Dear Abby: I Lost My Ability to Walk and Now My Boyfriend Treats Me Like Garbage – (Common Behavior of Pathological Narcissists & Other Abusers – They Resent Care Taking)

Dear Abby: I Lost My Ability to Walk and Now My Boyfriend Treats Me Like Garbage – (Common Behavior of Pathological Narcissists & Other Abusers – They Resent Care Taking)

Before I paste in a copy of the woman’s letter, I wanted to say the following:

I’m surprised that this lady had to write in to an advice columnist about this.

After all, it’s common knowledge in content about domestic violence and Narcissistic Abuse that abusive persons – and not all abuse is physical, sometimes it’s emotional or financial – will isolate you.

Abusers will try to cut you off from your friends and family.

Or, if you get into a position where you become isolated over the course of the relationship (ie, due to physical health problems, you cannot walk any more), some abusers will use that to abuse or manipulate you further or to start abusing you if they haven’t previously.

Sounds to me like this woman who wrote in to “Dear Abby” is married to a Cluster B personality disordered person, probably a Covert Narcissist, though her partner could just as well be a Sociopath, Malignant Narcissist, Communal Narcissist, or a Psychopath.

Narcissists are notorious not just for loving to sue people, or threatening to sue them (as I said in an older post), but they will quickly show resentment to a partner who is having health problems.

If you are in the hospital sick recovering, or if you need transportation to a doctor’s appointment, if you are at home recovering,
if you so much as have menstrual cramps, are in bed with a bad case of the Flu, whatever sickness it is,
if you’re dealing with any illness or physical health problem from mild to severe, please realize that you cannot count on your Vulnerable (also known as Covert) Narcissistic partner to be your care-taker.

They resent it. They find it annoying.

Narcissists have low to no empathy.

From their way of thinking, you being sick (whether the sickness is mild or severe) takes attention OFF OF THEM (which they despise), and because they have low empathy, they do not care that you feel sick or need a drive to the doctor’s appointment.

I have more to say below this letter:

(Link): Dear Abby: I lost my ability to walk and now my boyfriend treats me like garbage

March 18, 2023

DEAR ABBY:
I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years. In all this time he has never once asked me if I’m OK whenever I have gotten hurt.

I got used to it, you might say. Well, I recently lost the ability to walk, and ended up in a nursing home for rehabilitation.

My boyfriend would come to visit, but would never ask about progress. Furthermore, when I would show him my progress he wouldn’t act happy.

Am I A Jerk For Not Allowing My Late Husband’s Affair Partner To Come To His Funeral? (question to advice column)

Am I A Jerk For Not Allowing My Late Husband’s Affair Partner To Come To His Funeral? (question to advice column)

“AITA” stands for “Am I The Asshole,” and I believe it’s a popular advice section on Reddit.

And to answer the question, just on the title alone (I’ve not yet read the column itself): HELL NO, you are not a jerk for not wanting the mistress at your spouse’s funeral. That she (the mistress) would even think that is appropriate shows how entitled she is.

(Link): AITA For Not Allowing My Late Husband’s Affair Partner To Come To His Funeral?

… The thing is, u/MyMomo20 recently lost her husband, with whom she shares three children, to a car accident. The whole family was under the impression that he was traveling for a work trip, but they later learned that he was headed to visit his lover of 5 years.

For the sake of her kids, the woman was forced to put on a brave front, but she soon ran into trouble when a super-persistent mistress refused to respect their privacy.

“AITA for not allowing my late husband’s affair partner [to] come to his funeral?” – this netizen turned to one of Reddit’s most judgmental communities, asking its members if it was wrong of her to not let her late husband’s mistress attend his funeral.

The post managed to garner nearly 11K upvotes as well as 1.8K comments containing mostly supportive remarks.

Woman ponders if she was wrong to remove her late husband’s mistress from his funeral when she showed up uninvited

The author of the post started out by mentioning that her spouse had recently died in a car accident halfway across the country.

The man told her that he was going on a work trip, but the family later found out that it was actually a lie, and he instead was headed to see his mistress, with whom he’d been together for at least five years.

Dear Abby – She Wants A Divorce From the Husband Who Hid His Vulnerable Narcissism (Emotional Abuse, Extreme Pessimism, Victim Mentality, etc) While They Were Dating

Dear Abby – She Wants A Divorce From the Husband Who Hid His Vulnerable Narcissism (Emotional Abuse, Extreme Pessimism, Victim Mentality, etc) While They Were Dating

What an interesting and informative letter to Dear Abby (I’ll get to the actual link and letter below, but I had some comments to make about it first).

It appears to me that the woman (who calls herself “Worn Out Wife”) married a classical Vulnerable Narcissist (sometimes also called a “Covert Narcissist” or a “shy” or “closeted” narcissist). The guy has all the usual traits for one.

From what I’ve read on the topic, when Narcissists of all varieties date someone, or are trying to win someone over (could also include a friend or co-worker, not just a romantic prospect for marriage), they start out trying to win you over – they will use what is called “love bombing,” mirroring, etc., and in the love bombing stage, they turn up the charm and fake compassion and fake kindness to a very high degree.

Narcissists of all types lack empathy, are highly entitled, rude, and abusive in private with those closest to them. (Well, that’s generally how it goes; not all narcissists exhibit or practice the same usual narcissistic patterns or behaviors as other narcissists.)

“Love Bombing” can appear different depending on the type of Narcissist we’re talking about, and sometimes a Narcissist with one predominant style – a Grandiose one, for example – may dabble in a few of the Covert Narcissistic type behaviors, or vice versa.

The Grandiose ones are known for being really charming upfront, while the love bombing of the Covert (Vulnerable) Narcissist usually involves them playing on and exploiting your empathy and heart strings by presenting themselves as a great big victim in life, whom everybody has hurt or let down at one time or another.

Early in a relationship (whether dating, friendship, or workplace) Vulnerable Narcissists will go on and on about all the heartaches and set backs they’ve experienced from their childhood into adulthood – they therefore get you to pity them and want to help, rescue, and save them – and at least initially in a relationship, the Vulnerable Narcissist will pretend to care deeply about your heartbreaks and pain in life.

(But Vulnerable Narcissists don’t really, truly care about your feelings or your problems – they only pretend to care in order to draw you into a relationship, and some do this to get you to share YOUR personal problems with them, so they can weaponize your shame, regrets, and vulnerabilities against you later.
They may occasionally pretend to care as a relationship drags on, if they are interested in holding on to you, so they may toss you the occasional “crumb” of empathy. But they don’t have any empathy for you and don’t genuinely care about your pain or problems).

(Getting you to pity and feel sorry for them also causes you to lower any normal boundaries you may usually have, and you let this toxic person into your life. Sociopaths and psychopaths also play at this same game.)

It sounds to me like this woman’s husband is predominantly a Vulnerable type of Narcissist but that he used more of the usual Love Bombing techniques of a Grandiose one while he was dating this lady.

Once they got married, though, he didn’t feel the need, or have the energy, to keep maintaining the false mask of “Mr. Charming,” “Mr. Sensitive, Mr. Kindness,” chucked all that aside, and only THEN (once he had her) allowed his true Vulnerable Narcissistic nature to appear,
which consists of a super sour, pessimistic, bitter, “negative nancy” attitude, with a huge side order of victim mentality, along with common Vulnerable Narcissistic behaviors of constantly complaining, joy killing, and constant fault finding (of a spouse, or whomever is closest to them privately).

And yes, as this woman says of her husband – he’s miserable – Vulnerable Narcissists are usually miserable people.

Vulnerable Narcissists truly, honestly think they have life harder than other people, they believe that God “picks on them” specifically, they believe that others haven’t had as many obstacles in life as they have had, they further believe that if only God, or people, had given them more chances and breaks in life, they could’ve been more successful.

Vulnerable Narcissists also tend to be jealous of other people – other people’s success, homes, marriages, beauty, achievements, etc.

Another thing I learned about Vulnerable Narcissists from reading works by psychologists who specialize in Narcissism is that they will only show interest in, or want to talk about, topics that are of interest to them personally.

If you try to bring up a topic that you’re “into,” but that the Vulnerable Narcissist is not, they find that boring and will usually ignore you and not have anything to say. They will either fade away, leave the room, or try to pivot the conversation on to a topic that they are interested in.

Vulnerable Narcissists only get interested and animated regarding topics that they’re already interested in themselves.

I certainly experienced that dynamic with (Link): an online ex-friend who seemed to be on the Vulnerable Narcissist spectrum (she also exhibited some of their other well known traits). I’ve also known a few other people in my life who’ve had the same, or similar, behaviors.

And no, no matter how hard you try to make the Vulnerable Narcissist happy, it’s never good enough.

Whether it’s with a Covert or a Grandiose, no matter how hard you try to win them over, make them happy, or appease or please them, they will always find something to nit pick about and criticize. They will sometimes move the goal posts, so you can never, ever win.

In her letter, the lady says this:

He has taken the things away from me that I love — flowers, gardening, pets, books, friends, etc.

I wish the letter writer had elaborated on that portion a little more, because I’m not totally sure what she means.

I have a few Narcissists in my own life, and I do know that once they find out what your hobbies are, or a goal or dream you have, they will mock it and make fun of it to the point (and the Vulnerable Narcissists may complain about it to the point) that you get rid of those hobbies, dreams, or goals.

You may find it easier to cave in to their wish that you stop doing X (whatever X is) then to listen to your Vulnerable Narcissist husband, boyfriend, sibling, or whomever it is, bitch, moan and gripe about the same thing repeatedly (whether it’s doing X or having a pet in the house or whatever it is),
until their non-stop complaining about it drives you nuts, and so you will do anything to get them to shut the hell up, to stop the complaining about it (I also went through that with the ex fiance of mine).

I’m not sure if that is what the letter writer was getting at or not.

Lastly, people should stop blaming women for marrying abusive or controlling men.

I’ve seen so many Christian preachers victim-blame women who write in for advice on Christian television shows (or podcasts, magazines, or blogs) on what to do about their abusive marriage, and many preachers will shame the woman and say,
“Didn’t you see what kind of man he was before you married? You should have. Now you’re stuck with him.”

The problem is that a lot of abusive people (including women, not just men) HIDE their true abusive natures while they’re dating.

This is also true in other areas. That is to say, if someone is a pathological Narcissist, they’re usually not going to advertise their Narcissistic attitudes and behaviors openly at church, friendships, or in jobs – they will only reveal their nasty behavior in private around a few select targets,
or, if they’re the leader in a church or boss at a job, where they know they are immune from consequences, they may openly emotionally and verbally abuse their staff, for instance.

But concerning marriage, most abusers conceal their controlling, constant fault finding, verbally abusive behavior (and other terrible tendencies) during the dating stage, and only allow it to show after they marry the person and/or know that the person they’re in a relationship is committed to them, is financially and/or socially dependent on them (many abusers isolate their targets from friends and family).

Most people are not going to walk freely, knowingly, willingly, and openly into a marriage to someone they can see and know is controlling, constantly critical, a user, or abusive.

If the abuser quite openly abused and behaved obnoxiously during the dating stage, no woman would ever marry these guys – that’s why abusers pour on the charm and hide the violence or psychological abuse until AFTER they marry.

This is very much a “bait and switch” phenomenon, where the Narcissist lies about who they are; the Narcissist presents upfront one way, while in the dating stage, but then differently, after the person is in their clutches.

As such, the Christians who still advocate for the “permanence of marriage” view, or ones similar (that don’t allow emotional abuse, for example, as a grounds for “biblical” divorce) are in error.

I don’t think most Christians have bothered to study Cluster B personality disorders or Narcissistic Abuse at all. Perhaps if more did, they’d be more open to re-interpreting the Bible and realizing God doesn’t expect anyone to stay married to an abuser until death.

And this is not a problem just in marriage – I don’t want to get into it too much here and now, but where abuse and mistreatment arises in the workplace or in friendships, Christians are also ignorant clowns who end up doing a lot of damage to targets.

For example, if you’re being bullied in your place of employment by a jerk, depending on the particular circumstances, it may be very counter-productive to take the usual, naive, un-workable Christian advice of “turn the cheek and pray for the enemy” towards your workplace bully.

The reality is, most bullies have to be stood up to. You cannot sit back, be passive, be loving to your workplace enemy, just pray that God removes the bully, and hope things just work out.

If you’re dealing with a “Cluster B” bully, the best way may be to go “grey rock” on that individual and then try to change jobs as fast as you can.

Here is the letter from the lady who seems to be married to what sounds an awful lot like a Vulnerable Narcissist:

📫📨📬📫

(Link): Dear Abby: I want to divorce my husband but he has cancer

by Dear Abby
January 24, 2023

DEAR ABBY:
My husband and I have been married for nine years. While we were dating, he was kind, considerate and loving.

After we married, he turned into a chronic complainer, something he later confessed he had been hiding while we dated.

He talks to me like I’m trash and then gets nice when he wants something.

The One Question You Should Never Ask a Single Person at Christmas by J. Hocking

The One Question You Should Never Ask a Single Person at Christmas by J. Hocking

(Link): The one question you should never ask a single person at Christmas

Excerpts:

by Jana Hocking
December 15, 2022

This time of year can put a shiver up the spine of most singletons.

Yes, it’s Christmastime, and oopsy daisy, you forgot to bag yourself a partner in time for dinner with the family.

You’re armoring up for the “Why haven’t you got yourself a partner yet?” question from annoying relatives with good hearts, and the idea of waking up by yourself instead of to a boisterous house full of children and a sexy husband can seem pretty darn crappy.

Except … it’s not.

You see, we focus so much on the traditional side of Christmas, we forget that this time of year as a singleton is actually ridiculously fun.

Don’t believe me? Let me point out a few reasons why you can thank the Lord he didn’t throw your soulmate into your direct path this year.

1. Sweet, sweet freedom

Unlike partnered-up couples who are arguing about who will be designated driver, and trying to figure out whose family gets Christmas and whose gets Boxing Day, you get the glorious gift of freedom to pick and choose to do whatever the heck you want for Christmas.

I Appear Successful, But Since Having Kids I Feel I’ve Lost Myself by Annalisa Barbieri (Letter from a Married Mother Who Has Depression, Low Self Esteem)

I Appear Successful, But Since Having Kids I Feel I’ve Lost Myself by Annalisa Barbieri (Letter from a Married Mother Who Has Depression, Low Self Esteem)

Before I get to the link and the letter, I wanted to say…

The article below – via The Guardian – doesn’t make it clear, but the following appears to be an e-mail or a letter from a married mother who has low self esteem, and she’s writing to this paper for advice, guidance, and help.

I’m sorry this lady is not doing well, but I want you to take away from this that being married and being a mother (having children) will not necessarily make you happy, or bring you joy, inner peace, or a healthy sense of identity.

I’m afraid that a lot of conservatives – especially Christians – keep promoting these false notions to women, from the time we are girls, that if we just marry (and/or have children), that being married and a parent will bring us permanent happiness and purpose in life, but clearly, that is not the case.

I am not “anti family” nor “anti motherhood,” but I figured out a long time ago that being a parent or married may not bring you fulfillment in life, and it is that expectation that a lot of “pro family,” “pro motherhood” type of conservatives continue to hold up – it is misleading, false hope and propaganda.

I’ve got other examples on my blog of women who married (or who are mothers), and yet, being married (or being a mother) didn’t bring them happiness, but they were still left feeling overlooked, depressed, or lonely – in some cases, because the man they married doesn’t meet their emotional needs regularly, but spends all his day wrapped up in his hobbies or watching television.

I have blog posts of women who admit that they regret motherhood!

I think if you’re someone who had hoped or expected to marry (or have children) it can be painful  or very disappointing if that did not happen for you, but if you can accept it,
and permit yourself to go through a grieving process and determine to move on in life and determine to enjoy life anyway (in spite of life not turning out how you had hoped), that you can ultimately find joy, happiness, fun, and peace without a spouse and without children.

You can find other avenues of joy, meaning, and happiness in life that don’t involve being married or having children. I made that transition myself years ago, though it took me several years of grappling with unhappiness to get there, but it can be done.

But again, notice, that although the woman letter writer here married and had children, that she is STILL depressed, feels like a failure, feels like a “loser,” and thinks she is not enough.

Being a wife and a mother – contrary to what a lot of excessively pro-family, pro-natalism Christian conservatives bang on about – did not fill that empty void she has, nor increase her self image to a healthy level.

(Link): I appear successful, but since having kids I feel I’ve lost myself

Excerpts:

Squashing your anger down is exhausting. Try using your free time to do what makes you feel good, and see what shifts

May 20, 2022
by Annalisa Barbieri

[This appears to be a question from a writer to an advice columnist named Annalisa Barbieri? – the article doesn’t make it clear]:

[Dear Advice Columnist,]

I have struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens and have had therapy and medication on and off since I was 17 (I am now 37). I’m aware of deep-rooted low self-esteem and shame.

I feel worthless. I never want to draw attention to myself and have a paralysing fear of confrontation.

I have managed to maintain a few close friendships, have worked in the past, and am married with two kids. So I appear “successful” on the surface.

Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will

Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will

I like seeing content like below.

It’s nice to see that decades-old Hollywood and Christian propaganda about marriage (or romantic relationships overall) “completing” a person or making him or her happy is a bunch of garbage.

This married guy sounds miserable. His wife doesn’t sound happy with him, either.

(Link): Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will

Dear Abby,

I am a 50-year-old man, married for 25 years. My wife is older than I. In the beginning, it was great, but our relationship slowly started failing, and now we argue about everything.

I feel like I’m trapped in a cage.

We don’t have one single thing in common anymore.

New York Times: Respect Your Daughter’s Choice To Be A Married Man’s Mistress by T. Justice

New York Times: Respect Your Daughter’s Choice To Be A Married Man’s Mistress by T. Justice

(Link): New York Times: Respect Your Daughter’s Choice To Be A Married Man’s Mistress

January 18, 2022

Poetic Justice is an advice column that offers counter-advice to submissions at other publications whose contributors have failed the reader.

The New York Times last week admonished a woman who was uncomfortable about the prospect of allowing her daughter in a relationship with a married man to bring him on a Greek vacation.

[The letter reads]…

My 30-year-old daughter is in a polyamorous relationship with a married man.

There Are Ways to Deal With the Sting of Unrequited Friendship by K. Sackville

There Are Ways to Deal With the Sting of Unrequited Friendship by K. Sackville

(Link): There Are Ways to Deal With the Sting of Unrequited Friendship

Excerpts:

We’ve all experienced unrequited friendship in some form, from reaching out to someone who doesn’t reciprocate our interest, to fending off an approach from an acquaintance we don’t particularly like.

Unrequited friendship can be extremely awkward, and surprisingly painful when you’re the one being rejected.

I’ve been unrequited, and it’s demoralising and confusing.

Dear Prudie: Help! My Boyfriend Refuses to Do Any Housework.

Dear Prudie: Help! My Boyfriend Refuses to Do Any Housework.

When your boyfriend won’t help do housework, you dump him.

But let’s see what Prudie has to say.

(Link): Dear Prudie: Help! My Boyfriend Refuses to Do Any Housework.

By DANIEL MALLORY ORTBERG

Q. The second shift in 2019? When I’m 23? My boyfriend and I live together and we’re incredibly happy.

We’re in our early 20s and live in New York with two full-time jobs and side hustles. We’re both equally ambitious and serious about our future, both professionally and as a couple.

I typically beat him home from work, and while I admit I tend to be the neater roommate and more inclined in the kitchen, we have fallen in the habit of me taking over the cleaning and cooking.

My boyfriend vocalizes that he’s appreciative of everything I do but groans and drags his feet when I ask him to help out too.

Hax Column: 30-Something Guy Refuses to Marry Anyone Who’s Already Been Married

You have to like these guys who sound like awful people but who are very demanding and picky about who they want to date and marry.

Like the guy described in this letter.

DEAR CAROLYN (Hax):

My brother has been dating a woman for about a year, and my entire immediate family does not like her. Even my super easygoing husband thinks she is terrible. I am serious. She is manipulative, passive-aggressive, immature, and has a self-righteous streak that goes for miles.

My mom is just crushed that this girl will likely marry my brother. I think if he thinks she is so great then let him make this HUGE mistake.

He is 34 and complains that there are so few women out there who have never married and have no kids (requirements for him), so I think he is feeling a bit desperate.

I’m In My 40s, Want To Marry, But Never Like A Guy More Than A Year (Letter to Advice Columnist)

I’m In My 40s, Want To Marry, But Never Like A Guy More Than A Year (Letter to Advice Columnist)

(Link):  I’m in my 40s, want to marry, but never like a guy more than a year. (Letter to Advice Columnist)

Prudie advises a letter writer who is fortysomething, wants to marry, but never likes a guy for more than a year.

---

[Dear Prudie]:

Q. Uncertain: I’m in my early 40s, never married, no kids, but always wanted both. I’m in a relationship of 10 months. The guy could not be sweeter or a person of better character.

He loves me and treats me well. I was so in love the first six months but he is increasingly getting on my nerves—he is a bit quirky and goofy. And I don’t always find it amusing; increasingly I find it irritating.

Dear Abby: Parents Stole my Child Support Cash

Dear Abby: Parents Stole my Child Support Cash

Many times, conservative Christians and my fellow social conservatives and right wingers like to insist that parenthood (and marriage) is necessary to ‘fix’ culture or to make people more mature, responsible, and godly.

Problem is, parenthood and marriage does not necessarily make anyone more mature, ethical, and so on, than someone who is single, who never marries, or who never has children.

On this blog, I have link after link (in (Link): other posts on the blog) showcasing numerous real-life examples of married people and/or parents who cheat on each other, abuse children, get arrested for child porn, for soliciting prostitutes, for murdering their spouses or kids, and on and on.

There is nothing intrinsic in the state of being married or being a parent that makes a person more likely to be responsible, mature, or loving. If that were so, Jesus Christ would not have said that humanity’s problem is sin (Jesus Christ did not cite being single and childless as the cause of problems in the world).

To the woman who wrote this letter: your parents are dishonest slime balls who cannot be trusted. If or when you can, break off contact with them! Your parents are toxic and don’t care about you or your needs.

(Link):  Dear Abby: Parents Stole my Child Support Cash

DEAR ABBY: My parents and I were always close. However, recently they stole my debit card, my PIN and child support check. They forged my signature and spent the entire check, which was more than $1,000.