Miserable in a Marriage to a Covert Narcissist – Content by Renee Swanson – Complementarians Push People to Stay in Toxic Marriages Like This One (This Content Can Help Single Adults Too)

Miserable in a Marriage to a Covert Narcissist – Content by Renee Swanson (This Content Can Help Single Adults Too) – Complementarians Push People to Stay in Toxic Marriages Like This One

This post has been edited to add more material

It would be nice if more psychologists, therapists and lay persons wrote articles or blog posts from the vantage of how things affect single adults, but that’s not always the case.

As you know from my blog, I am a never married, middle-aged adult. Yet, I still find some content about marriage helpful in navigating or understanding my relationships with family members and friends.

This lady, Renee Swanson, has a blog, several social media channels, and a podcast about having been married to a Covert (Vulnerable) Narcissist for 21 years – in my opinion, based on what she’s written, her husband is not only a Covert Narcissist but displays elements of what is called Neglectful Narcissism (more on that below).

It looks to me as though some of Swanson’s accounts have not been updated in two or so years, but the content is still quite helpful and illuminating.

I’m going to excerpt a few of her blog posts below.

I want you to note that contrary to what extreme marriage (and parenthood and nuclear family) promoters have to say, that marriage (and parenthood, etc), does not necessarily make a person happy, safe, and secure, as Renee Swanson’s content once again demonstrates.

The person you marry, should you marry, can end up being emotionally, sexually, financially, or physically controlling, negligent, or irresponsible.

There are some personality disorders for which there is no cure, and for which the disorder is largely impervious to therapy.

Which means, should you marry someone with one of those disorders, such as severe pathological narcissism, your partner is never going to change or get better, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, or how much you do for them, love them, or pray for them.

I think that the Christian gender complementarian interpretation of the Bible is incorrect on many topics, but certainly in regards to divorce.

Many complementarian persons, churches, denominations, and pastors believe that the Bible never allows for divorce, including in cases of physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse.

Such anti-divorce, complementarian churches and pastors frequently mistakenly teach people (usually women) who are married to abusers to simply submit more to their spouse, and that will make the mistreatment stop. Such pastors, churches, etc, are entirely ignorant about personality disorders and abuse dynamics.

If these complementarian, anti-divorce clowns spent any time at all looking up information on abuse dynamics or personality disorders, they would learn soon enough that there is nothing another person can do to fix, change, or heal an abusive or toxic person – and the spouse sure won’t be able to do it.

I’ve never married, but I’ve had family members, co-workers, bosses, friends, and acquaintances display presence of disorders or toxic behaviors, and no matter how kind and loving I was to those persons, it didn’t get their abuse of me to stop.

In each case, I either had to limit contact with the toxic person, or cut them out of my life entirely. The same should be true of marriage – you may have to limit contact with your toxic spouse (grey rocking or yellow rocking), or divorce the person.

The following blog post by Renee (the second one featured below, particularly) accurately explains many family and friendship relationships I’ve had over the course of my life.

I used to be extremely Codependent until a few years ago, and during the time I was Codependent, I often attracted Vulnerable Narcissists, or self absorbed, perpetually angry (or depressed) people, who would contact me mainly to complain to me about their problems, where they’d expect me to just listen and give empathy, something I did for many people for many years, and it left me mentally exhausted.

And those who used me as their “Free Therapist” rarely did anything to work on their own problems or their own mental health.

Such persons preferred to take their frustration, disappointment, pain, or anger in life, and phone or text me about it, and make their pain my pain.

It’s as though some of them wanted me to handle or carry their inner pain for them, so they wouldn’t have to face it or carry it themselves. But no person can do that for another person. It’s something we must each do for ourselves.

And the people dumping all their pain or anger in life on me very rarely (or never) allowed me to discuss MY pain or MY frustrations in life with THEM.

When you are a people pleaser, an emotional dependent, a Codependent, or an empath with no boundaries, you will often end up in these unfair friendships (or marriages), where you’re meeting the needs of the perpetually wounded or disordered person, but they generally refuse to meet your needs in return.

(Link):  The Narcissist’s Constant Victim Role

Excerpts:

by Renee Swanson

Covert narcissists are constant victims. Everyone has done them wrong. Everyone has injured their precious ego at some point or another.

The whole world is responsible for their anger, negativity, lack of initiative, lack of motivation, and even their lack of empathy. From the tiniest injury to the grandest, the narcissist continues to be the never-ending victim.

This causes all relationships with the narcissist to be strained and exhausting.

When the narcissist plays the victim so well, it leaves you with two roles in life. You are either the therapist or the enemy. You are either the rescuer or the perpetrator.

The trouble is that healthy people do not want to play these roles with their loved ones.

Your Role as a Therapist

Healthy individuals recognize that they cannot serve as a rescuer to their parent, spouse, adult child, friend, boss, etc. When a person is constantly relying on your approval and validation in order to feel good about themselves, this is not a healthy situation.

You are not helping them or yourself. You are not their therapist and should not serve as such. They need to be working on their own problems on their own, just as you should be with yours.

… Your Role As Enemy

… That peace, however [that you get from constantly apologizing to the Covert Narcissist], will be short-lived. There are not enough apologies in the world to satisfy the victim role of a narcissist.

Their pain comes from within, and yet they constantly look for external reasons and external solutions. Those solutions will NEVER be good enough. To stop being the perpetrator, you have to set your own boundaries and walk away.
— end excerpts —

You’ll note in this next blog post, excerpted below, how being married to this Covert Narcissist of hers, whom she refers to as Steven (not his real name) for 21 years did not bring this lady any joy or peace.

She does say in other podcasts or blog posts, and I think maybe this one, that there were a few moments of happiness with her husband here and there, but ultimately, her spouse would display his sullen, entitled, insensitive nature the majority of the time.

The thing about abusive or toxic people is that they are rarely abusive or toxic 100% of the time.

Abusive or toxic individuals have moments or days where they can be fun, loving, or considerate – so, you end up thinking the relationship is not so bad; it’s intermittent reinforcement (which I believe plays a role in “trauma bonding,” or is the basis of it) – that combined with fear and false hope can keep someone stuck in a terrible relationship for years.

Remember, just because your toxic or abusive person (family member, spouse, friend, whoever it is) occasionally acts nicely towards you, or treats you to a lovely dinner on your birthday, gifts you with a wonderful vacation or a ruby necklace, or whatever nice gesture or gift
– does not excuse or make-up for the rest of the relationship, where they are constantly invalidating you, neglecting you, nit picking you, overtly abusing you, or exploiting you!

Narcissists are known for “Love Bombing” their victims. You will waste years of your life on this person, longing to “bring back” the nice, sweet, kind funny version of them that they first put on display when you were first dating (or befriending) them, but that was a fake persona. It was never genuine.

The person who chronically invalidates or who ignores you now is the “real” them.

You’re never (permanently) getting back to that fake “nice, charming, loving” version of them again, unless they sense you are going to dump them, in which case, they will temporarily put on the “nice guy” (or the “I’m a poor, helpless victim in life, please help me, rescue me”) mask again (called “hoovering“) to “breadcrumb” you. Don’t fall for it.

(Link): How the Covert Narcissist Plays Rejection, Abandonment, and Abuse

Excerpts (you should read her ENTIRE post, not just the portion below):

by Renee Swanson

My marriage lasted almost 21 years. For most of these years, I convinced myself and the world that I had the perfect marriage. We were simply great together.

There was no other option available. The mind is powerful and can do amazing things. I truly believed that it was a match made in heaven and that he was perfect for me.

…Besides we had some really good days in between these outbursts. So I swept it under the rug every time and continued to believe that our marriage was great and wonderful.

Ever so slowly, my eyes started opening. …

Conservative Motherhood Idolaters Once Again Upset Over People Finding Mother’s Day Painful, Re: Companies Allowing People to Opt Out of Mother’s Day Ads Has Them Incensed

Conservative Motherhood Idolaters Once Again Upset Over People Finding Mother’s Day Painful, Re: Companies Allowing People to Opt Out of Mother’s Day Ads Has Them Incensed

Let me get the usual out of the way:
I am a conservative.
I am not feminist.
I am not anti-motherhood. I do not support abortion.
I am not progressive, liberal, nor a Democrat, and I am fed up and sick and tired of seeing Rainbow Flags plastered all over social media by corporations during “Pride Month,”
and I am tired of companies hiring men such as Dylan Mulvaney who say they’re girls to advertise Tampons and Sports Bras.

Having said all that, I do believe that my fellow conservatives have gone down the 180 degree opposite wrong route from anti-motherhood, anti-Nuclear Family positions that neo-Marxist progressives hold to the degree they have turned motherhood (as well as natalism, the nuclear family, parenthood, marriage) into Idols, which goes against the Bible,
and they shame and insult anyone, but especially any woman, over the age of 30 who has never married, can’t marry, doesn’t want to, or doesn’t have kids, doesn’t want to have kids.

Companies presenting the public with the chance to not have to view Mother’s Day ads is not necessarily woke, Marxist, or progressive, and it’s not inherently “anti family” or “anti motherhood.” Stop conflating or confusing those issues, if you’ve been doing so.

Conservative Upset Over Companies Allowing Mother’s Day Marketing Opt Outs

About three or four days ago, I saw a well known Twitter conservative, Jack Posobiec, tweet about how some companies this year began letting others opt out of receiving Mother’s Day ads, and I saw another conservative also tweet out an alarm about this.

I saw another lady tweet about it, and I commented under her tweet. After that some lady (maybe a man?) named “Rae” started sending me rude tweets.

Before I get to those tweets – I will link to a few, maybe embed a few, I wanted to make the following observations.

I am not opposed to Mother’s Day or to Motherhood.

I am not demanding that anyone “cancel” Mother’s Day.

I am not asking or demanding that the general public each NOT honor their own mothers or give their Mom a Mother’s Day card, or take their Mom out for brunch for the day, if they wish.

That companies are allowing people to opt out of Mother’s Day marketing doesn’t bother me in the least.

I don’t see it as an “anti family” attack. To me, it’s not the same thing as a company plastering Rainbows all over their ads.

There are actually some people – including conservatives – who find Mother’s Day a painful holiday to endure, and they’d rather avoid as many Mother’s Day ads as they can; that is their personal choice, and that is okay.

If you’re a conservative who adores Mother’s Day and you choose to keep accepting Mother’s Day ads in YOUR in-box, I am fine with that. I am not telling you to skip the Mother’s Day ads if you enjoy them.

Why Some May Find Mother’s Day Disturbing or Painful

The reason some may want to avoid Mother’s Day advertisements is that they find Mother’s Day painful, because it reminds them that their mother died months or years ago (they’re still in the grieving process), their Mom is or was abusive to them, or, they are infertile, want to have a baby but cannot, due to physical health problems.

None of those reasons for not wanting to see Mother’s Day commercials or advertisements derives from a place of “devaluing” motherhood or hating motherhood – but even if it did, so what?

If you’re a mother, and you demand that others validate YOUR life choice to have children, you are in error.

If you had children to receive attention, pity, or validation from your family, your church, or the culture, you had children for all the wrong reasons.

Pride Month Marketing

Just as companies give people a choice to opt out of Mother’s Day ads, they should also do so concerning Father’s Day ads and LGBTQ and Pride Month ads.

Other conservatives keep bringing up Pride Month ads as a comparison, but I believe it’s an Apples Vs. Oranges situation.

If companies did give the public a choice to opt out of LGBTQ marketing, some of the far left progressives may be offended, but based on the average, conservative or libertarian LGB persons I follow on social media, most of them would be okay with that and would even opt out of the Pride Month ads too.

Where-as some people find Mother’s Day painful because perhaps they are infertile, their Mother is abusive, or their Mom died two years ago and they’re still grieving, I don’t think the same types of emotions are attached to Pride Month.

I don’t think too many gays are going to be completely upset to see Pride Month ads or not see them, or are as apt to become infuriated if a company gives users an opportunity to avoid them. It’s a month long holiday about sexual orientation, which as compared to death of a loved one (a mother), isn’t the same thing, and is no where near the same thing.

I mention that last point because so many motherhood idolizers keep screaming on Twitter about how companies keep cramming “Pride Month” down everyone’s throats.

And yes, they do.

Woke companies are annoying like that, and I too wish they’d stop.

I’m a hetero conservative, but as I am someone who is opposed to progressive transgenderism, I follow a lot of lesbians and homosexuals on twitter, because they are opposed to leftist trans activism, and some of them have said THEY too are sick and tired of “Pride Month” and all the rainbow flags everywhere.

Some of these LGB persons are liberal, conservative, or libertarian.

But woke companies cramming Pride Month marketing down everyone’s throats doesn’t change the fact that some people still find Mother’s Day, or Father’s Day, painful and do not want to see reminders of either one.

Churches and Mother’s Day

On the matter of churches, that is a little bit more tricky for me.

Back when I was a regular, and later, a semi-regular, church attender, I would choose to stay home around Mother’s Day, because sadly, too many churches celebrate Mother’s Day during Sunday morning services, making the audience in the pews a captive audience.

There are people in the pews who find the holiday a painful reminder that they’re infertile, or all their pregnancies have resulted in miscarriage, or their mother is dead, or their mother was abusive. I understand why they may not want to be subjected to Mother’s Day sermons or Mother’s Day ads.

Nearly Half of Single People Receive Unsolicited Nudes, Get Ghosted: Poll – and a Few Dating Tips

Nearly Half of Single People Receive Unsolicited Nudes, Get Ghosted: Poll – and a Few Dating Tips

The page I’ve linked to below has some “first date dating tips,” a few of which I’ve included in my post.

May I add another tip or two (this is especially for single women), and this is also applicable to friendships, family relationships, and any job you have (your co-workers or bosses):
Please spend time researching Narcissistic Abuse and Cluster B personality disorders (which includes but is not limited to Narcissism and Sociopathy).

Particularly if you are a woman, and you’re a shy, people pleasing or codependent woman, you may be prone to over-sharing when you meet someone new (whether a date, a co-worker, etc) because you mistakenly think that sharing personal details when you first meet someone will establish intimacy.

You need to throw that thinking, assumption, and behavior into the trash can immediately.

One reason you do NOT want to overshare early in a relationship (as one of the tips gets into below – and remember, this is applicable to friendship and co-workers too, not JUST dating) is that the person you are dating might be a Cluster B,
and a Cluster B person will exploit any personal information or weaknesses you admit to, or that they can pick up from observing you, to control or manipulate you as the relationship progresses.

Such persons (especially Vulnerable Narcissists) will get you to talk about yourself WAY too much on a first or second date (and of course psychopaths and sociopaths will use this strategy too, but it seems to be a little more of a classical move that Vulnerable Narcissists play).

They may start out acting very, very interested in you, asking you all sorts of questions about what makes you “tick,” about your background, what kind of family you come from, etc.

You need to be careful how much or what type of that information you share.

You can also choose to refuse to answer any questions out-right, just tell the person, “I choose not to answer that question.” If they keep pressing or nagging you into giving an answer, just keep repeating over and over (however many times necessary), “I decline to answer that question.”

You do not always owe other people answers (not all the time with all people in every situation – this is highly context specific, but on a first, second, third, fourth, etc., date, NO, you do NOT owe your date answers to any or all questions!), nor do you owe people justifications or explanations for whatever choices you make in life, either.

Vulnerable (also known as Covert) Narcissists (and other Cluster B persons) try to pry into your personal business and learn about weak areas and regrets as much as they can, not because they truly care about you or your background, or your likes, your triggers, or your vulnerabilities, but they want that information so that they can use it to exploit and control you with later on.

They will eventually intentionally bring up your triggers, your weak spots, and/or shame you with painful or embarrassing things you admitted to them on a first or second date.

For example, if you admit early on in a relationship to always having had body issues and insecurities, to feeling embarrassed about not being stick thin, then as time moves on, they will more than likely start mocking you about your weight, or making thinly veiled insults
– like if they walk in seeing you eating a slice of pie, they may make a low key snide dig like, “Oh, is that your second piece of pie today?,” or, “Do you really think with your weight issues you should be eating that?”

They are doing that kind of thing on purpose. It’s calculated to make you feel shame. It is deliberate.

They want to chip away at your self esteem so that you are easy to control, abuse, and manipulate.

Some of them, especially the Covert Narcissists, will sometimes feign innocence and act as though they really and truly DO care about your weight and your health when they make comments about you eating another piece of pie. But they don’t actually care about your health or your weight.

Their end goal is to shame you more so they can control you, and you unknowingly tipped them off early in the dating stages that they can use your sensitivity about your body image / weight to clobber you with down the road.

One good book on this topic to get you started, what to look for early on in dating (or in forming friendships, or what to look for on job interviews to make sure you’re not walking into a toxic work environment with an abusive boss or co-workers),
and to learn about some of the typical emotionally manipulative games Cluster B persons play on their targets, is this book:
“Psychopath Free” by Jackson MacKenzie.
The book “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker also offers a few similar insights. 

(Link): Nearly half of single people receive unsolicited nudes, get ghosted: poll

by Jack Hobbs
March 28, 2023

Single people who’ve been ghosted or sent an unsolicited nude photo — you’re not alone.

A new poll revealed that nearly half of the single people asked have been victims of nasty dating etiquette.

The dating app Plenty of Fish created a survey along with a dating guide in partnership with life coach Michelle Elman to help single people avoid “undesirable dating behaviors and engineer more positive experiences.”

“Helping daters understand and navigate different behaviors on their dating journey is something I’m really passionate about, which is why I’ve partnered with Plenty of Fish to create the Desirable Dating Guide,” Elman told the Sun. “The guide highlights some of the negative behaviors and experiences that can occur in the dating world, while also shining a light on how singles can enact some positive change.”

According to the survey, which sampled nearly 4,000 British singles, 48% of respondents said that they received unsolicited nude photos from a match or date — with 45% of the 48% revealing that it made them feel disgusted.

Dear Abby: I Lost My Ability to Walk and Now My Boyfriend Treats Me Like Garbage – (Common Behavior of Pathological Narcissists & Other Abusers – They Resent Care Taking)

Dear Abby: I Lost My Ability to Walk and Now My Boyfriend Treats Me Like Garbage – (Common Behavior of Pathological Narcissists & Other Abusers – They Resent Care Taking)

Before I paste in a copy of the woman’s letter, I wanted to say the following:

I’m surprised that this lady had to write in to an advice columnist about this.

After all, it’s common knowledge in content about domestic violence and Narcissistic Abuse that abusive persons – and not all abuse is physical, sometimes it’s emotional or financial – will isolate you.

Abusers will try to cut you off from your friends and family.

Or, if you get into a position where you become isolated over the course of the relationship (ie, due to physical health problems, you cannot walk any more), some abusers will use that to abuse or manipulate you further or to start abusing you if they haven’t previously.

Sounds to me like this woman who wrote in to “Dear Abby” is married to a Cluster B personality disordered person, probably a Covert Narcissist, though her partner could just as well be a Sociopath, Malignant Narcissist, Communal Narcissist, or a Psychopath.

Narcissists are notorious not just for loving to sue people, or threatening to sue them (as I said in an older post), but they will quickly show resentment to a partner who is having health problems.

If you are in the hospital sick recovering, or if you need transportation to a doctor’s appointment, if you are at home recovering,
if you so much as have menstrual cramps, are in bed with a bad case of the Flu, whatever sickness it is,
if you’re dealing with any illness or physical health problem from mild to severe, please realize that you cannot count on your Vulnerable (also known as Covert) Narcissistic partner to be your care-taker.

They resent it. They find it annoying.

Narcissists have low to no empathy.

From their way of thinking, you being sick (whether the sickness is mild or severe) takes attention OFF OF THEM (which they despise), and because they have low empathy, they do not care that you feel sick or need a drive to the doctor’s appointment.

I have more to say below this letter:

(Link): Dear Abby: I lost my ability to walk and now my boyfriend treats me like garbage

March 18, 2023

DEAR ABBY:
I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years. In all this time he has never once asked me if I’m OK whenever I have gotten hurt.

I got used to it, you might say. Well, I recently lost the ability to walk, and ended up in a nursing home for rehabilitation.

My boyfriend would come to visit, but would never ask about progress. Furthermore, when I would show him my progress he wouldn’t act happy.

Porsche Billionaire Files for Divorce Over Wife’s Dementia: Report

Porsche Billionaire Files for Divorce Over Wife’s Dementia: Report

A few years ago, when Pat Robertson was still hosting The 700 Club (he’s mostly retired from that now), he created a stir when he replied to a viewer question from a man who talked about his wife having dementia. From what I remember, Robertson told the man to go ahead and divorce his wife who had dementia.(*)

Marriage does not make people more godly, giving, or loving.

Marriage does NOT cancel out personality disorders, either, and a lot of these cruel, abusive, or selfish spouses you hear about often have a Cluster B personality disorder, such as sociopathy or narcissism.

Marriage is not a guarantee that you’ll have a “happily ever after” ending with someone to care for you until you die. Too many pro-nuclear family conservatives, everyone from Matt Walsh to Al Mohler to Abby Johnson and others, keep promoting that false “fairy tale” view of marriage.

(Link): Porsche billionaire files for divorce from wife, 74, ‘because she has dementia’

A billionaire has filed divorce proceedings against his elderly wife citing her ‘dementia-like illness’ as the reason he wants out of the marriage.

(Link): Porsche billionaire files for divorce over wife’s dementia: report

March 23, 2023
By Nika Shakhnazarova

Billionaire Porsche executive Wolfgang Porsche is divorcing his wife because her “dementia-like illness” has become unbearable for him, according to a report.

Sources close to the couple say the magnate, 79, finds it “impossible” to live with his wife, Claudia Porsche, 74, whose declining health has permanently altered her personality, (Link): the Daily Beast reported, citing German-language tabloid Bild.

The billionaire, who struck up a relationship with Claudia in 2007 before tying the knot in 2019, has reportedly cited her illness and these “drastic changes” to her personality as grounds for separation.

Claudia — a former adviser to the German government — has been unable to move without help for months, the outlet reported.

For the last two years, she has been relying on round-the-clock care from her daughter and four housekeepers.

Meanwhile, it’s believed her soon-to-be ex-husband has been spending time with his longtime pal, 59-year-old Gabriela Prinzessin zu Leiningen, in recent months.

Single, People Pleasing Guy Murdered by Neighbor (Incident Triggered by His People Pleasing) – Another Precaution for Codependents (and for Complementarian Women)

Single, People Pleasing Guy Murdered by Neighbor (Incident Triggered by His People Pleasing) – Another Precaution for Codependents (and for Complementarian Women)

I’m not blaming this guy for his own murder, but I am saying in this post if you’re a people pleaser, an empath, or a codependent and/or you are a woman who was brought up to believe in Christian gender complementarianism, you need to learn how to start having boundaries right away (regardless of what your church or church preacher thinks), and get very comfortable with saying “no” to people, or you could end up like this guy.

The chain of events that led to his death was his good nature, kindness, willingness to help other people and an inability to say “no” to people.

I suspect he was a codependent.

First, here is some background before I resume with my observations:

(Link): Ronald March Murder: Where is Lance Standberg Now?

Excerpts:

October 2022

A vicious attack in an alley in Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada, left Ronald March dead in August 2012.

The authorities quickly found the person responsible, though, since both men had a history of animosity.

Investigation Discovery’s ‘Fear Thy Neighbor: Hell-Bent’ focuses on the events leading up to Ronald’s death and how the tragic attack occurred.

So, let’s find out more about what happened then, shall we?

How Did Ronald March Die?

Ronald William March was described as an avid reader and an intelligent man. Loved ones remembered the Vancouver resident as gentle and kind, always going out of his way to help others if needed.

New Jersey Restaurant, Nettie’s, Wisely Bans Children (Good For Them) – Most People Do Not Want Screaming Kids Present or Underfoot When Eating Out

New Jersey Restaurant, Nettie’s, Wisely Bans Children (Good For Them) – Most People Do Not Want Screaming Kids Present or Underfoot When Eating Out

I don’t know how this Feb. 10, 2023 news story escaped my attention previously.

There are so many restaurants that already permit babies and children, I marvel every time a business does ban kids – you’ll see one of these news stories about once every two years – and parents get into an uproar about it and throw hissy fits.

Most people do not want to put up with loud, unruly children on airplanes, movie theaters, and restaurants.

Most parents are entitled narcissists who think everyone will or should love and adore their children as much as they do. Wrong. We don’t.

I remember going to a “help yourself” type restaurant, when I was in my 20s, where you take your dishes and tray up to the food bars, then walk your tray (loaded with food) back to your table,
and as I was walking back to my table, two kids, a boy and a girl, who must’ve been around ages 3 or 4, keep running and running in front of me, in back of me, around me in circles, because they were chasing one another (they were also screaming and yelling, treating the dining room as though it were a playground).

I was scared to death those kids would cause me to trip and fall, spilling the very hot food on myself or them or on other patrons, and someone would get burned.

I kept waiting for their irresponsible parents to tell the kids to sit down and shut up, but they did not. It’s a miracle of sorts I made it to my table without spilling anything on my tray that day.

Nobody wants to put up with that when they go out in public. Nobody.

I don’t mind if other people want to have children, but I resent being subjected to their misbehaving, loud, screaming babies, toddlers, little kids, pre-teens, or teens when I go out in public.

Now, I don’t support abortion, so if you’re a woman who gets pregnant, you should give birth and give the kid up for adoption if you don’t want to raise it yourself, but if you keep it, don’t bring the kid to a restaurant until he or she is old enough to behave.

Surprised that fellow conservatives, who are always wrong on such topics, didn’t chime in to mock a restaurant that bans kids under ten from dining there – surprised that Matt Walsh, Tucker Carlson, and all the usual hyper-pro-children persons and groups didn’t run out and do video segments or blog posts denouncing this restaurant over this, screaming or mocking them. I guess they save their bile only for single, adult, child women who are fine with being single and childless.

(Link):  Italian restaurant in New Jersey banning children under 10

Feb. 11, 2023

Nettie’s House of Spaghetti in Tinton Falls announced on its social media platforms that beginning March 8, children under 10 will not be allowed to dine there.

…According to its website, the restaurant will be closed for its winter break from Feb. 20 to March 7. The age limit ban will go into effect the following day.

Nettie’s, described as a “retro-chic pasta joint” by NJ.com, was named the state’s 28th-best Italian restaurant by the news outlet.

An age-limit at a restaurant is not new.

In 2021, Red Rooster Burgers and Grill in Garden Valley, California, banned patrons under 18 unless they were accompanied by an adult, “Today” reported. The restaurant cited bad behavior from teens that caused damage at the business.

Another California restaurant, Old Fisherman’s Grotto in Monterey, made headlines in 2018 when it banned “crying children” or youths making “loud noises,” “Today” reported. The restaurant also had a “no stroller” police in effect since 2009.

Nettie’s did not respond to “Today’s” request for comment.

(Link): New Jersey restaurant Nettie’s sparks furious debate after banning children under the age of 10

by Kelsi Karruli
February 10, 2023

A New Jersey restaurant has sparked furious debate after revealing it was banning children under the age of 10 from dining in.

Italian restaurant Nettie’s, located in Tinton Falls, New Jersey, caused a stir on social media after making the announcement.

In a Facebook post, a staff member said the ban would begin March 8, claiming its decision was due to rowdy children causing safety issues during peak dining times.

The new policy comes after another woman called for ‘adults only’ suburbs to have ‘peace and quiet’ without any disturbances from children.

Despite the growing calls for more strict no-kids rules to be enacted, the restaurant’s announcement has come under fierce criticism from many parents, triggering heated discussion about the controversial policy.

‘It’s been extremely challenging to accommodate children at Nettie’s. Between noise levels, lack of space for high chairs, cleaning up crazy messes, and the liability of kids running around the restaurant, we have decided that it’s time to take control of the situation,’ the post read.

‘This wasn’t a decision that was made lightly, but some recent events have pushed us to implement this new policy. As of March 8, the day we return from our winter break, we will no longer allow children under 10 to dine in the restaurant.

‘We know that this is going to make some of you very upset, especially those of you with very well-behaved kids, but we believe this is the right decision for our business moving forward. Thank you for understanding.’

The announcement prompted major backlash from many diners.

My Husband Booked Himself a Seat in Business Class but Left Me and Our Toddler in Economy for a 14 Hour Flight – and LIED to Me About It – Parenthood and the Nuclear Family Doesn’t Make People More Loving

My Husband Booked Himself a Seat in Business Class but Left Me and Our Toddler in Economy for a 14 Hour Flight – and LIED to Me About It – Parenthood and the Nuclear Family Doesn’t Make People More Loving

My fellow conservatives like to propagandize parenthood, marriage, and the nuclear family – usually by arguing that all those things save culture and make those in those situations (marriage, parenthood) “better” or more loving, godly, responsible, or ethical than staying single and childless.

Furthermore, Christian gender complementarians (who lean conservative) attempt to defend their sexist gender complementarian ideology by saying that male headship is beneficial to women, because it means that men will be “servant leaders” to women, and do noble things like give up their bus seat to pregnant women on buses, or take a bullet for a woman. That is all a bunch of bunk.

The truth is that some men (like some women), regardless if they are married, single, childless, child free, or parents, are selfish, immoral jerks.

Fatherhood did not make this parent discussed in this story below less selfish, ethical, or dishonest.

(Link): My husband booked himself a seat in business class but left me and our toddler in economy for a 14 hour flight – and LIED to me about it

February 3, 2023
by Abi Turner

A mother has sparked outrage after revealing how her husband lied and booked economy seats for her and her toddler on their long-haul flight – while he laps it up in business class thanks to his company.

Taking to British parenting site (Link): Mumsnet, she explained how his work had paid for him to fly – but she insisted she and her toddler be bought seats in premium economy if they were to tag along on the journey.

The unidentified woman, thought to be from the UK, explained that it was six weeks before the flight that she realised her husband had just booked them economy and the seats couldn’t be changed.

She said: ‘Flying long-haul on Friday – 14 hour flight. DH going for a week’s work and wanted me & DS (2) to go and tag on a holiday. I only agreed to go if DS & I flew premium economy as it’s a long way, I’ll be on my own with toddler whilst DH is in business class (work paid for his ticket).

‘DH said fine no problem, had lots of points to use. Booked the flights. Told me had booked premium. Six weeks later I discover he’d lied and basically booked the cheapest economy tickets available (no seat reservation option/upgrade option).’

Dear Abby: “My Kids Never Call or Visit Me” – Your Adult Children Do Not Owe You Friendship and Won’t Visit You When You Are Elderly: Readjust Your Expectations, Parents

Dear Abby: “My Kids Never Call or Visit Me” – Your Adult Children Do Not Owe You Friendship and Won’t Visit You When You Are Elderly: Readjust Your Expectations, Parents

If you’re a childfree person, you know you’ve heard pro-parenthood people, usually parents themselves, ask a million times, “But who is going to take care of you when you get older?”

From what I’ve heard of people who work in nursing homes, the adult children of elderly people in nursing homes seldom to never go to visit them.

When I used to periodically visit my grandmother in a nursing home, as myself and other family would be sitting in the lobby waiting for a nurse to wheel my grandmother out to visit, other seniors would wheel up to myself or one of my aunts and start to cry.

These seniors would cry (I mean literally cry, with tears running down their faces), and they’d say, “I don’t like it here, I want to go home.”

The vibe is that these elderly people hated being in the nursing home (which is understandable; I felt so bad for these people), but they were apparently not getting many visits (if any at all) from their family members.

When one of my Aunts got into her 80s (by that time, her spouse had been dead for around ten or more years), she was living alone, her memory was going – she eventually had to move in with one of her adult sons.

But prior to that, for years and years, that Aunt was on her own. She’d phone my Dad (her brother in law) any time she needed help.

My Dad ended up doing things like driving that particular Aunt of mine to the hospital at 2:00 in the morning when she fell and broke a rib. She called him and asked him for help with that.

My Dad went to her home on another occasion to fix a leaking toilet. My Dad also mowed her lawn for her a few times.

My Aunt’s own own adult son, who lived much closer to her than my father did, was not stepping up to the plate. He only came into the picture when there was no other choice.

His Mom (my Aunt) eventually got fairly bad dementia, or whatever problem (her recall became terrible) – she also became more and more physically frail, and it became glaringly obvious she could no longer live alone.

Only then did the adult son step up and let her live in his house, something he should’ve done years prior.

Before that, my Dad, who was up there in age himself, was driving to her house, which was like a 40 minute commute each way, to run errands for her, drive her to doctor’s appointments, etc, whenever she’d phone for help.

In reading up on books and web pages on abuse and codependency, I kept seeing one boundary violation by parents who have this bogus expectation that their adult children owe them friendship – to keep them occupied when they’re lonely.

This is doubly true if the parent in question is widowed (the other spouse died), or if they’re in a lonely, loveless marriage.

These types of parents (usually the mother) actually expects that their adult children (usually a daughter) to wait on them hand and foot, eat lunch with them daily, to phone them daily to chit chat – to be their buddy, their confidant and their pal to keep loneliness at bay.

And that is not a fair or reasonable expectation for a parent to have. Psychologists write about this in their books, it’s not merely me informing you of this.

I also read an entire book about emotional incest by a psychologist, and, according to this book, a lot of parents actually begin looking to a young child of theirs to meet their emotional needs and their need for companionship and/or identity or purpose when their kid is a baby, toddler, pre-teen, or teen!

This sort of thing does not always start in the kid’s adulthood, in other words. For some kids, it begins when they’re a baby or small child.

If the parent leans on the child in that manner, according to the psychologist who treats the now-adult patients who were leaned on by a parent when they were a kid, it will create all sorts of problems for the child when he or she grows up.

If you’re a parent, you need to realize that it’s not your child’s responsibility or duty to provide you with companionship, regardless of your child’s age.

If you are lonely or bored, you need to get out of the house and make friends with people YOUR OWN AGE.

You should never, ever rely on a child of yours (whatever their age) to meet your need for friendship, nor should you share personal details with them, like divorce stress, or whatever.

Your child is not your mini-therapist at any age. Talk to an adult friend about your adult problems. Making friends as an adult is not easy, but you will be messing up your kid if you start sharing “adult” details and problems with them, especially if they are young.

Anyway, having children is NOT a guarantee that the children will regularly stay in touch with you as you age.

(Link): Dear Abby: My Kids Never Call or Visit Me

by Dear Abby
January 29, 2023

DEAR ABBY:
I am an active widower with five grown children. Although three of them live in the same city and two live in a city nearby, I haven’t heard from or seen them as often over the past few years as I would like.

I realized recently that I miss their company and I’d like them to call or see me more often.

Am I A Jerk For Not Allowing My Late Husband’s Affair Partner To Come To His Funeral? (question to advice column)

Am I A Jerk For Not Allowing My Late Husband’s Affair Partner To Come To His Funeral? (question to advice column)

“AITA” stands for “Am I The Asshole,” and I believe it’s a popular advice section on Reddit.

And to answer the question, just on the title alone (I’ve not yet read the column itself): HELL NO, you are not a jerk for not wanting the mistress at your spouse’s funeral. That she (the mistress) would even think that is appropriate shows how entitled she is.

(Link): AITA For Not Allowing My Late Husband’s Affair Partner To Come To His Funeral?

… The thing is, u/MyMomo20 recently lost her husband, with whom she shares three children, to a car accident. The whole family was under the impression that he was traveling for a work trip, but they later learned that he was headed to visit his lover of 5 years.

For the sake of her kids, the woman was forced to put on a brave front, but she soon ran into trouble when a super-persistent mistress refused to respect their privacy.

“AITA for not allowing my late husband’s affair partner [to] come to his funeral?” – this netizen turned to one of Reddit’s most judgmental communities, asking its members if it was wrong of her to not let her late husband’s mistress attend his funeral.

The post managed to garner nearly 11K upvotes as well as 1.8K comments containing mostly supportive remarks.

Woman ponders if she was wrong to remove her late husband’s mistress from his funeral when she showed up uninvited

The author of the post started out by mentioning that her spouse had recently died in a car accident halfway across the country.

The man told her that he was going on a work trip, but the family later found out that it was actually a lie, and he instead was headed to see his mistress, with whom he’d been together for at least five years.

Couple Leave Their Baby at the Airport After Refusing to Buy the Baby a Ticket – Parenthood Does Not Improve Society or Make People More Loving or Responsible

Couple Leave Their Baby at the Airport After Refusing to Buy the Baby a Ticket – Parenthood Does Not Improve Society or Make People More Loving or Responsible

(Link): Parents leave baby behind at Israeli airport check-in

Two parents with Belgian passports were detained by police after they left their baby at the check-in at Israel’s Ben-Gurion Airport while attempting to fly abroad, Israeli media reported Tuesday.

(Link): Couple leave baby at Israeli airport check-in counter after told child couldn’t board flight without a ticket

A couple who attempted to board a plane without buying a ticket for their baby left the child behind at an airport check-in counter and ran to the security gate to catch their flight.

(Link): Baby abandoned at Tel Aviv airport as parents attempted to board flight: officials

Excerpts:

An infant was abandoned at a Tel Aviv airport by his parents, who tried to board their flight to Belgium without him after they failed to purchase a ticket for the child, authorities said.

The unnamed parents, who both held Belgian passports, had arrived at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv on Tuesday with their baby, planning to board a Ryanair flight to Brussels, the Israeli Airport Authority told local Channel 12.

But according to officials, the family arrived at Terminal 1 late, after the check-in counter had closed, and the parents were either unable or unwilling to buy a ticket for their child.

The mom and dad then left the carrier with their son next to the check-in counter while they rushed toward the security line so they could board the flight.

A short cellphone video that was reportedly recorded at the airport purports to show a woman looking at the baby in the carrier and exclaiming in Hebrew: “She left him here, I swear!”

(Link):  Couple leave their baby at Israeli airport check-in while attempting to board Ryanair flight after refusing to buy a ticket for the child

January 31, 2023
by Miriam Kuepper

A couple left their baby at an Israeli airport check-in while attempting to board a Ryanair flight after refusing to buy a ticket for the child.

Two parents with Belgian passports were detained by police after leaving their baby at the check-in at the Ben-Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv, according to the Jerusalem Post.

The couple attempted to board a Ryanair flight from Tel Aviv to Brussels, but they didn’t have a ticket for their baby.

They refused to pay for one and seemed to have left their baby in the stroller as they walked to passport control.

Woman Continues To Enjoy Her Ice Cream In Peace As Entitled Mother Yells Profanities At Her For Not Sharing The Treat With Crying Toddler

Woman Continues To Enjoy Her Ice Cream In Peace As Entitled Mother Yells Profanities At Her For Not Sharing The Treat With Crying Toddler

This mother is incredibly entitled. It is NOT the responsibility of a stranger to hand your kid her ice cream she just bought.

Parenthood does NOT make people more godly, loving, ethical, nor does parenthood make culture “better,” as so many hyper-Nuclear Family conservatives continue to argue. (I am a conservative as well, but I recognize the obnoxiousness and wrongness of so many “pro parenthood” type comments I see from “hyper pro Nuclear Family” conservatives).

The mother in this example sounds like a pathological narcissist. If someone has a terrible personality style while single and childless, they will continue to have a terrible personality after they marry and become a parent.

(Link): Woman Continues To Enjoy Her Ice Cream In Peace As Entitled Mother Yells Profanities At Her For Not Sharing The Treat With Crying Toddler

Excerpts:

AITA for relishing my ice-cream in front of a crying toddler?

I (25F) had to travel to a city 6 hours away for college related work. The trip was pretty tight. I had to leave on Thursday night by train and reached the city on Friday early morning, was engaged in work till the evening and then take a train to get back home on friday night itself.

When I got into the train at about 10 PM, I still hadn’t had dinner.

I was exhausted. I happened to share my cabin in the train with a middle aged woman and her toddler.

There was around 30 mins left for the train to start so I went out of the train, quickly got some snacks and ice-cream and got back to the cabin. I decided to have the ice-cream first because I didn’t want it to melt. The toddler saw it and starting asking for it.

I just looked at the mom and she goes “give it to my son and buy yourself a new one”.

I was taken aback because she wasn’t even requesting, she was demanding.