When Your Dad Dates Your Boyfriends: Inside Christian Courtship / More Erroneous Christian Ideas About Marriage, Dating, Singleness

When Your Dad Dates Your Boyfriends: Inside Christian Courtship / More Erroneous Christian Ideas About Marriage, Dating, Singleness

Regarding the article about courtship linked to much farther below (I had a bunch of things I wanted to pontificate about before getting to the article itself):

I do not support this, where the parent “chooses” the spouse for the daughter.

One reason: we are Americans living in 2015, we are not in India, where the culture is into arranged marriages. We are not in 3,000 BC in Israel, where arranged marriages were common.

I almost never hear of a situation where, in Christian culture, the father (or mother) chooses a mate for the son, it’s almost always for the daughter. So this practice reeks of sexism, for one thing.

I have no problem with parents advising their daughter on what traits to look for in a mate, and what qualities to be leery of, but this nonsense where the dad basically has “final say” over this choice?

No.

As a parent, you are to raise your daughter to be a fully independent adult, which means, when she is young, conveying your values to her, but it also means allowing her, when she gets older, to make her OWN choices, even if they are choices you may not agree with.

For a father to make these sorts of major life choices for his daughter is to infantalize her, and this will be dangerous to her as she grows older.

The daughter needs to be able to determine for herself what her boundaries are, and when and how to say “no” to men she dates.

There will be cases where dear old dad will not always be there for her, to hold the daughter’s hand through the dating process, so she will have to be able to fend for herself.

Another issue I have with these sorts of teachings, even the more “watered down” variety by run of the mill evangelical families, is that they are ensuring that their kid will face a lifetime of singledom, because the parents create mate selection lists that are too long and too stringent.

The typical Christian lists of requirements for a mate I have seen are so absurdly complicated and strict that there are NO MEN ALIVE who will meet the criteria on such lists.

Regarding this quote from the article:

  • Instead of relying on OkCupid’s [dating site] matchmaking algorithms, [in Christian families who believe in courtship] women and men entrust God to find them an eligible spouse.

If these parents believe it is up to God to send the girl a mate, why are the fathers getting involved at all? To be consistent in their beliefs, shouldn’t they be stepping aside?

At any rate, I too was raised to believe that I should “entrust God to find me an eligible spouse,” and here I am, over the age of 40, and still single.

All my years of waiting on God, trusting God, praying to God, going to churches to meet a potential spouse, and so on, left me single.

Using faith to get a spouse simply does not work.

Christians need to stop promoting belief and faith as a tool to get a spouse, because God is not involved in the process, apparently.

Regarding this summary from the article of what one Christian mother is teaching her daughters about being married one day:

  • And if God doesn’t like what He sees, He may not bless her with a kind and loving husband.

This mother’s views are incorrect and un-biblical. Marriage is not a reward for “good girls,” or girls who follow all the rules; it’s surely not presented as such in the Bible, and I can tell you based on real life experience, things do not work this way.

God is not going to with-hold a spouse from you because you sin, or have sex prior to marriage, or what have you.

I have blogged about this topic before, in two or three posts, including these:

I am a virgin over the age of 40. No penis has been in my vagina; I was a super sweet, godly Christian lady for many years – and yet, God did not “bless me” or “reward me” with a husband.

If anyone deserves a husband from God based on merit, surely it is myself – but God never sent me one.

Conversely, I have a long list of examples on my blog of ungodly, fat, stupid, drug addicted, or child molesting, wife abusing, serial raping, self-professing Christian people who ended up married.

If it were true that God doles out marriage as a reward to the obedient and faithful, then I would not be seeing the numerous stories on news sites about Christian men who do things like look at porn all day, who beat their wives up, who cheat and lie on their jobs, who sell drugs, who molest children, and so forth. But such scum of society, some of them Christian, do eventually get married.

Regarding this quote by the pro-courtship Mother:

  • “When you are born a girl, it doesn’t matter whether you give her all the guns and G.I. Joes in the world, she’s still going to dream about her wedding day,” Dawn says in the film. “We have the hormones. We have the makeup. It’s just who we are.”

Speak for yourself, sister.

Look, I had long wanted to be married, but I didn’t think strongly about the topic until my mid 20s or so.

I did NOT spend my youth or teen years “day dreaming” fondly about the dress I would wear one day, and so forth. I did not give getting married a lot of thought.

As a matter of fact, I do NOT like the idea of a big, expensive wedding, not then, and not now. Such weddings are impractical and a waste of money.

I grew up being a tom boy. I loved Bat Man, science fiction movies, riding my bike, and I wanted to buy and ride a motorcycle one day. My life was not defined by getting married one day. So it’s not a universal truth that all girls fixate on marriage and their wedding day.

I have some more observations below this very long series of excerpts:

(Link): When Your Dad Dates Your Boyfriends: Inside Christian Courtship

  • Ron Wright sees it as his duty to date his daughters’ prospective boyfriends to ensure they share his family’s Christian ideals.
  • A Courtship, which debuts at the Tribeca Film Festival this week, documents an Evangelical alternative to modern dating: Instead of relying on OkCupid’s matchmaking algorithms, women and men entrust God to find them an eligible spouse.
  • We meet the Wright family in their nondescript hometown outside Grand Rapids, Michigan, where Ron Wright runs an educational website promoting Christian courtship, BeforetheKiss.com.When he isn’t working as a snowplow dispatcher, Ron and his wife, Dawn, proselytize courtship to other Christians.Dawn homeschools their two daughters, aged 11 and 9, who are taught that secular dating is forbidden under Christian courtship.

Continue reading “When Your Dad Dates Your Boyfriends: Inside Christian Courtship / More Erroneous Christian Ideas About Marriage, Dating, Singleness”

The Divorce Surge Is Over, but the Myth Lives On – from New York Times (And How This Article Disproves a Few Christian Views About Gender Roles, Marriage, etc)

The Divorce Surge Is Over, but the Myth Lives On – article from the New York Times

(The link to the article is much farther below. I wanted to open this post by commenting on the article first)

Notice that the article below says one reasons the divorce rate has gone down is that people are marrying later in life.

This fact should put a dent in the nauseating push by evangelicals, Reformed, fundamentalists, and Baptists to encourage young kids to marry before they turn 25.

Notice also that this article is saying that due to conservative gender role expectations – where people expect the man to be the “bread winner” and the woman to be submissive to the husband, and to be a stay at home mother, these people who buy into these views are delaying marriage because a lot of young men are having a hard time getting steady, well paying jobs.

These young men feel they need a good paying job to be the traditional husband and dad that their culture teaches them to be.

However, your hyper masculine, buffoon, sexist, swine preachers, such as Mark Driscoll, who defend the un-biblical view of “Christian gender complementarianism” continually wrongly assume that the reason most young men are delaying marriage is that they are immature and trying to shirk responsibility.

But they, are, ironically, delaying marriage, not out of laziness, but because they cannot do what some in the gender complementarian movement tell them they should do to be a “biblical husband,” or what secular conservative culture tells them constitutes being “a real man,” which is holding a job that pays a big enough income that can support a wife and kids.

Here you have Christian conservatives, some of whom champion traditional gender roles, under the banner of “gender complementarianism,” whose very teachings are what is causing singles to stay single longer.

These conservatives keep blaming secular feminism solely for these issues, but some of their own values and views are feeding into the delayed marriage situation.

If these Christian chuckle heads would stop making American 1950s “June Cleaver” gender roles the basis of what they believe are ‘biblical’ roles for men and women, and stop holding a grudge or disdain against women having careers (this gets back to the unbiblical view they perpetuate that a woman’s only godly role in life is to be a wife and mother), they’d likely find more young people marrying younger, if this article is right on the money.

Though in my humble opinion, there are several factors contributing to prolonged singleness, not just economic or career ones, and the fault or blame does not fall squarely on any one group, such as secular feminists, who are the favorite boogeyman of conservatives.

(No, I don’t agree with secular feminists much of the time, but they are not the big threat conservatives make them out to be, and on occasion, some of their views actually have some merit.)

This is similar to another point I have raised on this blog many times before: it is Christian teachings about dating, sex, and gender roles that keep even marriage-desiring singles singles, not just the “man as breadwinner” stereotype, but ridiculous teachings such as,

  • “If you are single, do not meet alone with another adult single because the date will inevitably end in sex.
  • Further we all know that men are horn dogs incapable of sexual self control, and adult single women are harlots who are constantly seeking to get a man in the sack.
  • So do avoid dating members of the opposite sex, because if you do, it will lead to fornication!”

Yes, really.

I was brought up a Christian and still have pretty traditional values, but those sorts of teachings and assumption about the genders, sex, and dating often show up in Christian blogs, books and sermons about dating.

I am not exaggerating for comedic effect or erecting a strawman argument when I say Christians basically encourage adult singles (and teens) to refrain from meeting one on one with other singles their age, even to warn them from getting a cup of coffee at a Starbuck’s together.

Continue reading “The Divorce Surge Is Over, but the Myth Lives On – from New York Times (And How This Article Disproves a Few Christian Views About Gender Roles, Marriage, etc)”