Beauty Redefined Site Discusses Modesty: Modest Is Hottest?

Beauty Redefined Site Discusses Modesty: Modest Is Hottest?

I do agree with much of what this blog post says (the following is from ‘Beauty Redefined’):

(Link): Modest Is Hottest? The Revealing Truth

    Women and girls are more than just bodies. But you wouldn’t know that if you looked to media, or even sometimes well-meaning religious* rhetoric, for the truth about females.

    And you wouldn’t know that if you listened to the way so many of us discuss the topic of appropriate dress, or “modesty,” today.

    We are growing up and growing older surrounded by profit-driven media’s fixation on bodies – from “Perfect Your Parts, Perfect Your Life!” billboards to always-Photoshopped magazines and TV obsessed with judging what women wear and how much cellulite they have.

    In an inescapable media world that pans up and down women’s bodies and focuses so much attention on their parts, no wonder girls learn to display their bodies as something to be looked at.

    No wonder girls learn to survey their bodies at all times, and in all things they are wearing, and in all places they are going.

    Today in many circles, issues of female “modesty” are very popular.

    From many religions’ focus on appropriate dress to schools having rules on how high above the knee girls’ shorts can and can’t be or how much bare shoulder is too much – modesty is a trending topic. (For LDS audiences, we now have a modesty lesson plan here).

    Fashion boutiques have crazy names like “Sexy Modest” and “Modest is Hottest!” is a popular phrase endorsing full-coverage clothing.

    While reasons for suggesting modesty vary greatly, we at Beauty Redefined can attest that far too much emphasis is being placed on arbitrary standards that are harming females from a very young age and keeping us fixated on females as bodies alone.

    If you’re pro-modesty (by whatever definition that means to you), then live it and teach it as a means for empowerment and benefit to yourself, not as a service or protection for men.

    …. Many discussions of modesty, from diverse cultural or religious perspectives, revolve around the idea of keeping sinful and unholy female bodies and body parts from the gaze of others — particularly men.

    This privileges the male gaze, in a backward sort of way, and puts females at a disadvantage for being the ones in control of what others think or feel when seeing their bodies.

    When we speak of modesty strictly in terms of covering our bodies from the sexual gaze of others, we are keeping the level of discourse at the shallow waters of women and girls as bodies alone.

    We have very little control of what other people think when they look at us.

    Even in cultures where women are required to or choose to cover up a great deal, there is still an incredibly high incidence of rape and sexual violence. Covering up has no bearing on men’s ability to control themselves.

    If we are teaching the girls in our lives that the primary objective of modesty is to keep themselves covered so boys and men don’t think sexual thoughts about them, then we are teaching girls they are responsible for other peoples’ thoughts and they are primarily sexual objects in need of covering.

    No girl or woman’s body is sinful, and no one should be taught that. Modesty, as an ideal, can be about so much more than shaming females into covering up.

    Modesty, as an ideal, can be about so much more than shaming females into covering up.

    …. We complicate it even further when we throw in phrases like, “modest is hottest,” which again teaches that girls should dress modestly for the benefit and approval of others, and not for themselves.

    Modesty can be a powerful concept when we believe we are more than bodies. And when you believe that you are capable of more than looking hot, then you might dress differently than someone who perceives her value comes from her appearance, or the amount of attention she gets from men.

    … If you believe your power comes from your words, your unique contributions, your mind, your service, then you don’t need to seek attention and power by emphasizing your [body] parts and minimizing yourself to your body.

    …. We see why suggestions regarding the length of hemlines and the depth of necklines are important, because we live in a sexual world where even the youngest of girls are sexualized to an extreme degree and they are told their “sexiness” will bring them popularity, love, and happiness.

    Studies show girls as young as 6 years old are sexualizing themselves because media messages show them being sexy yields rewards (a July 2012 study in Sex Roles reveals the latest). As we‘ve written about before, even girls’ TOYS and cartoon characters are sexualized to the extreme these days.

    But when we fixate on the inches showing we are missing the point.

    When we judge girls and women for the skin they are or are not showing, we are minimizing them to their bodies and repeating the same lies that females are only bodies in need of judgment and fixing.

    We are even perpetuating the shame-inducing belief that female bodies are sinful and impure, and must be covered to protect boys and men who can’t be held responsible for their thoughts or actions.

    ….. Modesty is defined differently by different cultures – even different families – and it’s time to stop shaming people into covering themselves and start teaching truths that need shouted from the rooftop: We are more than just bodies to be looked at.

((( click here to read the rest )))
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Related posts this blog:

(Link): Modesty: A Female-Only Virtue? – Christian Double Standards – Hypocrisy

(Link): The Annoying, Weird, Sexist Preoccupation by Christian Males with Female Looks and Sexuality

(Link): A Grown-Up, Not Sexed-Up, View of Womanhood (article) – how Christian teachings on gender and singlehood contribute to raunch culture and fornication etc

(Link): Gender Complementarian Product for Females: Don’t Base Your Value on Your Looks, but Wait, Yes, You Should

(Link): Atlantic: “The case for abandoning the myth that ‘women aren’t visual.’”

(Link): Ryan Gosling and Shirtless, Buff Cowboy Photos on Social Media – Yes, Women Are Visually Stimulated and Visually Oriented (Part 2)

(Link): Funny Satirical Piece: Woman Mocks Demands for Female Modesty By Shaming Males (and their judgy Mothers) For Being Immodest

‘Why Are You Single’ Lists That Do Not Pathologize Singles by Bella DePaulo

‘Why Are You Single’ Lists That Do Not Pathologize Singles

I despise the “why you are still single” articles and books and blogs. They are often predicated upon the false assumption that all people still single past a certain age are un-marriageable, that they are not attractive enough, or have some kind of character flaw preventing them from marrying. Such articles or books are cruel, obnoxious, and stupid.

Many of the articles also buy into idiotic gender stereotypes, such as ‘all men love long hair, so if you want a spouse, ladies, you best grow your hair down to your ass.’

(Link): ‘Why Are You Single’ Lists That Do Not Pathologize Singles

Excerpts:

    Don’t let ‘why are you single’ lists get you down

Published on December 13, 2013 by Bella DePaulo, Ph.D. in Living Single

There are a lot of “why are you single” lists popping up these days. I have mostly stopped clicking on the links. Maybe some of them are fine.

Back when I used to look at them, though, far too often they came with an attitude that was insulting to single people— that all single people are single because there is something wrong with them and they need to be fixed.

That’s an example of singlism and like all instances of that prejudice, it is unfair to single people.

Only rarely did the authors ever concede that some people are single because that’s exactly what they want.

Maybe they are even single-at-heart—not only do they like living single, but that’s how they lead their best, most meaningful, and most authentic lives.

My concern about these lists is that some single people might internalize the blame that is inherent in some of them. So as a countermeasure, here are some of my own writings on the topic. Included are some examples of how to critically assess these kinds of claims about single people and how to use the same standards for thinking about married people that are used to judge single people.

(Link): The last ‘why are you single’ list you will ever need

(Link): ‘Why are you single’ meets ‘why are you married’

(Link): “So why have you never been married?” A case study in accidental singlism

(Link): Here’s the answer you are not allowed to give if you are single

(Link): CNN: ‘Still single? What’s the matter with you?’

(Link): Americans just want to be single?

(Link): Why remarry? The best and worst answers and the set-up in the question


Related Posts:

(Link): The Study of Why Men Stay Single: What No One Is Telling You by B. DePaulo

(Link):  The Reason Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others by D. Brennan

(Link): Unmarried / Single People Are Supposedly Bitter & Have Too Much Baggage – and that’s why you’re still single they say

(Link):  Christian Blogger About Divorce, Pastor Andrew Webb, Thinks All To Most Mid-Life Never – Married or Single – Again Adults Are Mal-Adjusted, Ugly Losers Who Have Too Much Baggage

(Link): Another Obnoxious ‘Why You’re Not Married Yet‘ Article

(Link): A Long Time Single Responds to a ‘Why You’re Not Married’ Article

(Link): Myths About Never Married Adults Over Age 40

(Link): Slut? Selfish? Sad? No, just a single woman (editorial)

(Link): 34 Year Old Single Woman Harassed by Relatives at Wedding Over Why She Is Not Married Yet Asks How To Get Them to STFU About Her Singleness

(Link): I’m Single, But I’m Still a Whole Person (article)

(Link): Never Married Christians Over Age 35 who are childless Are More Ignored Than Divorced or Infertile People or Single Parents

(Link):  Women: Stop Asking Pat Robertson For Romantic Relationship Advice – Whether You Are Divorced or Single  – Pat Robertson Replies to Letter from Four Time Divorced Woman Who Wants to Know If God Will Send Her a Non-Abusive Husband

And They Like to Caution Single Women About Being “Too Picky” Check this nauseatingly too picky list by a single 39 year old who will die single

And They Like to Caution Single Women About Being “Too Picky” Check this nauseatingly too picky list by a single 39 year old who will die single

This 39 year old man (he goes by the screen name “Romeo Rose” as well as “Sleepless in Austin”) will never, ever get married, unless he happens across a very, very emotionally damaged, codependent woman, they are the only sort who would go along with this, but then, he might not meet one who is a red head, sans glasses, etc etc…

This makes me glad that I’m single.

(Link): Delusional Man-Child Has Most Incredible List of Dating Requirements

This is the summary of his list, along with the intro from his site’s home page; you will have to click the link above to see the entire thing:

    I am willing to pay anyone $1,500 as a finders fee for anyone that can help find me a girlfriend. (I will give you a extra $1,000 as a bonus if this turns into marriage, I offer this extra bonus as I hope it will motivate you to find me a woman of great quality)

    I will not date an overweight girl
    I will not date a black girl
    I do not like glasses on a girl
    I will not date a girl that does not have a job
    I do not like tattoos on a woman
    I do not like gamblers
    I do not like strippers
    I will not date a girl that has had a threesome
    I will not date a girl if she is still friends with an ex
    I do not want a girlfriend that has breast implants
    I have a very high sex drive

I hope you enjoy growing old totally alone, dude, or that you like paying for sex.

His list is actually way worse than you see above, because he gets into nit pickier details under each main point. It’s fairly ridiculous.

Oddly enough, this selfish, entitled man also has this on his list of wants:

    I will not date a selfish woman. I do not like selfish women at all.

From his site:

    I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans body often times.

    They end up with stretch marks.

    And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was!

    Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance.

-I don’t even know what to say about that.

He apparently works as a photographer (at least someone on another site said this is the guy’s photography page):

(Link): Lonely, entitled, too judgemental and picky about women Single Guy’s Photography page
-by the way, guys like him are single because they are selfish, entitled, and unrealistic.

They are not single “because of feminism” – I’m not saying that is necessarily true of this Romeo guy, but a lot of guys who have a difficult time getting girlfriends often blame feminism (see (Link): Christian Males Blaming their Unwanted Protracted Singleness on Feminism – They have the wrong target)

I’m fine with singles of either gender having preferences (including regarding physical appearances of people they’d like to date), but when your list of preferences is twenty feet long and some of it is sexist or hypocritical, er, no.

However, the people in the Jezebel comments are off base by saying anyone who says “I like all music except for rap” is racist.

You got it: I am not racist but don’t like most rap. I also dislike most heavy metal and country music that is too hick-i-fied. Some country is okay, but some of it is annoying.

Said a commentator on the Jezebel page about this guy:

    Oh, and you missed something that another commenter pointed out: he did an AMA on Reddit.

    in his AMA, he explains that the reason he would never date a woman who had been with a Black man is because he considers it “ALMOST the same thing as beastiality, because black people look like apes, monkeys and gorillas.”

Several people have suggested that he’s trolling people, and this is all a publicity stunt to get attention.

Some also say that he posts to PUA type threads on reddit. Figures. He does give off that kind of vibe.

October 10, 2013 update at Jezebel:

New developments about this sexist, weirdo, nit picky guy, hosted on the Jezebel site – this weirdo has been sending gross texts to women:

(Link to Jezebel page): [Update] Inevitably Disgusting Sexts From the Racist ‘Sleepless in Austin’ Dude

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Related posts this blog

(Link): Nice Guys: Scourge of the Single Woman

(Link): Blogs by Single Women Who Discuss the Weirdos, Perverts and Losers Who Contact Them on Dating Sites

Weird Marriages – Male Solider is Britain’s first transgender Muslim woman and is now MARRIED (to a male Muslim)

Weird Marriages – Male Solider is Britain’s first transgender Muslim woman and is now MARRIED (to a male Muslim)

😯

1. I’m sorry to see he (she?) fell for the cliched advice to single women about “grow your hair long if you want a man”

2. There is nothing “peaceful” about Islam

3. Thank God I’m still single and am not having sex. This article is a boost for those days I feel bad about being single and celibate.

(Link): Former Territorial Army male soldier, 28, becomes Britain’s first transgender Muslim woman and is now MARRIED

    • -Lucy Vallender had a sex change in 2010 and converted to Islam last year
    • -Says she had been a TA private in Gloucestershire but gave up after a year
She's a Man, Baby!
She’s a Man, Baby!
    • -‘I tried to do macho things but I was trying to be someone I wasn’t,’ she says
    • -Met already married Murad online but he didn’t know she was once a man
    • -They wed in April on first meeting and have met twice for sex since, she says
    -But her local mosque have barred her after she refused to pray with men

By MARTIN ROBINSON
PUBLISHED: 4 September 2013

A former trained soldier has swapped her Territorial Army beret for a veil and become Britain’s first transgender Muslim woman.

Lucy Vallender used to be called Laurens and says she is finally ‘true to herself’ after a sex change three years ago.

The 28-year-old is now married to a Muslim man she met on an online dating site, but he did not know she was once a man when they wed.

She now wears a full veil outside her Swindon home to show the world she is married.

… After quitting the TA the 28-year-old started dressing as a woman and had relationships with men.

She also grew her hair and had hormone therapy before her life-changing operation.

… Miss Vallender told her GP she was ‘in the wrong body’ and three years ago had her sex change.

In another major life change, she then converted to Islam because it promoted peace last September.

‘I had thought about it for a while but it is such a taboo I thought,’ she said.

‘But I did it because it is a nice religion – so peaceful.

… Her conversion to Islam followed last Autumn and then she married Murad at a small ceremony at his home in London.

‘I love him, he’s kind and soft spoken,’ she said.

‘I’ve seen him twice since the wedding . When I do we have sex.

‘I didn’t tell him I was transsexual but he must have suspected it as he he’s seen my scars.’

But she has run into trouble with her local mosque in Swindon, Wiltshire, as they would not let her pray with the other women.

Miss Vallender says she has been victimised by worhippers, who she says have asked her personal, and banned her because she is a transexual, and she wants to ‘get justice’ for transgender and Muslim people.

…’The way they treated me was disgusting.

‘They asked me questions about my bra cup size, asked about my Adam’s apple, about my period and asked to see my birth certificate.

How Not to Help All the Single Ladies (excellent article)

This is an excellent editorial about single women from a Christian source. Most Christian commentary on singleness sucks, but this was good.

(Link): How Not to Help All the Single Ladies

    Blaming women for their own singleness is about as productive as a ‘Cosmo’ checklist.

    by Sharon Hodde Miller

    [snip comments about her meeting with middle aged Christian women friends who had never married]

    Several weeks later, I spoke with another friend across the country who also wondered at her singleness and ached to find a godly man.

    In each of these conversations, I struggled to find the right words.

    Part of me wanted to shout, “What’s wrong with men? These ladies are amazing! They should be fighting guys off with a bat.”

    But the situation is more complicated than that. For one, women in the American church outnumber men. In 2009, sociologist Mark Regnerus reported in CT that there are 3 single women for every 2 single men. Simply put, there aren’t enough Christian men to go around.

    Add to that the elements of romantic chemistry, life circumstances, and God’s providence—all factors that are simply out of one woman’s control. It’s not her fault, and there’s nothing wrong with her. Nevertheless, most longtime single women are tempted to pause and wonder, Is it me?

    Don’t get me wrong. There are certainly single women out there who have difficult personalities.

    But, there are married women with equally challenging personalities who still managed to find a mate.

    Having a strong personality or being independent or failing to look like a supermodel are not deterrents to finding a spouse.

    Dating is not simple. There is no tried and true formula.

    Which is why I become frustrated whenever I come across articles, blog posts and books purporting to tell women why they are still single, and how they should act to snag a man.

    Continue reading “How Not to Help All the Single Ladies (excellent article)”

It’s Okay To Call A Guy Creepy (article) / Little Sympathy for Ugly Single Guys

It’s Okay To Call A Guy Creepy (article) / Little Sympathy for Ugly Single Guys

Before I get to the “It’s Okay To Call A Guy Creepy” article, I wanted to comment on all the guys out there who perceive themselves as being ugly- to- average looking who are angry at women who they feel only want to date really good-looking guys.

I have little sympathy for most of these men, because women in American culture have been heavily judged on their looks alone for many, many decades, and they still are.

There are times I will defend un-married males on this blog where I feel they are genuinely under attack from whomever, but other times, I feel their complaints are unfounded, whiny, or grossly exaggerated, and this is one of those times.

When I was growing up, I (and I am a female) went through a “tubby” phase around junior high school age (ages 11 – 13), where I also had acne, wore thick glasses, and had frizzy hair. Both genders let me know at that time of life I was ugly. But the males in particular were very cruel to me about it.

I never got dates in my teen years. Boys did not flirt with me or ask me out. They would spit on me, pull my hair, gather in circles around me on the bus ride home to tease me with cruel put- downs until I cried, and then make fun of me for crying.

Men are total unreasonable, unrealistic jerks when it comes to judging women on their looks. They really are – from the time they are teen-agers to grown men, males will dismiss women on their looks alone.

All men, Christian and Non, from the scrawny, un-muscular, geeky, dorky guy, to the sloppy, fat, obese, 956 pound bald male, all feel entitled to a thin, gorgeous, movie star Megan Fox look-alike.

When on dating sites, the only criteria men care about – even the so-called “Christian” ones – are what women look like.

Men look at a woman’s profile photos on dating sites but never read the damn profiles, where you, the woman, mention what your favorite band is, what your hobbies are, and so forth. All the men care about is your damn physical appearance.

Female politicians get hammered for their weight, hair styles, and wrinkles in the media and from everyday commentators on sites, but the male politicians seldom get scrutinized or criticized for their fat bellies or balding heads or wrinkles.

Teen-aged girls and women are judged harshly by men in the area of looks.

I was just told by a sexist Christian idiot on another site about a week ago that now that I’m in my early 40s that the “bloom is off your youthful beauty,” so no man will want me now, according to this guy. I’ve seen that same view by Christian men (and on occasion by married women) on other sites or in books about singles.

Most dating advice books and blogs aimed at women, even the Christian ones, wrongly assume that the reason women remain single is that they must be ugly or fat, so women (or teen-aged girls) are told in such material to lose weight, diet, have long hair, wear lip stick all the time, and look pretty.

I have never really seen males get instructed by other males in dating advice sites to stay thin, work out at the gym, use Rogaine (if they are balding), etc. I suppose you could cite an example or two, but by and large, I have not seen men advised to shed extra pounds, get in shape, or get a toupee.

Historically in American culture, males have had no where near the pressure to look beautiful that females have.

But it is true that women love good-looking, built men. This is a fact that is over-looked by conservative Christians.

I’ve blogged about this subject many times before, such as (Link): Superman, Man Candy -and- Christian Women Are Visual And Enjoy Looking At Built, Hot, Sexy Men, (Link): Atlantic: “The case for abandoning the myth that ‘women aren’t visual.’” and (Link): Women Are Visual And Like Hot Looking Men (Part 1) Joseph in Genesis Was A Stud Muffin.

We women get the message from preachers and Christian dating blogs that we’re not supposed to be too picky when selecting a Christian mate. We single ladies are not supposed to care about the guy’s money, the guy’s looks – but, rather, that he reads his Bible daily and hands out rice on yearly missionary trips to Africa, and so on.

You Christian men (and the Non Christian men) are let off the “stay in shape, exercise, and diet” responsibility hook, but women are still expected to be youthful, pretty, and thin if they hope to get a spouse.

Even though most women are visual, some of them are willing to date an ugly- to- average looking guy, if he has some other feature they find compelling, such as he’s very funny, sweet, wealthy, attentive, interesting, or romantic.

I seldom see hot- looking (or even ugly or average looking) men willing to date ‘ugly- but- sweet,’ or ‘average-looking but funny’ women. Many women are more willing more often to bend their criteria in the ‘physical appearance department’ when it comes to who they date, than men are.

Women have a right to be attracted to whomever they are attracted to; they are under no obligation to date men they do not consider physically attractive or men they find odd or dorky. Men have had this right for ages and ages, but women are expected by most Christians -and all ugly men themselves- to date ugly or average-looking men.

(Link): It’s Okay To Call A Guy Creepy

Excerpts:

    by HUGO SCHWYZERJUN
    June 27 2013

    What SNL [television show Saturday Night Live] played [the situation of good looking men scoring with women while the ugly men are regarded as creepy by women] for laughs, many men (and some women) took – and still take – seriously: Some men can’t win with women, these people believe, no matter what they do or say.

    This attitude is best observed in the recent backlash against calling men “creepy.”

    “Creep is the worst thing you can call a man,” wrote Jeremy Gordon for the Hairpin, pointing out it’s an impossible charge for a guy to disprove.

    As Gordon writes, “creepy is a vibe you can’t define… you just know it.”

    Others argue that “creepiness” connotes something specific: male homeliness.

    Men’s rights activist Robert Lindsay titled a post “Creepy” is Woman Speak for “An Unattractive Man Who Shows Interest In Me,” while Thought Catalog’s Johanna de Silentio wrote that “there are also a lot of guys who are labeled ‘creepy’ just because they happen to be really unattractive.”

    I often hear something similar in my gender studies classes. (It was in a “Men and Masculinity” course years ago where an anguished young man first drew my attention to the Brady skit.)

    Whenever the subject of sexual harassment or “creep-shaming” comes up in class, someone– almost always a man– makes the case that SNL was right: the only way for straight men to safely express sexual interest in women is to do so while following the skit’s three rules.

    With almost invariable bitterness, these young men complain that unless a guy has won striking good looks in the genetic lottery, he’s doomed to be rejected and seen as overstepping his boundaries, no matter what he does.

    …A society where people are judged by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin, he [a male student of Schwyzerjun’s] declared, should also be a society where men are judged “creepy” solely on the basis of their words and actions rather than their looks. He got cheers from several other guys in the classroom.

    … My student’s mistake is an obvious one: Enjoyment can’t be coerced. Congress can’t pass a law requiring people to be delighted by the advances of others they find unattractive.

    I can get my children to eat broccoli by alternating promises of rewards and punishments, but I cannot do anything to make my daughter love vegetables as much as she loves ice cream.

    Similarly, no law can compel “Ashley,” a barista at the local coffee shop, to feel the same way about the advances of an older co-worker whom she finds repellant as she does about those of the young hottie who joins her on the opening shift.

    Until recently, however, few women could make sexual choices based primarily on physical desire and emotional attraction.

    In a world where few women had the opportunity to prosper without a man’s protection, marriage was about survival. The more educational and economic opportunities women acquire, the more opportunity they have to choose based on what they want rather than what they need for survival.

    As Daniel Bergner’s bestselling What Do Women Want? argues, once you level the economic playing field, women are just as likely as men to make sexual decisions based on desire alone.

    … Men’s rage about sexual harassment regulations and “creep-shaming” may well be rooted in an unwillingness to accept these cultural changes that have given women unprecedented power to say “no” to the lecherous and the predatory.

    Complaints that unattractive, socially awkward men are unfairly labeled “creepy” miss the point. “Creepy” describes having “the creeps;” it’s a word that centers on women’s own feelings.

    It’s no more “unfair” for Ashley the hypothetical barista to be “creeped out” by the advances of an older, unappealing co-worker than it is for her to be excited by the same approach from the man to whom she’s attracted. In that sense, the SNL sketch got to an important truth: Women’s subjective experiences and instincts matter.

    The freedom to act on those instincts doesn’t just lead to romantic fulfillment. In his indispensable 1997 bestseller The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker encourages women to rely on their own intuition to keep themselves safe from violence.

    There are few things more risky, de Becker argues, than overriding one’s own sense of real danger (“the creeps”) for the sake of preserving a relationship – or simply being “nice” to a stranger.

    Crucially, de Becker points out that people-pleasing and the urge to avoid causing offense put more women in danger than acting on sexual attraction.

    Women are more likely to be assaulted because they were too polite to someone whom they sensed was creepy than because they were too responsive to the charms of someone who turned them on.

    When men complain about being “creep-shamed,” or insist that the Tom Brady sketch accurately reflects reality, what they’re really lamenting is a culture that is increasingly willing to honor women’s right to be sexual — and women’s right to be safe.

Goodness knows I was judged harshly by males as a teen girl, then, when I lost the weight and the acne cleared up, I was lusted after in my 20s and 30s in person by men who I found to be CREEPY, dorky, ugly or weird, or, in a few cases, by guys that were attractive and okay, but I was just not interested in them romantically.

I’m on dating sites now, and I am still getting judged on my appearance by men of all ages, from their 20s, 30s, and some in their 60s and 70s, who want to date me.

Women are routinely judged on their looks alone by males, all through their life, from their girlhood to their senior years, so no, I can’t feel sorry for the dorky, scrawny, ugly, or fat guys who are upset that some women turn them down for not looking like Brad Pitt.

I used to get turned down for not looking like Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie, but I don’t quite hate the entire male gender for it. I accepted it and worked on my looks – which worked, because guys began asking me out. I do think males need to consider other qualities in a woman other than her looks, however.
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Some guy left a post replying to this one; I did not approve it to appear, but wrote about it here:
(Link): Follow up: Bitter Guy Replies to ‘It’s Okay To Call A Guy Creepy (article) / Little Sympathy for Ugly Single Guys’
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Related posts this blog:

(Link): Nice Guys: Scourge of the Single Woman

(Link): Nice Guys – the bitter single men who complain women don’t like nice men

(Link): Testosterone-Deficient Gamma Male Whines About the ‘Friend Zone’ (post from The Other McCain) – AKA, Ugly, Fat, Weird, Awkward, or Poor Nice Guys Who Unrealistically Expect to Attract Rich, Pretty, Thin, Socially Normal Women

Conservative Christian Sexist Immature Imbecilic Pressure on Women to Look Pretty and Skinny and to Put Out Sexually

Conservative Christian Sexist Immature Imbecilic Pressure on Women to Look Pretty and Skinny and to Put Out Sexually

Two posts from Christianty Today:

(Link 1): I’m Sick of Hearing About Your Smoking Hot Wife

(Link 2): Stay Sexy or Else? Well, Please Forgive These Mommy Hips

I’ve written about this situation in several older posts.

Christians, particularly certain types of Christian men – either the old fogies (as in they are in their 60s or older) who are still stuck in a 1950s American sexist mentality; or the younger (as they are in their 30s, 40s, and 50s), skinny- jeans wearing, YRR, Neo Calvinist type preachers and their devotees – keep telling Christian women that their looks really, really matter.

Some of these pastors or Christian television hosts – who are frat boys in grown men’s bodies – will sometimes toss out qualifiers or disclaimers to young girls and women in their sermons or blogs, such as, “But remember your value lies in your identity in Christ,” or some such spiritual-sounding platitude, but, their on-going, slavish obsession with telling women to look hot and sexy, be skinny, and please their husbands in the bedroom (even when they are feeling sick), are truer to how they really think and feel about the female gender.

Sometimes, female gender complementarians buy into this sexist, unbiblical nonsense too, and sell it to other Christian women (see this post: “Gender Complementarian Product for Females: Don’t Base Your Value on Your Looks, but Wait, Yes, You Should”).

I’ve yet to hear a male pastor tell his male audience that they must perform sexually no matter what, whenever their wife wants sex, even if the husband is feeling ill. Yet Christian women are subjected to this nauseating swill and pap on a pretty regular basis, and the preaching of this message seems to have increased in frequency in the last few years.

Other than one male Christian blogger who says that males need to stay in shape as well as ladies, I’ve not seen any Christian males, and certainly not any big name pastors (or even any small potato pastors) instruct the men folk to stay trim, muscular, and get hair plugs for the women in their lives.

Looks matter to women, even to Christian ones. They really do, even to the women who try to sound spiritual on the internet by saying, “Oh gosh, I don’t care what a man looks like, as long as he loves Jesus.” These women are in denial. No woman alive is into flabby, obese guys, and most prefer hair. And teeth. But you won’t hear your preacher say any of this from the pulpit or in blogs or books.

Here is a copy of “Stay Sexy or Else? Well, Please Forgive These Mommy Hips” by Janelle Aijian

    Some Christian marriage conferences and self-help books tell us it’s up to the wife to stay looking great and try new things in the bedroom, to (Link): keep her husband satisfied and her marriage strong.

    Mary DeMuth (Link): recently critiqued the popular “smoking hot wife” line, pointing out that for the many Christian wives recovering from experiences of sexual abuse, this kind of imperative makes the difficult path towards healthy intimacy even harder. For a woman trying to find a way to lower defenses, shake off memories, and find true, godly communion with a spouse, being told to act the part of the sexy wife is 11 steps in the wrong direction.

    But the real problem with all this evangelical sex talk is even bigger than that. Any woman trying to live intimately with her husband gets damaged by these sorts of claims, not just those who are recovering from abuse. It’s antithetical to the Christian view of marriage altogether.

    As we remind Christian couples to “stay in shape and try new things,” we can play into a broader cultural premise on sex—that it’s all right to leave a spouse once the spark of sexual excitement and attraction has dissipated, that couples who don’t find sex exciting anymore don’t, won’t, or even shouldn’t, stay together. An adventurous sex life becomes the unspoken requirement for lifelong monogamy.

    Once that idea gets in a woman’s head, it’s hard to shake it. In the back of her mind, she knows the choice to have children also means changing her body forever. Her shape will become different. The sex will be different. Amid the vulnerability of pregnancy and childbirth, women face the fear of becoming less attractive to their husbands, who are meant to find them sexy for years and years to come if they want their marriage to last.
    Continue reading “Conservative Christian Sexist Immature Imbecilic Pressure on Women to Look Pretty and Skinny and to Put Out Sexually”

Article: Scientists: Why penis size does matter [to women]

Scientists: Why penis size does matter

Was it really necessary for whomever put that page together, “Why penis size does matter,” to introduce it with a huge photo of actor Jon Hamm at the top?

Anyway. Males, and yes, this would include Christian ones, put way too much emphasis upon female appearance.

As I’ve discussed before and will no doubt mention again, even Christian material on dating and how to get married aimed at females pushes the appearance thing to ladies to such a degree that it’s quite sexist.

Frequently, singe Christian ladies – and single Non-Christian ladies – are told in dating and marriage advice literature that if they want a boyfriend or husband, they will need to become stick thin, grow their hair out, wear fetching attire and make-up, because men, we ladies are forever told, are “visually wired” and apparently care more about looks than anything else in a woman.

The fact of the matter is a lot of women, both Christian and Non, judge men based on their appearance. Women prefer to date and marry hot, sexy men who have nice physiques. This is news that I think makes a lot of men uncomfortable. Many men don’t want to be held to the same standards of appearance, which tend to be very unrealistic and stringent, as they subject women to.

I am still intending on doing a post about all that in the future.

I came across this today, and I’m sure this is another factor most men would like to ignore or wish away:

(Link): Scientists: Why penis size does matter – Bigger is better, at least according to new research

By Chris Gayomali | April 9, 2013

Women prefer big penises, thunders a new study published this week in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, or PNAS. (Say it out loud.)

Researchers had 105 heterosexual Australian women (average age: 26) rate 49 computer-generated nude images of male bodies. Their task? To rate each CGI-bro on a scale of 1 to 7, with each figure controlled for three different traits: Height, shoulder-hip ratio, and flaccid penis size.

Here’s the sexy stuff the women were asked to look at: [visit their page to view image]

After controlling for the other two variables (height and shoulder-hip ratio), Australian National University researchers were able to confirm their suspicions: Bigger is better, at least according to this group of heterosexual Australian women asked to rate these ghostly, faceless renderings of the male body.

Continue reading “Article: Scientists: Why penis size does matter [to women]”

How Christians Keep Christians Single (part 3) – Restrictive Gender Roles Taught as Biblical

How Christians Keep Christians Single part 3 – Restrictive Gender Roles Taught as Biblical

Christian males are being taught to turn their noses up at perfectly good Christian single women due to complementarian gender role teachings and unrealistic ideas about female beauty. Read it here:

(Link): Feminism and Me: When I cannot cook but I am still a person by Emily Joy Allison

Excerpts:
————————
The first time I began to wonder if perhaps the evangelical narrative of gender roles I’d absorbed needed a little tweaking, I was 19 years old and finishing my first year of bible college, and I was in love with him. I sometimes like to think that he was in love with me too (a story for another day), but only to the extent that a heart as superficial as his could possibly be. One morning after a particularly intense cup of coffee the night before, I woke up to a novel in my inbox which basically boiled down to “I like you but you are unsuitable because you are initiatory in your relationships with men and also you cannot clean or cook.”

I began to ask questions like, So what if I can’t cook? So what if I’m expressive in my relationships with men? Does that make me less desirable as a spouse? Is this what the church is teaching people these days? Does every Christian man feel this way?

As it turned out, a lot of them did.
Continue reading “How Christians Keep Christians Single (part 3) – Restrictive Gender Roles Taught as Biblical”

*They’re Married?!?* Does God Require Singles to Be Perfect Before He Will Send Them a Spouse

They’re Married?? – Does God Require Singles to Be Perfect Before He Will Send Them a Spouse – (Part 3) (see previous posts in this series (Link): by clicking here)

At the risk of coming across like a big meanie, here is part 3 in an on-going, “They’re married??” series.

Why am I doing this?

Because there is false, un-biblical teachings from some American Christians that singles who want marriage must qualify in some manner before God will permit them marriage or send them a spouse.

Common requirements spouted off by Christians to un-married Christians to merit marriage, are listed as follows (there are others, but they escape me at the moment):

  • You cannot have any “baggage” (i.e, have flaws, history of any sin at all, made mistakes in your life)
  • You have to be “content in your singleness” at all times
  • You have to be spiritually mature
  • You have to be thin and good-looking (for females; hypocritically, this standard is not applied to males 99% of the time by most Christians)

According to most Christian advice for Christian singles in blogs or books or television programs, an unmarried Christian must obtain pure, total sanctification in this life time and reach perfection, otherwise God will not send them a mate.

However, I have seen plenty of spiritually immature, old- fashioned- regular immature, stupid, poor, idiotic, ugly, fat Christians get married. So obviously, God is not holding brains, maturity, contentment, or whatever else, up as requirements for marriage.

The Old Testament alludes to the fact that Leah was not “easy on the eyes,” and was older than her sister Rachel, yet she got married first, to Jacob. So much for the common teaching among Christians that women have to look like, or be, perpetual 20 year old, stick thin blonde movie goddesses before they can get a man.

Next up is this photo of this newly married couple (I did not write the word “moar” on it; I found the photo like this on another site).

Notice that the groom and bride, (at least in my opinion, and I’d wager in most people’s opinions), are not all that physically attractive. Both are overweight:

Wedding Cake
Wedding Cake Photo

So, contrary to most advice aimed at Christian ladies on the internet and in books, a woman does not have to be stick thin to get a husband.

Though I can see how it may take a bit longer for un-attractive people to land a spouse, given how shallow and entitled some Christian men are about physical appearance.

Still, it is not out of the realm of possibility for a chunky woman to get a man. I am fit and thin myself, but being pretty / thin is no guarantee of getting a mate, either.


Related Posts:

(Link):  Salvation By Marriage Alone – The Over Emphasis Upon Marriage by Conservative Christians Evangelicals Southern Baptists

(Link):  Christians Advise Singles To Follow Certain Dating Advice But Then Shame, Criticize, or Punish Singles When That Advice Does Not Work

(Link):How Married Christians, Churches, Conservative Christianity and Christian Dating Advice Books and Teachings about Sex, and Sexuality Purity are Keeping Christians Single Into Their 30s, 40s, and Older

(Link):  The Holy Spirit Sanctifies a Person Not A Spouse – Weekly Christian Marriage Advice Column Pokes Holes in Christian Stereotype that Marriage Automatically Sanctifies People

(Link): How Christians Have Failed on Teaching Maturity and Morality Vis A Vis Marriage / Parenthood – Used as Markers of Maturity Or Assumed to be Sanctifiers

(Link):  Consider The Source: Christians Who Give Singles Dating Advice Also Regularly Coach Wives to Stay in Abusive Marriages

(Link): Unmarried and Childless Women Are the Happiest, Happiness Expert Claims (2019 Study)

(Link): Following the Usual Advice Won’t Get You Dates or Married – Even Celebrities Have A Hard Time

(Link):  Depressing Testimony: “I Was A Stripper but Jesus Sent Me A Great Christian Husband”

(Link):  Some Christians Have Some Very Strange, Unsettling,  Creepy, or Authoritarian Ideas About Marriage, Divorce, or Mate Selection – and they think they should make your life choices for you

(Link): Typical Incorrect Conservative Christian Assumption: If you want marriage bad enough, Mr. Right will magically appear

Part 2, The Parable of the Neglected Unmarried – Single – Christian

Part 2, The Parable of the Neglected Unmarried Christian
———————-
(Link): Part 1: The World Does Not Need Another Marriage Sermon
———————-
The end of Part 1 read:
While the conservative Christians remain fixated on giving yet more marriage sermons, and bemoaning the liberal attacks on “traditional families” and “traditional marriage” they continue to ignore the needs and problems and mere existence of people over the age of 30 who are not married or who have never been married.

———————
–The Parable of the Neglected Unmarried Christian–

Jesus Christ told the story of the Good Samaritan. In that story, several people, including a priest (on his way to temple – “church” – services, I take it), walked on by the guy who was bloodied, beaten to a pulp, and on the ground and didn’t help the guy.

How many pastors and Christian organizations today keep on walking past the bloodied, bruised, hurting, scared, lonely, frustrated or confused, un-married adults over the age of 30, and do not stop to help them?

Cliches and platitudes, lectures, and un-solicited advice hurled at un-married Christians who desire marriage (such as “serve more!,” “read your Bible more!” “Jesus is all you need, He is sufficient!,” “be content in your singleness,” etc.) are not help, by the way. Nor are those approaches helpful.

Most of the Christians walk on by the bloodied, hurting older Christian singles (and other sorts of hurting Christians, such as those who are grieving over the death of a loved one) because they are in a rush to attend their church services to give (or to listen to) another sermon on marriage and parenting, or the threats of liberalism on “traditional family values and the American constitution.”

(Don’t forget the sermons about tithing and how to be financially successful, pastors love those too.)

So imagine that there is an un-married Christian who was attacked and left for dead on the side of the road, and she keeps getting passed by other Christians who notice her, but who do nothing to truly help.

To put another twist on this story, if we were running it parallel to that of Christ, who made the ‘much- hated- by- the- Jews’ Samaritan Guy the “hero” of His version of the story, it would probably be a homosexual, liberal, atheist, pot-smoking, long-haired Democrat who would stop and offer actual and practical assistance to the bloodied, wounded, un-married Christian on the side of the road.

Yes, contemporary, conservative Christianity’s greatest enemy would be the hero of this version of the Good Samaritan story, which most conservative, American Christians would likely identify as a homosexual, atheistic, Democrat (and, for those pastors still ten years or more behind culture trends, an enemy who also plays “Dungeons and Dragons” and reads “Harry Potter” books).

I can see that scenario happening.

I can totally see an evangelical Christian pausing to tell the wounded, and possibly dying, un-married Christian on the road side,

    “Lady, I’m sorry you’re hurting and beaten, but I’m on my way to baby sit in the church’s nursery and write another book about the importance of children and the horror of legalized abortion!

    Children are so important to the church, more so than any hurting un-married adult.

    Children are the future of America and the Christian church! They are our only hope for spreading the Gospel!

    I’ve decided to ignore the Bible passages where Christ says that one’s spiritual family is to take precedence over blood relations, and the parts that talk about converting Non Christians outside my family. Who needs any of that?

    The homosexuals and liberals are trying to destroy the traditional family and traditional marriage, and Muslims are out-breeding the Christians; that will never do.

    I simply must care for Christian youth first and foremost and really shout about the urgent need for Christian pro-creation.

    Wish you well, but I gotta go now!”

Next, I can see Southern Baptist president Al Mohler stopping for a bit, but only to offer absolutely no practical help to the injured, un-married Christian woman, but only to give her a condescending, judgmental lecture
(please click the “Read More” link to read the rest of the post):

Continue reading “Part 2, The Parable of the Neglected Unmarried – Single – Christian”

Typical Incorrect Conservative Christian Assumption: If you want marriage bad enough, Mr. Right will magically appear

Typical Conservative Assumption: If you want marriage bad enough (or at all), Mr. Right will magically appear

As I was saying in my last post:

What follows is a response to [Christian author] Regneus’ advice that Christian couples should marry by age 23.

I didn’t get my first boyfriend until age 27 or 28, so how does telling a woman to marry by 23 years of age really help?

Usually, most conservative Christians operate under the fallacy that if you pray long and hard enough and have enough faith, God will send you a spouse, and at that, by the time you are somewhere between 25 – 35 years old. That does not work. Plenty of single Christian women who prayed and waited remain never-married well over the age of 35 years of age, including me.

There’s another version of that thinking, though. Instead of the old “pray, wait, and have faith” fairy tale, many conservative Christians -mostly married, I note without irony or surprise- continue to act like marrying is simply a matter of your will, that if you want marriage badly enough, “Mr. Right” will magically pop up on your front door step out of the blue.

That is not how it works.

I also think it would be pretty cool to be Queen over ancient Egypt and get to wear those awesome black wigs, big gold necklaces, and nifty ancient Egyptian clothes and cat-eye make-up, but I doubt that will happen either.

It's Magical
It’s Magical

However, if we apply standard conservative Christian thinking about marriage to other situations: because I want to be Queen of Ancient Egypt badly enough, I should magically wake up tomorrow on a litter filled with fluffy, luxurious pillows, being carried by six, muscular Egyptian slaves, and wearing one of those cool headdresses with a gold snake on top.

How many of you think that is going to happen? Me neither.

If you are a Christian woman looking for a Christian spouse and for true love – getting married is not simple or easy at all.

Continue reading “Typical Incorrect Conservative Christian Assumption: If you want marriage bad enough, Mr. Right will magically appear”

Conflicting Message to Christian Women by Christians About Physical Appearance

Conflicting Message to Christian Women by Christians About Physical Appearance

I plan on making a longer post later about how Christian dating and marriage advice often emphasizes the supposed necessity of the importance of a woman’s physical appearance – and how annoying this emphasis is – but this post, I wanted to keep this post a little short.

On the one hand, going back decades now, conservative American churches and other Christian entities have instructed unmarried women that if they want dates or a husband, they have to stay thin and attractive at all times.

This is the type of advice I would expect to see in secular sources pertaining to dating, and it is in fact often mentioned in secular sources, but it’s disappointing to see it on Christian sites, magazines, and so forth, but it is.

We Christian women get told repeatedly in Christian publications, blogs, radio shows, TV shows, and sermons, that Christian men -(really? This sounds more like it would be more true of secular men)- prefer sexy hotty totty sexy sexy women. Ergo, we Christian women must be clones of sex pot movie star Megan Fox or Jayne Mansfield at all times, until we die. We are not allowed to age, get wrinkles, or facial lines.

(By the way, this extreme, sexist, and unfair fixation on a woman’s looks has earned this topic the tag of “Lookism” on this blog, so if you want to see other posts, past or future, where I discuss this, please see the “Lookism” tag off to the side bar of this blog.)

Some pastors or Christian spokespersons, such as Mark Driscoll and Pat Robertson (see this post at this blog for more on that), have said that if a married man cheats on his wife (or is an alcoholic), it is totally understandable, reasonable, or expected, if the wife has “let herself go.” Married men have a right to cheat on their wife if their wife has gained weight or gotten wrinkles, is the implied message from these so-called Christian speakers.

Please, someone, point me to the Bible passage that says, “Thou shall not commit adultery, unless thy wife has gotten overweight, wrinkles, sags, or grey hair, in which case, I, your most Holy God, am all like, ‘Bro, I totally understand-eth! Thou art excused from the whole adultery thing.'”

So anyway, we women are told -indoctrinated and brainwashed constantly- since our youth, that our value as Christian women resides not in God, but in being quiet, submissive, and PRETTY (and as we get older, the characteristics of “being a wife and a mommy” are added), but BEING PRETTY is always on the list.

That message is obnoxious in and of itself, but what gets my goat is that it’s also frequently brandished along side this next sexist chestnut which conflicts with it; here it is:

Christian ladies, don’t be sexy because it might cause your “brothers in Christ” to “stumble.”

On the one hand, we Christian ladies are pressured to remain sexy, thin, and attractive, lest we turn off our husbands (if we have one), or, for those of us desiring marriage, lest we repel the single men out there, but, we should not look sexy because it might cause a man to have naughty, lustful thoughts.

So, according to a lot of conservative Christian authors, television hosts, and bloggers, I’m supposed to look sexy but not look sexy.
(Please click the “read more” link to read the rest of this post. Thanks)

Continue reading “Conflicting Message to Christian Women by Christians About Physical Appearance”

Following the Usual Advice Won’t Get You Dates or Married – Even Celebrities Have A Hard Time

I’ve noticed that in a lot of dating advice for Christian singles, we basically get blamed a lot for our singleness.

There are so many negative, insulting assumptions made about unmarried Christians in the process.

If you’re an unmarried Christian woman who desires marriage (assuming you don’t get the condescending, idiotic commentary that desiring marriage is tantamount to “idolizing” marriage which we sometimes do get from some Christian quarters), you will get all sorts of  other derogatory remarks.

Being Attractive, Thin, or Wealthy Does Not Mean You Are Guaranteed To Get Dates or a Spouse 

Many Christian blogs and books for singles (even for ones as young as 15, but even for adults past 30), whether written by males or females, assume if you’re a single woman who’s not married yet, it’s because you’re ugly or a “fatty” – or both.

You will be told you need to lose weight, wear make-up, and grow your hair out long if you want to get dates, and later, a spouse.

The “Just Grow Your Hair Long!” Cliche’

Supposedly, all men every where love, love, love and adore long hair, as in super long, past- the- shoulders- hair, a la Cher from the 1970s.

Such hair is impractical and a pain in the ass to care for.

(I’ve also seen Non-Christian single women complain about the “grow your hair long if you want to catch a man” advice from secular advice givers, so it’s not just Christian women who get this one.)

The world’s greatest sex symbol, who still tops lists and polls for “most sexy,” or “most beautiful,” even more than 40 years after her death, frequently wore her hair very short, even boyish at times – I am referring to American movie actress Marilyn Monroe.

Marilyn usually wore her hair short, or super short, and only wore it long for one movie role (in “River of No Return”), and maybe three, if you count two of her earliest films where she had bit parts.

Marilyn was married three times, twice when her hair was very short.

So obviously, men are not put off  by short hair, and advice-givers can drop that supposed requirement from the list of traits a woman must have if she wants marriage.

Christian Authors, Bloggers Rudely Assume: ‘If You Are Still Single, You Must Be Fat or Ugly or Weird’

One of the things I find offensive is that these blog writers and book writers, even the Christian ones, are assuming you are ugly or fat, even though they have no clue what you look like.

They seem to miss the point that you can be a completely attractive and thin person and still have a hard time meeting a mate.

This brings me to my next point… or two. (Please click the “read more” link below to read the rest of the post)

Continue reading “Following the Usual Advice Won’t Get You Dates or Married – Even Celebrities Have A Hard Time”