A Church in Crisis: Pornography and Patriarchy by R. Kotz

A Church in Crisis: Pornography and Patriarchy by R. Kotz

(Link): A Church in Crisis: Pornography and Patriarchy by R. Kotz

Excerpts:

by R. Kotz, August 9, 2016

Our character as human beings is determined by what we do when no one is watching. When no one is watching, many in the church are watching porn.

Pornography has been declared a “public health crisis” by political officials.

At least a third of US men self-identify as being addicted to it.¹ In April, (Link): Time magazine featured a front-page article exposing the harmful impact of porn on society.

Despite this, two-thirds of practicing Christians feel no guilt about their porn use.² What does this extreme level of consumption (and lack of guilt about it) say about the condition of the church as a whole?

Lundy Bancroft on Narcissists vs Abusers for The Audacious Life podcast

Lundy Bancroft on Narcissists vs Abusers for The Audacious Life podcast

The first half to two thirds of this video of what the speakers describe, how they describe the typical views of abusive men, is reminiscent of some Christian Gender Complementarians and their views, and what some complementarian adherents believe.

Especially if you are a Christian single woman who’s wanting to marry AND in particular you were raised by Christian parents or in a church that taught traditional gender roles (perhaps under the phrase or label of “gender complementarianism“) please pay special attention to the video below.

Under “gender complementarian” teachings (and just mainstream, evangelical or Baptist and Christian dating advice), Christian women have been taught to accept all sorts of toxic teachings and to accept on-going mistreatment from a spouse (and from other people in their lives).

Chances are good that if you’re a single Christian woman who was brought up to believe in gender complementarian teachings that you were heavily encouraged to adopt people pleasing or codependent behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes, which will make you attractive to abusers and people with personality disorders (many of whom can be abusive).

Additionally, if you do marry an abusive person (whether he is emotionally, sexually, verbally, or physically abusive) the majority of Christian churches and denominations teach women that divorce is not an option, not even in cases of abuse.

You (if you’re an abused wife asking a Christian for advice or help in regards to your marriage) will usually be told just to “submit more,” give your spouse more sex, and to pray about it – but none of those methods will change your spouse or cause him to stop abusing you.

There is nothing you can say or do that will get your husband to stop abusing you – (Link): nor is it your responsibility to try to fix or change your spouse in the first place.

You have to go into a marriage to a self professing Christian man knowing before-hand  that if your spouse turns abusive, that you must eventually divorce the guy, and you most likely won’t get any help or encouragement in that area from your church, church group, church friends, or pastor.

Most churches and pastors will shame, pressure, and guilt trip an abused wife to stay in the abusive marriage at all costs, because they value the institution of marriage above the safety and mental health of the abused wife.

If you’re a Christian woman in an abusive marriage, your church, church friends, and your preacher will never, ever give you permission to divorce – but you don’t need their permission or approval – you just need your own. It’s your life, not theirs.

(Link – to video on You Tube): Lundy Bancroft on Narcissists vs Abusers for The Audacious Life podcast

Excerpts, video description (from text below the video on the You Tube page):

I’m happy to interview Lundy Bancroft, author, and expert on male abuse behaviors and tactics.

Lundy has 30 years experience working in the field of abuse. His book “Why Does He Do That” is a one of the first I read and it helped tremendously.

Lundy is a lifelong advocate for the safety of women and children and it shines through in his books. You may be wondering whether you’re in a relationship with a Narcissist or an Abuser or someone who’s both.

Life Lessons After Recovering from Codependency – I Can’t Save You, and I No Longer Want To

Life Lessons After Recovering from Codependency – I Can’t Save You, and I No Longer Want To

This will be a repetitive, somewhat rambling (and very long) post, because this involves a huge pet peeve of mine.

I very much resent any one lecturing me or accusing me of not being compassionate enough, or not giving enough “emotional support” in some situation or another, when they refuse to factor in what I’ve been through in my life and why I now do what I do.

I refer to this highly pertinent fact:

I spent over 3 decades of my life being very codependent. I was pathologically un-selfish, giving, and supportive of and to others to my own detriment.

It’s absolutely perverse and demonic to accuse a recovering codependent (such as myself), who has finally begun developing healthy boundaries, of being selfish or not being “giving” enough in relationships.

You’re accusing a former codependent of the very opposite things she spent decades doing, behaviors which caused her setbacks and harm in life.

I have since learned what a huge mistake that is (to live codependently), how toxic it is, and how much harm it caused me over my life.

I am now more picky and choosy about when, to whom, for how long, and under what conditions, I will grant other people non-judgmental emotional support or other types of help.

And it took me into middle age to figure out – just upon thinking things over, noticing patterns in my relationships, and from reading some books by psychologists  – that a big reason I kept attracting so many damaged, depressed, hurting, self absorbed, strange, or angry people is precisely because I was so giving, loving, and I didn’t put limits on anyone in any fashion.

For years, I was a very shy, people pleasing, undemanding, compliant, kind hearted, sensitive, caring person, and by my late 20s to early 30s and older, I kept wondering why when I did finally make a friend or two, that I seldom attracted normal, mentally healthy, fun, well-adjusted individuals who would meet my needs in return.

Attracting Disturbed, Angry, or Miserable People for Over 35 Years

Instead, I kept attracting selfish people, abusers, bullies, constant complainers, pessimists, self absorbed people, people with personality disorders, or people who were depressed, and while I was giving all these people a lot of my time, attention,  affection, emotional support (or sometimes money), they never thanked me for this, and the vast majority never met my needs in return.

It took me years to figure out why I kept attracting so many mal-adjusted or emotionally injured people into my life.

Staffers Quit Venue Church After Confronting Pastor With Allegations of Affair, Misconduct by L. Blair

Staffers Quit Venue Church After Confronting Pastor With Allegations of Affair, Misconduct

(Link): Staffers Quit Venue Church After Confronting Pastor With Allegations of Affair, Misconduct

Dec 23, 2021
by Leonardo Blair

At least eight employees of Venue Church, a fast-growing congregation based in Chattanooga, Tennessee, have reportedly quit their jobs over alleged misconduct by Pastor Tavner Smith, who is allegedly shown kissing a woman who is not his wife in a video that recently surfaced online.

Last Friday afternoon, staff and volunteers confronted Smith about the video recorded in North Georgia, The Chattanooga Times Free Press reported.

Two former employees and four volunteers or members previously connected to the church told the newspaper that the eight employees quit after confronting the pastor about a rumored affair with a church employee.

Avoid Getting Entangled with Covert Narcissists – You Can Waste Your Time, Effort, Money or Giving that Exhausting Emotional Support and It Won’t Make A Difference to the Recipient

Avoid Getting Entangled with Covert Narcissists – You Can Waste Your Time, Effort, Money or Giving that Exhausting Emotional Support and It Won’t Make A Difference to the Recipient

Time permitting, as I go forward, I’d like to do a series of posts warning anyone out there, especially if they are still a “rescuer,” an empath, or codependent, and/or a woman raised in churches teaching traditional gender roles under “gender complementarianism,” of not over-doing things for other people.

I did start a page about this issue which is under construction – I think I’d like to update that page later, or rework it. I haven’t decided. (The page is (Link): Offering Unconditional, Indefinite Emotional Support to Anyone and Everyone, or to the Same Person for Years, in Whatever Situations – It’s a Trap!)

Regardless of the messages you got from your family of origin, or the messages you get from secular culture, or messages you got from your gender complementarian church or preachers as you were growing up:

You have to be very careful and choosy about whom you give your emotional support, time, and attention to, and even among those whom you think are in legitimate need, you have to limit how much you do for the person, and for how long or how often.

There are people out there who have deep emotional or psychological issues, some have incurable personality disorders (such as NPD and watered down narcissistic traits) whom you will NOT be able to save, rescue, or fix…
No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you pray for the person, and no matter how long you spend doing things for them or trying to cheer them up or make their life better.

Never make your choices on whether to help another person, including whether or not to give them emotional support, strictly out of pity or compassion, or you can and will be taken advantage of as you go through life, or end up wasting your time and being left drained.

You will end up exhausted and/or with a depleted bank account, if any part of your rescuing includes financing any part of this person’s needs or dreams in life. Beware.

The following is from the page….

(Link): Covert narcissist: 5 things they do and how to handle them by L. Brown

Are You a Target for Covert Narcissists?
Covert narcissists tend to target a certain personality type. These are people who possess characteristics that make them most susceptible to covert narcissist behavior, people that covert narcissists can manipulate, exploit, and control over an extended period of time.

These characteristics include:

• • • Nurturer, home-maker (they pity the vulnerable side of the narcissist)
    • Caretaker
    • Extremely sensitive
    • Quiet
    • Doesn’t have a big social network (they must rely on the narcissist)
    • Self-doubting
    • Overly kind
    • Self-reflective (they have a desire to become better which the narcissist can exploit)
    • Self-sacrificing (even if they do recognize the exploitation, they stay to help)
      —– end excerpts from article by Brown —–

I am a recovered codependent who was brought up under gender complementarianism, so yes, while I was in that state (from childhood into my mid-40s or so), I kept attracting damaged people, emotionally needy people, depressed people, social misfits, shy people, selfish people, people with personality disorders – all of these people wanted my time, attention, non-judgmental emotional support, validation, affection, and in some cases, money.

After having spent years and years ignoring my own needs to meet the needs of all these people over the course of my life,  I ended up exhausted and feeling taken advantage of.

The vast majority of those whom I helped seldom met my needs in return, and not one that I can recall, ever thanked me for listening to them, supporting them, or helping them in whatever way.

After my mother died, knowing how draining it can be to give emotional support (since I had done it for others for three plus decades!), on those few occasions a small number of people listened to me discuss my problems, I made sure to thank those few individuals. I expressed gratitude.

I never had all the previous needy people in my life thank me even once, not in all my 35+ years of listening to them discuss, cry, or rant about their problems.

Most emotionally needy, narcissistic, depressed, or pessimistic people are oblivious at how tiring it is to listen to them weep or complain for hours and/or over months, especially if they complain about the same problem or two repeatedly and they do nothing to solve the problem(s) they complain about.

During the years I bought into complementarianism and remained codependent, I felt I was obligated to help anyone and everyone who came to me presenting as an injured, hurting, sad, needy person.  I felt guilty if I didn’t help these people.

And I felt guilty about putting boundaries or time limits in place (and I was taught NOT to do so by secular, social conditioning, my family, and complementarian Christians), so I didn’t enforce boundaries with these very needy people.

What I just said goes against all the messages women get from secular culture, their church, or their families, which leads them to think it’s their duty (a woman’s responsibility or God’s design, for women) to be nurturing, to grant chance after chance (limitless forgiveness, don’t have boundaries), to “fix” relationships, to grant un-ending emotional labor to other people, to put other people’s needs first at all times, no matter what the circumstances are.

One group of people you have to be on guard against are Covert Narcissists.

Inconsistent, Disappointing, and Cavalier Attitude Towards Sexism by Some Conservatives – Re: Woman Says A Man Groped Her Avatar in a Simulation

Inconsistent, Disappointing, and Cavalier Attitude Towards Sexism by Some Conservatives – Re: Woman Says A Man Groped Her Avatar in a Simulation

Most conservatives don’t support biological men being allowed into women’s only spaces, even if those men “identify as women.”  Most conservatives recognize how that is bad news for biological girls and biological women. (As a conservative myself, I agree!)

I often see male conservatives infuriated, alarmed, or incredulous over things like Democrats wanting to pass legislation to get women drafted into the military, or with biological men who identify as women (transwomen) getting spaces on women’s teams.

But so many conservative men, and a smattering of conservative women, often act dismissive of other forms of sexism.

Earlier today, I was on Twitter, I saw (Link): this Tweet by (Link): Seth Dillon, who I believe is a conservative (and possibly a Christian?).

Dillon was “quote Tweeting” a headline by the New York Post which reads, “Woman Claims She Was Virtually ‘Groped’ in Meta VR Platform.” Here is the link to the article itself on the Post.

Here is how part of that article, by Hannah Sparks, reads:

A beta tester has claimed she was virtually “groped” in the metaverse VR platform Horizon Worlds from Meta, the company formerly known as Facebook.

Meta revealed the incident on Dec. 1, saying it occurred on Nov. 26. The woman had reported the assault on the Horizon Worlds beta testing Facebook group.

“Sexual harassment is no joke on the regular internet, but being in VR adds another layer that makes the event more intense,” she wrote, according to the Verge. “Not only was I groped last night, but there were other people there who supported this behavior, which made me feel isolated in the Plaza,” the virtual environment’s central gathering space.

“Severe” encounters of online harassment — including physical threats, stalking and “repeated” harassment — are on the rise, according to a 2020 Pew Research poll, with the percentage of users reporting such incidents jumping from 15% in 2014 to 25% today. While much of it takes place on social media, VR is still nascent and already an apparent venue for harassment.

…Sexual harassment in virtual reality is sexual harassment in real life, full stop, experts have said.

“At the end of the day, the nature of virtual-reality spaces is such that it is designed to trick the user into thinking they are physically in a certain space, that their every bodily action is occurring in a 3-D environment,” Katherine Cross, a Ph.D. student researcher of online harassment at the University of Washington, told Technology Review.

“It’s part of the reason why emotional reactions can be stronger in that space, and why VR triggers the same internal nervous-system and psychological responses,” she added.
— end excerpt —

I am a conservative, not a woke-ster far leftist.

I don’t know how it is that so many conservatives are fine opposing sexism in some forms – such as biological men who claim to be women wanting entrance to women’s only bathrooms and so forth – but then turn around and mock a woman who discusses being sexually harassed in a virtual arena.

Pop Singer Billie Eilish Calls Porn A ‘Disgrace’ To Women, Says It ‘Destroyed’ Her Brain

Pop Singer Billie Eilish Calls Porn A ‘Disgrace’ To Women, Says It ‘Destroyed’ Her Brain

(Link):  Billie Eilish says watching porn from age 11 ‘really destroyed my brain’

Excerpts:

Grammy-winning singer Billie Eilish has spoken about an addiction to watching pornography, starting at age 11, and how it gave her nightmares and messed her up when she started dating.

Eilish, who turns 20 on Saturday, was speaking on “The Howard Stern Show” on Sirius XM radio on Monday.

“I think porn is a disgrace. I used to watch a lot of porn, to be honest. I started watching porn when I was, like, 11,” the “Bad Guy” singer said, saying it helped her feel as if she were cool and “one of the guys.”

“I think it really destroyed my brain and I feel incredibly devastated that I was exposed to so much porn,” she added, saying she suffered nightmares because some of the content she watched was so violent and abusive.

Eilish, who was homeschooled in Los Angeles and has seven Grammy Awards, is known for her often dark lyrics.

(Link):  Billie Eilish Talked About How The First Few Times She Had Sex Were Negatively Impacted From Watching Porn At A Young Age

(Link): Billie Eilish Calls Porn A ‘Disgrace’ To Women, Says It ‘Destroyed’ Her Brain

Dec 14, 2021
By Madeline Osburn

The 19-year-old Grammy award-winning singer Billie Eilish said pornography warped her views of sex and relationships after she began watching it when she was just 11 years old. “It destroyed my brain,” she said on “The Howard Stern Show” on Monday.

Sexist Double Standards from Christian Dave Ramsey and Ramsey Solutions

Sexist Double Standards from Christian Dave Ramsey and Ramsey Solutions

(Link):  What ‘Living Righteously’ Means at Dave Ramsey’s Company

Excerpts:

Former employees describe a gossipy culture of paranoia and suspicion where women are subject to special scrutiny and rebuke

Dec 2021
by Steven Hale

…The Hogan controversy and the O’Connor suit have raised questions and brought forth new allegations about how the culture at Ramsey Solutions affects women.

O’Connor’s lawyers have argued that the company’s policy about sex outside of marriage is effectively harsher on women for the obvious reason that they will be exposed if they become pregnant.

Former Ramsey employees who spoke to the Scene — two women and a man who spoke under the condition of anonymity for fear of attracting the ire of a man whose orbit they’ve tried to leave — describe a gossipy culture of paranoia and suspicion in which everything from women’s clothing to which co-workers they spend time with is subject to scrutiny and rebuke.

‘Happily Married’ Music Minister Fatally Shoots Wife, Adult Son and Daughter – Masculinity, Male Headship, Marriage and Parenthood Does Not Save a Society

‘Happily Married’ Music Minister Fatally Shoots Wife, Adult Son and Daughter – Masculinity, Male Headship, Marriage and Parenthood Does Not Save a Society

A lot of pro-marriage, pro-natalism, pro-Nuclear Family groups or persons – especially social conservatives and Christians – like to argue or put forth the notion that marriage and parenthood are necessary to make a person more loving, ethical, mature, or that marriage and parenthood can fix or improve a society, though the Bible certainly does not state as such any where, and common sense and observation of the news indicates those are false beliefs.

Some of those conservative groups (and for years, Hollywood suggested this in movies, too) like to pontificate that being married can make a person happy, whole, and complete (if you’re a Christian, shouldn’t you really be teaching that all that is necessary to complete a person is a relationship with God via Jesus his son?).

(By the way, I am a conservative myself, and I am not opposed to marriage, parenthood, and the nuclear family. However, I  am opposed at how some segments of culture, including other conservatives, elevate marriage, parenthood, and the nuclear family to an undeserved, unrealistic degree.)

In spite of all the pro-family, pro-marriage propaganda by Christians and other conservatives, every so often, we all see these news stories about a married person (who may also be a parent) who is arrested for having abused or murdered his spouse and children (or someone else’s children).

Here’s another example below.

Being married and a parent did NOT make this man happy or more godly, loving, or ethical than being single and childless or childfree.

Let this also go to demonstrate that Christian Gender Complementarianism, which encompasses a view, among other things, that manly-men, or masculinity, can “save” a culture, or that “male headship” is a good and godly thing, is a bunch of bunk.

The guy’s bio blurb on the church’s page (which is now only available via “The Wayback Machine,” I believe), says that he is “happily married.” How happy did marriage make this man, if he murdered his wife and two of his three adult children?

What is intrinsic to masculinity, male headship, patriarchy, parenthood, and marriage, made this guy cherish and protect his wife and kids – nothing, apparently, because he murdered them.

(Link): Florida church musical director killed wife, two kids at family’s home: sheriff

Dec 2, 2021
By Joshua Rhett Miller

A Florida man gunned down his wife of 30 years and two adult children at their home — shooting each victim multiple times so “they didn’t suffer,” authorities said.

William Conway Broyles, who serves as musical director at a Jacksonville church, shot his 57-year-old wife, Candace, in the living room of their Callahan home early Wednesday, WJXT reported.

Rebuttal to, Or Observations About, the Kerwin Holmes Jr. Editorial “On Finding ‘The One:’ Another Correction on Christian Teaching Concerning Romance”

Rebuttal to, Or Observations About, the Kerwin Holmes Jr. Editorial “On Finding ‘The One:’ Another Correction on Christian Teaching Concerning Romance”

The following post has been edited after publication to fix typing mistakes or to add more commentary.

---

I will be commenting on this editorial about singleness and marriage on The Christian Post:

(Link): On finding ‘the one:’ Another correction on Christian teaching concerning romance by Kerwin Holmes Jr

That post as linked to on The Christian Post’s Facebook page:

(Link): On Finding The One – post on Facebook Page

This guy’s editorial is written in an odd way, so I’m having to go back and re-read it to just to try and comprehend some of the points he’s making.

Maybe I am totally wrong about this, but my impression is that Holmes is either in his 20s at this time, or in his 30s.
(Wait until he’s in his 40s or older and STILL single.  If Holmes still has not married by age 40 or older, his views on these matters will likely shift in time, thanks to good old life experience.)

Also distracting: his first name, Kerwin, reminds me of Kermit the Frog, so I unintentionally keep visualizing Kermit sitting at a keyboard typing this editorial I am reading. (That is not intended to be an ad hominem, just a random aside.)

At the beginning of Holmes’ editorial, he tells readers to view or read dating advice articles or videos by Christian pastors or personalities that he agrees with, such as the works by Reformed pastors or personalities in general and Voddie Baucham in particular .

Let me stop him right there.

I spent years following Christian dating advice (stuff I read or heard in the 1980s and 1990s, advice by and from standard, run- of- the- mill conservative Baptist or evangelical Christians), and none of that smelly, stupid advice ever actually helped me to marry, though I had wanted to be married for many years (I am currently in my 50s and still single). 

As a matter of fact, a lot of Christian dating advice, even the advice by conservative Christians, is counter-productive and actually plays a role in keeping single adults single (this includes, and is not limited to, the “be equally yoked” rule).

Pastor Tells Men: “The Best Person to Rape is Your Wife” by Sarah Einselen

Pastor Tells Men: “The Best Person to Rape is Your Wife” by Sarah Einselen

(Update Below)

Another indication of why single, Christian women especially should never, ever take any type of dating advice by Christians…
Because if Christian pastors are teaching it’s acceptable for married men to rape their wives, you can feel sure in assuming such men and their churches or denominations won’t have YOUR best interests at heart if you are a single woman. 

You – if you are a woman, whether you are married or single – need to look out for you and not expect to get loving, wise counsel from such sexist douche waffles, like this male pastor, who always prioritize the feelings and needs of men above that of women.

Contrary to what this guy is teaching, yes ladies, you are your own; you have a right to have boundaries. Here we go again with patriarchal, complementarian Christian men assuming that Codependent relationship habits for women are “biblical,” though the God of the Bible frowns on Codependent behavior in EITHER biological sex (men or women).

Also, the “equally yoked” rule is bunk. If you’re a single, Christian woman, don’t limit yourself to only dating Christian men – because some of these self-professing Christian men are dirt bags who have no regard for women; you’d be better off dating and marrying an ethical, loving NON-Christian man than a dirt-bag Christian one who thinks it’s acceptable for a husband to rape his own wife.

(Link): Pastor Tells Men: “The Best Person to Rape is Your Wife” by Sarah Einselen

Nov 22, 2021

A New York pastor recently told men in a video clip posted on YouTube that “the best person to rape is your wife.”

The pastor, Dr. Burnett L. Robinson, is senior pastor of (Link): Grand Concourse Seventh-Day Adventist Temple in New York City. And in the clip, Robinson urges womento submit to their husbands and tells them, “In this matter of submission, I want you to know up front, ladies, that once you get married, you are no longer your own. You are your husband’s!”

Robinson then expresses dismay that a woman can sue her husband for rape and states, “I would say to you, gentlemen, the best person to rape is your wife.”

The video was posted by Sarah McDugal, an advocate and abuse recovery coach.

(link to You Tube video: Pastor Promotes Rape & Abuse from the Pulpit)

But the doctrine he preached is common in some fundamentalist evangelical circles, too.

Single Men Just Don’t Care About Sex Anymore, Study Says

Single Men Just Don’t Care About Sex Anymore, Study Says

This should further throw a wrench in Christian Gender Complementarian gendered stereotypes that only men want sex, while supposedly women do not.

(Link): Single Men Just Don’t Care About Sex Anymore, Study Says

Excerpts:

by Alex Mitchell
Nov 9, 2021

We’ve gone from a slutty summer to a flaccid fall.

According to a study published by Match today, 81 percent of single men said sex is now less important than it was for them in pre-pandemic times.

The jaw-dropping stat on lackluster libidos is thanks to a “perfect storm” of biological and societal reasons brought on by COVID, according to Match’s chief scientific advisers and sex researchers Helen Fisher, Ph.D., and Justin Garcia, Ph.D.

“You can’t shut a planet and expect people’s physiology to remain the same,” Fisher told The Post. “We all suffered, dopamine plummeted, testosterone plummeted, (Link): sex is less important.

“The more sex you have, the more you want. The less sex you have, the less you want. These singles were having less sex and were under extreme stress, the two together dampened the importance of sex in their lives,” she added.