STUDY: Like Females, Males Suffer Melancholy After Sex

STUDY: Like Females, Males Suffer Melancholy After Sex…

(Link): STUDY: Like Females, Males Suffer Melancholy After Sex…

Excerpts:

According to a new paper titled Postcoital Dysphoria: Prevalence and Correlates among Males published in the (Link): Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, men can and do suffer from Postcoital Dysphoria (PCD).

Symptoms include feelings of sadness, tearfulness or irritability following sex.

While (Link): previous findings show the condition to be common in women, there had been no prior research into whether the same could be said for men, say Masters student Joel Maczkowiack and Professor Robert Schweitzer from Queensland University of Technology’s School of Psychology and Counselling.

“Forty-one per cent of the participants reported experiencing PCD in their lifetime with 20 per cent reporting they had experienced it in the previous four weeks. Up to four per cent suffered from PCD on a regular basis.”

Continue reading “STUDY: Like Females, Males Suffer Melancholy After Sex”

Singles Discrimination, Complementarianism, Equally Yoked Teaching, and Spotting Predators in Church Video

Singles Discrimination, Complementarianism, Equally Yoked Teaching, and Spotting Predators in Church Video

Someone in a Christian discussion group posted this video (and I don’t want to link to the group or mention it by name, though you may be able to figure out which one it is, especially if you are already familiar with it), and the Christians on the discussion board talked about it:

(Link): When A Predator Shows Up At Your Church — Here’s What You Do!

That same video has also been making the rounds on other Christian blogs, sites, forums, and on Twitter.

The video is around 18 minutes long. I watched it a few days ago.

The video features a Christian woman who says a 50-something guy showed up at her church, a man who set off red flags for her, due to his weird behavior around the kids who were there at the church, including her own.

The man behaved overly-familiar with her kid, other people’s kids who were there, and he ignored the parents of the kids.

(1) First, I’m going to discuss what I believe this video has to do with complementarianism.

(2) Then I am going to discuss some of the disturbing comments about adult singles that were made in the Christian discussion group where I saw this video posted to, and next,

(3) I’ll move on to discussing, as mentioned by a woman or two in the group, about the creepy behavior single adult women have to put up with, even at church, and what this has to do with the Christian “Equally Yoked” teaching.

Continue reading “Singles Discrimination, Complementarianism, Equally Yoked Teaching, and Spotting Predators in Church Video”

Reflections On Lori Alexander’s Debt Free Virgins Without Tattoos (post updated)

Reflections On Lori Alexander’s Debt Free Virgins Without Tattoos

(Post updated below.)


I used to be a gender complementarian, and I wrote about that in (Link): this post.  I rejected complementarianism many years ago.

Lori Alexander is an extremist Christian gender complementarian (some may consider her more of a patriarchalist, I suppose) who has a Facebook group and a blog called “The Transformed Wife,” where she dispenses what many consider to be extremely toxic, harmful, and sexist advice to women, which makes most women want to gag or vomit.

Lori Alexander recently wrote a post called something like, “[Men Find] Debt Free Virgins Without Tattoos [More Attractive].”

If you are new to my blog, a little about myself, so you can see my qualifications for addressing Mrs. Alexander’s commentary:

I was a conservative Christian for many years and a gender complementarian until around the age of 35. I am currently between the ages of 45 and 50 and am still a virgin (that’s right, I’ve never had sex, not even when I was a college student).

I was committed to the idea of waiting until marriage to have sex, and I never found “Mr. Right,” ergo, I never had sex.

I attended college, which my father paid for (thanks, dad!), so I never had any student debt.

I have a college degree.

I’ve never had any tattoos. I’ve also never drank alcohol, smoked, or abused drugs.

Someone on Twitter posted (Link): these screen captures of posts by Lori Alexander. In those screen caps, Alexander is recorded as writing the following (which I will critique below):

By Lori Alexander (“The Transformed Wife”)

Do you know how much more attractive debt-free virgins (without tattoos) are to young men?

Unfortunately, there are so few of these types of young women anymore because of the high costs of college (debt) and sexual promiscuity even within those in the church. [snip URL Alexander cites to her blog post on this subject]

— end Lori Alexander quotes–

A summary of my conclusions and opinions on this matter:
Mrs. Alexander, you are simply incorrect. I am a virgin, I don’t have any tattoos,  I have no debt, for many years I was the epitome of the good, godly, sweet, demure, lady-like complementarian, I’ve never identified as feminist – but none of that enabled me to catch a husband, Christian or otherwise. I remain single past the age of 45.

There are no guarantees that a woman will gain a spouse if only she follows a certain set of dating advice or rules, such as… prays for a spouse, “trusts the Lord” for a spouse, follows complementarian teachings, refrains from attending college, or refrains from receiving a tattoo or dabbling in feminism.

Continue reading “Reflections On Lori Alexander’s Debt Free Virgins Without Tattoos (post updated)”

Southern Baptist Officials Knew of Sexual Abuse Allegations Eleven Years Before Leader’s Arrest

Southern Baptist Officials Knew of Sexual Abuse Allegations Eleven Years Before Leader’s Arrest

Southern Baptists are gender complementarians – they say they respect women, but by looking at news stories like this, one can see that is not so.

As a single woman, I will not take relationship advice from a group of Christians  (Southern Baptists) who cover-up sexual abuse of girls and women, and who teach that male hierarchy and female subordination is “biblical,” which they do as part of “gender complementarian” teachings.

I also won’t bother, contrary to what my parents taught me, to seek a potential husband from a local church, since so many church-goers do things like fondle teen-aged girls and then the rest of the church covers it up.

(Link): Southern Baptist Officials Knew of Sexual Abuse Allegations Eleven Years Before Leader’s Arrest

by Sarah Smith, July 2018

The missionary arm of the Southern Baptist Convention knew about allegations against Southern Baptist leader Mark Aderholt more than 10 years before he was arrested July 3 on charges that he sexually assaulted a 16-year-old girl, according to police records, emails and an internal investigation from the organization.

In 2007, the International Mission Boardconducted an investigation into allegations that Aderholt had a sexual relationship with the girl while he was a 25-year-old student at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth. At the time of the investigation, Aderholt was one of the more prolific missionaries with the Mission Board, which has sent Southern Baptists around the globe for more than a century.

Continue reading “Southern Baptist Officials Knew of Sexual Abuse Allegations Eleven Years Before Leader’s Arrest”

I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me? By Glynnis MacNicol

I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me? By Glynnis MacNicol

As to this editorial below – I for one never cared much if I had children or not. I just wanted to be married.

So I am more than a little puzzled or annoyed by societal attitudes that assume I am pitiable because I don’t have children, or that I must not know my own preferences or my own mind.

(Link): I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?

Excerpts:

Since I turned 40 I’ve encountered disbelief that I could possibly be enjoying my own life. But then there’s the other unexpected gift of this age: just how little concern I have for others’ opinions.

By Glynnis MacNicol
July 5, 2018

A few months before my 42nd birthday, I was out to dinner with friends and found myself seated next to a well-known older male writer.

I happened to be in the final stages of finishing a proposal for a memoir about being a single woman over 40 without children, and was inwardly marveling at the timing of our encounter. I was a fan of his. Perhaps he might offer some wisdom? Words of encouragement?

As drinks were delivered I sketched the outline of the story: No one had prepared me for how exhilarating life could be on my own. I was traveling all the time, doing what I wanted, when I wanted, released from the fear of the clock that had dogged me through my 30s.

Conversely, no one had warned me of the ways in which it would actually be difficult; my mother had been very ill, for instance, and part of the book was about caring for her.

No sooner had I finished than the famous writer placed his glass firmly on the white tablecloth, leaned back and declared: “Glynnis MacNicol, you have a terrible life!”

….I again faced a dilemma I’d been struggling with since turning 40: how to counter other people’s disbelief that I, single and child-free, could possibly be enjoying my own life.

Continue reading “I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me? By Glynnis MacNicol”

Codependence Is Not Oneness: What Christians Get Wrong About Relationships

Codependence Is Not Oneness: What Christians Get Wrong About Relationships

Some Christians – most conservative ones – teach something called “Gender Complementarianism” which instills codependent behaviors in girls, and also encourages adult women to behave in a codependent fashion, which is not healthy for relationships. But complementarians like to insist this is “biblical,” but it’s really not.

Of course, secular culture – Hollywood in particular – love to teach people that they are incomplete until and unless they find that one special “someone,” a romantic partner, and get married. So, secular culture is not necessarily any better at this than Christian culture.

Most Christian dating or marital advice is horrible, but this page was pretty good.

(Link): Codependence Is Not Oneness: What Christians Get Wrong About Relationships

Excerpts:

BY DEBRA K. FILETA
JUNE 6, 2018
4 MINUTE READ

Many people believe they have fallen in love, only to realize their “love” is based on need—a need to be wanted, a need to be valued, a need to be affirmed. A need to be taken care of, to be nurtured, to be kept safe.

“Need love” drives you toward someone out of desperation, insecurities, and fear.

Continue reading “Codependence Is Not Oneness: What Christians Get Wrong About Relationships”

Want More Babies? You Need Less Patriarchy by M. Goldberg

Want More Babies? You Need Less Patriarchy by M. Goldberg

(Link): Want More Babies? You Need Less Patriarchy – on New York Times

Same editorial here:

(Link): Want More Babies? You Need Less Patriarchy – Oregonian

Excerpts:

Last week, the National Center for Health Statistics reported that America’s birthrate reached a historic low in 2017, falling to 60.2 births per 1,000 women of childbearing age.

For a population in the developed world to replace itself, the average woman needs to have around 2.1 children. In the United States, where fertility has been below replacement for about a decade, the average woman now has 1.77.

Several commentators have described the plunge as a mystery, particularly since we’re in a period of economic growth. Some on the right have, absurdly, blamed the shrinking birthrate on abortion, even though abortion rates are also as low as they’ve been since Roe v. Wade was decided.

More thoughtful conservatives, like National Review’s David French, speculated that the baby bust could be a sign of the same sort of sweeping despair that has been linked to America’s decreasing life expectancy.

I have another theory. Perhaps the United States is becoming more like the rest of the industrialized world, where declining birthrates are correlated with a lack of support for working mothers.

Continue reading “Want More Babies? You Need Less Patriarchy by M. Goldberg”

Why Doesn’t Your Husband Want to Have Sex? by E. Bernstein

Why Doesn’t Your Husband Want to Have Sex? by E. Bernstein

(Link): Why Doesn’t Your Husband Want to Have Sex?

Excerpts:

May 12, 2018

Despite the conventional wisdom, sometimes it’s the man who loses sexual desire

Contrary to conventional wisdom, sometimes it’s men who first lose sexual desire in a long-term relationship, a new study finds.

Men’s desire for sex can be as tricky as women’s, according to researchers at the University of Kentucky.

Men often lose interest when they feel insecure, when they worry they are losing autonomy in a relationship, or when physical changes cause embarrassment. Pressure to be the initiator compounds the stress.

Continue reading “Why Doesn’t Your Husband Want to Have Sex? by E. Bernstein”

Toby Willis’ Daughter Jessica Reveals Decades of Sex Abuse, Beatings, Secrets in Christian Family

Toby Willis’ Daughter Jessica Reveals Decades of Sex Abuse, Beatings, Secrets in Christian Family

Review of common motiffs covered on this blog:

-Complementarianism (Christian patriarchy / male headship) is sexist trash and doesn’t produce “godly” men (actually, men under comp take advantage of women and hold women responsible for the sins of men);
-marriage does not make people more “godly” or responsible than singleness; and,
-God does not grant spouses to perfect people only (if God did so, the depraved idiot in this following news story, who fondled his own kids would not have gotten a spouse).

(Link): Toby Willis’ Daughter Jessica Reveals Decades of Sex Abuse, Beatings, Secrets in Christian Family

By Stoyan Zaimov , Christian Post Reporter | Apr 17, 2018 9:50 AM

Jessica Willis Fisher, the 26-year-old daughter of The Willis Clan patriarch Toby, has revealed that she suffered decades of sex abuse, beatings, and manipulation at the hands of her father.

The Willis Clan, originally made up of a Christian family of 14 from Nashville, Tennessee, shot to fame through season 9 of “America’s Got Talent.” They were also featured in “The Willis Family” TV series on TLC between 2015 and 2016, before Toby Willis was arrested on charges of child rape.

Continue reading “Toby Willis’ Daughter Jessica Reveals Decades of Sex Abuse, Beatings, Secrets in Christian Family”

Tim Challies Needs to Shut His Pie Hole about Many Things, but Especially About Dating, Marriage, Singleness, and Now, Equally Yoked

Tim Challies Needs to Shut His Pie Hole about Many Things, but Especially About Dating, Marriage, Singleness, and Now, Equally Yoked

Tim Challies is the doofus Christian blogger, speaker, and book author who has actually said garbage in the past such as “even fornicators are virgins now” (yeah, (Link): he really said that).

Also bear in mind:

(Link): Tim Challies, Who Is Fine With Single Adults Fornicating, Is Not Okay With Fake Sex on TV, As Portrayed by Married Actors

(Link):  Christians (such as Tim Challies and his wife) Want to Hold Adulterers Accountable but Give Adult Single Fornicators a Pass

Furthermore, Challies is so vested in his belief of “Christian gender complementarianism,” he doesn’t care that its “male headship” doctrine leads to domestic violence against women and often leads to pressuring women to staying in abusive marriages; you can read more about that here:

(Link, to “Internet Monk” site): Stuck With Their Noses In the Text

Challies is more interested in women obeying the “male headship” and female subordination articles of faith that comprise gender complementarianism than he is in the safety and well-being of women.

As such, if you are a single woman, do you REALLY want to take any sort of relationship advice from this kind of person who does not value YOU as a person?

I would hope not.

See this:

(Link):  Consider The Source: Christians Who Give Singles Dating Advice Also Regularly Coach Wives to Stay in Abusive Marriages

Here is the link to the Tim Challies “Equally Yoked” article on Christian Post site (with more remarks by me below the excerpts):

(Link): Tim Challies Warns Christians the ‘Bible Is Very Clear’ Not to Marry Unbelievers

Here are excerpts from that page:

“The Bible makes it very, very clear that a Christian can only marry another Christian. You may not marry somebody who is an unbeliever. You should not marry somebody for whom you’re not certain whether they’re a believer or not. So absolutely, the first thing is, is this person a believer in Jesus Christ? Do we share faith?” Challies advised Thursday in part two of his message on Christian dating.

Continue reading “Tim Challies Needs to Shut His Pie Hole about Many Things, but Especially About Dating, Marriage, Singleness, and Now, Equally Yoked”

Ed Stetzer’s Marriage Article on Christianity Today and C. Allen’s Response

Ed Stetzer’s Marriage Article on Christianity Today and C. Allen’ s Response

This post first published Feb 2018

Christianity Today magazine (Link): tweeted about an article about marriage by Ed Stetzer.

I have written about another Stetzer piece before, this one:

(Link): Hey Ed Stetzer: Opposite Gender Friendships Are Not Sinful

Ed Stetzer’s Advice: “Avoid Any Hint” – More Like: Re enforce UnBiblical Stereotypes About Men, Women, Sex, and Singles

The CT piece I am (Link): referring to in this post is entitled
“Love & Marriage… Go Together Like… A Few Comments on the Covenantal Practice Today ”
with a sub-heading of,
“Marriage is a created good, is not a ‘must,’ isn’t easy.”

Before I could click on and read the Twitter-based link to the CT piece by Stetzer, I saw a set of Tweets below by someone named C. Allen, who I presume is a woman (though Allen could be a man – I’ll just say for the sake of this post that Allen is a woman).

The link to the main tweet is (Link): here, and if you scroll down, you can see the responses by C. Allen.

Before even reading the actual page by Stetzer, C. Allen’s take on it on Twitter was all I needed to know. (I read the Stetzer page later.)

I replied to Allen, telling her I completely agreed with the comments she Tweeted below the CT Tweet.

Here is Allen’s (Link): first comment in that Twitter thread:

In that entire article, only about two brief paragraphs were dedicated to Christian singleness. The rest was lamenting the degradation of the marital institution and reiterating with the same old words why marriage is important. And people wonder why singles feel disenfranchised.
/// end

Continue reading “Ed Stetzer’s Marriage Article on Christianity Today and C. Allen’s Response”

One Group That Thinks Grown Men “Courting” Teen Girls Is Natural? Fundamentalist Home-Schoolers by R. Graham

One Group That Thinks Grown Men “Courting” Teen Girls Is Natural? Fundamentalist Home-Schoolers by R. Graham

I linked to an article very similar to the one below a few months ago (Link): here.

I’ve also blogged about Phil Robertson’s gross, sexist, and creepy idea before that girls should marry at age 15 (Link): here.

(Link):  One Group That Thinks Grown Men “Courting” Teen Girls Is Natural? Fundamentalist Home-Schoolers by R. Graham

[Some Christians object to the idea of adult men dating teen girls.]

….But there’s a group of Moore’s allies for whom the basic idea of an unmarried older man “courting” a teenage girl is not anathema at all—fundamentalist home-schoolers.

Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson, who (Link): endorsed Moore in the contested Republican primary and has spoken at his rallies, told an audience in 2009 that girls should marry when they’re (Link): “about 15 or 16.”

Moore has (Link): appeared several times on a radio show hosted by Kevin Swanson, an ultra-conservative Colorado pastor who  (Link): defended Robertson’s notion that girls should be marrying at 15 because it helps them avoid sexual sin.

I’ve never married, still a virgin at age 40+, and I have a sex drive: it’s simply not true that “getting married young”(or getting married at all) is necessary to prevent someone from dabbling in sexual sin.

Staying a virgin past one’s teen years is not (Link): an impossible, heroic feat.

Anyone can do it.

Most choose not to.

Being celibate is a choice and a self-discipline, and it’s not due to lacking a sex drive; it is not a godly, incredibly difficult feat only a few can pull off. Anyone can do this.

Is is somewhat difficult when you’re single and rather be married and having sex? Yes, it can be somewhat difficult at times, but not to the point where one loses control of one’s ability to refrain.

Also, getting married does not keep people from “burning with lust,” with all due respect to the New Testament’s apostole Paul:

A lot of people get married only to sexually sin by having sex with people not their spouse, by fondling children, viewing porn, hiring prostitutes etc., and so on – see my many examples of married couples engaging in sexual sin (Link): here (i.e., collection of news stories of married people arrested for hiring prostitutes, etc).

Excerpts from the article:

Moore has an even deeper relationship with Doug Phillips, a disgraced leader in the “Biblical patriarchy” movement. Phillips was president of Vision Forum, a Texas-based organization devoted to the (Link): “restoration of the Christian household.”

In Phillips’ world, men ought to be self-sufficient by the time they marry, but women live under their father’s authority until they marry.

Continue reading “One Group That Thinks Grown Men “Courting” Teen Girls Is Natural? Fundamentalist Home-Schoolers by R. Graham”

Dear Abby: As Boyfriend Loses Hair, I Lose Interest

Dear Abby: As Boyfriend Loses Hair, I Lose Interest

Secular culture would have you believe that men care about looks in women, while women supposedly only care about money or emotional support from a man, and to that I say: FALSE.

Christians, specifically, Christian gender complementarians, ratchet this up to really emphasize the point.

I’ve heard or seen so many male Christian complementarians (and occasionally, a few women complementarians) hype up this supposed idea that God created men to be “visual,” so they will shame and badger women to stay skinny, diet, exercise, and wear make-up all the time.

The truth is, women are every bit as “visual” as men are. Most hetero women dig a hot, sexy man every bit as much as some hetero men appreciate a hot, sexy woman.

However, complementarians will seldom lecture or advise men to lose weight, go to the gym and work out, or get a toupee if they’re balding.

I think the differences is that most women are willing to cut men slack where as the reverse is not true.

I mean, a woman may prefer a hot, studly looking man, but, if you’re tubby, bald, or sort of ugly she might still be willing to date you if you bring “something else to the table” – such as a lot of money, a steady income, a great sense of humor, intelligence, dependability, or what have you.

I think most women are more wiling to take trade-offs in the “looks” and sex appeal department than most men are.

Other than that, most of both sexes prefer people who are easy on the eyes, but this sexist, irritating stereotype that only men care about looks and only women care about romance (or emotions) persists.

Here is an example of a woman who is turned off by her male partner’s baldness:

(Link): Dear Abby: As Boyfriend Loses Hair, I Lose Interest

DEAR ABBY:
My physical attraction to my boyfriend has significantly diminished due to his baldness.

I know this may seem shallow, but I have lost all interest in intimate contact with him.

Continue reading “Dear Abby: As Boyfriend Loses Hair, I Lose Interest”

When Your Husband Doesn’t Care About Your Sexual Desires by S. Gregoire

When Your Husband Doesn’t Care About Your Sexual Desires by S. Gregoire

This belies the usual Christian commentary that if a person just reserves sex for marriage, that the marriage will be great, frequent, etc. The truth is I regularly see letters to editors by married women who are dissatisfied with their husband’s sexual performance in the bedroom. Another example:

(Link): When Your Husband Doesn’t Care About Your Sexual Desires by S. Gregoire

Excerpts:

What do you do if your husband isn’t interested in hearing your sexual fantasies or desires–let alone acting on them?

…In a healthy marriage, spouses care about the other person’s pleasure and desires.

…When we make sex only about one person’s experience, though, then we’re totally erasing what God said sex was for. Sex is not just about meeting a man’s sexual needs; sex is about helping both of you feel super close.

So why do so many people seem to only focus on their own sexual needs?

Some people think that their experience of sex is the only right one
It may not be that they’re entirely selfish. It may honestly be that they don’t understand how their spouse works sexually.

Continue reading “When Your Husband Doesn’t Care About Your Sexual Desires by S. Gregoire”

75 Year Old Politician (Democrat) Fondles Breasts of 103 Mother- in- Law Who Has Dementia

75 Year Old Politician (Democrat) Fondles Breasts of 103 M-I-L Who Has Dementia

(MIL = Mother In Law.)

This is so disgusting. I’m also at a fail to see how my fellow conservatives keep promoting these views that marriage makes makes men more godly and mature, or how being in a nuclear family makes society better in some fashion, when I see news stories of married men who are doing things like fondling elderly women who have dementia.

All the dirt bag in this story is concerned about is that this act has him in trouble and may ruin his career. He doesn’t care that he objectified a woman, and his own MIL, plus, she has dementia. This guy is a sicko.

The article mentions that this guy is a Democrat.

(Link) 75 Year Old Politician Fondles Breasts of 103 MIL Who Has Dementia

A former Pennsylvania politician has been convicted of indecent assault after admitting that he fondled the breasts of his 103-year-old mother-in-law suffering from dementia — the “biggest mistake” of his life, he said.

William Spingler, former commissioner of Radnor Township, said during a hearing Thursday that the “stupid, harmless act” has destroyed his life, (Link):  the Delaware County Daily Times reports.

Continue reading “75 Year Old Politician (Democrat) Fondles Breasts of 103 Mother- in- Law Who Has Dementia”

I Wore a Wig to See If Men on Dating Sites Really Do Prefer Long Hair Over Short Hair by K. Dougher

I Wore a Wig to See If Men on Dating Sites Really Do Prefer Long Hair Over Short Hair by K. Dougher

Oh geeze, this is a Cliche’! As a woman I got this one all the time, even in Christian articles and books on dating and marriage (usually ones that were complementarian in nature, that were big promoters of traditional gender roles) – they all declare that all men prefer long hair on women, so, the authors all say, you should grow your hair long to get a boyfriend, or else, you will die single and alone.

Well, over most of my life, I’ve worn my hair short or medium. Long hair is a pain in the ass to take care of. Takes too long to shampoo, comb, style, blow-dry, so a big no thanks.

This lady’s experience went to show that men she came across on dating sites preferred her with SHORT hair.

She started this experiment assuming that she’d get more interest with her hair long, but that was not the case.

(Link): I Wore a Wig to See If Men on Dating Sites Really Do Prefer Long Hair Over Short Hair by K. Dougher

Excerpts:

…when I recently found myself single and on Tinder for the first time, I couldn’t help but wonder (in my best Carrie Bradshaw voice): Do men on dating sites prefer short hair or long hair?

…By the end of my little experiment, I had to conclude that not only was my hypothesis completely incorrect, I was also apparently carrying around an incorrect assumption about the way men view women with short hair.

This forced me to take a moment to unpack my reasons for this.

Continue reading “I Wore a Wig to See If Men on Dating Sites Really Do Prefer Long Hair Over Short Hair by K. Dougher”

Maryland Pastor Pushes Equally Yoked Doctrine – Which Only Promotes Unwanted Protracted Singleness

Maryland Pastor Pushes Equally Yoked Doctrine – Which Only Promotes Unwanted Protracted Singleness

This is a nauseating page by a pastor in Maryland, named Sean Nolan, for the “Desiring God” web site. (You can see the link below.)

I will comment more about this guy’s essay BELOW it. So please scroll down for some of my commentary – most of which you can already guess if you’ve been to my blog before and have seen my previous posts about this “Equally Yoked” stuff.

(Link): Letter to a Friend Engaged to a Nonbeliever by Sean Nolan

Excerpts from the page:

Dear Kelly,

I was surprised by the recent news of your engagement. While I wish I could celebrate with you without reservation, I admit I have some. My greatest concern is that your fianceé does not know or love Christ. Because I love you and care about your future, I feel compelled to speak now rather than to hold my peace, knowing full well how you might receive my “peace.”

…As I have watched people walk down this road, I have noticed several common ways people justify marrying a nonbeliever. I want to address them…

Continue reading “Maryland Pastor Pushes Equally Yoked Doctrine – Which Only Promotes Unwanted Protracted Singleness”

Dating, Marriage, Male Entitlement, and ‘My 600 LB Life’ TV Show

Dating, Marriage, Male Entitlement, and ‘My 600 LB Life’ TV Show

This is going to be one of those posts that meanders all over the place.

I’m not really sure where to start.

I’ve been watching a cable TV show called “My 600 LB Life” for over a year now. Aspects of content I see on this show remind me of some of the subjects I blog about on here.

I’m not sure exactly why I watch this show, but I find it riveting, and sometimes horrifying. It’s a reality program. Each show features a real-life person who is 600 or more pounds over-weight.

I do not watch the show to make fun of or laugh at the obese people.

I watch, I suppose, because I am interested in their life stories and what drove them to cope with life’s problems by over-eating to the point they become morbidly obese.

I also tune in to learn medical information about what happens to a body once it gets up to 600 pounds.

I learned from this show that not only does the body get a lot of fat on it (obviously), and the heart has a harder time pumping, but obese people can and do develop all sorts of secondary issues, such as painful bumps, scales, and swelling on their legs (which are referred to as, or the result of, things such as (Link): Cellulitis and (Link): Lymphedema).

The majority of the time, I feel empathy for the obese people on this show.

I am wishing them all the best and hoping they lose the weight and recover and get over whatever childhood horror and pain led them to over-eat (most cases of this show consist of someone who turned to food as comfort after they were neglected, molested, or abused in childhood).

There have been a few cases on this show, such as Steve Assanti, Chuck, and James K., where I have little to no empathy at all, because the person is whiny, ungrateful, abusive, rude, or incredibly self-absorbed.

Continue reading “Dating, Marriage, Male Entitlement, and ‘My 600 LB Life’ TV Show”

Male Author Slams Woman Author’s Editorial Slamming Working Mothers as Being Insulting Against Women AND Men

Male Author Slams Woman Author’s Editorial Slamming Working Mothers as Being Insulting Against Women AND Men

(Link): ‘Not only are you calling women selfish, you’re calling men incapable’: Father slams columnist who said motherhood is ‘under threat’ because women are prioritising their careers

Controversial columnist Miranda Devine made headlines in early February after writing a piece about working mothers.

In her column, titled ‘Don’t let your career make you a bad mother,’ Ms Devine said ‘motherhood is under threat’ and that ‘young women are coerced into prioritising careers and becoming feminist warriors against the so-called pay gap.’

Since, the column has been slammed by a number of women and furious mothers, including radio host Em Rusciano, who have labelled the piece both ‘offensive and ignorant.’

And now, Australian father-of-two and daddy blogger, Brad Kearns, has lashed out at the piece in defence of both himself and his wife.

‘Hey Miranda Devine, as a dad, I’ve never felt pressure to justify my career decisions to complete strangers,’ he  (Link): began.

‘Nobody has ever asked me how having children was going to impact my study or work. To be honest, I barely even entertained the thought that it could hold me back professionally.

‘Do you want to know why? Because I’m a f*****g man and society just assumes it wouldn’t change anything.’

Continue reading “Male Author Slams Woman Author’s Editorial Slamming Working Mothers as Being Insulting Against Women AND Men”

Alpha Females Part 4 – From Psychiatrists and Counselors: How and Why Being a Beta Female is Harmful and Damaging to Women

Alpha Females Part 4 – From Psychiatrists and Counselors: How and Why Being a Beta Female is Harmful and Damaging to Women

This commentary will be divided up among a few posts. Here is part 4.

(This post may be edited in the future to re-word things, polish things, add new thoughts or links / For Twitter: #TheAlphaFemalesGuide )

From this series:

Visit Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Part 3B: Response to Venker: Re: Personal Experience

Introduction.

For those new to my blog:

I am a right winger. I was a Republican until recently. I am now a conservative Independent.

I was a conservative Christian for many years (I am no longer sure about what my religious views are), and I (Link): Am A Former Gender Complementarian (someone who believed in and lived out traditional gender roles (what Venker would describe as “feminine” or “beta”), views which are based in large measure on incorrect interpretations and applications about gender in the Bible).

I sometimes agree with secular left wing feminists on some topics, but not always. At times, I disagree with secular and religious left wing feminists and have written several blog posts critiquing some of their views.

This series of blog posts is addressing the dating and relationship advice of author Suzanne Venker, who wrote a book called “The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage” which she has lately been marketing online and on TV news shows.

Here is one article by Venker about her relationship views:

(Link, off site):  Society is creating a new crop of alpha women who are unable to love by S. Venker


As many books and articles on the subjects of boundaries, codependency, and even domestic violence explain, when or if a woman exhibits codependent behaviors or attitudes (such as being passive, having an unwillingness to say no to others, doesn’t put her own needs first), she will tend to attract abusive, selfish, or exploitative individuals.

Unfortunately, many of these same codependent traits are considered “feminine” by many conservatives and by Christians (under the teaching of gender complementarianism). Author Venker touts such traits under the heading of “Beta” or “being nice” or as “being feminine” or “being soft.”

While I myself do not agree with every last facet of secular (or even Christian) feminism, they are at least correct in fighting against expecting such behavior from girls and women, because they realize it leaves females open to being exploited, or treated unfairly at jobs or in relationships.

As this Christian-authored piece explains, feminism (not even secular feminism) is entirely bad, wrong, or off-base:

(Link): Perhaps Feminism is Not The Enemy

I also explained in (Link): Part 2 how many conservatives (and Venker herself) misunderstand, wrongly explain, or misunderstand feminism.

As I explained in (Link): Part 3 of this series, I was a “Beta” myself for many years (as was my mother), which is what Venker says women should be, if they hope to marry or have a happy, stress-free, marriage once they marry.

However, being “Beta” does not guarantee that a woman will attract more men, get more dates, or have a happy marriage – again, as I already explained in Part 3.

WHAT THE EXPERTS HAVE TO SAY ABOUT WOMEN BEING BETA

Psychiatrists and therapists have written books and articles explaining how and why taking advice such as Venker’s can lead to problems for women, including in the area of dating and marriage.

Below, I will excerpt content from the books The Disease to Please by psychiatrists Harriet B. Braiker, PhD, and counselor Beverly Engel from the book The Nice Girl Syndrome.

First, here are the relevant portions from Venker’s article on Fox News:

(Link):  Society is creating a new crop of alpha women who are unable to love by S. Venker – on the Fox News site

Today they abound. There are several reasons why, but it’s in large part due to women having been groomed to be leaders rather than to be wives. Simply put, women have become too much like men. They’re too competitive. Too masculine. Too alpha.

That may get them ahead at work. But when it comes to love, it will land them in a ditch.

Every relationship requires a masculine and a feminine energy to thrive. If women want to find peace with men, they must find their feminine…

In essence, being feminine means being nice. It means being soft instead of hard…

…What men want most of all is respect, companionship and sex. If you supply these basics, your husband will do anything for you…

—(end excerpt)—

There, Venker is telling women to deny who they truly are and downplay their personalities, desires, and so on (don’t come on “too strong”), because if they stay as-is, they will repel men, but if they change themselves to make a man happy, they can attract men, or the man they have won’t want to divorce them.

Let’s see what Dr. Braiker has to say about that type of reasoning (spoiler alert: Braiker totally disagrees with Venker).

From the book The Disease to Please:

Page 95:

…If you are the people-pleaser [people-pleaser = Venker’s Beta, Nice, or Feminine] in an unbalanced relationship… you will be forced to deny or suppress your own needs. Inevitably, even the nicest people will become frustrated and angry when their emotional and sexual needs are denied indefinitely.

Healthy relationships that endure are balanced and interdependent. Balanced interdependence means that both partners are aware of and sensitive and responsive to the needs of the other.

—(end excerpt)—

From pages 93-94:

Many people-pleasers [people-pleaser = Beta, Codependent, Nice, or Feminine women] who have used this approach [making a man dependent upon them by doing nice things for him all the time, stifling your own needs, etc., and  using other approaches Venker recommends] sadly discover that manipulating a man into an excessively dependent position – no matter how nice and well-intended your motives – may actually push him into doing the thing you most fear: abandoning you.

—(end excerpt)—

From pages 94 to 95, Braiker gives a case study of a patient of hers named Jennifer who utilized Venker-type methods to hold on to her husband [she always was available to him sexually, she sacrificed her needs to meet his at all times, and sought to “spoil” him].

The result? Jennifer’s husband Ron began having an affair on her with another woman, and later, Jennifer came home one day to find a note of good-bye from her husband, Ron, where he said he was divorcing her for the other woman.

A little later in this same chapter, starting on page 95, Braiker discusses how many career women are what Venker would refer to as ‘Alpha’ in the workplace (confident, competent, assertive, and so forth) but think that to attract or retain a man in their romantic life, that they must behave in what Venker would refer to as a “Beta.”

Braiker explains in this book that this is not so – that acting “Beta” (or “nice” or “feminine” – all which amounts to the same thing, regardless of the terminology used: being a codependent with bad boundaries in practice), causes such women to attract abusive or selfish men. Braiker then spends the rest of the chapter cautioning women from being passive in their romantic life to avoid users, abusers, and narcissists.

Here are a few excerpts, by Braiker (pages 95, 96):

… I have treated many highly successful career women who have entrapped themselves in bad relationships with men by their self-imposed people-pleasing [people-pleasing = being Beta, Nice, Feminine, Codependent] subservience.

A large number of these women who are now at the pinnacle of their professions grew up in the 1950s and 1960s, in an era when femininity and sexual attractiveness still carried with them certain gender stereotypes such as submissiveness, dependency, passivity, and sensitivity.

Today, many of these women, and even a significant number of younger women too, fear that the very traits that account for their success in the workplace – assertiveness, mental toughness, aggressiveness, competitive-ness – become liabilities in their romantic relationships with men.

[Here Braiker inserts the case study of one woman patient who is a CEO]

Many women like my [C.E.O.] patient, harbor misgivings about whether their achievements might boomerang when it comes to relationships with men and come back to haunt them.

…. As a consequence of this dangerous combination [fear of success combined with people-pleasing], they may engage in a range of self-defeating behaviors that can sabotage either their careers or their personal relationships, and often both.

… Some people-pleasing women attempt to resolve the dilemma by splitting their personality traits into two discrete “sides.” They may display their competitive, assertive, and aggressive side at work.

In their personal relationships with men, they may adopt an exaggerated “femininity,” displaying passivity, submissiveness, and compliance. This masquerade, of course, is no solution at all. Rather, it is a recipe for inner conflict, anxiety, identity confusion, and lowered self-esteem.

—(end excerpt)—

Braiker then next, on pages 96-97, offers up the case study of one of her women patients, Helene, who was a successful business woman who was living out what Venker suggests in her book for women to do: be assertive at the job, but be the passive, sweet, sex kitten at home with her mate.

The result of this for Helene? Lots of abuse.

…behind closed doors when they are alone, Bob [Helene’s boyfriend] treats Helene abusively. [Helene has a far more successful career than Bob does, which Bob is aware of.]

Helene defends Bob’s behavior by “understanding” how difficult it is for a man to stand in her shadow.

…Helene realized [via therapy] that she needed to correct some of her own gender stereotypes. Helene believed that by demonstrating her people-pleasing [Beta, nice, feminine] behavior in her personal relationships with men, she was being more feminine and, therefore, more sexually attractive.

[At her place of employment, where she was CEO, Helene tolerated no sexual harassment for herself or for any woman]. However, because of her Disease to Please [being codependent, Beta, nice, and feminine], Helene was actually rewarding a man for treating her abusively behind close doors.

—(end excerpt)—

From page 97:

It is imperative that you recognize how dangerous and self-sabotaging your people-pleasing tendencies with men can become so that you can change the unhealthy dynamic of your relationships. Otherwise, the Disease to Please [being codependent, Beta, nice, and feminine] will serve as a veritable mating call to men who have a perverse need and desire to control nearly every aspect of your behavior. Worse yet, you will allow them to do so.

—(end excerpt)—

Page 98:

Unless you repair the damage by curing the Disease to Please [being codependent, Beta, nice, and feminine]  that produced it, you will limp away from the relationship with the brand of “damaged goods” on your ego. [Then the cycle will repeat itself as you attract yet another abusive, selfish, or jerk boyfriend who mistreats you all over again.]

—(end excerpt)—

As you can see from those excerpts (and there are plenty more in the book), Dr. Braiker strongly warns and advises women against the very traits and attitudes that Venker is telling women in articles, books, and TV appearances that she thinks they should have!

While there are plenty of selfish or abusive men who would enjoy being able to thoroughly control a woman, and a woman who, per Venker’s teaching, willingly goes along with it, a lot of men soon tire of this extreme “feminine” type of woman and dump her.

In her book, starting on page 100, Dr. Braiker discusses a male patient she had once who admitted that he loved to date the sort of women Venker advises women to be, because they were so easy to control. But, the guy soon got tired of dating these passive, wimpy, Beta women.

Here’s what he said:

“…One day, I realized I’m sitting in the boat [of life] all alone. I don’t want the kind of woman who will do anything to please me anymore. It’s boring and lonely. I want a partner who can sit on the boat next to me and keep me company. I want us to please each other without losing all boundaries or identity.”

Another male patient said (page 101):

“I do like to be in control, but I really want someone who will push back. I like steak because it gives me something to chew on. I don’t want to eat pre-chewed baby food. That’s how I wind up feeling about a woman who will give up her own substance just because she’s trying to please me. There’s nothing to chew on; there’s no challenge there at all. I just get bored.”

As Dr. Braiker so succinctly puts it (from page 106):

-There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make a man you love happy or wanting to please him. Just be sure that you’re not pleasing him by hurting yourself in the process.

-Any man who is threatened or feels diminished by your intelligence, achievements, success, or talent is NOT someone with whom you are likely to have a gratifying relationship with anyway. Look elsewhere.

—(end excerpt)—

Earlier in the book starting around page 49, Dr. Braiker discusses a single woman patient she had named Miranda who wants badly to get married. Miranda cannot figure out why she can’t seem to hold on to a man.

Miranda wrongly assumes the way to “catch” a man is to take the sort of advice Venker gives in her relationship book – she tries to be very pleasing and agreeable with every man she dates, she molds herself into whatever type of woman she assumes her current boyfriend of the month likes, and so on.

The result is that all these men eventually become bored with Miranda – and break up with her.

As Braiker describes it in the book (page 50), Miranda puts on the “beta” routine that Venker advises:

So, as soon as Miranda finds herself attracted and interested in a man, she puts herself in a subservient, submissive, position. She lavishes men with attention, adoration, and praise. Miranda believes that to be worthy of a man’s love, she must prove she will always put his needs first.

…The truth is that she [Miranda] cannot offer the one thing a healthy man wants and needs the most: the ability to truly share herself because she knows and values who she is.

—(end excerpt)—

Notice that Miranda’s assumptions on how to attract a man are similar to the tactics Venker puts forward in her Fox news article. And, as Braiker goes on to explain, Miranda was her patient because her “beta” femininity was driving men away, and she could not figure out that it was her very beta-femininity-ness that was at fault.

EXCHANGING AGENCY AND INDEPENDENCE FOR BEING OVER-RELIANT ON A MAN

Continuing with my critique of Venker’s views; more from her article at Fox news:

(Link):  Society is creating a new crop of alpha women who are unable to love by S. Venker – on the Fox News site:

And because I had zero interest in my husband adopting a more feminine role, I set about to become the feminine creature our culture insists women not be.

And here’s what I learned: It’s liberating to be a beta!

I’m an alpha all day long, and it gets tiresome. I concede that I thrive on it; but at the end of the day, I’m spent. Self-reliance is exhausting. Making all the decisions is exhausting. Driving the car, literally or figuratively, is exhausting.

—(end excerpt)—

So, Venker is apparently fine ceding normal adult and personal responsibility to her husband because it makes her life easier. What she’s also sacrificing is her independence, dignity, and agency by doing so.

I take it that Venker is a right winger or conservative: right wingers and conservatives support personal responsibility; they don’t recommend that adults neglect it.

As I explain in an older post, I am a FORMER gender complementarian. Sometimes people on other sites have asked me, “Why do you suppose so many Christian women willingly endure the sexism known as complementarianism?”

One of several reasons so many Christian women remain “stuck” in complementarianism and go along with it is precisely to ride the coat-tails of a husband, because it’s easier going through life with someone taking care of you than it is for you to take care of yourself, by getting a job, taking care of your own car, and so forth.

Christian women are willing to trade off their autonomy, dreams, goals in life, and independence in exchange for male-provided financial stability and having a husband who is like a “father figure” who they can rely on.

In the book of Genesis of the Bible, God, by the way, actually predicted this would happen as a result of sin, when He told Adam and Eve that the woman would desire her husband and turn to the husband – rather than to God.

Ever since, yes, many women have indeed traded off God-reliance (or self-reliance) to depend on a husband for emotional and financial stability. And women like Venker (along with hordes of Christian gender complementarians) are prodding women to keep this up. It’s so sick, and rather tragic.

Women depending on men to this degree – and giving up their identity, needs, and self-hood in the process – is a RESULT of the Fall, a RESULT of sin entering humanity – but Venker and complementarians and other conservatives think this is awesome, healthy, or great for marriages and dating. Sick, sick, sick.

Secular feminism seeks to correct this type of sin that impacts women so strongly (and so this is one aspect of feminism that is good!), ironically.

Secular feminists are trying to free women from this very sin God predicted back in Genesis (and secular feminists – and a smaller number of Christian gender egalitarians – see how damaging it is), but many Christians and conservatives keep trying to cram women back into this same “sin box” and tell them it is “good” for them and for their relationships.

So, Venker finds being responsible and making decisions all day tiring. Well, yes, most people do. But the solution is not to hand over all or most of your personal responsibility to another adult.

Counselor Beverly Engels warns women against this very temptation in her book (Link): The Nice Girl Syndrome.

Engel discusses in the book (pages 212 – 214) that during her early 30s, on a month long trip to Europe, she met a European guy named Jacob. By the time she met this guy, she had been in Europe for a few weeks, was exhausted.

She ends up going to his place, they had sex a time or two, though the second time she didn’t really want to. The guy wasn’t exactly overtly abusive, but she felt she “owed” him sex to be nice to him, since he was now taking care of her. He was making her breakfasts, letting her stay at his home, etc.

For a period of time, due to exhaustion, Engel says she let this Jacob man control her, she was tired of making decisions for herself, she was tired of all the responsibility on this trip, so she was willing to turn the steering wheel over to Jacob – as Venker is asking women to do in their own relationships.

Engel says that is a bad move, and she has regret over her interactions with Jacob to this day. Even though she kept turning the guy down sexually, so long as she stayed at his home, he kept repeatedly bugging her for sex and for more sex. He was super persistent.

Venker’s advice to women boils down to that they infantilize themselves to be more attractive to men. This is bad and dangerous advice.

From page 131 by Engel:

You can’t expect anyone else to take responsibility for your welfare. You are the only one who can take care of you.

The price you pay for looking to someone else to take care of you is dependency, the loss of self, and, ultimately, the inability to control your life.

YOU DON’T WANT TO DATE OR MARRY THE SORT OF MEN VENKER’S ADVICE WILL ATTRACT

From page 45 of Engel’s book:

It used to be that the payoff for being sweet and nice was that one was taken care of and protected by the men and authority figures in one’s life.

Girls and women were perceived as weaker and in need of protection from the “big, bad world,” and boys and men took on the responsibility of making sure that nothing bad happened to them. But those days are gone, along with chivalry and manners.

Most boys and men today do not feel responsible for protecting girls; in fact, many view girls and women as objects to be exploited.

…This doesn’t mean that there aren’t men who like taking on the role of provider and protector. But these men are not necessarily throwbacks to an earlier time – unfortunately, they often take on this role as a way of dominating women. In fact, these men often look for women who are passive, who appear naive and innocent, because such women are easier to control.

–(end excerpt)–

Yes, as you can see, Venker’s advice, if followed, will open you up to appearing very attractive to abusive, selfish, cruel, or self-absorbed men who only want to use you, not care for you or about your needs.

The sorts of men you will attract if you follow Venker’s advice are not the sorts of men you want to date or marry. You want to avoid these guys, not marry them.

I also find this, from Engel’s book, highly pertinent (from page 126), where Engle is discussing a patient she had named Nina:

Nina was painting a picture of a storybook family life – the dutiful wife, the hardworking husband, the kids who were seen but not heard. Or was it? Nina was a young woman who was raised in the 1980s – not the fifties. Something just wasn’t adding up.

After several more sessions and some gentle prodding on my part, Nina finally opened up more about how it really was in her family. As it turned out, it wasn’t so perfect after all.

Yes, her mother was a dutiful wife, but her father was quite demanding. He expected his wife to wait on him hand and foot when he was home, and he was extremely hard to please.

There were many nights when he refused to eat what she [his wife, who was Nina’s mother] had cooked and insisted that she cook something else entirely. He complained if the house wasn’t immaculate and the kids weren’t bathed and dressed up when he got home.

As we continued to explore Nina’s childhood, Nina admitted that it really wasn’t by choice that her mother didn’t have any friends or didn’t go out much. It was at her father’s insistence that Nina’s mother not associate with anyone outside the family.

–(end excerpt)–

If you go by Venker’s marital advice, you may find yourself with a similar dynamic in your marriage that Nina’s mother was in. How many of you married women out there want that sort of loveless, emotionally abusive marriage?

Exchanging your decision-making abilities or duties for a life of ease and simplicity, all so more stress and responsibility falls on your husband, is a lazy, stupid, immature, potentially dangerous thing to do, and it’s actually unfair to your husband. I am dumb-founded that a conservative author any where would recommend that other women do this, or that she does this herself.

I hope this post of mine, with excerpts from books by a psychiatrist and a counselor, both of whom have treated many patients over the years (and hence have way more insight and experience in relationship dynamics than Venker does) clarifies just how terrible, sexist, and harmful relationship advice such as Venker’s is.

If you didn’t want to take my word for it, as (Link): based upon my experience and my mother’s, with how awful it was to utilize Venker-like advice in our own relationships, I hope the insights by professionals (one with a PhD) lends more credence.


I intend on writing a Part 5, if or when I get the time and/or inclination. And then, I think I may finally be done with this series. – Thankfully. This was not something I enjoyed writing all too much.


Related Posts:

(Link):  Alpha Females Part 1 – Nothing New Under the Sun. Conservative Women Keep Issuing Same Sexist, Unhelpful Dating And Marital Advice to Women

(Link):  Alpha Females Part 2 – Defining the Terms – How Anti-Feminists and Complementarians Misrepresent Concepts or Terms

(Link): A Response to Venker: Re: Personal Experience

(Link): Author Claims Andrea Tantaros’ Book About How Feminism ‘Made Women Miserable’ Was Ghostwritten by a Man