I Appear Successful, But Since Having Kids I Feel I’ve Lost Myself by Annalisa Barbieri (Letter from a Married Mother Who Has Depression, Low Self Esteem)

I Appear Successful, But Since Having Kids I Feel I’ve Lost Myself by Annalisa Barbieri (Letter from a Married Mother Who Has Depression, Low Self Esteem)

Before I get to the link and the letter, I wanted to say…

The article below – via The Guardian – doesn’t make it clear, but the following appears to be an e-mail or a letter from a married mother who has low self esteem, and she’s writing to this paper for advice, guidance, and help.

I’m sorry this lady is not doing well, but I want you to take away from this that being married and being a mother (having children) will not necessarily make you happy, or bring you joy, inner peace, or a healthy sense of identity.

I’m afraid that a lot of conservatives – especially Christians – keep promoting these false notions to women, from the time we are girls, that if we just marry (and/or have children), that being married and a parent will bring us permanent happiness and purpose in life, but clearly, that is not the case.

I am not “anti family” nor “anti motherhood,” but I figured out a long time ago that being a parent or married may not bring you fulfillment in life, and it is that expectation that a lot of “pro family,” “pro motherhood” type of conservatives continue to hold up – it is misleading, false hope and propaganda.

I’ve got other examples on my blog of women who married (or who are mothers), and yet, being married (or being a mother) didn’t bring them happiness, but they were still left feeling overlooked, depressed, or lonely – in some cases, because the man they married doesn’t meet their emotional needs regularly, but spends all his day wrapped up in his hobbies or watching television.

I have blog posts of women who admit that they regret motherhood!

I think if you’re someone who had hoped or expected to marry (or have children) it can be painful  or very disappointing if that did not happen for you, but if you can accept it,
and permit yourself to go through a grieving process and determine to move on in life and determine to enjoy life anyway (in spite of life not turning out how you had hoped), that you can ultimately find joy, happiness, fun, and peace without a spouse and without children.

You can find other avenues of joy, meaning, and happiness in life that don’t involve being married or having children. I made that transition myself years ago, though it took me several years of grappling with unhappiness to get there, but it can be done.

But again, notice, that although the woman letter writer here married and had children, that she is STILL depressed, feels like a failure, feels like a “loser,” and thinks she is not enough.

Being a wife and a mother – contrary to what a lot of excessively pro-family, pro-natalism Christian conservatives bang on about – did not fill that empty void she has, nor increase her self image to a healthy level.

(Link): I appear successful, but since having kids I feel I’ve lost myself

Excerpts:

Squashing your anger down is exhausting. Try using your free time to do what makes you feel good, and see what shifts

May 20, 2022
by Annalisa Barbieri

[This appears to be a question from a writer to an advice columnist named Annalisa Barbieri? – the article doesn’t make it clear]:

[Dear Advice Columnist,]

I have struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens and have had therapy and medication on and off since I was 17 (I am now 37). I’m aware of deep-rooted low self-esteem and shame.

I feel worthless. I never want to draw attention to myself and have a paralysing fear of confrontation.

I have managed to maintain a few close friendships, have worked in the past, and am married with two kids. So I appear “successful” on the surface.

America’s Fertility Dilemma by Lois M. Collins

America’s Fertility Dilemma by Lois M. Collins

(Link): America’s Fertility Dilemma by Lois M. Collins

Excerpts:

Research suggests that falling fertility in the U.S. is not tied to demographics, economics or policy. But the impact could hit all three

 April 29, 2022

The U.S. birthrate keeps hitting new lows. While an average of 2.1 births per women of childbearing age is considered the replacement rate that would keep the population stable, America is now well below that, at an average of 1.6 children each.

And the desire to have children has also fallen, according to a new research brief for the Institute for Family Studies. Today, nearly 1 in 4 childless adults says “No thanks.”

In  (Link, off site, PDF): “No Honey, No Baby: The Relational and Economic Factors Associated With Having Children in America,” Wendy Wang, the institute’s director of research, looks for an explanation of a trend that now seems to buck some of the usual suspects: demographics, economics and family-friendly policy. Her research suggests a lot of separate factors are mingling to lead many young American adults to say “I don’t” to marriage and raising families.

“The decline of marriage goes hand in hand with falling fertility rates, simply because married women have a much higher fertility rate than unmarried women,” Wang writes, noting research by demographer Lyman Stone that shows about half the decline in fertility since 2008 tracks with a much lower marriage rate.

Sexist, Lunatic In-Law Family Members Refuse to Acknowledge that Sex of Unborn Baby is Female – They Were Hoping for a Male

Sexist, Lunatic In-Law Family Members Refuse to Acknowledge that Sex of Unborn Baby is Female – They Were Hoping for a Male

A lady wrote into the AITA (Am I The Asshole) advice section of Reddit to ask if she should apologize to her husband’s family.

After having read her ordeal, I’d say NO. Her in-laws are flaming, delusional assholes who should be apologizing to her!

(Link): “Am I Wrong For Walking Out Of The Baby Shower My In-Laws Threw For Me?”

April 4, 2022
Denis Tymulis and Liucija Adomaite

A Gallup poll revealed that 54% of American men between the ages of 18 and 49 would prefer a boy.

Knowing the gains women have made in education, suffrage and business, rooting for one gender is deeply problematic. And as it turns out, sometimes it’s the in-laws who’re rooting for one gender for a mom at an ultrasound appointment.

This twisted story comes from a 27-year-old woman who’s expecting her first baby. While the pressure from her in-laws about having a boy was building up, the doctor’s appointment came and it turned out to be a girl.

First it was her husband who broke down crying in the car and couldn’t break the news to his parents right away.

Then, it was the in-laws who ghosted her for days and “then started coming over and visiting, constantly referring to my daughter as my son, claiming the results were false and basically pretending it’s a boy.”

First Comes Love. Then Comes Sterilization. by Suzy Weiss

First Comes Love. Then Comes Sterilization. by Suzy Weiss

Disclaimer (if you’re new to the blog): I am not “anti-family.”
If people, of their own informed volition, decide to have children, that is fine by me.
But I am opposed to the guilt tripping or shaming by some adults (who are usually religious or conservative) to pressure other adults (and it’s usually women who are the targets of pro-natalism propaganda) into having children.

I found some of the reasons the young, childfree or anti-natalist people cited in this article below for not having children to be strange or idiotic, but it’s not my place – or yours – to dictate to them if they have children or not.

(Link): First Comes Love. Then Comes Sterilization. by Suzy Weiss

Inside America’s Baby Bust. Meet the young women who never want to have kids.

October 2021

… Americans are making fewer babies than we’ve made since we started keeping track in the 1930s. And some women, like Diamond, are not just putting off pregnancy but eliminating the possibility of it altogether.

Last year, the number of deaths exceeded that of births in 25 states — up from five the year before. The marriage rate is also at an all-time low, at 6.5 marriages per 1,000 people.

Millennials are the first generation where a majority are unmarried (about 56%). They are also more likely to live with their own parents, according to Pew, than previous generations were in their twenties and thirties. 

They also aren’t having sex. The number of young men (ages 18 to 30) who admit they have had no sex in the past year tripled between 2008 and 2018.

Cities like New York, where young, secular Americans flock to to build their lives, are increasingly childless. In San Francisco, there are more dogs than children.

Couple Who Asked For Female Embryo Sues Fertility Clinic Over Baby Boy

Couple Who Asked For Female Embryo Sues Fertility Clinic Over Baby Boy

This is a switch. I usually see headlines about fathers angry that their wife gave birth to a girl and not a boy. Here we have a lesbian couple who are upset they had a baby boy.

(Link):  Couple Who Asked For Female Embryo Sues Fertility Clinic Over Baby Boy

by Amy Klein
March 27, 2022

Heather Wilhelm-Routenberg said she would only have kids with her wife Robin (Robbie) Routenberg-Wilhelm if they could have girls — because Heather was still traumatized from being sexually assaulted on two different occasions after college.

Heather and Robbie say that CNY fertility clinic in Latham, NY, assured the Buffalo couple it would not be a problem: The lab could determine the sex of any embryo, created using an egg from Robbie and donor sperm, before it was transferred into Heather.

But when Heather was 15 weeks pregnant — having been assured by the clinic that the embryo was female, she says — they found out she was carrying a boy.

The news sent her into a dark depression.

Married People Revealed The Darkest Secrets They’ve Been Keeping From Their Spouses For Years, And Some Of These Are Heartbreaking

Married People Revealed The Darkest Secrets They’ve Been Keeping From Their Spouses For Years, And Some Of These Are Heartbreaking

To anyone who may be new to this blog:
I am not anti-nuclear family, anti-marriage, or anti-parenthood, but I do oppose conservatives, Christians, or any person or group who deifies any of those things, or who pressures or shames people into getting married and having children.

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I think pieces like the one below put to bed the common Christian “marriage fairy tale” narrative (that used to be more common in secular culture too), that if you just marry (and have children), that you will find happiness and meaning; all your dreams will come true.

You have all these married people in these confessions below who still are not happy, in spite of the fact they are married, and some of them have children, too.

(Link): Married People Revealed The Darkest Secrets They’ve Been Keeping From Their Spouses For Years, And Some Of These Are Heartbreaking

Excerpts:

“Having children has made me hate him.”

by Liz Richardson

A while back, redditor u/dusty_ninja asked the internet, “What is the darkest thing you have kept from your partner?” Several married people shared shocking secrets they’ve been keeping from their spouses — and some of them are heartbreaking.

Here are some of the most surprising ones:

…2. “I’m afraid to tell my husband that before we met and got married, I was hooking up with a married man.”
“It happened at a time when I wasn’t in a good place (I know it’s bad what I did). Even if my husband is not judgmental at all and doesn’t care about past behaviors, I’m afraid he might see me differently.”

—tidissik

3. “That having children has made me hate him.”

“He loves his kids and provides for them financially, but I do everything else — and he only helps if I ask or direct him to. It’s exhausting, and I’ve never been more resentful/angry at someone else so much in my entire life.”

Married Couple Takes DNA Test, Discovers They’re First Cousins, Confront Family Who Kept It A Secret

Married Couple Takes DNA Test, Discovers They’re First Cousins, Confront Family Who Kept It A Secret

Another time you’re glad to be never-married and celibate. No chance of this happening.

(Link): Married Couple Takes DNA Test, Discovers They’re First Cousins, Confront Family Who Kept It A Secret

Excerpts:

Speaking of which, a Redditor recently shared a story of how he ended up figuring the latter out by simply gifting his wife a DNA test kit.

… While DNA tests are great gifts, they can turn on you and point out that the person you married is actually a cousin or something

Reddit user u/PM_MeMyPassword recently went to the TIFU, or Today I Effed Up, subreddit with quite a unique story.

So, both OP and his wife grew up in a small town in the South. Both of their families have been living there for quite some time now.

Both of these lovely individuals also had previous marriages and 3 kids each from those marriages, and there are no plans for any more now that they are together.

Last year OP got his wife an Ancestry DNA kit as a gift. Apparently, she wanted to know more about her European roots, and her sister decided to do the same.

In this case, that is exactly what happened to this man, leading to his now-viral post on the TIFU subreddit

Family Sues Doctor After DNA Test Shows Adults IVF Baby Isn’t Related to Her Father

Family Sues Doctor After DNA Test Shows Adults IVF Baby Isn’t Related to Her Father 

(Link): Family Sues Doctor After DNA Test Shows Adults IVF Baby Isn’t Related to Her Father 

Feb 3, 2022
By Jesse O’Neill

An Ohio couple claimed a fertility doctor used sperm from a stranger during the 1991 insemination procedure that resulted in the birth of their daughter.

Jeanine and John “Mike” Harvey said they learned their daughter Jessica was not biologically related to her father after a DNA test showed “no genetic relation” between the two, according to a lawsuit filed Wednesday.

The Harveys accused Dr. Nicholas Spirtos and Summa Health System of malpractice, negligence and fraud, alleging they failed to “properly collect” and “safeguard” John’s genetic material.

Says The Transman: “‘[I]t’s so important that we stop defining ‘womanhood’ in terms of ‘motherhood”” – Well, Yes and No

Says The Transman: “‘[I]t’s so important that we stop defining ‘womanhood’ in terms of ‘motherhood”” – Well, Yes and No

The headline on the page reads, “Transgender man who gave birth slams nurses who called him ‘Mom’” but a quote from the page says, “[I]t’s so important that we stop defining ‘womanhood’ in terms of ‘motherhood'”

In terms of physical biology and human anatomy, no.

Biological women are the ones in the human race who become pregnant, can get pregnant, and/or give birth – which makes them mothers. The father is the biological man who contributes the sperm.

Now, in- so- far as not all women can or want to have babies – because they are infertile or are childfree or some such – well, yes, I would agree that “womanhood” shouldn’t be confined to meaning “motherhood” in that sense (too many Christians keep defining womanhood to mean “woman who marries and has children.”)

But this transgender attempt at re-defining the word “motherhood” based on the bonkers idea that “fathers can be mothers” is a big no-go from me.

Even if we arrive one day where technology allows for a uterus to be implanted into a biological male (chromosomes XY), that person with an implanted uterus still will not be a woman – he will be a man with an implanted uterus.

(Link):  Says The Transman: “‘[I]t’s so important that we stop defining ‘womanhood’ in terms of ‘motherhood””

Dec 22, 2021
By Hannah Frishberg

Not everyone who gives birth is a “mother,” this transgender man would like medical workers to know.

In Oct. 2020, Los Angeles resident Bennett Kaspar-Williams, 37, gave birth via caesarean to a healthy baby boy with his husband, Malik.

But in the process of having little Hudson, Kaspar-Williams was troubled by the constant misgendering of him by hospital staff who insisted on calling him a “mom,” the Daily Mail reported.

It’s Okay If You Don’t Have Baby Fever! by Olga Khazan

It’s Okay If You Don’t Have Baby Fever! By Olga Khazan

The Atlantic is one of those sites that periodically publishes some material I agree with and enjoy, but ever since Trump was in (and now out of) office, they seem to go the other route and publish some bat sh*t insane leftist material.

The following article seems okay to me, though. But please don’t assume that if or when I share an article or editorial at The Atlantic that I always agree with all of their content.

(Link): It’s Okay If You Don’t Have Baby Fever – via The Atlantic

Excerpts:

A deep, sudden longing for babies is certainly real, but it’s not a prerequisite for having kids.
By Olga Khazan

Dec 22, 2021

….But some people—research and, frankly, real life shows—will get pregnant this winter without getting baby fever, without even thinking about babies, and indeed without really meaning to at all.

And I’m here to tell you that’s also totally normal and fine.

Being a woman of what obstetricians charmingly call “advanced maternal age,” I have tried to detect the mysterious force that is baby fever, so far to no avail.

At first, I thought I’d get baby fever when I woke up on the first day of my 35th year, my body suddenly deciding that I would enjoy changing diapers more than watching TV. That didn’t occur…

50-Year-Old Woman Gives Birth to First Child: ‘We Wouldn’t Give Up’

50-Year-Old Woman Gives Birth to First Child: ‘We Wouldn’t Give Up’

(Link): 50-Year-Old Woman Gives Birth to First Child: ‘We Wouldn’t Give Up’

Nov 24, 2021
By Ann W. Schmidt

Susie Troxler always wanted to be a mother. Now, at the age of 50, she is.

Troxler gave birth to her first child, Lily, on Sept. 29 at Cone Memorial Hospital in Greensboro, North Carolina.

“It was so surreal,” Troxler said in a press release from the hospital. “Everything had come together for that moment to happen. It’s hard to wrap our heads around. We’re no longer just husband and wife, we’re ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy.’”

Troxler and her husband Tony, 61, were married in 2008 and tried multiple times to have children at first, naturally. Then, about two years ago, she started in-vitro fertilization treatment and later, egg donation, FOX Television Stations reported.

After ‘Nightmare’ IVF Mix Up, Two Mothers Give Birth to Each Other’s Babies

After ‘Nightmare’ IVF Mix Up, Two Mothers Give Birth to Each Other’s Babies

(Link): After ‘Nightmare’ IVF Mix Up, Two Mothers Give Birth to Each Other’s Babies

Four months after giving birth, the California families swapped babies to return the children to their rightful parents. But the entire process has been devastating.

Nov 9, 2021
By Samantha Kubota

Alexander and Daphna Cardinale were already the proud parents of a young girl. But when she kept asking for a sibling, they decided to do in-vitro fertilization at a clinic their friend recommended.

On their second try, Daphna Cardinale got pregnant and carried a baby girl to term.

 But when Alexander Cardinale saw the healthy child on the day of her birth in September 2019 — with darker skin and dark hair — he says he knew something was off.