Lundy Bancroft on Narcissists vs Abusers for The Audacious Life podcast

Lundy Bancroft on Narcissists vs Abusers for The Audacious Life podcast

The first half to two thirds of this video of what the speakers describe, how they describe the typical views of abusive men, is reminiscent of some Christian Gender Complementarians and their views, and what some complementarian adherents believe.

Especially if you are a Christian single woman who’s wanting to marry AND in particular you were raised by Christian parents or in a church that taught traditional gender roles (perhaps under the phrase or label of “gender complementarianism“) please pay special attention to the video below.

Under “gender complementarian” teachings (and just mainstream, evangelical or Baptist and Christian dating advice), Christian women have been taught to accept all sorts of toxic teachings and to accept on-going mistreatment from a spouse (and from other people in their lives).

Chances are good that if you’re a single Christian woman who was brought up to believe in gender complementarian teachings that you were heavily encouraged to adopt people pleasing or codependent behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes, which will make you attractive to abusers and people with personality disorders (many of whom can be abusive).

Additionally, if you do marry an abusive person (whether he is emotionally, sexually, verbally, or physically abusive) the majority of Christian churches and denominations teach women that divorce is not an option, not even in cases of abuse.

You (if you’re an abused wife asking a Christian for advice or help in regards to your marriage) will usually be told just to “submit more,” give your spouse more sex, and to pray about it – but none of those methods will change your spouse or cause him to stop abusing you.

There is nothing you can say or do that will get your husband to stop abusing you – (Link): nor is it your responsibility to try to fix or change your spouse in the first place.

You have to go into a marriage to a self professing Christian man knowing before-hand  that if your spouse turns abusive, that you must eventually divorce the guy, and you most likely won’t get any help or encouragement in that area from your church, church group, church friends, or pastor.

Most churches and pastors will shame, pressure, and guilt trip an abused wife to stay in the abusive marriage at all costs, because they value the institution of marriage above the safety and mental health of the abused wife.

If you’re a Christian woman in an abusive marriage, your church, church friends, and your preacher will never, ever give you permission to divorce – but you don’t need their permission or approval – you just need your own. It’s your life, not theirs.

(Link – to video on You Tube): Lundy Bancroft on Narcissists vs Abusers for The Audacious Life podcast

Excerpts, video description (from text below the video on the You Tube page):

I’m happy to interview Lundy Bancroft, author, and expert on male abuse behaviors and tactics.

Lundy has 30 years experience working in the field of abuse. His book “Why Does He Do That” is a one of the first I read and it helped tremendously.

Lundy is a lifelong advocate for the safety of women and children and it shines through in his books. You may be wondering whether you’re in a relationship with a Narcissist or an Abuser or someone who’s both.

Continue reading “Lundy Bancroft on Narcissists vs Abusers for The Audacious Life podcast”

Staffers Quit Venue Church After Confronting Pastor With Allegations of Affair, Misconduct by L. Blair

Staffers Quit Venue Church After Confronting Pastor With Allegations of Affair, Misconduct

(Link): Staffers Quit Venue Church After Confronting Pastor With Allegations of Affair, Misconduct

Dec 23, 2021
by Leonardo Blair

At least eight employees of Venue Church, a fast-growing congregation based in Chattanooga, Tennessee, have reportedly quit their jobs over alleged misconduct by Pastor Tavner Smith, who is allegedly shown kissing a woman who is not his wife in a video that recently surfaced online.

Last Friday afternoon, staff and volunteers confronted Smith about the video recorded in North Georgia, The Chattanooga Times Free Press reported.

Two former employees and four volunteers or members previously connected to the church told the newspaper that the eight employees quit after confronting the pastor about a rumored affair with a church employee.

Continue reading “Staffers Quit Venue Church After Confronting Pastor With Allegations of Affair, Misconduct by L. Blair”

Tracy Smith’s – @mythreesonsb – Public Squabbling Involves Misrepresenting Anyone Who Knows Julie Anne (of SSB Blog) Online

Tracy Smith’s – @mythreesonsb – Public Squabbling Involves Misrepresenting Anyone Who Knows Julie Anne (of SSB Blog) Online

Okay, so Julie Anne, of SSB Blog publicly let people know she and her husband divorced months ago. She wrote a few blog posts about it, if I recall correctly.

I don’t remember all the ins and outs of it.

A few weeks ago, I saw a tweet by a guy debating about domestic violence in regards to emotional abuse, and some lady I never heard of before was saying some pretty unfounded, very ignorant comments about emotional / verbal abuse, so I left her two politely-worded tweets in response, where I explained to her what emotional abuse is.

(This lady I replied to at that time, Tracy Smith, seemed to be saying that some married women, or women in any abusive relationships, lie or exaggerate about the issue.)

I just found out that this Tracy Smith person blocked me on Twitter at some point in the last few weeks, even though I previously had no idea who she is, and I only sent her two civil tweets (and those tweets were sent before I knew she was in some kind of feud in Julie Anne, or even who she is).blockedTracySmith2021

I was verbally abused by family members growing up, so I’m educated on the topic – not just by way of first hand experience, but I’ve done a lot of reading about the topic the last few years.

I at first assumed that Tracy Smith was another Lori Alexander (“The Transformed Wife” blogger), one of those “wife and mommy bloggers,” who just sits around defending Christian patriarchy on social media.

Continue reading “Tracy Smith’s – @mythreesonsb – Public Squabbling Involves Misrepresenting Anyone Who Knows Julie Anne (of SSB Blog) Online”

Being Bitter and Blaming Others Can Ruin Your Health by Elizabeth Cohen

Being Bitter and Blaming Others Can Ruin Your Health by Elizabeth Cohen

(Link): Being Bitter and Blaming Others Can Ruin Your Health

Excerpts:

August 2011
By Elizabeth Cohen, Senior Medical Correspondent

…Feeling persistently resentful toward other people — the boss who fired you, the spouse who cheated on you — can indeed affect your physical health, according to a new book, “Embitterment: Societal, psychological, and clinical perspectives.”

In fact, the negative power of feeling bitter is so strong that the authors call for the creation of a new diagnosis called PTED, or post-traumatic embitterment disorder, to describe people who can’t forgive others’ transgressions against them.

“Bitterness is a nasty solvent that erodes every good thing,” says Dr. Charles Raison, associate professor of psychiatry at Emory University School of Medicine and CNNHealth’s Mental Health expert doctor.

What bitterness does to your body

Feeling bitter interferes with the body’s hormonal and immune systems, according to Carsten Wrosch, an associate professor of psychology at Concordia University in Montreal and an author of a chapter in the new book.

Studies have shown that bitter, angry people have higher blood pressure and heart rate and are more likely to die of heart disease and other illnesses.

Continue reading “Being Bitter and Blaming Others Can Ruin Your Health by Elizabeth Cohen”

Pastor Tells Men: “The Best Person to Rape is Your Wife” by Sarah Einselen

Pastor Tells Men: “The Best Person to Rape is Your Wife” by Sarah Einselen

(Update Below)

Another indication of why single, Christian women especially should never, ever take any type of dating advice by Christians…
Because if Christian pastors are teaching it’s acceptable for married men to rape their wives, you can feel sure in assuming such men and their churches or denominations won’t have YOUR best interests at heart if you are a single woman. 

You – if you are a woman, whether you are married or single – need to look out for you and not expect to get loving, wise counsel from such sexist douche waffles, like this male pastor, who always prioritize the feelings and needs of men above that of women.

Contrary to what this guy is teaching, yes ladies, you are your own; you have a right to have boundaries. Here we go again with patriarchal, complementarian Christian men assuming that Codependent relationship habits for women are “biblical,” though the God of the Bible frowns on Codependent behavior in EITHER biological sex (men or women).

Also, the “equally yoked” rule is bunk. If you’re a single, Christian woman, don’t limit yourself to only dating Christian men – because some of these self-professing Christian men are dirt bags who have no regard for women; you’d be better off dating and marrying an ethical, loving NON-Christian man than a dirt-bag Christian one who thinks it’s acceptable for a husband to rape his own wife.

(Link): Pastor Tells Men: “The Best Person to Rape is Your Wife” by Sarah Einselen

Nov 22, 2021

A New York pastor recently told men in a video clip posted on YouTube that “the best person to rape is your wife.”

The pastor, Dr. Burnett L. Robinson, is senior pastor of (Link): Grand Concourse Seventh-Day Adventist Temple in New York City. And in the clip, Robinson urges womento submit to their husbands and tells them, “In this matter of submission, I want you to know up front, ladies, that once you get married, you are no longer your own. You are your husband’s!”

Robinson then expresses dismay that a woman can sue her husband for rape and states, “I would say to you, gentlemen, the best person to rape is your wife.”

The video was posted by Sarah McDugal, an advocate and abuse recovery coach.

(link to You Tube video: Pastor Promotes Rape & Abuse from the Pulpit)

But the doctrine he preached is common in some fundamentalist evangelical circles, too.

Continue reading “Pastor Tells Men: “The Best Person to Rape is Your Wife” by Sarah Einselen”

Lundy Bancroft: How to Spot Red Flags When Dating

Lundy Bancroft: How to Spot Red Flags When Dating

(Link): video on You Tube: Lundy Bancroft: How to Spot Red Flags When Dating

Also embedded here:

(Link): Warning Signs Of A Controlling And Abusive Man, According To A Domestic Violence Specialist

Excerpts:

by Gwen Farrell

….All of His Exes Are “Crazy”

…Maybe all of his exes really were “crazy,” but more often than not, this claim points to the fact that this guy doesn’t like taking any blame for any misdeeds or wrongdoing, and if he didn’t own up or take responsibility for his actions in his past relationships, chances are slim he’ll suddenly decide to do so with you.

He’s Disrespectful to You

If he’s verbally disrespectful, careless with the way he talks to you and about you to others, get the heck out. Psychologist Lundy Bancroft says, “Disrespect is the soil in which abuse grows.

Continue reading “Lundy Bancroft: How to Spot Red Flags When Dating”

These Single Moms Are Forced to Choose: Reveal Their Sexual Histories or Forfeit Welfare

These Single Moms Are Forced to Choose: Reveal Their Sexual Histories or Forfeit Welfare

(Link): These Single Moms Are Forced to Choose: Reveal Their Sexual Histories or Forfeit Welfare

Excerpts:

More than a dozen mothers in New Mexico spoke to ProPublica about their experiences with cash assistance, as did former Human Services Department lawyers and caseworkers who handled welfare applications.

The moms described it as humiliating and sometimes terrifying to be questioned about their sexual histories by agents of the state, in small interview rooms, just to obtain a basic form of government help.

Some were required to submit their children to genetic testing in order to receive aid.

Continue reading “These Single Moms Are Forced to Choose: Reveal Their Sexual Histories or Forfeit Welfare”

Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage

Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage by Andrew J. Bauman and Taylor May

(Link): Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage

Excerpts:

by Andrew J. Bauman

I am proud to be writing this article in partnership with Taylor May, a survivor of emotional and spiritual abuse. She has boldly shared her own story about what it was like to be married to someone who had a Pornographic Style of Relating, (PSR) and what it felt like to be used by him with her Church’s consent.

*Trigger warning for those who have suffered this type of betrayal trauma.


I’ve written about the pornographic style of relating here (PSR), but today we will hear from the perspective of a woman who has lived on the other side of this dynamic.

Many people have been talking about this with the release of this new book [Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life by Gary Thomas] and some of its disturbing implications.

How can we talk about what these women are experiencing, and what can we learn from them?

Taylor May has offered her story and her experience below. My hope is that this can begin to clear up the muddy waters of what it means to live a Christlike marriage in a deeply pornified world.


by Taylor May

I didn’t realize how a pornographic style of relating was so deeply embedded into my first marriage until I was firmly planted into my second marriage.

That’s when I began to see the impact my first husband’s issue with lust had on my new, much healthier relationship.

Let me tell you my story, and how I and countless other women feel when our significant others lust for other women, on-screen or off.

Those of us who grew up in the evangelical Church have been told that we are responsible for men’s lust issues. This lie has been perpetrated by the church for far too long.

Many men are leading our church conversations with 90% of pastors being men, and considering that nearly 50% of those pastors self-report having used pornography, it would make sense that they would try to gaslight women by minimizing the destructive nature of porn use.

One way they do this is by framing it as a women’s issue or a sex issue, rather than the objectification of women/sin issue–one that stems from the person doing the objectifying.

Continue reading “Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage”

Russian ‘Sex Coach’ Was Repeatedly Stabbed in the Head by Her ‘Jealous’ Husband

Russian ‘Sex Coach’ Was Repeatedly Stabbed in the Head by Her ‘Jealous’ Husband

As I was saying on Twitter, the older I get, and I continue to see such news stories as the one in this post, the happier I feel to be single and celibate.

I cannot believe as I grew up that the evangelical / Baptist / Protestant culture brainwashed everyone to think that being single is “second best” and being chaste over the age of 25 was “impossible” or somehow “not worth it.”

I see so many people who, as teens or adults, are not happy from having sex outside of marriage, or they get married, and they have a sexless marriage, or their spouse abuses them.

You’re ultimately not going to find healing and hope in another person (i.e., a spouse).

This news story should be another sign to Christians who keep peddling false notions about singleness, dating, sex, and marriage that sexual purity is not for singles only.

You have married people out there who think it’s acceptable to work as “sex coaches,” or open their own “only fans” accounts, or to “wife swap” (see links under “Related” below for examples).

Churches need to remind MARRIED people that sexual purity is for them as well. It’s not single adults that are falling into sexual temptations left and right, it’s married couples who are.

I don’t approve of this married woman’s “sex coach” occupation, but no, I sure don’t defend the husband stabbing her to death over it, or for whatever reasons he had.

Note that these are two married people who had a couple of children together. The pro-marriage and pro-have-children Christians and conservatives are wrong to teach (as they do) that getting married and having children will always (or even usually) make people more godly, loving, mature and ethical.

I have many more examples on my blog here that demonstrate that marriage and/or parenthood do NOT make people more ethical, responsible, godly, loving, mature, etc.

(Link): Russian ‘sex coach’ was repeatedly stabbed in the head by her ‘jealous’ husband

Excerpts:

by Will Stewart
Sept 22, 2021

A Russian ‘psychologist and sex coach’ was repeatedly stabbed in the head by her husband who then threw her body from a 130ft-high building.

Rustam Mursalov, 24, confessed to killing his wife Alexandra Mursalova, 25, out of ‘jealousy’, according to reports.

Mursalova, who had two children with personal trainer Mursalov, worked with wealthy clients in St Petersburg.

Continue reading “Russian ‘Sex Coach’ Was Repeatedly Stabbed in the Head by Her ‘Jealous’ Husband”

Why Putin’s Desperate Push for More Russian Babies Will Fail

Why Putin’s Desperate Push for More Russian Babies Will Fail

I placed parts of the following article in bold-faced type.

Too often, a lot of people, religious conservatives in particular, shame people who cannot or do not marry and have children, whether it’s by circumstance or choice.

Too many religious conservatives, and a lot of progressive secular culture for many years, implied or outright stated if an adult didn’t marry (or have children) that there was something “wrong” with them, they were a loser, not a “true” adult, or were being selfish.

It is just quite irritating and insulting how so many people in many cultures the world over don’t treat adult singleness (or being childless or childfree) with respect.

Complementarian Christians in the United States have often tried to sell a “fairy tale” view off marriage, that if you just trust God, God will send you a great soul mate, and you will find nothing but happiness as a result.

(Those same Christians, though, will tell Christian women married to abusive Christian husbands that they cannot divorce their abuser!)

Christians also set up unrealistic expectations for sex in marriage. At least while I was growing up, and into the 1990s, a lot of Christians sold this bogus view that if you just hung on to your virginity that God would not only send you a great spouse, but you’d have regular and fantastic sex.

But witness those of us who remained sexually abstinent and yet still remain single, or those who married but ended up in sexually unsatisfying marriages.

I’m not opposed to Christians advocating for a traditional, Christian sexual ethos, but they need to stop making grand, sweeping claims and promises claiming that you will have a rosy (marital) future if you just remain chaste – because often, those promises do not come to pass.

I am not Russian, but if gender roles and gender expectations in Russia are anything like I’ve grown up with in the United States, it sounds like (based on a quote by a Russian woman I’ve included below) as though Russian culture – like American culture, especially Christian complementarians – expect women to place every one and every thing as a priority over what they, the women, want.

I am so tired of cultures the world over expecting that women defer to men generally, to what governments want, etc.

(Link): Why Putin’s Desperate Push for More Russian Babies Will Fail

Anna Nemtsova
Mon, September 6, 2021

Russia is facing a dire demographic crisis, and it doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon.

The country’s dramatic natural population decline in the past six months—more than double the rate from the same time period last year—is so severe that it prompted President Vladimir Putin to come out with a rallying cry in support of larger families last week. “A strong family bringing up two, three, or four children,” he said, “should be the image of a future Russia.”

Realizing this goal will be a Herculean task, for many reasons. No matter how conservative the country is made out to be on state television, the States Statistic Service reports that as of 2020 73 percent of Russian marriages ended in divorce, with 48 percent divorcing before having children.

Continue reading “Why Putin’s Desperate Push for More Russian Babies Will Fail”

Muslim Cleric Dies After Being Castrated by One of His Wives for Planning to Marry Again

Muslim Cleric Dies After Being Castrated by One of His Wives for Planning to Marry Again

(Link): Muslim Cleric Dies After Being Castrated by One of His Wives for Planning to Marry Again

by Robert Spencer

The facts at hand presumably speak for themselves, but a trifle more vulgarly, I suspect, than facts even usually do.

On Thursday evening in the Indian city of Muzaffarnagar, Hazra, the second wife of the Muslim cleric Maulvi Vakil Ahmad, pleaded with him not to take a third wife.

The good Maulvi refused her pleas and went to sleep, whereupon, according to (Link): India Today, “Hazra cut off his manhood with a sharp-edged kitchen knife, due to which he ‘bled to death.’”

Continue reading “Muslim Cleric Dies After Being Castrated by One of His Wives for Planning to Marry Again”

Man Stabs Wife in ‘Brutal Attack’ in Argument Over Attending Church on Mother’s Day by L. Blair

Man Stabs Wife in ‘Brutal Attack’ in Argument Over Attending Church on Mother’s Day by L. Blair

I don’t even know where to start with this story (see headline further below).

Too many Christians revere motherhood to the point they marginalize and shame any woman who has never had children (for whatever reason, whether from choice or by circumstance).

Additionally, a lot of hyper- pro- marriage conservatives, both secular and Christian, idolize marriage, and in the process, they sometimes shame singles for being single and say all sorts of insulting things about single and childless adults.

Both secular and conservative Christians who push marriage and natalism way too much often like to say that being married and being a parent are necessary states to make a person godly, more loving, ethical, and responsible.

They assume and like to spread the disinformation that all single adults are irresponsible, immature, immoral, or selfish.

So how funny it is to see news headlines below, which put a lie to those conservative stereotypes about marital or parental status.

(Not that I find it funny that the woman was stabbed; I sure don’t find that part of this amusing. I just mean to say that in light of the many news stories of (Link):  married people or (Link): parents who rape, kill, steal, or murder that one would think that Christians and secular conservative pro-family groups would stop promoting marriage and parenthood as “cures” for people or for the culture)

(Link): Man Stabs Wife in ‘Brutal Attack’ in Argument Over Attending Church on Mother’s Day by L. Blair

Excerpts:

May 2021

A Texas mother was repeatedly stabbed in a “brutal attack” by her husband during an argument over attending church on Mother’s Day and he is now on the lam, police say.

In a statement released Monday, the Nacogdoches County Sheriff’s Office said they are now seeking help from the public in apprehending the woman’s husband, 43-year-old Rodolfo Madera Gonzalez, for aggravated assault with a weapon–family violence, which is a first-degree felony.

Continue reading “Man Stabs Wife in ‘Brutal Attack’ in Argument Over Attending Church on Mother’s Day by L. Blair”