What Does Marriage Ask Us to Give Up? By Kaitlyn Greenidge

What Does Marriage Ask Us to Give Up? By Kaitlyn Greenidge

(Link): What Does Marriage Ask Us to Give Up? By Kaitlyn Greenidge

Excerpts:

January 4, 2022

[The author discusses how she didn’t get married until around her late 30s, but then she got divorced, and she lives in a noisy home with many family members]

…What has not materialized is the intense loneliness that people warned me would come with divorce.

…It’s a different world from the one my parents inhabited when they divorced, one in which many people treated their separation as if it were an infectious disease and shunned us for a number of years.

…Marriage, of course, can be all those things to many people, but my own brought something different, which has led to this desire to be alone again.

Continue reading “What Does Marriage Ask Us to Give Up? By Kaitlyn Greenidge”

Lundy Bancroft on Narcissists vs Abusers for The Audacious Life podcast

Lundy Bancroft on Narcissists vs Abusers for The Audacious Life podcast

The first half to two thirds of this video of what the speakers describe, how they describe the typical views of abusive men, is reminiscent of some Christian Gender Complementarians and their views, and what some complementarian adherents believe.

Especially if you are a Christian single woman who’s wanting to marry AND in particular you were raised by Christian parents or in a church that taught traditional gender roles (perhaps under the phrase or label of “gender complementarianism“) please pay special attention to the video below.

Under “gender complementarian” teachings (and just mainstream, evangelical or Baptist and Christian dating advice), Christian women have been taught to accept all sorts of toxic teachings and to accept on-going mistreatment from a spouse (and from other people in their lives).

Chances are good that if you’re a single Christian woman who was brought up to believe in gender complementarian teachings that you were heavily encouraged to adopt people pleasing or codependent behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes, which will make you attractive to abusers and people with personality disorders (many of whom can be abusive).

Additionally, if you do marry an abusive person (whether he is emotionally, sexually, verbally, or physically abusive) the majority of Christian churches and denominations teach women that divorce is not an option, not even in cases of abuse.

You (if you’re an abused wife asking a Christian for advice or help in regards to your marriage) will usually be told just to “submit more,” give your spouse more sex, and to pray about it – but none of those methods will change your spouse or cause him to stop abusing you.

There is nothing you can say or do that will get your husband to stop abusing you – (Link): nor is it your responsibility to try to fix or change your spouse in the first place.

You have to go into a marriage to a self professing Christian man knowing before-hand  that if your spouse turns abusive, that you must eventually divorce the guy, and you most likely won’t get any help or encouragement in that area from your church, church group, church friends, or pastor.

Most churches and pastors will shame, pressure, and guilt trip an abused wife to stay in the abusive marriage at all costs, because they value the institution of marriage above the safety and mental health of the abused wife.

If you’re a Christian woman in an abusive marriage, your church, church friends, and your preacher will never, ever give you permission to divorce – but you don’t need their permission or approval – you just need your own. It’s your life, not theirs.

(Link – to video on You Tube): Lundy Bancroft on Narcissists vs Abusers for The Audacious Life podcast

Excerpts, video description (from text below the video on the You Tube page):

I’m happy to interview Lundy Bancroft, author, and expert on male abuse behaviors and tactics.

Lundy has 30 years experience working in the field of abuse. His book “Why Does He Do That” is a one of the first I read and it helped tremendously.

Lundy is a lifelong advocate for the safety of women and children and it shines through in his books. You may be wondering whether you’re in a relationship with a Narcissist or an Abuser or someone who’s both.

Continue reading “Lundy Bancroft on Narcissists vs Abusers for The Audacious Life podcast”

This New Year’s Eve, Celebrate the Women Who Choose to Stay Single by Amy Polacko 

This New Year’s Eve, Celebrate the Women Who Choose to Stay Single by Amy Polacko

(Link): This New Year’s Eve, Celebrate the Women Who Choose to Stay Single  

Excerpts:

We unmarrieds may have no “other half,” but we are far from alone. Nearly 50 percent of the U.S. population is single, and many of us wouldn’t have it any other way.

By Amy Polacko, divorce coach and journalist
Are you by yourself? Did you come alone? What — no date? Hey, I know this nice guy …

Nothing — I mean nothing — brings out the cupid busybodies like New Year’s Eve. But you can stop asking us single ladies, “So, who will you be kissing at midnight?” We’re content that the answer is “no one.”

…We unmarried maids may have no “other half,” but we are far from alone. Nearly 50 percent of the U.S. population is single — compared to 29 percent of households in 1990. A recent Pew Research Center report on census data showed the spike among singles over the past 30 years came largely from those who have never been married.

Contrary to sad stereotypes, many single women wouldn’t have it any other way. This New Year’s, instead of bugging women about their single status when the ball drops, try celebrating it along with them.

…Elizabeth Engelberg, a clinical psychologist, noted that many women today “are not willing to put up with things they have in the past — especially if they’ve had a tough marriage or two.” Another factor in the singledom surge, she said, is that “some women want an authentic connection and just can’t find the right one.”

With more women working, marriage is becoming a choice — not a necessity.

Plus, 77 percent of Americans say divorce is morally acceptable, up 18 points from 2001, according to a 2019 Gallup poll.

Both developments mean women are increasingly willing to hold out for everything they want in a mate, or, as Engelberg put it, “They’re simply less willing to settle.”

…Engelberg said men, on the other hand, are more likely to accept a partner who’s not a perfect match just to avoid being alone.

Continue reading “This New Year’s Eve, Celebrate the Women Who Choose to Stay Single by Amy Polacko “

Staffers Quit Venue Church After Confronting Pastor With Allegations of Affair, Misconduct by L. Blair

Staffers Quit Venue Church After Confronting Pastor With Allegations of Affair, Misconduct

(Link): Staffers Quit Venue Church After Confronting Pastor With Allegations of Affair, Misconduct

Dec 23, 2021
by Leonardo Blair

At least eight employees of Venue Church, a fast-growing congregation based in Chattanooga, Tennessee, have reportedly quit their jobs over alleged misconduct by Pastor Tavner Smith, who is allegedly shown kissing a woman who is not his wife in a video that recently surfaced online.

Last Friday afternoon, staff and volunteers confronted Smith about the video recorded in North Georgia, The Chattanooga Times Free Press reported.

Two former employees and four volunteers or members previously connected to the church told the newspaper that the eight employees quit after confronting the pastor about a rumored affair with a church employee.

Continue reading “Staffers Quit Venue Church After Confronting Pastor With Allegations of Affair, Misconduct by L. Blair”

Tracy Smith’s – @mythreesonsb – Public Squabbling Involves Misrepresenting Anyone Who Knows Julie Anne (of SSB Blog) Online

Tracy Smith’s – @mythreesonsb – Public Squabbling Involves Misrepresenting Anyone Who Knows Julie Anne (of SSB Blog) Online

Okay, so Julie Anne, of SSB Blog publicly let people know she and her husband divorced months ago. She wrote a few blog posts about it, if I recall correctly.

I don’t remember all the ins and outs of it.

A few weeks ago, I saw a tweet by a guy debating about domestic violence in regards to emotional abuse, and some lady I never heard of before was saying some pretty unfounded, very ignorant comments about emotional / verbal abuse, so I left her two politely-worded tweets in response, where I explained to her what emotional abuse is.

(This lady I replied to at that time, Tracy Smith, seemed to be saying that some married women, or women in any abusive relationships, lie or exaggerate about the issue.)

I just found out that this Tracy Smith person blocked me on Twitter at some point in the last few weeks, even though I previously had no idea who she is, and I only sent her two civil tweets (and those tweets were sent before I knew she was in some kind of feud in Julie Anne, or even who she is).blockedTracySmith2021

I was verbally abused by family members growing up, so I’m educated on the topic – not just by way of first hand experience, but I’ve done a lot of reading about the topic the last few years.

I at first assumed that Tracy Smith was another Lori Alexander (“The Transformed Wife” blogger), one of those “wife and mommy bloggers,” who just sits around defending Christian patriarchy on social media.

Continue reading “Tracy Smith’s – @mythreesonsb – Public Squabbling Involves Misrepresenting Anyone Who Knows Julie Anne (of SSB Blog) Online”

Study Suggests Why Religious Marriages Are Less Likely to End In Divorce by L. Blair

Study Suggests Why Religious Marriages Are Less Likely to End In Divorce

I’ve actually seen other studies over the years that say Christian marriages are more likely to end in divorce, especially the younger the couple were when they first married.

I don’t often see liberals harping on this so much (at least not so much in their professional or mainstream publications) to score Brownie Points in the Culture Wars as much as I do the secular or Christian conservatives.

I think many Christians want to keep “advertising” or marketing the faith (and/or the Bible) as something that, if you just try it, your life will be better and happier. But that isn’t always the case.

Sometimes Christian men end up being abusive towards their wives or committing adultery (I have (Link): many examples on this blog of this).

No where does the Bible say that being a Christian or putting faith in Jesus or the Bible will make a person immune from divorce, feeling lonely, suffering health problems, or whatever other problems in life, yet Christians keep promoting the faith as though this is its purpose.

Of course, if a faith cannot or does not help me in this life time (and being a devout Christian for over 35 years sure didn’t help me with my earthly problems), I don’t see the point in following that faith.

This article makes reference to Institute for Family Studies, and the noxious Bradford Wilcox, so take any thing they have to say with a grain of salt – they’re generally a bunch of marriage-worshippers – and Wilcox leans towards shaming singles for being single, or for trying to depict singleness as being horrible, wrong, sinful, or worse than being in hell.

Contra to what one of the people (is it Wilcox?) says (or seems to imply) in this article, churches are not hot-beds heavily populated by “marriage friendly” singles – not single men.

If you’re a single, Christian woman who has been advised by her family or church (as I was when younger) to be “equally yoked” and to consider a church a prime place to find eligible husband material, you know that the single women in most churches vastly out-number the single men.

Most men in most churches are either already married or are 83 years old with white hair.

(Link):  Study Suggests Why Religious Marriages Are Less Likely to End In Divorce

Excerpts:

Dec 21, 2021
by Leonardo Blair

Religious marriages are slightly less likely to end in divorce because religion tends to motivate less cohabitation, a known risk factor for divorce, a new research brief from the Institute of Family Studies suggests. But it’s not the only reason.

The brief, which crunches data from more than 53,000 women ages 15 to 49 from the National Survey of Family Growth from 1995 to 2019, shows how age at the time of marriage is also a factor.

And depending on when marriage happens for a woman, the impact of religion on divorce can have no effect.

While the IFS researchers couldn’t conclude how religion can foster a higher likelihood of stable marriages, they presented three possible explanations.

“Religion might induce people to ‘make lemons out of lemonade,’ it might give people institutional or community support, or it might positively alter the quality of romantic pairings,” they wrote.

Continue reading “Study Suggests Why Religious Marriages Are Less Likely to End In Divorce by L. Blair”

Being Bitter and Blaming Others Can Ruin Your Health by Elizabeth Cohen

Being Bitter and Blaming Others Can Ruin Your Health by Elizabeth Cohen

(Link): Being Bitter and Blaming Others Can Ruin Your Health

Excerpts:

August 2011
By Elizabeth Cohen, Senior Medical Correspondent

…Feeling persistently resentful toward other people — the boss who fired you, the spouse who cheated on you — can indeed affect your physical health, according to a new book, “Embitterment: Societal, psychological, and clinical perspectives.”

In fact, the negative power of feeling bitter is so strong that the authors call for the creation of a new diagnosis called PTED, or post-traumatic embitterment disorder, to describe people who can’t forgive others’ transgressions against them.

“Bitterness is a nasty solvent that erodes every good thing,” says Dr. Charles Raison, associate professor of psychiatry at Emory University School of Medicine and CNNHealth’s Mental Health expert doctor.

What bitterness does to your body

Feeling bitter interferes with the body’s hormonal and immune systems, according to Carsten Wrosch, an associate professor of psychology at Concordia University in Montreal and an author of a chapter in the new book.

Studies have shown that bitter, angry people have higher blood pressure and heart rate and are more likely to die of heart disease and other illnesses.

Continue reading “Being Bitter and Blaming Others Can Ruin Your Health by Elizabeth Cohen”

Her Married Boyfriend of Five Years Won’t Divorce His Ex Unless She Pays For It

Her Married Boyfriend of Five Years Won’t Divorce His Ex Unless She Pays For It

This lady says she’s been dating a married guy for five years, he won’t divorce his ex wife unless she pays for it, so she writes in to an advice columnist to ask if it’s okay for her to be angry about the situation.

This is wrong on like 54 different levels.

How about not dating someone who is still legally married?

How about ceasing and desisting with the codependency, getting a spine, some self esteem, and realizing you should not be a doormat to this putz any longer, and dumping him pronto? Why are you writing to an advice columnist to figure out what to do, you’re an adult.

Did being married make the guy described in this letter a more responsible, ethical, loving person? No, no it did not. So the Christian Al Mohlers and conservative marriage-pushers (like Brad Wilcox) can stop promoting that view about marriage.

Some people have dating criteria that is too strict; the woman who wrote this letter appears to have next to none!

(Link): My boyfriend refuses to divorce his ex unless I pay for it. Is this relationship worth saving?

Is “this relationship worth saving?” Lady, you never had a relationship to start with.

The letter:

by Morgan Absher
USA TODAY
Dec 6, 2021

Question:
“I am a 39-year-old female and my boyfriend is a 33-year-old male.

We have been together for five years.

There are a few things I can’t handle and have voiced my opinion on, but I get called crazy or just get ignored. Communication for us has been minimal for the past two years or so.

He is still married to his ex. While he has promised a divorce, he refuses to get one now unless I pay for it.

Continue reading “Her Married Boyfriend of Five Years Won’t Divorce His Ex Unless She Pays For It”

Lundy Bancroft: How to Spot Red Flags When Dating

Lundy Bancroft: How to Spot Red Flags When Dating

(Link): video on You Tube: Lundy Bancroft: How to Spot Red Flags When Dating

Also embedded here:

(Link): Warning Signs Of A Controlling And Abusive Man, According To A Domestic Violence Specialist

Excerpts:

by Gwen Farrell

….All of His Exes Are “Crazy”

…Maybe all of his exes really were “crazy,” but more often than not, this claim points to the fact that this guy doesn’t like taking any blame for any misdeeds or wrongdoing, and if he didn’t own up or take responsibility for his actions in his past relationships, chances are slim he’ll suddenly decide to do so with you.

He’s Disrespectful to You

If he’s verbally disrespectful, careless with the way he talks to you and about you to others, get the heck out. Psychologist Lundy Bancroft says, “Disrespect is the soil in which abuse grows.

Continue reading “Lundy Bancroft: How to Spot Red Flags When Dating”

Wedding Photographers Say There are Three Signs that a Marriage Won’t Last

Wedding Photographers Say There are Three Signs that a Marriage Won’t Last

(Link): Wedding Photographers Say There are Three Signs that a Marriage Won’t Last

by Cortney Moore

A wedding photographer is dividing the internet after sharing a marriage longevity theory that says there are three telltale signs on whether a couple will go the distance.

In a TikTok video titled “3 signs a couple may split,” Arkansas-based photographer Shayla Herrington relayed a theory she once heard when she worked with a wedding photographer who had more than a decade of experience.

Continue reading “Wedding Photographers Say There are Three Signs that a Marriage Won’t Last”

Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage

Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage by Andrew J. Bauman and Taylor May

(Link): Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage

Excerpts:

by Andrew J. Bauman

I am proud to be writing this article in partnership with Taylor May, a survivor of emotional and spiritual abuse. She has boldly shared her own story about what it was like to be married to someone who had a Pornographic Style of Relating, (PSR) and what it felt like to be used by him with her Church’s consent.

*Trigger warning for those who have suffered this type of betrayal trauma.


I’ve written about the pornographic style of relating here (PSR), but today we will hear from the perspective of a woman who has lived on the other side of this dynamic.

Many people have been talking about this with the release of this new book [Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life by Gary Thomas] and some of its disturbing implications.

How can we talk about what these women are experiencing, and what can we learn from them?

Taylor May has offered her story and her experience below. My hope is that this can begin to clear up the muddy waters of what it means to live a Christlike marriage in a deeply pornified world.


by Taylor May

I didn’t realize how a pornographic style of relating was so deeply embedded into my first marriage until I was firmly planted into my second marriage.

That’s when I began to see the impact my first husband’s issue with lust had on my new, much healthier relationship.

Let me tell you my story, and how I and countless other women feel when our significant others lust for other women, on-screen or off.

Those of us who grew up in the evangelical Church have been told that we are responsible for men’s lust issues. This lie has been perpetrated by the church for far too long.

Many men are leading our church conversations with 90% of pastors being men, and considering that nearly 50% of those pastors self-report having used pornography, it would make sense that they would try to gaslight women by minimizing the destructive nature of porn use.

One way they do this is by framing it as a women’s issue or a sex issue, rather than the objectification of women/sin issue–one that stems from the person doing the objectifying.

Continue reading “Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage”

Why Putin’s Desperate Push for More Russian Babies Will Fail

Why Putin’s Desperate Push for More Russian Babies Will Fail

I placed parts of the following article in bold-faced type.

Too often, a lot of people, religious conservatives in particular, shame people who cannot or do not marry and have children, whether it’s by circumstance or choice.

Too many religious conservatives, and a lot of progressive secular culture for many years, implied or outright stated if an adult didn’t marry (or have children) that there was something “wrong” with them, they were a loser, not a “true” adult, or were being selfish.

It is just quite irritating and insulting how so many people in many cultures the world over don’t treat adult singleness (or being childless or childfree) with respect.

Complementarian Christians in the United States have often tried to sell a “fairy tale” view off marriage, that if you just trust God, God will send you a great soul mate, and you will find nothing but happiness as a result.

(Those same Christians, though, will tell Christian women married to abusive Christian husbands that they cannot divorce their abuser!)

Christians also set up unrealistic expectations for sex in marriage. At least while I was growing up, and into the 1990s, a lot of Christians sold this bogus view that if you just hung on to your virginity that God would not only send you a great spouse, but you’d have regular and fantastic sex.

But witness those of us who remained sexually abstinent and yet still remain single, or those who married but ended up in sexually unsatisfying marriages.

I’m not opposed to Christians advocating for a traditional, Christian sexual ethos, but they need to stop making grand, sweeping claims and promises claiming that you will have a rosy (marital) future if you just remain chaste – because often, those promises do not come to pass.

I am not Russian, but if gender roles and gender expectations in Russia are anything like I’ve grown up with in the United States, it sounds like (based on a quote by a Russian woman I’ve included below) as though Russian culture – like American culture, especially Christian complementarians – expect women to place every one and every thing as a priority over what they, the women, want.

I am so tired of cultures the world over expecting that women defer to men generally, to what governments want, etc.

(Link): Why Putin’s Desperate Push for More Russian Babies Will Fail

Anna Nemtsova
Mon, September 6, 2021

Russia is facing a dire demographic crisis, and it doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon.

The country’s dramatic natural population decline in the past six months—more than double the rate from the same time period last year—is so severe that it prompted President Vladimir Putin to come out with a rallying cry in support of larger families last week. “A strong family bringing up two, three, or four children,” he said, “should be the image of a future Russia.”

Realizing this goal will be a Herculean task, for many reasons. No matter how conservative the country is made out to be on state television, the States Statistic Service reports that as of 2020 73 percent of Russian marriages ended in divorce, with 48 percent divorcing before having children.

Continue reading “Why Putin’s Desperate Push for More Russian Babies Will Fail”