Dear Abby – She Wants A Divorce From the Husband Who Hid His Vulnerable Narcissism (Emotional Abuse, Extreme Pessimism, Victim Mentality, etc) While They Were Dating

Dear Abby – She Wants A Divorce From the Husband Who Hid His Vulnerable Narcissism (Emotional Abuse, Extreme Pessimism, Victim Mentality, etc) While They Were Dating

What an interesting and informative letter to Dear Abby (I’ll get to the actual link and letter below, but I had some comments to make about it first).

It appears to me that the woman (who calls herself “Worn Out Wife”) married a classical Vulnerable Narcissist (sometimes also called a “Covert Narcissist” or a “shy” or “closeted” narcissist). The guy has all the usual traits for one.

From what I’ve read on the topic, when Narcissists of all varieties date someone, or are trying to win someone over (could also include a friend or co-worker, not just a romantic prospect for marriage), they start out trying to win you over – they will use what is called “love bombing,” mirroring, etc., and in the love bombing stage, they turn up the charm and fake compassion and fake kindness to a very high degree.

Narcissists of all types lack empathy, are highly entitled, rude, and abusive in private with those closest to them. (Well, that’s generally how it goes; not all narcissists exhibit or practice the same usual narcissistic patterns or behaviors as other narcissists.)

“Love Bombing” can appear different depending on the type of Narcissist we’re talking about, and sometimes a Narcissist with one predominant style – a Grandiose one, for example – may dabble in a few of the Covert Narcissistic type behaviors, or vice versa.

The Grandiose ones are known for being really charming upfront, while the love bombing of the Covert (Vulnerable) Narcissist usually involves them playing on and exploiting your empathy and heart strings by presenting themselves as a great big victim in life, whom everybody has hurt or let down at one time or another.

Early in a relationship (whether dating, friendship, or workplace) Vulnerable Narcissists will go on and on about all the heartaches and set backs they’ve experienced from their childhood into adulthood – they therefore get you to pity them and want to help, rescue, and save them – and at least initially in a relationship, the Vulnerable Narcissist will pretend to care deeply about your heartbreaks and pain in life.

(But Vulnerable Narcissists don’t really, truly care about your feelings or your problems – they only pretend to care in order to draw you into a relationship, and some do this to get you to share YOUR personal problems with them, so they can weaponize your shame, regrets, and vulnerabilities against you later.
They may occasionally pretend to care as a relationship drags on, if they are interested in holding on to you, so they may toss you the occasional “crumb” of empathy. But they don’t have any empathy for you and don’t genuinely care about your pain or problems).

(Getting you to pity and feel sorry for them also causes you to lower any normal boundaries you may usually have, and you let this toxic person into your life. Sociopaths and psychopaths also play at this same game.)

It sounds to me like this woman’s husband is predominantly a Vulnerable type of Narcissist but that he used more of the usual Love Bombing techniques of a Grandiose one while he was dating this lady.

Once they got married, though, he didn’t feel the need, or have the energy, to keep maintaining the false mask of “Mr. Charming,” “Mr. Sensitive, Mr. Kindness,” chucked all that aside, and only THEN (once he had her) allowed his true Vulnerable Narcissistic nature to appear,
which consists of a super sour, pessimistic, bitter, “negative nancy” attitude, with a huge side order of victim mentality, along with common Vulnerable Narcissistic behaviors of constantly complaining, joy killing, and constant fault finding (of a spouse, or whomever is closest to them privately).

And yes, as this woman says of her husband – he’s miserable – Vulnerable Narcissists are usually miserable people.

Vulnerable Narcissists truly, honestly think they have life harder than other people, they believe that God “picks on them” specifically, they believe that others haven’t had as many obstacles in life as they have had, they further believe that if only God, or people, had given them more chances and breaks in life, they could’ve been more successful.

Vulnerable Narcissists also tend to be jealous of other people – other people’s success, homes, marriages, beauty, achievements, etc.

Another thing I learned about Vulnerable Narcissists from reading works by psychologists who specialize in Narcissism is that they will only show interest in, or want to talk about, topics that are of interest to them personally.

If you try to bring up a topic that you’re “into,” but that the Vulnerable Narcissist is not, they find that boring and will usually ignore you and not have anything to say. They will either fade away, leave the room, or try to pivot the conversation on to a topic that they are interested in.

Vulnerable Narcissists only get interested and animated regarding topics that they’re already interested in themselves.

I certainly experienced that dynamic with (Link): an online ex-friend who seemed to be on the Vulnerable Narcissist spectrum (she also exhibited some of their other well known traits). I’ve also known a few other people in my life who’ve had the same, or similar, behaviors.

And no, no matter how hard you try to make the Vulnerable Narcissist happy, it’s never good enough.

Whether it’s with a Covert or a Grandiose, no matter how hard you try to win them over, make them happy, or appease or please them, they will always find something to nit pick about and criticize. They will sometimes move the goal posts, so you can never, ever win.

In her letter, the lady says this:

He has taken the things away from me that I love — flowers, gardening, pets, books, friends, etc.

I wish the letter writer had elaborated on that portion a little more, because I’m not totally sure what she means.

I have a few Narcissists in my own life, and I do know that once they find out what your hobbies are, or a goal or dream you have, they will mock it and make fun of it to the point (and the Vulnerable Narcissists may complain about it to the point) that you get rid of those hobbies, dreams, or goals.

You may find it easier to cave in to their wish that you stop doing X (whatever X is) then to listen to your Vulnerable Narcissist husband, boyfriend, sibling, or whomever it is, bitch, moan and gripe about the same thing repeatedly (whether it’s doing X or having a pet in the house or whatever it is),
until their non-stop complaining about it drives you nuts, and so you will do anything to get them to shut the hell up, to stop the complaining about it (I also went through that with the ex fiance of mine).

I’m not sure if that is what the letter writer was getting at or not.

Lastly, people should stop blaming women for marrying abusive or controlling men.

I’ve seen so many Christian preachers victim-blame women who write in for advice on Christian television shows (or podcasts, magazines, or blogs) on what to do about their abusive marriage, and many preachers will shame the woman and say,
“Didn’t you see what kind of man he was before you married? You should have. Now you’re stuck with him.”

The problem is that a lot of abusive people (including women, not just men) HIDE their true abusive natures while they’re dating.

This is also true in other areas. That is to say, if someone is a pathological Narcissist, they’re usually not going to advertise their Narcissistic attitudes and behaviors openly at church, friendships, or in jobs – they will only reveal their nasty behavior in private around a few select targets,
or, if they’re the leader in a church or boss at a job, where they know they are immune from consequences, they may openly emotionally and verbally abuse their staff, for instance.

But concerning marriage, most abusers conceal their controlling, constant fault finding, verbally abusive behavior (and other terrible tendencies) during the dating stage, and only allow it to show after they marry the person and/or know that the person they’re in a relationship is committed to them, is financially and/or socially dependent on them (many abusers isolate their targets from friends and family).

Most people are not going to walk freely, knowingly, willingly, and openly into a marriage to someone they can see and know is controlling, constantly critical, a user, or abusive.

If the abuser quite openly abused and behaved obnoxiously during the dating stage, no woman would ever marry these guys – that’s why abusers pour on the charm and hide the violence or psychological abuse until AFTER they marry.

This is very much a “bait and switch” phenomenon, where the Narcissist lies about who they are; the Narcissist presents upfront one way, while in the dating stage, but then differently, after the person is in their clutches.

As such, the Christians who still advocate for the “permanence of marriage” view, or ones similar (that don’t allow emotional abuse, for example, as a grounds for “biblical” divorce) are in error.

I don’t think most Christians have bothered to study Cluster B personality disorders or Narcissistic Abuse at all. Perhaps if more did, they’d be more open to re-interpreting the Bible and realizing God doesn’t expect anyone to stay married to an abuser until death.

And this is not a problem just in marriage – I don’t want to get into it too much here and now, but where abuse and mistreatment arises in the workplace or in friendships, Christians are also ignorant clowns who end up doing a lot of damage to targets.

For example, if you’re being bullied in your place of employment by a jerk, depending on the particular circumstances, it may be very counter-productive to take the usual, naive, un-workable Christian advice of “turn the cheek and pray for the enemy” towards your workplace bully.

The reality is, most bullies have to be stood up to. You cannot sit back, be passive, be loving to your workplace enemy, just pray that God removes the bully, and hope things just work out.

If you’re dealing with a “Cluster B” bully, the best way may be to go “grey rock” on that individual and then try to change jobs as fast as you can.

Here is the letter from the lady who seems to be married to what sounds an awful lot like a Vulnerable Narcissist:

📫📨📬📫

(Link): Dear Abby: I want to divorce my husband but he has cancer

by Dear Abby
January 24, 2023

DEAR ABBY:
My husband and I have been married for nine years. While we were dating, he was kind, considerate and loving.

After we married, he turned into a chronic complainer, something he later confessed he had been hiding while we dated.

He talks to me like I’m trash and then gets nice when he wants something.

Continue reading “Dear Abby – She Wants A Divorce From the Husband Who Hid His Vulnerable Narcissism (Emotional Abuse, Extreme Pessimism, Victim Mentality, etc) While They Were Dating”

Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will

Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will

I like seeing content like below.

It’s nice to see that decades-old Hollywood and Christian propaganda about marriage (or romantic relationships overall) “completing” a person or making him or her happy is a bunch of garbage.

This married guy sounds miserable. His wife doesn’t sound happy with him, either.

(Link): Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will

Dear Abby,

I am a 50-year-old man, married for 25 years. My wife is older than I. In the beginning, it was great, but our relationship slowly started failing, and now we argue about everything.

I feel like I’m trapped in a cage.

We don’t have one single thing in common anymore.

Continue reading “Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will”

Dear Abby: I’m Sick Of My Friend Always Venting About Her Marriage

Dear Abby: I’m Sick Of My Friend Always Venting About Her Marriage

Oh tell me about it.

(The letter to “Dear Abby” about this topic is farther below. I wanted to say a few words about this situation before getting directly to the letter itself.)

I had a friend a few years ago who always complained about her husband.

First, it was because his job drove him away, then when he got back home, she got  peeved by his quirks, or she complained when the Christmas present he got her was too practical and not “romantic” enough for her tastes.

I gently reminded her a time or two during all her years of griping about her husband that I was a single lady who’d like to be married, even if my spouse was occasionally annoying, as hers was (a slightly annoying husband is better than NO husband at all, in my perspective), but she kept right on with the complaining about her spouse.

It was so irritating to be a single lady wanting to get married having to listen to a woman gripe all the time about her husband.

Then, I once had a friend who got married in a civil ceremony, then she (about a year later) had a church ceremony, and she was thrilled. She would NOT SHUT UP about her husband and how great marriage was. I also gently reminded her, “I’m single and cannot even get a boyfriend.”

In other words, if you are a married lady, try not to go to either extreme in front of your single lady friend who wants a man and cannot get one: don’t bitch and moan about your man all the time – you sound ungrateful, and it’s annoying – and, if you are happily married, I don’t need to hear about that constantly, either.

The occasional husband-mention to your single lady friend is FINE, but I’m talking about women who bring it up in almost every conversation.

Edit. Upon reflection, and after reading other opinions on the other site about this letter – it’s possible that the LW (Letter Writer) is the one in the wrong.

The LW admits to Abby that her friend was really there for her during the years after her husband died.

Now that the friend is the one in need, LW is reluctant to give her emotional support, which does make LW sound like she’s selfish and self-absorbed and horrible.

The LW got what she needed from her friend, but now that LW is happy with her new boyfriend, she does not want to return the emotional support to the friend that the friend once gave her.

You know, if LW’s new boyfriend dumps her, and she finds herself sad about it, you bet that the friend is the first person she will want to phone to gripe about it and to receive emotional support.

So, in a way, it is rather hypocritical of LW not to want to give the friend support at this time.

(Link): Dear Abby: I’m sick of my friend always venting about her marriage

DEAR ABBY:

I lost my husband of 45 years three years ago.

My longtime friend, “Grace,” was very supportive and included me in family dinners and outings so I wouldn’t be alone.

A year ago, I moved away to start a new life for myself.

Continue reading “Dear Abby: I’m Sick Of My Friend Always Venting About Her Marriage”

Dear Abby: Friends Push Overweight Woman To Date But Offer No Help

Dear Abby: Friends Push Overweight Woman To Date But Offer No Help

(Link): Dear Abby: Friends Push Overweight Woman To Date But Offer No Help

Dear Abby:

I’m 37 and still single. I have never been able to keep a guy around very long. They have all given me different reasons, but the main theme is that I’m “too independent and better as a friend.”

I’ve kept some of my exes as friends, so there haven’t been hard feelings. I have accepted that I’m going to always be alone.

I have come to terms with it and made a fairly decent life for myself.

My issue is, everyone keeps insisting there’s someone out there for me.

Continue reading “Dear Abby: Friends Push Overweight Woman To Date But Offer No Help”

Dear Abby: A guy’s advice to women dating online

My experience with dating sites has been totally different from what this guy says. The majority of men I ran into when I was on dating sites only cared about what I looked like.

I could tell from their comments and questions to me that they had not bothered to read my personal info or likes and dislikes. Most men care about photos, which is perhaps why so many women are posting so many photos and not going into detail with their biographies or preferences.

(Link): Dear Abby: A guy’s advice to women dating online

DEAR ABBY: As a single man, I have been on a few dating websites, and I’d like to say something to the women I have encountered: What is it about you that makes you worth my time to pursue?

Continue reading “Dear Abby: A guy’s advice to women dating online”

Guy is Dating Button Pusher (Dear Abby) – Provoking Fights: One Common Aspect of Narcissistic Abuse

Guy is Dating Button Pusher (Dear Abby) – Provoking Fights: One Common Aspect of Narcissistic Abuse

February 2023 update: the behavior this man describes sounds a lot like narcissism. His girlfriend is probably a Narcissist – whether she’s a Grandiose, Communal, Vulnerable, or what other type I cannot tell for sure.

But it’s very common for Narcissists to intentionally pick fights with their target, or to keep badgering them until they explode in a rage.

Narcissists pick fights and try to enrage their victim to regulate their emotions (it brings them relief to cause their target to lash out in anger), and they also enjoy being able to turn to the just-exploded target and patronizingly sneer at them, “Look at how crazy  you are.”

Yes, the Narcissist provokes you into reacting – by getting you to snap and to scream, yell, etc – then they have the nerve to victim-blame you for the very reaction that they provoked in you in the first place.

If you want more detailed explanations as to why they engage in this behavior, please start researching the topic of Narcissism.

This letter comes from the same series of letters I quoted from in a post the other day.

This guy wrote to Dear Abby saying:

Dear Abby

• I am currently in a relationship that’s great except for one thing. She knows what “buttons” to push to make me angry, and she’ll continue to push them.

No matter what I do, she’s in my face. It just seems she wants to argue until I reach the point of exploding.

Continue reading “Guy is Dating Button Pusher (Dear Abby) – Provoking Fights: One Common Aspect of Narcissistic Abuse”

Dear Abby: I Gave Up Dating, and 30 Years Later, I’m Lonely

Dear Abby: I Gave Up Dating, and 30 Years Later, I’m Lonely

This post has been edited to add even more reader comments from other sites that published this Abby letter. Virtually nobody is sympathetic with this guy.


I was genuinely feeling empathy and sympathy for this dude, right up until this phrase in his letter to Dear Abby:

I’m not attracted to women my age, and I don’t see younger women being attracted to an overweight old guy…”

Die alone, ageist rat bastard!

You’re in your 70s, by your own admission, you’re dumpy- or tubby- looking and don’t have a great income, but you pine after some 20, 30, or 40 or 50 year old hottie? (And I bet this sexist pig jerk expects any chick he dates to not only be younger but very thin, too.)

Oh get bent, ten times over!

Continue reading “Dear Abby: I Gave Up Dating, and 30 Years Later, I’m Lonely”

Dear Abby: As Boyfriend Loses Hair, I Lose Interest

Dear Abby: As Boyfriend Loses Hair, I Lose Interest

Secular culture would have you believe that men care about looks in women, while women supposedly only care about money or emotional support from a man, and to that I say: FALSE.

Christians, specifically, Christian gender complementarians, ratchet this up to really emphasize the point.

I’ve heard or seen so many male Christian complementarians (and occasionally, a few women complementarians) hype up this supposed idea that God created men to be “visual,” so they will shame and badger women to stay skinny, diet, exercise, and wear make-up all the time.

The truth is, women are every bit as “visual” as men are. Most hetero women dig a hot, sexy man every bit as much as some hetero men appreciate a hot, sexy woman.

However, complementarians will seldom lecture or advise men to lose weight, go to the gym and work out, or get a toupee if they’re balding.

I think the differences is that most women are willing to cut men slack where as the reverse is not true.

I mean, a woman may prefer a hot, studly looking man, but, if you’re tubby, bald, or sort of ugly she might still be willing to date you if you bring “something else to the table” – such as a lot of money, a steady income, a great sense of humor, intelligence, dependability, or what have you.

I think most women are more wiling to take trade-offs in the “looks” and sex appeal department than most men are.

Other than that, most of both sexes prefer people who are easy on the eyes, but this sexist, irritating stereotype that only men care about looks and only women care about romance (or emotions) persists.

Here is an example of a woman who is turned off by her male partner’s baldness:

(Link): Dear Abby: As Boyfriend Loses Hair, I Lose Interest

DEAR ABBY:
My physical attraction to my boyfriend has significantly diminished due to his baldness.

I know this may seem shallow, but I have lost all interest in intimate contact with him.

Continue reading “Dear Abby: As Boyfriend Loses Hair, I Lose Interest”

Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?

Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?

I believe that the Christian “equally yoked” teaching is stupid and acts as a hindrance to Christian single women who’d like to marry.

Also, (Link):  a lot of self professing Christian men are abusive or pigs, so if you’re a Christian woman, you should marry a guy on the basis of how he treats you – not if he claims to believe in Jesus or not.

By the way, I am a little confused by the heading which says that the letter write is an atheist – in her letter, she seems to say that she does believe in God but is not “as religious” as her boyfriend is.

(Link): Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?

(Link) Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?

DEAR ABBY:

For the first time in my life, I am in love. We met about a month ago. I know he’s the man I have waited my entire life to meet. I am 33, so I know what I feel isn’t just lust.

We have one huge hurdle, though: religion. He’s actively religious, while I am not, and he doesn’t believe our relationship can survive this difference.

Continue reading “Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?”

Dear Abby: Woman Worries Lazy Fiance Will Also be Lazy Husband

Dear Abby: Woman Worries Lazy Fiance Will Also be Lazy Husband

He’s not going to magically change just because you put a gold band on his finger. If you’re unhappy with him now, you’ll be unhappy with him after you marry him, if you marry him.

(Link): Dear Abby: Woman worries lazy fiance will also be lazy husband

Dear Abby:

My fiance, “David,” and I are getting married soon. We have been living together and engaged for a year, and together eight years. It takes him forever to get things done around the house or buy things we need. I have tried lists and constant reminders.

David recently lost his job and is interviewing to find another one. He loves sports, so he plays softball with his friend in a league, which takes up an entire day of the weekend. When he comes home, he wants to watch sports on TV. The house is old (it was my grandfather’s), and there’s always something that needs doing or fixing.

Continue reading “Dear Abby: Woman Worries Lazy Fiance Will Also be Lazy Husband”

Woman Wildly Happy She Got Divorced (Dear Abby Column)

Woman Wildly Happy She Got Divorced (Dear Abby Column)

There’s no point in being married if the guy you are married to is inept, self-absorbed, selfish, and/or abusive. Here’s another example of that:

Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to share a positive experience I hope will help others. It’s what a relief divorce can be.

I was miserable married to my husband. I used to hear people on the radio talk about their beloved husband or wife, and my heart would twist with regret that I never felt that way.

I spent years almost numb because I was lying to myself about my marriage. I spent years reading books on how to improve our relationship, years going to workshops.

Continue reading “Woman Wildly Happy She Got Divorced (Dear Abby Column)”

Dear Abby: Parents Stole my Child Support Cash

Dear Abby: Parents Stole my Child Support Cash

Many times, conservative Christians and my fellow social conservatives and right wingers like to insist that parenthood (and marriage) is necessary to ‘fix’ culture or to make people more mature, responsible, and godly.

Problem is, parenthood and marriage does not necessarily make anyone more mature, ethical, and so on, than someone who is single, who never marries, or who never has children.

On this blog, I have link after link (in (Link): other posts on the blog) showcasing numerous real-life examples of married people and/or parents who cheat on each other, abuse children, get arrested for child porn, for soliciting prostitutes, for murdering their spouses or kids, and on and on.

There is nothing intrinsic in the state of being married or being a parent that makes a person more likely to be responsible, mature, or loving. If that were so, Jesus Christ would not have said that humanity’s problem is sin (Jesus Christ did not cite being single and childless as the cause of problems in the world).

To the woman who wrote this letter: your parents are dishonest slime balls who cannot be trusted. If or when you can, break off contact with them! Your parents are toxic and don’t care about you or your needs.

(Link):  Dear Abby: Parents Stole my Child Support Cash

DEAR ABBY: My parents and I were always close. However, recently they stole my debit card, my PIN and child support check. They forged my signature and spent the entire check, which was more than $1,000.

Continue reading “Dear Abby: Parents Stole my Child Support Cash”