Dear Abby: I’m Sick Of My Friend Always Venting About Her Marriage

Dear Abby: I’m Sick Of My Friend Always Venting About Her Marriage

Oh tell me about it.

(The letter to “Dear Abby” about this topic is farther below. I wanted to say a few words about this situation before getting directly to the letter itself.)

I had a friend a few years ago who always complained about her husband.

First, it was because his job drove him away, then when he got back home, she got  peeved by his quirks, or she complained when the Christmas present he got her was too practical and not “romantic” enough for her tastes.

I gently reminded her a time or two during all her years of griping about her husband that I was a single lady who’d like to be married, even if my spouse was occasionally annoying, as hers was (a slightly annoying husband is better than NO husband at all, in my perspective), but she kept right on with the complaining about her spouse.

It was so irritating to be a single lady wanting to get married having to listen to a woman gripe all the time about her husband.

Then, I once had a friend who got married in a civil ceremony, then she (about a year later) had a church ceremony, and she was thrilled. She would NOT SHUT UP about her husband and how great marriage was. I also gently reminded her, “I’m single and cannot even get a boyfriend.”

In other words, if you are a married lady, try not to go to either extreme in front of your single lady friend who wants a man and cannot get one: don’t bitch and moan about your man all the time – you sound ungrateful, and it’s annoying – and, if you are happily married, I don’t need to hear about that constantly, either.

The occasional husband-mention to your single lady friend is FINE, but I’m talking about women who bring it up in almost every conversation.

Edit. Upon reflection, and after reading other opinions on the other site about this letter – it’s possible that the LW (Letter Writer) is the one in the wrong.

The LW admits to Abby that her friend was really there for her during the years after her husband died.

Now that the friend is the one in need, LW is reluctant to give her emotional support, which does make LW sound like she’s selfish and self-absorbed and horrible.

The LW got what she needed from her friend, but now that LW is happy with her new boyfriend, she does not want to return the emotional support to the friend that the friend once gave her.

You know, if LW’s new boyfriend dumps her, and she finds herself sad about it, you bet that the friend is the first person she will want to phone to gripe about it and to receive emotional support.

So, in a way, it is rather hypocritical of LW not to want to give the friend support at this time.

(Link): Dear Abby: I’m sick of my friend always venting about her marriage

DEAR ABBY:

I lost my husband of 45 years three years ago.

My longtime friend, “Grace,” was very supportive and included me in family dinners and outings so I wouldn’t be alone.

A year ago, I moved away to start a new life for myself.

Dear Abby: Friends Push Overweight Woman To Date But Offer No Help

Dear Abby: Friends Push Overweight Woman To Date But Offer No Help

(Link): Dear Abby: Friends Push Overweight Woman To Date But Offer No Help

Dear Abby:

I’m 37 and still single. I have never been able to keep a guy around very long. They have all given me different reasons, but the main theme is that I’m “too independent and better as a friend.”

I’ve kept some of my exes as friends, so there haven’t been hard feelings. I have accepted that I’m going to always be alone.

I have come to terms with it and made a fairly decent life for myself.

My issue is, everyone keeps insisting there’s someone out there for me.

Dear Abby: A guy’s advice to women dating online

My experience with dating sites has been totally different from what this guy says. The majority of men I ran into when I was on dating sites only cared about what I looked like.

I could tell from their comments and questions to me that they had not bothered to read my personal info or likes and dislikes. Most men care about photos, which is perhaps why so many women are posting so many photos and not going into detail with their biographies or preferences.

(Link): Dear Abby: A guy’s advice to women dating online

DEAR ABBY: As a single man, I have been on a few dating websites, and I’d like to say something to the women I have encountered: What is it about you that makes you worth my time to pursue?

Guy is Dating Button Pusher (Dear Abby)

This letter comes from the same series of letters I quoted from in a post the other day.

This guy wrote to Dear Abby saying:

Dear Abby

• I am currently in a relationship that’s great except for one thing. She knows what “buttons” to push to make me angry, and she’ll continue to push them.

No matter what I do, she’s in my face. It just seems she wants to argue until I reach the point of exploding.

Dear Abby: I Gave Up Dating, and 30 Years Later, I’m Lonely

Dear Abby: I Gave Up Dating, and 30 Years Later, I’m Lonely

This post has been edited to add even more reader comments from other sites that published this Abby letter. Virtually nobody is sympathetic with this guy.

---

I was genuinely feeling empathy and sympathy for this dude, right up until this phrase in his letter to Dear Abby:

“I’m not attracted to women my age, and I don’t see younger women being attracted to an overweight old guy…”

Die alone, ageist rat bastard!

You’re in your 70s, by your own admission, you’re dumpy- or tubby- looking and don’t have a great income, but you pine after some 20, 30, or 40 or 50 year old hottie? (And I bet this sexist pig jerk expects any chick he dates to not only be younger but very thin, too.)

Oh get bent, ten times over!

Dear Abby: As Boyfriend Loses Hair, I Lose Interest

Dear Abby: As Boyfriend Loses Hair, I Lose Interest

Secular culture would have you believe that men care about looks in women, while women supposedly only care about money or emotional support from a man, and to that I say: FALSE.

Christians, specifically, Christian gender complementarians, ratchet this up to really emphasize the point.

I’ve heard or seen so many male Christian complementarians (and occasionally, a few women complementarians) hype up this supposed idea that God created men to be “visual,” so they will shame and badger women to stay skinny, diet, exercise, and wear make-up all the time.

The truth is, women are every bit as “visual” as men are. Most hetero women dig a hot, sexy man every bit as much as some hetero men appreciate a hot, sexy woman.

However, complementarians will seldom lecture or advise men to lose weight, go to the gym and work out, or get a toupee if they’re balding.

I think the differences is that most women are willing to cut men slack where as the reverse is not true.

I mean, a woman may prefer a hot, studly looking man, but, if you’re tubby, bald, or sort of ugly she might still be willing to date you if you bring “something else to the table” – such as a lot of money, a steady income, a great sense of humor, intelligence, dependability, or what have you.

I think most women are more wiling to take trade-offs in the “looks” and sex appeal department than most men are.

Other than that, most of both sexes prefer people who are easy on the eyes, but this sexist, irritating stereotype that only men care about looks and only women care about romance (or emotions) persists.

Here is an example of a woman who is turned off by her male partner’s baldness:

(Link): Dear Abby: As Boyfriend Loses Hair, I Lose Interest

DEAR ABBY:
My physical attraction to my boyfriend has significantly diminished due to his baldness.

I know this may seem shallow, but I have lost all interest in intimate contact with him.

Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?

Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?

I believe that the Christian “equally yoked” teaching is stupid and acts as a hindrance to Christian single women who’d like to marry.

Also, (Link):  a lot of self professing Christian men are abusive or pigs, so if you’re a Christian woman, you should marry a guy on the basis of how he treats you – not if he claims to believe in Jesus or not.

By the way, I am a little confused by the heading which says that the letter write is an atheist – in her letter, she seems to say that she does believe in God but is not “as religious” as her boyfriend is.

(Link): Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?

(Link) Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?

DEAR ABBY:

For the first time in my life, I am in love. We met about a month ago. I know he’s the man I have waited my entire life to meet. I am 33, so I know what I feel isn’t just lust.

We have one huge hurdle, though: religion. He’s actively religious, while I am not, and he doesn’t believe our relationship can survive this difference.

Dear Abby: Woman Worries Lazy Fiance Will Also be Lazy Husband

Dear Abby: Woman Worries Lazy Fiance Will Also be Lazy Husband

He’s not going to magically change just because you put a gold band on his finger. If you’re unhappy with him now, you’ll be unhappy with him after you marry him, if you marry him.

(Link): Dear Abby: Woman worries lazy fiance will also be lazy husband

Dear Abby:

My fiance, “David,” and I are getting married soon. We have been living together and engaged for a year, and together eight years. It takes him forever to get things done around the house or buy things we need. I have tried lists and constant reminders.

David recently lost his job and is interviewing to find another one. He loves sports, so he plays softball with his friend in a league, which takes up an entire day of the weekend. When he comes home, he wants to watch sports on TV. The house is old (it was my grandfather’s), and there’s always something that needs doing or fixing.

Woman Wildly Happy She Got Divorced (Dear Abby Column)

Woman Wildly Happy She Got Divorced (Dear Abby Column)

There’s no point in being married if the guy you are married to is inept, self-absorbed, selfish, and/or abusive. Here’s another example of that:

Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to share a positive experience I hope will help others. It’s what a relief divorce can be.

I was miserable married to my husband. I used to hear people on the radio talk about their beloved husband or wife, and my heart would twist with regret that I never felt that way.

I spent years almost numb because I was lying to myself about my marriage. I spent years reading books on how to improve our relationship, years going to workshops.

Dear Abby: Parents Stole my Child Support Cash

Dear Abby: Parents Stole my Child Support Cash

Many times, conservative Christians and my fellow social conservatives and right wingers like to insist that parenthood (and marriage) is necessary to ‘fix’ culture or to make people more mature, responsible, and godly.

Problem is, parenthood and marriage does not necessarily make anyone more mature, ethical, and so on, than someone who is single, who never marries, or who never has children.

On this blog, I have link after link (in (Link): other posts on the blog) showcasing numerous real-life examples of married people and/or parents who cheat on each other, abuse children, get arrested for child porn, for soliciting prostitutes, for murdering their spouses or kids, and on and on.

There is nothing intrinsic in the state of being married or being a parent that makes a person more likely to be responsible, mature, or loving. If that were so, Jesus Christ would not have said that humanity’s problem is sin (Jesus Christ did not cite being single and childless as the cause of problems in the world).

To the woman who wrote this letter: your parents are dishonest slime balls who cannot be trusted. If or when you can, break off contact with them! Your parents are toxic and don’t care about you or your needs.

(Link):  Dear Abby: Parents Stole my Child Support Cash

DEAR ABBY: My parents and I were always close. However, recently they stole my debit card, my PIN and child support check. They forged my signature and spent the entire check, which was more than $1,000.

40 Year Old Never Married Woman Asks Dear Abby Why She Keeps Attracting Abusive Men

40 Year Old Never Married Woman Asks Dear Abby Why She Keeps Attracting Abusive Men

My quick response to this woman (I have not yet even read Abby’s reply to her, this is just my response):

If any man asks you any question on a date you are not comfortable answering, you are under NO OBLIGATION to answer.

Simply tell these men something like:

“I will not answer that,” or, “I don’t want to say,” or, “That is none of your business,” or, “I will tell you if our relationship progresses and I feel safe divulging this to you.”

When you are dating a person (especially in the early stages, the first few dates), you do not have to share any information with them that you do not wish! If that is a deal breaker for the ass monkeys you are on a date with, then so be it; it’s their loss.

Dec 2015 letter to Dear Abby:

DEAR ABBY:

• I am turning 40 and have never been married.
• Lately, on dates, men have started asking me why I’ve never married. It makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t know how to answer them.

Husband’s Money Mismanagement Gets Couple Evicted Wife Wants A Divorce

Husband’s Money Mismanagement Gets Couple Evicted Wife Wants A Divorce

Boy do I ever relate to this. I don’t blame her one bit for dumping his sorry ass. My ex (fiance) was a financial drain. She should divorce this guy.

Letter to Dear Abby, July 2014:
DEAR ABBY:

My husband and I have been married for 19 years. We have had our ups and downs, but the last few months have been hell. My husband lies about having paid bills.

When I ask, “Have you paid the rent?” I mean “in full,” not a partial payment. We have now been evicted for nonpayment of rent and are living in a hotel. Utilities have been cut off because of his partial payments and his lying about their having been paid in full, and I’m tired of it.

It’s not just the two of us who have been affected because of his mismanagement of money, but also our two children who are caught up in this mess.

I’m not one of those wives who sit around not knowing what’s going on with the finances. I have bills I pay for the house, too, and after they are paid I give him money to pay other bills.

I am sick and tired, Abby, and I want to divorce him. What other choice do I have? The “for richer or poorer” thing is no longer working for me. How much should a person tolerate before walking away from marriage?
— HAD ENOUGH IN TENNESSEE

Dump his broke ass, honey.
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Related posts, this blog:

(Link): Divorced From My Husband, and My Faith by Tova Mirvis – Also: Why It May Be Wiser For Women to Enter First Marriage At Age 40+

(Link): Utah lawmaker targets women with new divorce barriers so men aren’t ‘surprised’ – Alabama Also Considering It

(Link): Divorce Rates in America Decreasing But Divorce Rates on Increase Among Southern Baptists

(Link): Posts By A. Marcotte Re Various Topics E.G.: Pre-Marital Sex, Virginity, Modesty Teachings, Marriage, Divorce, Childfree, Birth Control, Early Marriage, Gender Roles, Female Libido, etc

(Link): Study: Conservative Protestants’ divorce rates spread to their red state neighbors

(Link): Rush to early marriage feeds Utah’s higher-than-average divorce rate (article)

(Link): Pat Robertson: Humans Have Sexual Drives of Animals and Twice Divorced People are “Losers” (ie, they are not marriage material, they keep picking losers)

(Link): Bias and Discrimination Against Singles and Females – Woman Fired by Christian Employer for Being Divorced but Her Male Divorced Co-Workers Not Fired

(Link): Focus on the Family Members Practice Infidelity or Homosexuality and Get Divorced and Remarry – links to exposes

(Link): Remarriage rates plunge as divorced Americans have doubts – and about Christian culture and divorce and remarriage vs singleness

Bride to Be is Cheating Liar / Mom with Five Kids by Five Dads / Letter About Husband who is Immature Man Child

Bride to Be is Cheating Liar / Letter About Husband who is Immature Man Child

Stories like these make me glad I am single and celibate.

Notice that the husband in one letter below is described as being immature, which refutes the Christians myth that marriage automatically makes people mature.

Letters to Dear Abby from three different people.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend is getting married and asked me to be her maid of honor. She has also asked me to buy an expensive dress, host a lavish shower I’m afraid I can’t afford and plan a destination bachelorette party. The cost will be exorbitant.

On top of this, she has asked me to be her “cover” when she lies to her fiance about where she is. She has admitted to me that she has cheated on him, and I think she’s doing it again.

I know it’s not my place to question her or tell her what to do, but this has made me hesitant to commit financially to her wedding. Should I talk to her about this? I don’t want to lose my best friend, but I also don’t want to put my money on the line for someone who isn’t being honest.
— DRAGGING MY HEELS IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY:
I don’t know where to start so I will just plunge in: I have five kids by five different men. I am not a terrible person. I have a job, take care of my babies and am working toward a degree. But sometimes I feel like the ultimate loser. I get judged all the time. I’m so ashamed of the choices I have made in life. Will it ever be better?
– 5 KIDS, 5 DADS IN OREGON

DEAR ABBY:
My husband thinks we should snuggle up and sleep together even when we’re sick. I think it’s common courtesy to keep a respectable distance from loved ones and to clean up after yourself when you have a “bug” that is communicable. I need to stay as healthy as possible to keep up with the needs of our child, the housework and my job while my husband is sick. Your thoughts?
— MARRIED TO A MAN-CHILD WHO NEEDS A MOMMY

Related posts

(Link) Entitled Controlling Bridezilla Makes Outrageous Picky Demands of Her Bridesmades

(Link): The new bride who had a horrifying allergic reaction to her husband’s sperm

Men Posting Profiles on Dating Sites Could Use Some Tips (from Dear Abby column)

Men Posting Profiles on Dating Sites Could Use Some Tips (from Dear Abby column)

I totally agree with this. I would expect immature 18 or 20 something males to post immature, vulgar or moronic commentary or photos on their dating site profiles, but back in the day when I tried dating sites (in my mid 30s and a bit in my late 30s), I was astounded by the number of males, ages 30 up to 75, who say lewd things on their profiles.

This includes men who identify as CHRISTIAN. That’s right, men who claimed to be Christian would tell me up front or very early in the onlilne dating game what their preferred sexual positions were, or make inappropriate sex related jokes on their profile pages. None of that is attractive to women, especially not to Christian women.

To add to her points on the list below, I’d add:

Men:
-do not send unsolicited penis photos to a woman;
-do send or post anything of a sexual nature on your profile, unless you are specifically on a sex oriented site such as “Adult Friend Finder” or whatever that Whore Hook-up site is (and when I say whore, I’m including men who are looking for casual sex);
-do not make lewd jokes or use filthy language on your profile page
-do not state what your sexual preferences are on your profile or bring this topic up when sending messages back and forth with a woman.
-do not state you are 45 years old when it’s damn obvious from your profile photo you’re more like 75 years old

(Link): MEN POSTING PROFILES ON DATING SITES COULD USE A FEW TIPS

DEAR ABBY:

May I sit in your chair and give some advice today?

It’s aimed at men who place ads on dating sites and then wonder why they can’t meet “quality” women.

I’m an educated, decent-looking, middle-aged widow who has dated quite a lot through such ads and local social groups.

Yes, it can be a jungle out there, but the Internet is a wonderful tool for bringing people together.

I live in a small town, and the pool of eligible men is smaller here than in metropolitan areas. That said, there are few profiles that attract my attention and that of my divorced/widowed friends.

Gentlemen, some pointers:

1. Smile! A dour expression is unpleasant.

2. We may want to see you with your shirt off after we get to know you, but it’s not the most appealing or refined pose for a first look.

3. Be realistic. If you are Joe Average, we Jane Averages would enjoy meeting you. Are you really going to hold out for a model who is a decade or so younger than you?

4. Be kind to the English language.
You don’t have to be a genius, but it would be nice to know you can competently communicate in writing.

5. Consider a shave.
Some women like men with facial hair; the majority of the ones I know do not. About 75 percent of men over 50 have a mustache, beard or both. What are you hiding under there?

6. If you’re married and miserable, for goodness sake, go for marriage counseling or get a divorce. But please don’t deceive women who want to meet a nice guy to share life with.

In case you think I’m being too harsh, we gals welcome any suggestions from men who scroll through those female profiles looking for love.
— SURFING IN PETERSBURG, ILL.

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Related posts:

(Link): 25 Women Reveal Their Biggest Dating Profile Dealbreakers

(Link): Stop Telling Your Single Friends to Try Dating Sites – Please.

(Link): Beware of Rapists on Christian Dating Sites

(Link): Women Do Care About Male Looks but Don’t Go For Penis Photos

(Link): Various articles about online dating – Online dating leads to marriage / why men fail at online dating – other articles

(Link): Online Dating Fatigue is a Real Thing and It’s Happening to Everyone by Madison Vanderberg

(Link): Police urge caution when using dating websites / Murderers on Dating Sites

(Link): Woman Meets Man on Dating Site, He Steals Her Dog and TV on First Date

(Link): Is it a date? Or hanging out? [2014] Survey reflects confusion (article)

(Link): Why Online Dating Doesn’t Work

(Link): Internet dating firms entice lonely hearts with faked profiles based on real people (article)

(Link): Blogs by Single Women Who Discuss the Weirdos, Perverts and Losers Who Contact Them on Dating Sites

(Link): Creepizoids Weirdos and Perverts on Dating Sites

(Link): Weird Dating Sites, Toilet Dating, Dating Sites and Privacy

(Link): Online Dating: Women Want Younger Men (article)

(Link): Why Online Dating Doesn’t Work (article)

(Link): Facebook Uses Photo of Dead Girl (by suicide) in Dating Site Ad

(Link): Online Dating Vs Meeting in Real Life (copy)

Christian Life Script Propaganda – life doesn’t always turn out like you hope or want

Christian Life Script Propaganda – life doesn’t always turn out like you hope or want

Here is a letter by a woman who expected her son to marry and pop out a few grandchildren for her. He says he is bi-sexual, has a boyfriend, and has no intention of ever having children. The mother says she feels “cheated.”

I’ve no idea if this woman is Christian or not, but that is not the point.

It is not only still an expectation and hope among Christian parents and Christian culture for people to marry, have kids, but also in a lot of secular culture.

But Christians in particular make it sound like if you just follow the rules – pray to Jesus enough, have enough faith, tithe regularly, remain chaste and pure – that God will grant your a godly spouse and perfect, loving kids, who will one day grow up to marry and give you grandchildren.

Well, sometimes life does not work out the way you had planned or hoped, and it does not matter how good and godly you were or are. Case in point (from “Dear Abby” advice column):

DEAR ABBY:
My only son is 18. He didn’t attend his prom. He quit school and goes to night school instead.

I’ll never see him in a cap and gown, holding his diploma.

On top of that, he told me six months ago that he’s bisexual and that he has a boyfriend in the U.K. I’m having a hard time with all of this.

I taught my son to love and respect everyone, regardless of race, religion or sexual orientation. Now I’m afraid I won’t have any grandchildren. Even more upsetting, he wants to move to the U.K. to be with his 26-year-old boyfriend.

I feel so cheated — no prom, no graduation, no grandchildren! I’m scared and I cry every day. How do I accept him being him?
— CHEATED IN CONNECTICUT

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Related posts this blog

(Link): Cheating Married Christian Women and Lessons I Take Away – and Being a Virgin Does Not Guarantee God will Send You a Spouse

(Link): Typical Incorrect Conservative Christian Assumption: If you want marriage bad enough, Mr. Right will magically appear

(Link): Following the Usual Advice Won’t Get You Dates or Married – Even Celebrities Have A Hard Time

(Link): Getting Married Does Not Necessarily Guarantee Frequent Hot Satisfying Sexy Sex – Husband is Sexless for Eight Years (article)

(Link): Getting Married Does Not Necessarily Guarantee Frequent Hot Satisfying Sexy Sex / (also discussed): Gender and Sex Stereotypes (article)

(Link): Marriage Doesn’t Necessarily Guarantee Great Sex or Any At All

Family Shortchanges Singles (letter to Dear Abby)

Family Shortchanges Singles (letter to Dear Abby)

Dear Abby: A recent letter expressing concern regarding the manner in which a wedding invitation had been issued prompts me to write you about my objection to the way singles are often treated in that regard.

We have two sons, both past 35 and professional men, who are happily unmarried and have their own homes in cities many miles from ours.

Invitations for weddings, graduations and other occasions, as well as Christmas cards, often come to us with their names tacked on as if they were still children. Anyone who does not have their addresses could obtain them with a simple phone call. Instead, we seem to be expected to call them long-distance or write to them to relay the invitation or greeting. They, in turn, have made it a practice not to attend any function when invited in this manner.

Their grandmother excluded them from her magazine gift subscription list, saying, “That is only for the married ones. They can read yours.” (No mention was made of the miles between us.)

Are single adults being treated in this manner for the purpose of saving the cost of an additional acknowledgment and postage stamp, or is it merely thoughtlessness on the part of the sender? Or are singles not considered valid social entities by some?

Abby, please let your readers know that single adults are indeed adults and should be treated in an adult manner.

[from] Steamed in the Midwest

Dear Steamed: You just did. And I couldn`t have said it better. Thanks for writing.