Entitled Controlling Bridezilla Makes Outrageous Picky Demands of Her Bridesmades
A bride to be sends out a series of incredibly obnoxious e-mails.
I have to wonder about demanding, petty bitches like this who get husbands, but much nicer women can’t even get a date. Other people in the comments wondered the same thing and surmised she is either super model quality in the looks dept, or she comes from a crazy wealthy family.
(Link): This Terrifying Bride Is Only Joking Except When She’s Not
I am only going to reproduce the first few e-mails this Bridezilla sent to her friends. If you want to see all of her amazingly entitled, bratty e-mails, please click the link above.
Everyone has a friend—a terrifying, beautiful friend—who wields humor the way ranchers wield cattle prods; who jokes, and teases, and Just kidding!s her underlings (“BFFs!”) toward the cliff-edge of nervous breakdown; whose sadism is impossible to fight against because it’s just a joke, why can’t you take a joke? Sometimes, that friend gets married.
The following emails were forwarded to us by a bridesmaid still dazed from her six-month tour in the war zone of her gal pal’s elegant destination wedding. They are a master class in the joking-but-not-joking-seriously-DON’T-cut-your-hair-without-my-permission style of friend management, where every “jest” (no bridesmaids were actually force-fed protein shakes to gain weight) is counteracted by a very real “offense” (one bridesmaid was asked to take diet pills).
All identifying information has been changed; emphasized words and phrases appear as they did in the correspondence (though we have swapped the fluorescent pink of the original text for a more subdued black). So sit back, pop a diet pill because you’re fat, and then pop a chill pill because can’t you take a joke, fattie? Jeez.
The emails from the Bridezilla, this is E-Mail 1:
Welcome to my bridal party. I thought today would be a great day to start this chain, as it is officially six months until my wedding day.
I just wanted to go over some ground rules.
1. Weigh-ins will begin in 3 weeks. I for one would really like some time after Thanksgiving to make my body forget about what it consumed, so I thought I would give you guys some cushion room
2. No-one can be skinner than the bride. That means Kelly and Lizzie will be on a protein weight gainer diet exclusively until May. I will have the nutritionist call you to discuss diet plans.
3. Bed times leading up to the wedding will be strictly enforced. I absolutely cannot have you all have saggy, baggy eyes. I am sure you all understand.
4. Swimwear attire: I would like everyone to wear matching bikinis that have rhinestones on the tushie spelling out “maids,” which brings me to my next point.
5. All bikinis leading up to the wedding must be strapless bandeaus. I cannot have terrible tan lines in strapless dresses.
6. Sunscreen: We need to make sure you ladies look lovely and radiant and not red and reptile like. Pack accordingly.
7. Speeches: We all know what happened at Taylor’s wedding. So if you plan to make a toast, please submit it for approval and revision, no later than 4 weeks prior to the wedding.
8. Hair cuts: If you plan on chopping off your locks, please submit your proposed new look prior to any actions (this applies to coloring as well).
9. Attendance: is strongly requested at all events but I will make some exceptions on a case by case basis.
10. Ink: Consider this a moratorium on future tattoos until June 5th. Those of you with visible artwork will be privately contacted with (temporary) removal instructions.
Thank you for your time and consideration. Should everyone abide by these minor requests, I am sure we will all have a memorable weekend.
Just kidding bitches, well, sorta. love you all,
It has been brought to my attention (picture proof) that one of my Maids is in violation of Rule 8 of the Bridal Party Contract. Rule 8 clearly stipulates that “If you plan on chopping off your locks, please submit your proposed new look prior to any actions (this applies to coloring as well).”
While I am sure this was a minor oversight by my bad little bee, I would like to remind everyone of the ramifications of violating any of the aforementioned rules. Failure to adhere to my commandments, can result in Bridalparty banishment!
I would appreciate a call from the hair-color-changing culprit immediately, with a proposed remedy by the end of the day.
The Queen Bee
Hello my workout bees,
I was thinking that we should start a daily google docs, where everyone can update in real time their daily calorie content. Due to exams, I have not been the very best at requesting our weekly weigh-ins but thought the food calculator would be a great way for me to monitor everyone’s caloric in take. Thoughts?
I hope everyone is doing well. Also, there will be a prize to the most obedient wedding bee 🙂 Kinda like an incentive.
Love you all & and see you all in 17 days!!!