on a sugar daddy site, which he admitted to using (such women are looking for MONEY).

The vast majority of normal 20- something women do NOT want to date older men, they do NOT have “older men” fantasies, etc.

I am in my 40s and DO NOT want to date or marry any guy age 50 or up. Once I get to 50 myself, I would be fine with a 50 something.

But I have never, ever been keen on dating anyone ten years my senior. Five years makes me nervous, forget about ten.

I get approached by dudes of all ages on dating sites, but the ones with white hair who are in their 60s and older make me want to puke, and they were contacting me when I was in my mid 30s and on dating sites.

(And my god, I do NOT look over mid 30ish, even now.) What makes these guys with jowls, wrinkles, and white hair think any woman in her 30s, 40s (or even 50s) would want to date them?

I disagree with Amy’s advice. If this selfish moron is going to be a serial cheater, he should divorce his wife.

Letter to advice columnist Ask Amy Octber 2013

    DEAR AMY:
    I have been happily married for 21 years. Communication is great, we rarely argue and we spend a lot of time together. We have two wonderful teen daughters.

    Unfortunately, I have a major problem. I am completely consumed by lust. I was faithful the first 15 years of marriage but for the past six years I have had intimate affairs with 23 (and counting) girls in their 20s. I hook up with them on “sugar daddy” Web sites.

    Thankfully this terrible action on my part has not caused any financial burden or STDs. I have considered seeing a sex therapist but I think my urges are too strong to fix. Recent example: I was shopping and came upon a hot 20-something. The second I saw her, my heart rate doubled and I had butterflies in my stomach. I started to approach her for a potential date but she walked away.

    Believe it or not, I am a Christian and a churchgoer. I have extreme remorse over my behavior but can’t stop it. Sometimes I think it would be best if I simply filed for divorce so I don’t continue hurting people.
    — Hopeless in the Suburbs

    DEAR HOPELESS:
    Divorcing your wife will not diminish the hurt you are causing — it doesn’t even touch the damage you are doing to yourself (and others).

    You sign your letter “Hopeless,” which illustrates the personal hell of an addiction that is consuming you.

    The description of your physical sensations and intention to approach a stranger in a store for sex puts you in the predator category.

    This compulsion is personally and spiritually degrading.

    It is also in direct conflict with your stated personal values.

    There is help for you, but you need to be honest with your wife, admit your powerlessness over this and seek professional help and treatment.

    The next time you are tempted to use the Internet to hunt for another sugar baby, I hope you will be brave enough to find help for yourself instead.

    The Society for the Advancement for Sexual Health offers information and links to articles, professionals and 12-step groups on its Web site: SASH.net.

Why Even Middle Aged Married with Children Christians Are Leaving Church – Not Just Unmarried Singles | 40 Somethings Gen X Quitting Leaving Church

Why Even Middle Aged Married with Children Christians Are Leaving Church Not Just Unmarried Singles | 40 Somethings

You already know, if you are a Christian over 30, or maybe mid 20s, that churches ignore you in favor of catering to those already married with children.

Churches are nauseatingly obsessed with marriage, parenting, and the nuclear family.

However, it takes some married Christians longer to catch on to this; they tend to be blind to it – specifically, the married with kids couples who don’t start to notice the idolization of the family by Christians and churches until their own kids grow up and move out of the house. It is at that point they no longer fit the target demographic of most churches.

These sorts of Christians (middle aged married, with older kids) say they didn’t realize until they got into their 40s and 50s and their kids moved out how little most churches care about, or minister to, people who aren’t married with kids at home.

Read more about it here (among other reasons why middle aged adults are dropping out of church):

(Link): 40+ Adults And The Church / Outgrowing The Congregation?

Here is an excerpt from part of that page (please click the link above to read the rest):

    Is it possible to spiritually “outgrow” a local congregation?

    It is not only possible, it happens more often than you’d think. One trend I saw in my poll of those over 40 was that a notable percentage of those who’d changed churches or decreased their level of “official” involvement at their present congregation did so because they’d grown past what the church offered.

    I’ve met precious few church leaders who believe that anyone could “outgrow” their congregation. Think about it. When was the last time you heard a church leader explain the departure of a long-time member who’s chosen a different faith community in glowing terms?* “Ken and Julie have left our beloved Baptist church to join Messiah Lutheran because they believe God has called them there, and frankly, we don’t have much to offer them beyond great preaching, the opportunity to help out at Awanas, and Ken’s role as a deacon, which is basically a building caretaker.

    They’ll be able to grow much deeper there because they’re going to become Stephen Ministers at the church and use their gifts of encouragement and service in a much more meaningful way.

    Too, their new church has a great history of spiritual formation-oriented small groups, and we are praying they find rich growth and deeper connection with God in their new congregation just up the street. May God bless you, Ken and Julie. We love you and are grateful for the time we’ve had with you in this church.”

    …Those over 40 grew up in what was dubbed as the Me Generation. The questions of selfishness are legit and need to be answered. But as I’ve already pointed out (Link): here [In Defense of Church Hoppers], many who leave churches have valid and important reasons for doing so.

    What I’m hearing from those who’ve responded to my survey is that growth has often taken them out of churches where they’ve grown weary of passivity (all meaningful ministry is reserved for paid staff, or limited by gender/racial beliefs held by the leadership team) or the constant requests for time and money to support the ego-driven “vision” of a leader. I believe both of those reasons are markers of growth in a leaver, not a sign of selfishness.

(Link): 40+ Adults And The Church/An Update

A few excerpts about her survey of over 40 Christian adults who stop going to church: