What It’s Like To Date As A 30-Something Virgin by B. Wong

(Link): What It’s Like To Date As A 30-Something Virgin

Excerpts:

October 2018

by B. Wong
“You can go without sex. That’s much less of a problem than going through life alone, and without affection.”

It’s Not You, It’s Me is a series that looks at dating in America from the perspective of different ethnicities, sexual identities, life experiences and circumstances.

Forget butt play or the pull-out method: The latest trend in sex might be forgoing it altogether.

According to a recent study out of University College London, millennials are waiting longer to have sex than members of previous generations, with 12.5 percent of them abstaining until age 26.

But some wait even longer than that. We recently talked to three people who have remained virgins well into their 30s — one by choice, the other two by happenstance. Below, they tell us more about how they’ve remained abstinent this long and what it’s like to date when you’ve never had sex.

Responses have been edited for clarity and style, with last names withheld for privacy.

People remain virgins for so many different reasons. For you, was it an intentional choice to abstain from sex?

Brianna, a 35-year-old programmer from Indianapolis, Indiana:

My reasons are a bit of a mixed bag.

I was raised very conservatively and was told that sex before marriage was a sin, so that kept me a virgin for a while. Then, when I outgrew that thinking, it was a matter of waiting to find someone I felt comfortable enough with to consider that next step.

It just hasn’t happened. I date and have had a couple of relationships get as far as three months or so, but no one long term. So, I’m still a virgin.

Matt, a tech industry worker in his mid-30s who lives in Lansing, Michigan:

I grew up with fairly severe social anxiety, which I’ve never completely overcome. I had some early rejections in late high school and early college that completely ruined what self-esteem I had.

Continue reading “What It’s Like To Date As A 30-Something Virgin by B. Wong”

How One Man Has Broken Up 4,000 Relationships and Caused 17 Divorces In Just 10 Days

How One Man Has Broken Up 4,000 Relationships and Caused 17 Divorces In Just 10 Days

(Link): How one man has broken up 4,000 relationships and caused 17 divorces – in just 10 days

And the number is still rising…

by Nicola Oakley

Sitting down to watch Netflix on a Saturday night is something many people do with their other half.

If so, you might want to steer clear of Daniel Sloss’ show – as it might lead to bit of an awkward moment or, worse still, the demise of your relationship.

The Scottish comedian says a 20-minute joke in one of his shows has been responsible for more than 4,000 break-ups.

His live stand-up routines have been streaming on Netflix since September 11 – yes, it only became available to view 10 days ago.

In his show Jigsaw, the 28-year-old, from Fife, rubbishes the notion that everyone has a soulmate, saying the message society puts out is: “If you are not with someone, you are broken. If you are not with someone, you are incomplete. If you are not with someone, you are not whole.”

As a result, we are made to feel as though we need a partner to feel complete – meaning many settle and end up with the wrong person.

Continue reading “How One Man Has Broken Up 4,000 Relationships and Caused 17 Divorces In Just 10 Days”

Ask Amy: These Sex-Crazed Weirdos Turned Me Off Internet Dating

Ask Amy: These Sex-Crazed Weirdos Turned Me Off Internet Dating

Hey, me too! I was also turned off of internet dating because of all the sex-crazed and vulgar weirdos who were on the dating sites.

Self-professing Christian men I came across on dating sites were so disgusting. They had crass, sexually charged jokes in their profiles, some of them stated sexual preferences right up front in the early stages of online dating or had such things listed on their profiles, so I gave up on dating sites.

I had a few other reasons why I gave up on online dating, but that was one of them.

(Link):  Ask Amy: These Sex-Crazed Weirdos Turned Me Off Internet Dating

(alt link)

DEAR AMY:

I am just coming out of an eight-year relationship with a man I met through an internet dating site.

Back then, all of my friends (and therapist) were aggressively urging me toward internet dating. I said I would try it for a month.

Before the month was up, I met “Don.”

Although the “plus” of this experience was meeting Don, I felt the rest of it was awful. I met a number of “single” men who were married.

I met a number of “50- and 60-” year-olds who were actually in their 70s or 80s.

Continue reading “Ask Amy: These Sex-Crazed Weirdos Turned Me Off Internet Dating”

Doctor Reveals 19 Unhealthy Signs You Could Be Genuinely Addicted to Your Partner

Doctor Reveals 19 Unhealthy Signs You Could Be Genuinely Addicted to Your Partner

(Link): Doctor Reveals 19 Unhealthy Signs You Could Be Genuinely Addicted to Your Partner

Excerpts:

It is often said that love conquers all and the throes of romance are a buzz that’s hard to beat, but could being in love actually be bad for you?

Experts say the way people’s brains work means you can become addicted to your partner in the same way you could be hooked on drugs or food.

If you are infatuated with your partner you could develop a dependency which has knock-on effects on your mental health, your job and your friends and family.

Dr. Femke Buisman-Pijlman, an addiction researcher at Australia’s University of Adelaide, and author and counsellor Margaret Paul, PhD, have come up with 19 signs that you could be unhealthily attached to your other half.

‘We can get addicted to people just as we can to alcohol or food,’ says Paul.

‘It’s a form of self-abandonment where you use another person to avoid responsibility for your feelings.’

Continue reading “Doctor Reveals 19 Unhealthy Signs You Could Be Genuinely Addicted to Your Partner”

The Dating Project: A Documentary Movie About Singleness and Dating

The Dating Project: A Documentary Movie About Singleness and Dating

I saw one of the movie-makers for The Dating Project interviewed, and she says that this movie is promoting the idea that people start dating again.

The focus is on younger people, but I see this problem among folks over the age of 30 as well. If you are 30 or older now (as of April 2018) and grew up in a conservative Christian family or church, you were probably taught (and still taught) a bunch of dating concepts and ideas that have actually kept you single (see this post as an example).

I am over the age of 40 and have never married. I was engaged in my late 20s to my early 30s but broke up with my fiance. I have always wanted to be married, but I never found the right person.

As far as I could tell in seeing the interview with the woman film-maker of this dating movie, the assumption seems to be that being single is “second best” or weird.

Let me just say, as I’ve said many times on this blog, that on the one hand, while there is nothing wrong with being married or wanting to get married, that there is also nothing wrong with being single, and it is wrong to (Link): to denigrate singleness to promote marriage.

I’d like my desire for marriage to be respected, but at the same time, so long as I remain single, (Link): I’d also like myself and my singlehood status to be respected, not jeered, mocked, or put down by conservatives, who frequently shake their index fingers in the faces of singles like myself, and who write fear-mongering articles about how supposedly single life is so much more horrible than married life (see anything written by (Link): Bradford Wilcox or (Link): Mark Regnerus), all because they are worried about declining marriage rates.

I want to be married one day, and I don’t appreciate Christians telling me that my desire for marriage is “an idol” (for it is not), but I also do not appreciate Christians or secular talking heads on television news stations shaming singles for being single and for making singleness sound as though it’s a disease one should be ashamed of having.

Many times, conservatives (of which I am one) assume, quite wrongly, that any one who is single past the age of 30 is single deliberately. Especially if one is a single female past age 30, Christian talking heads will write blog posts or opine on television news programs that such women must have put career over marriage, or they are harpies who hate men – but this is usually not the case.

As a right wing (conservative) woman who always desired marriage, I find myself single by circumstance, not due to choice. I did not put career above dating or marriage, and so on and so forth. I find such assumptions, which are often held by other conservatives and by many Christians, deeply insulting and ask my fellow conservatives to stop making such assumptions.

The Dating Project Movie

Here are some links to articles about The Dating Project movie (a movie which I’ve only read a little bit about, I have not seen it yet):

(Link):

(Link):  From hook-ups to romance, ‘The Dating Project’ explores the one thing we all want

(Link):  BC Professor Says Traditional Dating Has Deteriorated 

(Link):  Dating 101: Film takes aim at America’s hookup culture and the death of courtship

Excerpts:

The shock of reading Laura Sessions Stepp’s 2007 book, “Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both,” hadn’t worn off when I was offered the opportunity to view an advanced screening of “The Dating Project,” a film about modern relationships that will be released nationwide—for one night only—on April 17. Both are a wake-up call for Americans, many of whom are in the dark about how dramatically dating has changed.

So dramatically, in fact, that it no longer exists. Dating is officially dead.

Continue reading “The Dating Project: A Documentary Movie About Singleness and Dating”

Annie Murphy’s Sex and Relationship Column Gives Some Fantastic Advice About “Losing Your Virginity” by Princess Weekes

Annie Murphy’s Sex and Relationship Column Gives Some Fantastic Advice About “Losing Your Virginity” by Princess Weekes

In my several years of blogging here about sexually related topics – celibacy and virginity included – this is only about the third or fourth article I’ve seen by liberals (this site I quote below, The Mary Sue, leans left) discouraging “virgin shaming,” and encouraging women to remain virgins if they want to.

Respecting virginity is very rare these days – virginity usually gets mocked – and this is especially true of liberal feminists, but even right wingers and conservative Christians are pretty bad about this subject.

I’ve never understood how “sex positive” feminists can hold such a double standard – they run about insisting that culture respects any and all female decisions regarding sex, but they always make an exception regarding virginity. Like (Link): this, for example. Many “sex positive” feminists are just fine with ridiculing women who are virgins by choice.

(Link):  Annie Murphy’s Sex and Relationship Column Gives Some Fantastic Advice About “Losing Your Virginity”

by Princess Weekes

Feelings about sex and virginity are very individualized. Everyone matures at a different level, and even though we claim to live in a sex-positive era, there is still a level of judgment when it comes to people who are virgins.

Continue reading “Annie Murphy’s Sex and Relationship Column Gives Some Fantastic Advice About “Losing Your Virginity” by Princess Weekes”

Dear Abby: I Gave Up Dating, and 30 Years Later, I’m Lonely

Dear Abby: I Gave Up Dating, and 30 Years Later, I’m Lonely

This post has been edited to add even more reader comments from other sites that published this Abby letter. Virtually nobody is sympathetic with this guy.


I was genuinely feeling empathy and sympathy for this dude, right up until this phrase in his letter to Dear Abby:

I’m not attracted to women my age, and I don’t see younger women being attracted to an overweight old guy…”

Die alone, ageist rat bastard!

You’re in your 70s, by your own admission, you’re dumpy- or tubby- looking and don’t have a great income, but you pine after some 20, 30, or 40 or 50 year old hottie? (And I bet this sexist pig jerk expects any chick he dates to not only be younger but very thin, too.)

Oh get bent, ten times over!

Continue reading “Dear Abby: I Gave Up Dating, and 30 Years Later, I’m Lonely”

14 Better Ways to Break the Ice on Dating Apps – from Marie Claire

(Link): 14 Better Ways to Break the Ice on Dating Apps – from Marie Claire

Excerpts:

….As users fill in their bios, they’re directed to ask an icebreaker question [on some dating sites], which is featured front and center on the profile, underneath the photo.

Matches must answer it initiate a connection, but it’s an easy, pressure-free way to begin a convo (and decidedly more interesting than “hey, what’s up”). So to help put those good ol’ fashioned conversational skills to task, here’s a list of tension-melting opening lines you haven’t heard a million times.

1. Tell me your life story in five emojis.

This is a non-intimidating way for someone to tell you who they are and a chance for your match to show off their cleverness.

2. If it was your last day on earth, what would eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Their answer gives you insight into their palate, as well as provides some potential dinner date ideas down the line.

Continue reading “14 Better Ways to Break the Ice on Dating Apps – from Marie Claire”

Is Your Online Date Deadly? Here’s How To Spot The Red Flags from Infomania

Is Your Online Date Deadly? Here’s How To Spot The Red Flags -from InfoMania

(Link): Is Your Online Date Deadly? Here’s How To Spot The Red Flags

To see the entire list of tips, please use the link above and visit their site. This is only a partial list:

Excerpts:

by H. Redlitz

Did you know that. . .

  • 10% of sex offenders use online dating sites
  • 3% of online daters are psychopaths
  • 51% of online daters are already in a relationship
  • 10% of members on free dating websites are scammers
  • Since 1995, 400 people have been murdered by someone they met online

Considering these stats, the grim reality is that if you date online, you’re likely to run into a few freaky fish before you find a good catch.

But for some women, meeting Mr. Wrong can be the last mistake they ever make. Nadine Aburas, Tori Ann Pennington, Julissa Brisman – these are just some of the women who have been murdered in recent years by men they met online. The list of women who have been raped or sexually assaulted by online dates is even longer.

Online dating is now a normal part of our social lives, but how do you protect yourself or a loved one from the dangers of meeting strangers online? Watch out for these red flags of online dating.

Read Between The Lines Of Their Dating Profile

… (Link): FBI profiler Mary Ellen O’Toole, who worked on notorious cases such as the Green River Killer and the hunt for the Unabomber, advises online daters to pay attention to the wording used in dating profiles.

Continue reading “Is Your Online Date Deadly? Here’s How To Spot The Red Flags from Infomania”

Here’s What Dating Sites Are Like If You’re A Woman by Taylor Bolduc

Here’s What Dating Sites Are Like If You’re A Woman by Taylor Bolduc

(Link): Here’s What Dating Sites Are Like If You’re A Woman

Excerpts:

Dating is hard.

Dating is really hard.

First you have to find someone with whom you share a mutual attraction, then you have to make sure that you want the same thing in terms of commitment.

But the hardest part is meeting someone. As a result, many have turned to online dating sites. In fact, a third of recently married couples met online. They’re also less likely to break up.

But online dating is different for men and women. As the saying goes: “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.”

Continue reading “Here’s What Dating Sites Are Like If You’re A Woman by Taylor Bolduc”

Why I Bring All My Baggage On First Dates by Steph Montgomery

Why I Bring All My Baggage On First Dates by Steph Montgomery

(Link): Why I Bring All My Baggage On First Dates

When I first reentered the dating pool after leaving my husband, I made a surprising discovery: Apparently, sometime during the decade-plus that I’d been married, all the single men completely forgot how to read.

…I’m a single mom with a demanding job and not a lot of spare time to waste; I figured the more I shared about who I was, the better.

After a few super-awkward first dates, though, I learned how optimistic it had been to expect the men who contacted me to pay attention to what I’d written.

Continue reading “Why I Bring All My Baggage On First Dates by Steph Montgomery”

The Unlikely Thing You Need to Mention In Your Dating Profile That Will Guarantee You More Matches

The Unlikely Thing You Need to Mention In Your Dating Profile That Will Guarantee You More Matches

(Link): The Unlikely Thing You Need to Mention In Your Dating Profile That Will Guarantee You More Matches

Excerpts:

Dating apps like Tinder, Grindr and Bumble are no longer new, which means people have to be creative if they want to stand out.

And according to a recent study conducted by Zoosk we should all be changing our dating app bio to something food-related in order to receive more responses.

The company found that food preferences have an impact on how we interact with each other romantically.

‘Overall, any mention of food in an online dating profile is going to result in an increase in inbound messages,’ the study stated.

…One of the most important things to take away from the survey was that talking about food in your profile makes you more attractive.

‘Some foods, such as guacamole, potatoes and chocolate are particularly successful at increasing the amount of messages (users with these foods in their profile have over 100 percent more incoming messages than the average),’ they said.

Why Is There Shame Around Being a ‘Relationship Virgin’ by B. DePaulo

Why Is There Shame Around Being a ‘Relationship Virgin’ by B. DePaulo

I was engaged in my early 30s, so this isn’t wholly applicable to me.

I did have an internet friend who, when I was around my late 30s, she was in her early 30s, and she confided in me that she felt bad about herself because she had never had a boyfriend or been on a date or anything.

I don’t know if this would mean anything or not to the person who wants a significant other but can’t seem to get one, and who’s never had one, but – it’s not what it’s cracked up to be if you’re with the wrong person. I was engaged to a few years to a guy, but he was so self-absorbed and had so many other flaws, the relationship brought me misery.

In my view, it’s better to be single, or to be of a “never was in a relationship” status, than to have been  in a lousy, non-satisfying relationship. The only thing I can say about my ex is “hey, I was engaged once.”

And that’s about it.

My ex used me, he was awful. I didn’t gain anything good out of our relationship, except experience and a resolve to never allow myself to be mis-treated by a guy ever again.

(Link): Why is there shame around being a ‘relationship virgin’? I’d be proud to be one.

by B. DePaulo

Excerpts:

I knew something was up when I got five emails in one day from people I didn’t know, all telling me they were “relationship virgins.” The impetus, I soon learned, was an (Link): essay in the Guardian about a woman who “managed to get to 54 without ever having had a boyfriend.”

…At the heart of this story were this woman’s attempts to answer the question: “What’s the matter with me?” Was she too awkward? Too desperate? Too insecure? Some of the people who wrote to me were grappling with the same question. My best guess is that nothing was wrong with them.

Continue reading “Why Is There Shame Around Being a ‘Relationship Virgin’ by B. DePaulo”

Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?

Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?

I believe that the Christian “equally yoked” teaching is stupid and acts as a hindrance to Christian single women who’d like to marry.

Also, (Link):  a lot of self professing Christian men are abusive or pigs, so if you’re a Christian woman, you should marry a guy on the basis of how he treats you – not if he claims to believe in Jesus or not.

By the way, I am a little confused by the heading which says that the letter write is an atheist – in her letter, she seems to say that she does believe in God but is not “as religious” as her boyfriend is.

(Link): Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?

(Link) Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?

DEAR ABBY:

For the first time in my life, I am in love. We met about a month ago. I know he’s the man I have waited my entire life to meet. I am 33, so I know what I feel isn’t just lust.

We have one huge hurdle, though: religion. He’s actively religious, while I am not, and he doesn’t believe our relationship can survive this difference.

Continue reading “Dear Abby: Can an atheist and a devout Christian make it work?”

Hax Column: 30-Something Guy Refuses to Marry Anyone Who’s Already Been Married

You have to like these guys who sound like awful people but who are very demanding and picky about who they want to date and marry.

Like the guy described in this letter.

DEAR CAROLYN (Hax):

My brother has been dating a woman for about a year, and my entire immediate family does not like her. Even my super easygoing husband thinks she is terrible. I am serious. She is manipulative, passive-aggressive, immature, and has a self-righteous streak that goes for miles.

My mom is just crushed that this girl will likely marry my brother. I think if he thinks she is so great then let him make this HUGE mistake.

He is 34 and complains that there are so few women out there who have never married and have no kids (requirements for him), so I think he is feeling a bit desperate.

Continue reading “Hax Column: 30-Something Guy Refuses to Marry Anyone Who’s Already Been Married”

Why You Shouldn’t Date the Guy Who Acts the Most Interested by J. Birch

Why You Shouldn’t Date the Guy Who Acts the Most Interested by J. Birch

(Link): Why You Shouldn’t Date the Guy Who Acts the Most Interested by J. Birch

Excerpts:

…. Despite lingering doubts, she ended up in a marriage by her mid-20s — with a husband whose enthusiasm was not, in fact, all it had seemed to be. It waned over time.

He did not defend her in front of his family members, they fought constantly, he did not consider her feelings. By her late 20s, she was divorced, with a whole slew of different (and correct) thoughts about “how things should be” the next time around.

Addison isn’t alone in her previous beliefs about dating and relationships. Somewhere along the way, women were told, “You deserve to be pursued!” and, yeah, we just went with it.

Through my research (and even among friends), I’ve met plenty of women who’ve literally gone their entire lives letting men sort themselves by early, most-evident interest.

Their “single girl” dating ritual is simple: Strongest pursuer wins. (Side note: This is a heteronormative exploration of dating rituals and for that reason a heteronormative article on said rituals.)

With a (Link): culture of ghosting, bread-crumbing, zombie-ing, and just flat-out constant shuffling, I get that things seem inherently fragile out there, and lots of people want to insulate against rejection.

Continue reading “Why You Shouldn’t Date the Guy Who Acts the Most Interested by J. Birch”

Five Signs The Person You Are Dating Is Using You by L. Rose

Five Signs The Person You Are Dating Is Using You by L. Rose

I’m only going to provide excerpts, so if you want to see all five reasons, please use the link to visit their page.

(Link): Five Signs The Person You Are Dating Is Using You

Here’s what you need to look out for.

2. They make you feel small.

And actually, feeling good with the person is also a sign that you are not being used.

The person you’re with should build you up, make you feel happy and like life is better than it is without them.

Continue reading “Five Signs The Person You Are Dating Is Using You by L. Rose”

Dating in Your 40s (Advice Columnist M. Goldstein)

Dating in Your 40s (Advice Columnist M. Goldstein)

(Link): Dating in Your 40s (Advice Columnist M. Goldstein)

Q. Where is a single woman in her 40s supposed to look for love?

Though I had some decent luck in my 20s, it doesn’t seem that online dating is a viable option when you are midlife and not interested in hookups, and I tend to see the same people on all the different sites.

Once upon a time it was fresh and attracted a lot of different people, but it seems that online dating has run its course as a legitimate way to meet people, based on my experiences.

Continue reading “Dating in Your 40s (Advice Columnist M. Goldstein)”

I’m In My 40s, Want To Marry, But Never Like A Guy More Than A Year (Letter to Advice Columnist)

I’m In My 40s, Want To Marry, But Never Like A Guy More Than A Year (Letter to Advice Columnist)

(Link):  I’m in my 40s, want to marry, but never like a guy more than a year. (Letter to Advice Columnist)

Prudie advises a letter writer who is fortysomething, wants to marry, but never likes a guy for more than a year.


[Dear Prudie]:

Q. Uncertain: I’m in my early 40s, never married, no kids, but always wanted both. I’m in a relationship of 10 months. The guy could not be sweeter or a person of better character.

He loves me and treats me well. I was so in love the first six months but he is increasingly getting on my nerves—he is a bit quirky and goofy. And I don’t always find it amusing; increasingly I find it irritating.

Continue reading “I’m In My 40s, Want To Marry, But Never Like A Guy More Than A Year (Letter to Advice Columnist)”

The Reason Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others by D. Brennan

The Reason Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others by D. Brennan

If you’re a single woman who’d like to be married, you definitely need to read the following page. It’s very long but well worth the read.

I will only copy some excerpts from the page, not the entire thing.

(Link): The Reason Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others

He’s not a dating expert, nor an advice columnist, psychologist or relationship therapist. His expertise lies in the field of market research and he applies his scientific skills to educate women with all they need to know about men.

In his book, “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others,” author John Molloy says that women will discover the proven facts and figures that will help them find and marry Mr. Right. Here’s an excerpt:

Is he old enough to marry?

This survey uncovered some interesting facts. The first was that there is an age when a man is ready to marry-the Age of Commitment. The age varies from man to man, but there are patterns that are easily identified:

  • …Once men reach age 47 to 50 without marrying, the chances they will marry do not disappear, but they drop dramatically.

Signing off on the scene

When we conducted a focus group with 12 men who had just proposed to women, we learned that men were far more likely to marry when they got tired of the singles scene.

…They had not stopped dating. It’s just that they were no longer going to singles hangouts and trying to pick up women several times a week.

…There were two notable exceptions to the age guidelines: men who were balding or heavy. Losing hair or putting on weight often makes men look older, and when a man looks older in singles places, he is often treated by the women as if he doesn’t belong.

Bachelors for life?

It’s easy to spot a confirmed bachelor. He’s so used to living alone that he will list the pleasures of the solo life-coming and going as he pleases, not answering to anyone as reasons for not marrying. But there’s still hope.

Continue reading “The Reason Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others by D. Brennan”