Married To Person With Kid From Previous Marriage: Guy Says His Wife is Putting Her Son Before Their Marriage – on Not Wanting to Date Single Parents

Married To Person With Kid From Previous Marriage: Guy Says His Wife is Putting Her Son Before Their Marriage – On Not Wanting to Date Single Parents

This following letter to an advice columnist (which is linked to and excerpted much farther down this blog post) is interesting, because I guarantee you had the guy written to “Ask Amy” of the “Ask Amy” column with the same concern, Amy would  not have been sympathetic to the guy.

Amy would’ve raked him over the coals for not oozing with love and compassion for the misbehaving stepchild.

Amy, as I’ve seen, always sides with the kids or the biological parent.

If you are a person married to someone who has a bratty kid who is driving you crazy (and even to the point of wanting to divorce!), Amy will shame you terribly over it.

Amy will scream and yell about you being selfish, and she will ask you to empathize with the misbehaving, rotten kid.

(That I can recall in all my years of reading her advice column, Amy has never shown empathy to the adult who is stressed and whose marriage is strained over a hard- to- handle step-child.)

This advice columnist,  though, takes the opposite approach and blames the biological mother; he holds her accountable for the poor marital dynamics.

Continue reading “Married To Person With Kid From Previous Marriage: Guy Says His Wife is Putting Her Son Before Their Marriage – on Not Wanting to Date Single Parents”

Ask Amy: These Sex-Crazed Weirdos Turned Me Off Internet Dating

Ask Amy: These Sex-Crazed Weirdos Turned Me Off Internet Dating

Hey, me too! I was also turned off of internet dating because of all the sex-crazed and vulgar weirdos who were on the dating sites.

Self-professing Christian men I came across on dating sites were so disgusting. They had crass, sexually charged jokes in their profiles, some of them stated sexual preferences right up front in the early stages of online dating or had such things listed on their profiles, so I gave up on dating sites.

I had a few other reasons why I gave up on online dating, but that was one of them.

(Link):  Ask Amy: These Sex-Crazed Weirdos Turned Me Off Internet Dating

(alt link)

DEAR AMY:

I am just coming out of an eight-year relationship with a man I met through an internet dating site.

Back then, all of my friends (and therapist) were aggressively urging me toward internet dating. I said I would try it for a month.

Before the month was up, I met “Don.”

Although the “plus” of this experience was meeting Don, I felt the rest of it was awful. I met a number of “single” men who were married.

I met a number of “50- and 60-” year-olds who were actually in their 70s or 80s.

Continue reading “Ask Amy: These Sex-Crazed Weirdos Turned Me Off Internet Dating”

Needy Single Mom Feels Abandoned By Church Family (Ask Amy)

Needy Single Mom Feels Abandoned By Church Family (Ask Amy)

In an older post, I mentioned how it is that some older adults do not recognize just how poorly churches and Christian culture treats single adults until those older adults become single again via divorce or widowhood:
Then they notice how absolutely marriage-centric churches are, and how utterly horrid Christians are about meeting the needs of single adults.

Then you have your married parents who don’t realize how Obsessed With the Nuclear Family most churches are until their (Link): own kids grow up and move out and stop attending church with them.

Then and only then do some Christian married couples wake up to see how absolutely terrible churches are about neglecting single adults or the childless.

The woman who wrote this letter to “Ask Amy” had to go through a divorce before she noticed how anti-singles friendly her church was. Amazing.

Also, I could’ve told this woman that Christians in general are awful at showing concern, care, and empathy for people who are in pain or under-going some stress in life.

Continue reading “Needy Single Mom Feels Abandoned By Church Family (Ask Amy)”

Lonely Woman Wonders How to Make Friends (letter to Ask Amy)

Lonely Woman Wonders How to Make Friends (letter to Ask Amy)

(Link):  Lonely Woman Wonders How to Make Friends (letter to Ask Amy)

Dear Amy:

I am a 61-year-old woman, divorced for years. I have an adult daughter, and a small immediate family.

Years ago, I had lots of friends. Some moved, some got married, a lot of them are very involved with their large families, etc.

Here I am — alone. I am a very active, friendly and interesting person. I have volunteered, gone to church, participated in meet-ups, taken classes, etc.

Continue reading “Lonely Woman Wonders How to Make Friends (letter to Ask Amy)”

Single Mom Writes to Ask Amy: She’s Into Her Best Friend, But He’s Using Her

It sounds to me as though this guy is stringing her along, and she’d be better off without him.

It’s the second letter on this page:

DEAR AMY: I am a single mom. I’m in love with my best friend. He means more to me than anything, but the one thing he can’t give up is his freedom of being single. He loves me, but wants his cake and to eat it, too.

When I try to move on and date other people, he pulls me back into thinking that he wants to be with me.

I love him so much that I keep letting him play with my heart.

I am having a hard time trying to be “friends with benefits” because I have such strong feelings for him. His family loves me, his daughter loves me and my kids love him and his family.

We’ve been doing this for almost two years. I practically live there when my kids are not with me. I am afraid of letting him go. I’m afraid I won’t find someone like him. What should I do?

(Signed), Confused Heart

 

My Parents Excluded Me When I Was Single — Now They’re Doing It to My Sister (Ask Amy Column)

My Parents Excluded Me When I Was Single — Now They’re Doing It to My Sister (Ask Amy Column)

(Link): My parents excluded me when I was single — now they’re doing it to my sister (Ask Amy column)

DEAR AMY: I am a 35-year-old woman. I live in the same town as my parents.

My sister lives nearby. She married young, while I traveled and enjoyed the single life.

My parents spent a lot of time with my sister and her husband. They shared dinners, vacations and holidays. I have generally not been invited or included, as these were “couple things,” though I fail to see how Christmas is a “couples-only” event.

Continue reading “My Parents Excluded Me When I Was Single — Now They’re Doing It to My Sister (Ask Amy Column)”

Clueless, Naive, 52 Year Old Idiot Cheats on “Woman Of His Dreams”

Clueless, Naive, 52 Year Old Idiot Cheats on “Woman Of His Dreams”

If you felt like this woman was the “girl of your dreams,” there was no reason to cheat on her – well, not that cheating in other contexts is okay. I am baffled. He says this new girlfriend was the “girl of his dreams,” but he still cheated on her? Idiot.

He feels that getting re-baptized at a church would some how convince her to stay with him and not break up. Clueless.

He complains in this letter about being in “two weeks of loneliness” ever since his girlfriend broke up with him.

Oh boo hoo and SHUT UP. I’ve spent much, much longer (over a decade) single and alone, so don’t come crying to me or someone else about being single for TWO WEEKS, you dolt.

(Link): Source for the following letter.

DEAR AMY: I am a 52-year-old divorced man.

A year ago I met “Carla,” the woman of my dreams. Then last summer, I lost my job. I was under a lot of stress.

I started texting with an old girlfriend. Some conversations became sexual. I consider myself a good guy with strong morals, but I failed. The woman forwarded the texts to Carla. She was devastated and ended our relationship.

I have sent cards, flowers and many texts. Carla said she’s moving on and that I should, too. But what I did affected me so much that I was baptized at my church because I needed a fresh start.

I need to show the love of my life that I’m not playing around anymore.

I will do anything to get my girl back. It has been two weeks of loneliness, but it feels like a lifetime.

I know I shouldn’t push too hard. But I don’t want to be forgotten.

Signed,

Devastated

What an idiot.

Jaded, Bitter, Entitled Sam The Single Man Claims that All Women Who Say “They Aren’t That Kind of Girl” Are Liars

Jaded, Bitter, Entitled Sam The Single Man Claims that All Women Who Say “They Aren’t That Kind of Girl” Are Liars

The guy who wrote this letter to ‘Ask Amy’ sounds like a bitter, cynical, entitled sexist ass-hat.

I for one “am not that kind of girl.” Women such as me do in fact exist. If you date me, and I turn down sex on the basis of, “I’m not that kind of girl,” I am speaking the truth.

I am over the age of 40 and still a virgin. Even though now my views on sex have relaxed, and I’d be willing to have sex prior to marriage, but not on a first date, or even a second date, but only within the context of a steady, committed relationship.

So yes, to you assh*le who wrote this letter to Ask Amy, “Sam,” some women are in fact “not that kind of girl” and do not have sex with a man they’ve just met.

I think you don’t want a steady relationship but a one-night stand, in which case, stop using dating sites like eHarmony, Yahoo Personals, or Match and stick with “Booty Call .com” or “Tindr,” which are designed specifically for casual sex, you idiot.

DEAR AMY:

When two people first meet and the guy wants to have sex, why is it that many women say, “I am not that kind of girl, and I need to get to know you better“?

That is actually a big lie that women tell. After all, if the guy who wanted to have sex with them was George Clooney, it’s unthinkable that they would say, “I’m not that kind of girl.”

Every woman is “that kind of girl” with a select few men under the right circumstances.

Continue reading “Jaded, Bitter, Entitled Sam The Single Man Claims that All Women Who Say “They Aren’t That Kind of Girl” Are Liars”

Single, Adult Woman Lies on Church Employment Form About Pre-Marital Sex and Sexual Orientation, Says Friend – Letter to Ask Amy Advice Column

Single, Adult Woman Lies on Church Employment Form About Pre-Marital Sex and Sexual Orientation, Says Friend – Letter to Ask Amy Advice Column

I’ll paste in the letter below, and probably Amy’s response. I think Amy dropped the ball on her reply, for the most part.

I’m using this letter not so much as it pertains to homosexuality, but the phenomenon of singles (or anyone, I guess) lying about their sexual habits or pasts, especially in a church context.

When I was growing up, my parents encouraged me to seek a marital partner at church. The thought being that I could meet a decent, kind, stable man at a church and marry the guy.

The problem is (as I’ve detailed on this blog time and again) is that churches attract all sorts of weirdos, perverts, and losers (and liars).

If you are a single Christian woman who insists on meeting a single man at a church, you better be well aware that just because a guy is attending church, works at said church, or says he loves Jesus and is a Christian, does not mean he is a nice guy or is honest. He might be a child rapist, a woman abuser, or have a raging pornography addiction.

The letter below is about a lesbian woman who misrepresented herself (her sexual nature / sexual history) to a church to get hired, contra to  Ask Amy’s spin on it (you can read a copy of this letter here):

  • Dear Amy:
  • I have a huge dilemma. “Jane” and I have been good friends since middle school. I love her like a sister.
  • Recently, Jane accepted a job at a church as the youth director in the town where we attend college. She is good with youth and is very outgoing.
  • However, Jane was not fully truthful when applying for this job.
  • The church asked all applicants to affirm its faith statement and a code of behavior that prohibits premarital sex. Jane signed the code of behavior, indicating that she would not have premarital sex.
  • To further confuse the issue, she told them that she did not have a boyfriend. In truth, Jane does have sex. However, she is a (quiet) lesbian.

Continue reading “Single, Adult Woman Lies on Church Employment Form About Pre-Marital Sex and Sexual Orientation, Says Friend – Letter to Ask Amy Advice Column”

60 Year Old Lady Contracted Herpes from Cheating Husband

60 Year Old Lady Contracted Herpes from Cheating Husband

Another example of how it can pay off to be single and celibate. Letter to advice columnist Ask Amy.

Jan 2016:

  • Dear Amy:
  • I am a 60-year-old divorced woman. My cheating ex-husband gave me herpes. Because of this I have been reluctant to date.
  • I have visited a website for people with similar conditions but didn’t find it acceptable. My question is, at what point in a relationship do you tell a potential partner that you have a sexually transmitted disease?
  • Signed,
  • Full of Fear and Loathing
  • Dear Full of Fear and Loathing:
  • I hope you will find a way to shed the stigma of having this STD, which is quite common (estimates are that 1 in 6 adults have genital herpes, though many don’t know it). You have done nothing wrong.

Continue reading “60 Year Old Lady Contracted Herpes from Cheating Husband”

Boyfriend is Insecure About Girlfriend’s [Sexual] Past (Ask Amy Letter)

Boyfriend is insecure about girlfriend’s past (Ask Amy Letter)

Yes, sex sometimes means something to some people. Some people don’t believe in having numerous sexual partners, having casual sex, or what have you.

Some people can be troubled to know that their partner has a sexual history – or maybe can sort of compartmentalize it and suppress it, if they don’t get subjected to details about it.

Here we have a letter from a woman who says her current boyfriend is troubled by her sexual past.

Not everyone holds casual attitudes about sex.

Boyfriend is insecure about girlfriend’s past

Dear Amy:

I am seeking advice on a very touchy subject between me and my boyfriend of two years.

I am 24 years old. When I was 21, I was living in a different town and had a sexual relationship with another female.

This relationship did not last long, because I became conflicted and eventually determined I was just not interested in that lifestyle.

My boyfriend is everything to me! From our values to spirituality, he is my perfect match.

We have always been open and honest with each other. He has a daughter from a previous relationship, so he likes to make the point that he can’t hide his past.

I opened up about my past sexual history with the female. Now he seems to be struggling with a lot of insecurity.

I’m not sure what else I can do to comfort him, in that I am not gay. I was a young lady in a weird spot in life and experimented (like a lot of us do at that age).

But he is taking this very hard.

Continue reading “Boyfriend is Insecure About Girlfriend’s [Sexual] Past (Ask Amy Letter)”

Mom Is Ashamed of 30-Something Daughters Who’ve Never Been Married or Dated

Mom Is Ashamed of 30-Something Daughters Who’ve Never Been Married or Dated

From a November 2015 Ask Amy column.

Dear Amy:

I have two adult daughters, ages 32 and 36. Both are cute, intelligent and kind, and yet neither one has had a boyfriend — or has even gone out on a date — for five years.

Although friends and family have frequently offered to fix them up with people, both daughters have always refused, and now people have stopped offering.

Neither daughter will use an online dating program, although they both know of friends and family who have met their spouse/significant other this way.

This is a very sensitive topic for both of my daughters. They overreact strongly when I try to bring up the subject, telling me to “mind my own business.”

Continue reading “Mom Is Ashamed of 30-Something Daughters Who’ve Never Been Married or Dated”

Married Man in Sexless Marriage To A Woman Has Affairs With Another Married Man

Married Man in Sexless Marriage To A Woman Has Affairs With Another Married Man

There are times I’m glad I’ve never married. This is one of those times.

Also, this disproves the typical Christian propaganda that married people don’t sexually sin, and/or that married sex is SO great that married couples won’t want to boink other people.

(Link): Frustrated husband finds passion elsewhere

  • June 2015
  • Dear Amy: My wife and I have not had a physical relationship with one another in several years.
  • She seems to have completely lost interest. That has resulted in an accompanying slowdown of our emotional bond.

Continue reading “Married Man in Sexless Marriage To A Woman Has Affairs With Another Married Man”

Elderly Dude Complains Wife’s Not Had Sex With Him For Seven Months. Oh cry me a river, pal.

Elderly Dude Complains Wife’s Not Had Sex With Him For Seven Months. Oh cry me a river, pal.

Sex with another person is a luxury, not a necessity, buddy.

Secondly, I’m over 40 and have never had sex – despite wanting to. I was waiting for marriage, marriage never happened, so you know, I generally do not have sympathy for morons like this who bitch and moan over missing sex for a few months.

There are people in the military who are apart from their spouses for a year or more, so this guy can just SHUT UP.

Also: this serves as another example that American evangelical Christians need to stop teaching sexual purity, chastity, and celibacy as though these issues only impact teen-agers or single adults.

Letter to Ask Amy, May 2015

  • DEAR AMY:
  • My wife and I have been married for more than 50 years. We are both in our 70s. About seven months ago, my wife stopped having sex with me. She has been ill and so have I. She said she can’t have sex until she is completely better. I have asked her if she still desires me and she said she does, but that we have to wait.
  • In all of our married years we have never gone so long without sex. It’s very frustrating for me. I’ve even started frequenting porn Web sites, which I’m ashamed of and never did before.
  • I feel ready and eager for intimacy and I don’t know what to do. She would never go to a therapist with this. We’re still tender to each other. I hug and kiss her when I’m leaving for a few hours to do errands. I love her very much. I am very frustrated and upset.
  • — An Old but Young Man

People Who Complain Constantly About Their Spouses or Significant Others / Also: Self Absorbed Friends Who Talk Constantly About Themselves But Never Take An Interest in YOU

Yes, I can relate to this situation (see Ask Amy letter farther below), and one very closely related.

I was usually not in romantic relationships, didn’t get my first boyfriend til my late 20s, and even after I broke up with him, I still got an earful from female friends and family constantly about what a jerk their current husband is, or what a slime their ex was, I had friends gripe about boyfriends or long time live-in lovers.

Also had a friend in my college days who got married in a civil ceremony the year previous but who never shut up about the church ceremony she had planned in the fall of that year.

I had to listen to months of her babbling endlessly about her wedding plans, and I am not one of those women who enjoys hearing wedding minutia, and she would bore me for months (literally, this was weekly for four months) about how the flowers in the church were going to match her bridal veil and whatever.

The first two, three weeks of Wedding Talk did not bother me, but we are talking FOUR MONTHS STRAIGHT, and she NEVER asked me ABOUT ME.

My polite, vague hints to her that she was beating that topic to death fell on deaf ears, too.

Many women are totally self-absorbed (some men I’ve met as well) and never shut up about themselves, their job, how great – or how terrible – their marriage or dating relationship is.

I’ve usually been the quiet one in friendships and other relationships, I have been the listener.

And since most people are self absorbed twits, I’ve had to suffer in silence for hours, days or weeks, listening to these people complain non stop about what a jerk their husband (or boss or brother or whomever) is, and they never ask me about me, how I am doing.

Further, if I attempt to discuss myself, or a problem I’m having, they act bored by it, or open their mouth to make the conversation about them again the second I pause to take a breath. My ex fiance was like that, too. And he talked about himself constantly.

At this stage in my life, I am totally fed up with relationships like this.

I used to be super nice about it, but no more.

Now I am apt to tell someone that the friendship is lop-sided, they never take an interest in me, I’m tired of listening to them gripe constantly (or crow happily about their upcoming wedding plans) and I’m tired of it.

So I totally related to this letter-

Letter to Ask Amy:

  • DEAR AMY:
  • I can relate to “Frustrated” having to listen to her friend’s marital troubles, day after day.
  • I had the same situation with a dear friend.
  • I finally said to her, “Wendy, I don’t want to hear another word about it until you decide to do something (divorce).”
  • She stopped complaining and got a divorce.
  • — Finally Free
  • DEAR FINALLY:
  • Having a daily outlet for complaints can prevent people from doing what they need to do.

———————————————

Related Posts:

(Link):  I Was A Potted Plant. Woman Writes To Ask Amy: Husband’s Incessant Monologue – Reminds Me Of My Ex Fiance

(Link):   People Really Hack Me Off (Part 2) The Clueless Christian Who Likes To Send You Upbeat Updates About Himself In Reply To Your Announcement of Your Mother’s Death (ex friend of mine)

(Link):  People Really Hack Me Off  (Part 1) The Hypocritical, Constantly Angry, Christian Ingrate (ex friend of mine)

(Link): When Your Secrets Are Used Against You (Hax Advice Column) – sounds like one of my family members

Sometimes Fornication Can Impact Another Relationship Later – One Example

Sometimes Fornication Can Impact Another Relationship Later – One Example

A lot of times, I see apologists for sexual sin – those who rant against “slut shaming,” who insist pre-marital sex is no big deal and so on – like to argue that the idea that a person having sex before marriage cannot or should not impact later relationships.

But sometimes, it does.

I remarked in an earlier post that after my ex fiance and I had been dating for several months, the topic turned to sex. He confided in me he had sex previously, with one or two women.

Finding out that he had given himself away to another woman / women bothered me on several different levels. I had to work through negative feelings about his sexual history, and it took several months or a year.

At the end of the day, my ex fiance’s virginity belonged to him, but in one sense, he did “give it away” to the other woman he slept with, when he should have been waiting for me. I had to come to grips with that.

Be aware that just because society is telling you that everyone is fine and accepting of your sexual history or “should” be – they say most people aren’t going to care that you’re not a virgin when you end up with them – is not going to be true in every case.

Here’s an example. (Letter to Ask Amy, September 2014.)

  • Dear Amy: I married my girlfriend when we were 17. She was pregnant. We have been married for over 25 years. Our marriage has been happy and successful.
  • The issue is that she cheated on me before we got married. I spent the summer with family out of town, and when I got back she was dating someone else. She didn’t tell me about him. She pretended everything was fine between us.
  • So she and I continued our relationship. She got pregnant. I found out about the cheating. Even though I hated her, I married her because she was pregnant. She married me because she was pregnant.
  • Other than the initial reaction when I found out, we never discussed her cheating. She never really acknowledged it and she never apologized. I never brought it up again. It was as if it never happened. We fought a lot but never directly about her cheating. I felt a sense of obligation. I decided to put it all behind me and enjoy my beautiful wife.
  • I buried all the anger and resentment and thought I would be married forever. Now, more than 25 years later, the anger and the resentment are back. I brought it up for the first time with my wife a year ago, and we have been arguing about it off and on ever since.
  • She has apologized a thousand times, saying that it was a stupid mistake in the past. That she never meant to hurt me. That she didn’t know it hurt me so much. And that I needed to get over it.
  • Is it too late for me to divorce her over her teenage cheating? Do I just bury those feelings again? We have both invested a lifetime in this marriage, and she doesn’t want a divorce. I don’t want to hurt her or the kids, but I am not happy with our situation. I have suggested counseling, but she refuses. — Too Late

So, here you have a guy whose wife had sex with some other guy when she was a teen, and now that the guy is in his late 30s or early 40s, he’s disturbed by it.

Maybe there are other factors as to why this guy is having issues with his marriage, but the interesting part is that he repeatedly focuses on the wife’s fornication with some other guy as being the crux of the matter.

You can sit there and argue that this guy should not feel this way, that it’s sexist or wrong, or whatever for him to feel negatively about it, but it is what it is. The guy does in fact feel robbed, cheated, or wronged that his wife had sex with some other guy before they were married.

As much as preacher Mark Driscoll is a douche canoe (link – summary of Driscoll saga on NY Times site – and this other link), I recall reading comments he made, excerpted from one of his books, that he was upset when he found out that his wife had sex prior to marriage with someone other than him. In his case, it’s a bit more hypocritical, since he admitted he was not a virgin when he married his wife (link).

The take away from all this is that some people do have a difficult time coming to grips that their partner has a sexual history – and it’s not necessarily because they are prudes, or sexist, or have hang ups about sex.

Not everyone you meet has this laissez faire attitude towards sex, and they tend to value sex more than the rest of culture, who consider having sex as no more meaningful, consequential, or no more important than tying one’s shoes or ordering a pizza.

—————————

Related Posts:

(Link):  “My boyfriend was intimidated by my sexual history. So I dumped him.” by T. Hornung

(Link):  Fornication or Previous Marriages Can Negatively Impact Other Relationships Later – Another Example or Two (via Ask Amy, Hax)

(Link):  Boyfriend is insecure about girlfriend’s past (Ask Amy Letter)

(Link): Ramifications of Pre Martial Sex – Sky Diver Husband; Also: Stereotypes About All Men Wanting Sex Constantly and Being Visually Stimulated Disproven Again