Preacher Matt Chandler To Take Leave of Absence Following Inappropriate Online Behavior

Preacher Matt Chandler To Take Leave of Absence Following Inappropriate Online Behavior

This post has been edited since publication to add additional content.

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Chandler is the same guy who tried to shame and pressure a woman into staying married to her perverted, pedophile husband, he sort of mocked Christians with doubts by dismissing their position as being a sexy trend, and he’s given some very questionable advice to Christian single adults over the age of 30 who’d like to be married but who’ve not found Mr. or Ms. Right yet, and who are considering marrying outside the faith.

A lot of online chatter I’ve seen about this indicates many people do believe that there is something “sexual” about Chandler’s banter with a married woman (that’s right, both Chandler and the woman he was direct messaging are both married to other people), despite the church’s statement to the contrary.

Take note that both persons in this situation are MARRIED – very often in secular and Christian culture, single adults (especially women) are regarded as threats to married people, who are actively seeking to sleep with married persons. Quite often, it’s the opposite: married adults seek out affairs with singles or with other married people.

Married Christians need to maybe impose some kind of “Billy Graham Rule” of married people shouldn’t be alone with other married people.

This incident just goes to show yet again that men lack good judgement, lack self control, and cannot be trusted in leadership positions in churches; churches should get rid of the “man only” rule and put women in charge going forward. 😘

Contrary to the usual conservative rhetoric: marriage does not make a person more godly, mature, ethical, or loving than being single. Let this be example one thousand on my blog so far!

Marriage apparently did not prevent Chandler from making a questionable action towards another married person (this is assuming there was something sexual or otherwise “off” with his texts to the woman).

From the reports, things are so vague, it’s hard to tell exactly what happened.

The Billy Graham Rule is stupid, so if this ends up being a harmless case of a married church guy making small talk with a married lady, and he had no ulterior motives, I don’t have a problem with that, except for the church’s over-reaction to this situation.

That is to say, unlike 99% of married (usually Christian) people out there, I don’t think platonic friendship between a married person and another married person (or a married person and a single person) is impossible or inappropriate.

So, if this ends up being an over-reaction to a platonic, private chit chat between two adults (who happen to be married), I will eye roll so hard my eyeballs will fall out of my head.

But it’s hard to say at this point exactly what is going on.

(Link): Matt Chandler To Take Leave of Absence Following Inappropriate Online Behavior

Excerpts:

by Dale Chamberlin
August 2022

On Sunday (August 28), The Village Church (TVC) announced that Matt Chandler would be taking a leave of absence from preaching and teaching following an inappropriate direct messaging relationship with a woman who is not his wife.

While not romantic or sexual, Chandler described the messaging relationship as being characterized by “familiarity” and “coarse and foolish joking.”

Chandler further described his online behavior as “unguarded and unwise,” and his leave of absence is both “disciplinary and developmental.” He further expressed his agreement with and submission to the elder board’s decision, which came after an independent, third-party investigation.

Sexist Double Standards from Christian Dave Ramsey and Ramsey Solutions

Sexist Double Standards from Christian Dave Ramsey and Ramsey Solutions

(Link):  What ‘Living Righteously’ Means at Dave Ramsey’s Company

Excerpts:

Former employees describe a gossipy culture of paranoia and suspicion where women are subject to special scrutiny and rebuke

Dec 2021
by Steven Hale

…The Hogan controversy and the O’Connor suit have raised questions and brought forth new allegations about how the culture at Ramsey Solutions affects women.

O’Connor’s lawyers have argued that the company’s policy about sex outside of marriage is effectively harsher on women for the obvious reason that they will be exposed if they become pregnant.

Former Ramsey employees who spoke to the Scene — two women and a man who spoke under the condition of anonymity for fear of attracting the ire of a man whose orbit they’ve tried to leave — describe a gossipy culture of paranoia and suspicion in which everything from women’s clothing to which co-workers they spend time with is subject to scrutiny and rebuke.

Rebuttal to, Or Observations About, the Kerwin Holmes Jr. Editorial “On Finding ‘The One:’ Another Correction on Christian Teaching Concerning Romance”

Rebuttal to, Or Observations About, the Kerwin Holmes Jr. Editorial “On Finding ‘The One:’ Another Correction on Christian Teaching Concerning Romance”

The following post has been edited after publication to fix typing mistakes or to add more commentary.

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I will be commenting on this editorial about singleness and marriage on The Christian Post:

(Link): On finding ‘the one:’ Another correction on Christian teaching concerning romance by Kerwin Holmes Jr

That post as linked to on The Christian Post’s Facebook page:

(Link): On Finding The One – post on Facebook Page

This guy’s editorial is written in an odd way, so I’m having to go back and re-read it to just to try and comprehend some of the points he’s making.

Maybe I am totally wrong about this, but my impression is that Holmes is either in his 20s at this time, or in his 30s.
(Wait until he’s in his 40s or older and STILL single.  If Holmes still has not married by age 40 or older, his views on these matters will likely shift in time, thanks to good old life experience.)

Also distracting: his first name, Kerwin, reminds me of Kermit the Frog, so I unintentionally keep visualizing Kermit sitting at a keyboard typing this editorial I am reading. (That is not intended to be an ad hominem, just a random aside.)

At the beginning of Holmes’ editorial, he tells readers to view or read dating advice articles or videos by Christian pastors or personalities that he agrees with, such as the works by Reformed pastors or personalities in general and Voddie Baucham in particular .

Let me stop him right there.

I spent years following Christian dating advice (stuff I read or heard in the 1980s and 1990s, advice by and from standard, run- of- the- mill conservative Baptist or evangelical Christians), and none of that smelly, stupid advice ever actually helped me to marry, though I had wanted to be married for many years (I am currently in my 50s and still single). 

As a matter of fact, a lot of Christian dating advice, even the advice by conservative Christians, is counter-productive and actually plays a role in keeping single adults single (this includes, and is not limited to, the “be equally yoked” rule).

Christian MLB Star Ben Zobrist Claims Wife Had an Affair With Their Pastor and Marriage Counselor

Christian MLB Star Ben Zobrist Claims Wife Had an Affair With Their Pastor and Marriage Counselor

Assuming this guy is telling the truth, this one, lone headline manages to summarize about three or four the usual ten or so topics I regularly blog about!

Where do I even start with this one?

Okay. Many Christians – the ones who are obsessed with promoting marriage, parenthood, and The Nuclear Family – often like to claim that marriage (or being a parent) makes a person more godly, mature, loving, responsible, or ethical.
Clearly, this is false, because I have a shit load of news stories on this blog of married people (and parents) who are law breakers, selfish, or perverts.

Let’s see, what other garbage do pro-family values Christians and secular conservatives frequently teach that this story shows to be false that I’ve been covering here for literally years now?

Let’s see, oh yes:
Marriage supposedly makes Christian adults impervious to sexual sin… if Christians just get married, they will have great, regular, hot sex (with their spouse) and never have an affair on their spouse, or molest children, or use porn. All of that is false.

Other falsehoods: single (unmarried) adult women are sexual harlots and temptresses, so married men should stay away from them per the “Billy Graham Rule” (or “Mike Pence Rule”).
Well, the woman in this story is MARRIED. She is not widowed, divorced, or never-married (single), but a married chick who allegedly screwed around on her husband.

The male headship rule – Christian complementarians, and some secular sexist men in our nation – like to assume that men are specially or uniquely qualified to lead women, to lead on the job, to lead in politics.
But yet gain, we see via this news story that men commit sexual sin, some men lack self control and mores, and there is nothing special about maleness that causes men to be more virtuous or better than women.

Complementarians teach that only men “need” or “want” sex, but obviously, unless the married lady in this story was having affairs to meet emotional needs, she clearly enjoys boning men.
Women do enjoy sex, too, not just men, but this flies in the face of the sexist assumptions of many people in American culture both inside and out of the church.

And there’s just something ironic about the fact that allegedly, one of the men she had an affair with was a marriage counselor!
This is like the news story about the (Link): marriage counselor who murdered the woman he was going to marry, because she asked him to sign a pre-nup agreement.

There is nothing about marriage that makes people more worthy, ethical, happier, more godly or whatever else, than people who are single, widowed, or divorced.

(Link): Former MLB Star Ben Zobrist Accuses Pastor of Affair With His Wife and Defrauding Charity

(Link):  Retired MLB Star Accuses Pastor of Extramarital Affair with His Wife and Defrauding His Charity: Lawsuit 

Retired baseball player Ben Zobrist – the 2016 World Series MVP who led the Chicago Cubs to the franchise’s first championship in 108 years – is accusing pastor Byron Yawn of having an extramarital affair with his wife Julianna and of defrauding his charity.

In a lawsuit filed in Tennessee on May 6, Zobrist, 40, claims Yawn “usurped the ministerial-counselor role, violated and betrayed the confidence entrusted to him by [Zobrist], breached his fiduciary duty owed to [Zobrist] and deceitfully used his access as counselor to engage in an inappropriate sexual relationship with [Zobrist]’s wife,” according to NBC News, the Peoria Journal Star, and the Chicago Tribune, which obtained the lawsuit documents.

(Link): Ex-Cubs star Ben Zobrist claims wife Julianna had affair with their pastor, lawsuit says

(Link): Christian MLB Star Ben Zobrist Claims Wife Had an Affair With Their Pastor and Marriage Counselor

Excerpts:

By Jeannie Ortega Law
June 22, 2021

A recent court filing on behalf of outspoken Christian and former MLB player Ben Zobrist alleges that his wife, pop singer Julianna Zobrist, had an affair with the couple’s former Tennessee pastor, who also served as their marriage counselor.

Zobrist, who played in the MLB from 2006 to 2019, is now suing the former minister for damages, claiming he defrauded his charitable foundation.

Male Baboons Get Health Benefits from Platonic Friendships with Females

Male Baboons Get Health Benefits from Platonic Friendships with Females

I guess the animal world doesn’t care about the sexist, stupid “Billy Graham Rule.”

Maybe the sex-obsessed Christian church can learn a thing or two from these baboons? I’m not saying humans should always look to other animals to dictate their behavior, but this is one instance where it may not be a bad idea.

(Link): Male Baboons Get Health Benefits from Platonic Friendships with Females

by Erin Blakemore

A growing body of research hints that for nonhuman primates, purely platonic relationships come with big benefits.

A study that draws on decades of research about baboons is adding to a pile of cross-species evidence of the protective power of friendships.

…Male baboons don’t just interact with females when they want to mate: They also engage in platonic grooming, a behavior known as a way for primates to bond and destress. 

Another Christianity Today Magazine Editorial Expects Single Women To Meet the Needs of Married Women – Christians Never Ask the Reverse

Another Christianity Today Magazine Editorial (2019) Expects Single Women To Meet the Needs of Married Women – Christians Never Ask the Reverse

I am a never-married woman who is over the age of 45, and I am childless. I had wanted to be married but never found the right guy, so I remain single.

I was a very devout Christian for many years, until a few years ago.

I did a blog post about (Link): another editorial on Christianity Today’s site, where a married woman with small children wrote a long piece extolling the virtues of single, childless women:
but only in the context of how she found single, childless women useful to her because they could provide her with free babysitting services that she could not obtain from her biological family, who lived 1,000 miles away.

Here again, in April 2019, is another editorial in the same vein: a piece that extols the wonders and virtues of how single, childless women can or should meet the needs of married women, especially married ones who have children and need free babysitting services and emotional support.

Now, if you’re the sort of single, childless woman who sincerely enjoys babysitting married women’s children, that is fine by me. But I am not one of them.

I’m not opposed to single, childless women caring for, or taking an interest in, other people’s children, if they so desire.

I am opposed to this when this is one of the only options presented to Christian women, however.

Single People Aren’t Problems to Be Fixed or Threats to Be Neutralized By Ella Hickey

Single People Aren’t Problems to Be Fixed or Threats to Be Neutralized By Ella Hickey

I’ve noted in older posts how terrible Christian advice on the subjects of dating, marriage, and relationships are – if you’d like to see my posts on those subjects, some of them are linked to below, at the bottom of this post under the “Related Posts” section.

By the way, I would ask you to click on this link below to go to the page and read it, but, be sure to scroll to the bottom of the page to read any posts by single adults who leave comments, including one comment by a 60 year old lady with the screen name “janep75_2173,” who has been divorced for 20+ years, on how badly her local church treats her for being single.

(Link): Single People Aren’t Problems to Be Fixed or Threats to Be Neutralized

What’s missing from Christian books on dating, singleness, and purity

Excerpts:

…. [The author discusses having read numerous Christian books about dating, marriage, and relationships when she was a teen-ager]

….Our theology of singleness and the “not-yet-married” has gone unmonitored, unchanged, and unimpressive for too long. Much of it is built on outdated gender roles and unhelpful clichés that don’t apply easily to today’s dating world.

For example, many of these books assume that sexual attraction is the “burden” of men and not something women struggle with.

Or, many of these books assume that men will lead a dating relationship and women will follow. Others encourage men and women to avoid and fear each other to avoid “stumbling.”

The Media Should Stop Ignoring When Sexual Misconduct Perpetrators Are Married

The Media Should Stop Ignoring When Sexual Misconduct Perpetrators Are Married

Yes, and conservative Christians should stop ignoring that some adulterers and sexual perverts are MARRIED, and they are cheating on their spouses, in some cases, with OTHER MARRIED PEOPLE.

Why do I feel Christians should stop ignoring this?

Because most Christians continue to stigmatize single adults – especially single women – because they feel that single adults present a threat to married people. They believe that all single women want to strike up affairs with married men, that all unmarried individuals are horn-dogs who have sex with 54 different people per week.

(Link): The Media Should Stop Ignoring When Sexual Misconduct Perpetrators Are Married

Excerpts:

by Timothy P. Carney
June 14, 2018

There’s a new detailed account of how New York Times reporter Glenn Thrush repeatedly would fondle or kiss journalistic colleagues after hours, or take home inebriated women. But you have to read about 3,000 words to learn one detail: He’s married.

Even then, that fact is mentioned only once, in passing, in a quote. And the lack of care for that fact is the norm. A separate Vanity Fairstory on Thrush this week is 1,300 words and it never mentions his marital status.

Affairs Don’t Start with Texts – via guest authors at Tim’s blog

Affairs Don’t Start with Texts – via guest authors at Tim’s blog

I agree with the following post. I have done several posts here on my own blog about the issues it addresses.

As a never-married woman, I have found myself treated with suspicion by Christians, especially married couples, because the church teaches them to sexualize all women. Single women quite often end up ostracized in Christian circles due to being sexually objectified by things such as the “Billy Graham Rule,” which says all women are sexual temptations to be avoided.

(Link): Affairs Don’t Start with Texts – via guest authors at Tim’s blog

Excerpts:

In this guest post, Sarah Taras and Jon Wymer respond to Relevant Magazine’s article Is It OK for Married People to Text the Opposite Sex.

Conversation Doesn’t Equate to Infidelity

It’s not helpful to assume that conversation between a woman and a man leads to sex. Would there be less sex if men and women didn’t talk?

…We’ve created a whole new set of problems by teaching our fellow believers to treat every one-on-one interaction with the opposite sex as a potential sexual encounter. This is a distortion of God’s design in creation.

The Stupid Billy Graham Rule Strikes Again, Via Relevant Magazine: ‘Is It OK for Married People to Text the Opposite Sex?,’ by Z. Carter

The Stupid Billy Graham Rule Strikes Again, Via Relevant Magazine: Is It OK for Married People to Text the Opposite Sex?, by Z. Carter

Not only did Relevant magazine (Christian publication) recently publish this dreck (link is much farther down this blog post), but a guy or two under Relevant’s Tweet about it were defending it, LOL.

This is basically a variation on the BGR (Billy Graham Rule), which generally casts singles as harlots, women in particular. Ergo, married men are strongly cautioned against talking to, showing compassion to, being around, taking phone calls from, adult single women.

(I have a collection of posts on my blog that refutes the BGR; please see links to those posts at the bottm of this one, under “Related Posts.”)

Jesus never taught the BGR, but actually befriended and talked to all sorts of women, including known prostitutes, divorced women, and so on.

Do evangelicals and the Reformed emulate Jesus on this, Jesus being the role model for all believers? Nope – they choose to emulate the rule-loving Pharisees who also taught men that all women are sexual temptresses, so men ought to avert their gaze if they see a woman walking by.

This paranoia of opposite-gender friendships ends up ostracizing and excluding single adults (some of whom may be lonely and in great need of platonic companionship, let alone romantic), it basically casts even virgins such as myself (over the age of 40) as being hookers and sluts, and it sexualizes every one.

For about four years now, I’ve been Facebook friends with a married guy on Facebook. He knows I’m single. I know he’s married. He knows I know he’s married.

I’ve also been friends with another married guy online for about ten or more years (we met on a forum) and we later became Facebook friends. This guy knows I know he’s married, and he knows I’m single.

And do you know what? This has not been a problem for any of us!

I sometimes even send private notes to the first friend on Facebook about some of my personal problems (stuff I don’t want to put on my Facebook wall).  At no time have I flirted with either male friend, nor have they flirted with me. It’s not even entered my mind!

Yes, it’s possible for single women to be pals with married dudes and nothing inappropriate happens.

I was engaged several years to a guy. My ex at one point rented his own home, then he went on to two different apartments.

I sometimes spent the night with him at these places (over night stays) even in the SAME BED, and we did NOT have sex. (I was very committed to the idea of remaining a virgin until marriage at that point in life. So, my ex and I did not have sex). It’s possible for two adults to spend time alone over night and not have sex.

I have a libido. My ex let me know he had one too – he respected my wishes and boundaries, but he let me know on more than one occasion he was “warm for my form” and was very tempted to get it on. However, we both had self control. Just because you’re alone with someone else and find them attractive does not mean that sex is inevitable.

At least several of the people who left comments below this page (on the Relevant site) were critical of the piece:

(Link):  Is It OK for Married People to Text the Opposite Sex? by Zack Carter

Excerpts.

Affairs don’t start with sex.

….However, I probably don’t have to tell you that too much can be dangerous—especially privacy with someone of the opposite sex.

Married Church Staffer Arrested for Secretly Filming Upskirt Videos of Girls, Women in Church Bathroom and While They Kneeled During Services – Equally Yoked is BUNK

Married Church Staffer Arrested for Secretly Filming Upskirt Videos of Girls, Women in Church Bathroom and While They Kneeled During Services – Equally Yoked is BUNK 

Way farther below in this post is a link to a news story about a married church staff guy who was a pervert. (I think I first saw this news story via @watchkeep’s Twitter account.)

My Christian parents brought me up to think if I wanted to marry, that the best place for me to meet potential spouses would be at a church. I suppose the assumption with that is that the type of men who attend church regularly are going to be “safer” or better moral choices than the type of dude you might meet at a bar.

However, in the last few years of running this blog, I have seen (Link): so many news stories of church-going Christian men who get arrested for abuse or perversion, I now have my doubts about that.

Secondly, single women out-number single men in churches. I know that every church I’ve been to in person, I’ve been one of the few singles there. The only men in attendance and 80 years old, which would be fine if I were 80 too, but I’m not, and May December relationships (Link): make me want to barf.

Below  is a news report of a church staffer who was caught secretly filming “upskirt” videos of girls and women in church bathrooms and during church services. That is bad enough as-is, but the report says that the church discouraged the women from contacting the police over this.

Five Things Every (Christian) Married Man Should Stop Obsessing Over Around Single Women by J. Kamps

Five Things Every Married Man Should Stop Obsessing Over Around Single Women by J. Kamps

Thank you, Jean Kamps! Kamps is one of the very few married (Christian) women I’ve seen who comprehends how terribly Christianity, especially married Christian men, treat single women – the way most to all married, Christian men ASSUME (wrongly!) that all single women are minxes out to bed any and every married man we come across.

(These married Christian men must have some ego to assume I find them attractive enough to  want to boink. I don’t. Women are visual too and have sexual desire, but we don’t want to sleep with any and every man we come across.)

Often times some of the assumptions Kamps is addressing here in an article by a married Christian man, are taught under the BGR “Billy Graham Rule.” I have blogged on this topic many times before. I will put links to some of those posts at the bottom of my post, under “Related Posts.”