Single Woman Meets Stalker Guy at Church
Growing up, I heard from my Mom and Dad, who were both Christians, that church is the ideal place for a Christian, single gal to attend if she wants to meet a decent, single, Christian man – if her goal is to marry. Church was supposed to be the primary husband hunting ground for women. That may have been true in the 1950s, but no more.
For one thing, most churches lack single males past 30, and the few who do attend regularly, from what I’ve seen myself, and have read other women discuss online and in books of their church going experience, tend to be weird, terribly over-weight, have severe mental health issues, smell bad, etc. and so on.
The kind of men who do show up to church are often not date-able men.
The solution to how to attract more men to church has nothing to do with women, with what women do or do not do for men, single or married.
Women, single or married, do not owe adult, single, celibate or non-celibate men ego-stroking or emotional support for being celibate singles (see this post for more on that, and I may write another post on this topic in the future).
I do think the church as a whole – that is, church culture – needs to be affirming of lifelong or adult celibacy and singlehood overall, including everyone from the male pastor to the male deacons, elders, and women who teach Sunday School, because God knows they have made marriage, “the family,” and natalism into idols that they never shut up about, but to “single” the single women out for this purpose is sexist and odd.
Yes, really and truly, there are some self-identified adult, Christian, celibate single men who believe that male church attendance would sky rocket if only the mean, horrible, heartless, single adult women would pile on the affirmations to the single, celibate men and sing the praises of adult celibate men.
Oh please. You’re not five years old. Motivate yourself. Single, celibate adult women are not to blame for churches who ignore single, celibate men. Churches ignore both genders, not only the single men. They ignore single women too.
If you’re an adult over 25, stop demanding, like a petulant, whiny, demanding teenager, that adult, unmarried women stroke your ego for being celibate or single.
A lot of adult, single women are finding most churches irrelevant to their needs, so more and more adult single women are dropping out of church. I don’t see celibate, single men or churches in general making single, celibate women feel more welcome.
On the contrary, churches continue to marginalize single, celibate women by continually harping on how God’s only role for women is to marry and have babies.
Anyway. This single, 25 year old woman mentioned in the letter below that she met a single guy at church who is around 35 (I may have gotten his age wrong, I thought I saw the mom say he is ten years older than the daughter), and he turned out to be a stalker – and I have a few more comments to make below these letters:
- DEAR AMY: My 25-year-old daughter briefly dated a man she met in church last December.
- After one month, she ended the friendship (he was too emotionally needy).
- He continues to pursue her by constant texting and e-mailing. She says he alternates between “saying mean things” and then apologizing and begging her to give him another chance.
- She does not respond and blocked his phone, but he continues to text from different numbers. She does not reply to his e-mails. She moved to a different side of town, and so far he has not shown up at her work.
- We’re very worried about this. What steps can she take to be safe and get this man to stop contacting her? Should her father confront him? So far we have not gotten involved.
- — Very Worried
- DEAR WORRIED: I shared your question with Michele Archer, an expert on stalking with the victim’s advocacy group Safe Horizon, (Link): safehorizon.org. Archer has some suggestions for your daughter: “Keep a stalking log of all incidents, including the date, time, location and a brief description of the incident. Save and print out the e-mails. Save all text messages and document them in the log.
- “I would suggest not changing her e-mail address, but she may want to open another account and give that to people she trusts. Changing her e-mail address may escalate his behavior, and the e-mails he is sending become evidence of stalking, which she can use if she goes to the police.
- “If she has concerns about him showing up at her work, she should let her place of employment know. If she has a photo of him (look on the Internet) she can make a color copy and give it to her workplace.
- “If she uses any social networking sites, make them private and be mindful of what she posts.
- “If this continues, she may want to contact police. The stalking log is useful for this, and she should also show them the text messages. She can also reach out to a domestic violence organization in her community for support or help advocating with the police (if needed) or the district attorney’s office.”
- Archer adds, “I can’t comment on whether the father should confront him because I do not have enough information about the individual pursuing her. In general, this is not recommended.”
- In addition to the above actions, I’d like to encourage your daughter not to let this isolate her. The more support she has from friends, colleagues, family members and local law enforcement, the more secure she will feel — and the more secure she will be.
Whether this guy the 25 year old woman met is a “true” Christian or not is beside the point. Only God can see into someone’s heart.
If a man is play acting and putting on all outward appearances of being an upstanding Christian – he’s in church weekly, reads his Bible regularly, doesn’t use vulgar language, etc, and so forth – a woman may very well assume that the guy is a “true” Christian.
If something looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, you’re going to feel safe assuming it’s a duck – only to find out later it’s a turkey in a duck costume.
This gets back to a point I’ve mentioned time and again on this blog: single, Christian ladies need to give up the “be equally yoked” evangelical understanding of marriage, where they feel confined to only marrying another Christian.
Other than the sheer fact that there are not enough Christian men for Christian women, a lot of the men who are Christians are pigs and dogs.
I’ve chronicled on this blog links to numerous stories about preachers and other Christians who have been arrested for wife beating, murdering their wife, owning or producing pedophile pornography, etc. (you can view examples in this thread and also do a search on this blog for the term “equally yoked”).
A man can believe in Jesus, confess Jesus is Lord, believe in the Bible, give money to charity, attend church weekly, and yet be a “slime ball” or an abuser.
Confession or actual possession of Christian faith is not a guarantee that the guy is going to treat you any better than the atheist down the street.
Just because you meet the guy in a church, and you see he’s there weekly, doesn’t mean he’s not a pervert or a nutso stalker guy. Just see the example above – the young lady met the guy at church, and he is at times hostile towards her in texts or at other times, too clingy. He’s stalking her. You can meet nuts and abusers in churches, too.
(Link): Male Entitlement and Adult Virginity: Who has it worse, Male Vs. Female?
(Link): Christian Husband Raped, Beat His Wife, Made Her Sign “Slave Contract” – Why Christian Single Women Should Not Date or Marry Christian Men