To Forgive Or Not To Forgive Your Abuser – The Unintended Fallout: Possible Emotional Abuse or Exploitation Of Your Codependent Friend or Family Member

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive Your Abuser – The Unintended Fallout: Possible Emotional Abuse or Exploitation Of Your Codependent Friend or Family Member

I was watching a video today by psychologist Dr. Ramani, who I like very much, and I agree with her most of the time.

I even agree with most of her comments in this particular recent video she made that I will be discussing in this post, but it brought to mind one over-looked aspect pertaining to volatile or abusive relationships.

In the video (link to that video here, and I will embed it below, the title is, “Is there virtue in forgiving a narcissist who doesn’t apologize?”), Dr. Ramani expressed that she pretty much disagrees with the concept that people should have to forgive others, or that forgiving others makes a person stronger, etc.

Dr. Ramani rightly points out in that video that continually forgiving pathologically narcissistic persons is a waste of your time, for various reasons I shall not explain here (you can watch her video for explanations). I do agree with her on that.

If someone in your life keeps hurting, abusing, or mistreating you, no matter how many times you’ve forgiven them and given them a second, third, etc, chance,
you need to accept the fact this person is more than likely NEVER going to change and that they merely view your willingness to always forgive him or her as a weakness to repeatedly exploit.
So cut that person from your life, or limit time around them.

It’s not that I disagree with Dr. Ramani’s comments in the video on the face of things, but, I am concerned for Codependents.

On a similar note, in years past, I’ve also read books or seen videos about how people can help their abused friends.

I’ve seen videos by women who divorced their abusive husbands who reel off a list of tips on how you, the friend, can be supportive towards the friend in the abusive marriage.

These videos, books, and online articles, contain lists of things to say or to avoid saying when trying to help someone who is currently in an abusive relationship or someone who was abused in childhood.

Many of these books, videos, and web pages (most by therapists, psychologists or recovered abusive victims) often stress that you, the friend, should just sit and listen to the friend – just validate the friend, do not give advice, judge, or criticize.

I am a recovered Codependent (I wrote a very, very long post about that here).

I am also an Introvert. Introverts naturally make better attentive listeners than Extroverts.

So, as someone who is an Introvert and a one-time Codependent, I was very adept at giving the sort of emotional support a lot of troubled people seek out and find comforting.

For over 35 years, due to the parenting of my mother and the guilt tripping-, sexist-, Codependent- pushing- teachings under “gender complementarianism” of the Southern Baptist church I was brought up in, I had no boundaries, I was not assertive, and it was implied it is my job or responsibility in life to rescue or help other people, whatever format that came in.

All of that was taught to me as I grew up under the false, gender complementarian assumption (and my mother and father bought into some of this thinking too) that God created women to be more caring than men, it would be un-feminine or selfish for a woman to have boundaries, and I was taught that it was women’s “duty” to be care-takers for the hurting.

For me, most often, the support and care-taking my Mom and church taught me to engage in came in the form of “Emotional Labor,” and it made my already bad mental health in years past even worse.

(I was diagnosed at a very young age with clinical depression, I also had anxiety disorders and had low self esteem for many years. I no longer have depression.)

If you are an abuse victim, or if you’ve been bullied at a job, or you were abused in a marriage, or you were sexually or physically abused as a child by a family member,
I know it can be helpful, now, as an adult, to sit and talk to an empathetic listener about it, it can feel so good for that listener to sit quietly while you do most of the talking, and for that person to validate you and your experiences.

It can be very healing and feel like a tremendous relief for that listener to refrain from victim blaming you, offering advice or platitudes.

It can help in the healing process for another adult to believe you and just offer non-judgmental emotional support as you relate your trauma and pain to them.

I realize all that.

But have you ever considered that the caring, non-judgmental, empathetic person you keep turning to, whether it’s a friend or a family member, might be highly codependent and your repeated use of that person as your emotional support system may be damaging to THAT PERSON?

Because I was that person, for over 35 years.

I was the sweet, caring, understanding, supportive listener that many people – co-workers on jobs, family, neighbors, friends –
would call, e-mail, snail mail, or text with their problems, because they KNEW I would always listen to them rant (for hours on end, if need be, over months and years), I would NEVER put time limits on their rants, and I would ALWAYS respond in a timely fashion to ranting or sad e-mails or texts.

I spent over 35 years giving a lot of non-qualified, no-strings-attached emotional support to a lot of emotionally wounded or abused people over my life.

Some of these people called or e-mailed me over job stress, health problems, troubled marriages, financial issues, or, they were single and were lonely – they couldn’t get a boyfriend (or girlfriend).

None of these people who called or texted me to complain or sob to me ever once considered how their regular, negative phone calls (or letters or face to face chats) was impacting me. For the ones who considered it, I suppose they didn’t care.

If you choose not to forgive your abuser, that is your choice to make, but…

Be aware that if you choose to not forgive but to also hold on to your hurt and anger, and to choose to ruminate on the abuse,
and should you choose to deal with and vent that anger and hurt by regularly calling your Codependent friend to listen to your rants or sobbing – you are abusing your Codependent friend or family member, which is not acceptable.

In all the years I granted emotional support to hurting people (including but not limited to co-workers who’d stop by my cubicle during work hours to bend my ear for an hour or more about their divorce or health problems), I was never once thanked.

The non-stop support I gave was never acknowledged. And giving that non-stop support was exhausting and taxing for me, as I know it can be for other Codependent persons.

A “thank you” once in awhile from these people who came to me to dump their problems on me would’ve been appreciated. I never got one.

Reciprocation would’ve been appreciated and helpful too, but the people who were abuse survivors, or assorted chronic complainers who used me to vent to, very rarely to never asked about ME and MY struggles in life.

Continue reading “To Forgive Or Not To Forgive Your Abuser – The Unintended Fallout: Possible Emotional Abuse or Exploitation Of Your Codependent Friend or Family Member”

Help! Can I Use My Dead Wife’s Vibrator With My New Girlfriend?

Help! Can I Use My Dead Wife’s Vibrator With My New Girlfriend?

I can’t believe I didn’t stumble across this bizarre perversion when it was first published back in 2013 (this is a re-print).

A lot of Americans spend a lot of time shaming adults over the age of 25 or so for still being virgins as being freaks or odd-balls, but the real odd-balls and freaks are people having sex who do gross, weird things like think it may be okay to pawn off their dead wife’s vibrator on their new girlfriend, I mean, WTF?

(Link): Help! Can I Use My Dead Wife’s Vibrator With My New Girlfriend?

Is This Creepy?

August 7, 2022 (originally printed in 2013)
by Slate Staff

Dear Prudence,

In the summer of 2011 my wife and I purchased a top-of-the-line Jopen vibrator. We used it a few times and were just beginning to really integrate it into our sex lives when my wife died suddenly of a heart attack. (The vibrator had nothing to do with that.)

Now, more than a year later, I’ve begun to date again. I’ve met a woman with an open mind, and I’m thinking she might be interested in using the vibrator.

But I’m not sure how, or whether, to suggest it.

Is it creepy to offer a dead woman’s vibrator to someone else?

Continue reading “Help! Can I Use My Dead Wife’s Vibrator With My New Girlfriend?”

Pastor Appears To Berate Congregation For Not Buying Him A High-Priced Watch In Viral Clip

Pastor Appears To Berate Congregation For Not Buying Him A High-Priced Watch In Viral Clip

It didn’t become clearly apparent to me until after my mother died when I was in my late 30s just how incredibly selfish, self absorbed, and narcissistic people are, including Christ-professing Christians who may even attend church regularly.

Yes, I had brief flashes and intuitions in my youth and 20s and 30s prior to my mother dying that people could be jerks or selfish and so on, but I did not realize HOW COMMON it was among so many people, including Christians, until after my Mom died.

Until Mom died, I had assumed that most people (Christians in particular) were empathetic people I could turn to if I was ever hurting, in a bind, and in need of emotional support (and my Mom kind of led me to believe I could count on other people, especially family, for support) – boy wow was that expectation ever shattered.

The Christians I went to in my grieving process time (whether extended family of mine or people I met at churches I attended) were insensitive, callous,  unempathetic, or selfish (some acted like sparing 30 to 60 minutes of their time every several months for me to to talk to them about me missing my Mom would be a huge, huge burden to them).

I know better now. I really had my eyes opened to the fact that most people, including Christians, are selfish, unempathetic tools.

In light of all that, I can’t say as though I am shocked by the selfishness and entitled attitude of this church preacher:

(Link): ‘False prophet’ pastor berates congregation for not buying him pricey new watch 

August 17, 2022
By Natalie O’Neill

Time for a new preacher!

A Missouri pastor was caught on camera berating his “broke” congregation for failing to buy him an expensive Movado watch — sparking criticism that he wants to make a profit, not be a prophet.

Pastor Carlton Funderburke of the Church at the Well in Kansas City was giving a fiery sermon about “honoring God’s shepherds” when he scolded his followers for being too poor to give him the pricey timepiece he’d requested, according to now-viral TikTok footage.

(Link): Missouri pastor says congregation is ‘poor, broke, busted’ for not buying him a luxury Movado watch

Carlton Funderburke, the senior pastor at Church at the Well, issued an apology video Tuesday for his “inexcusable” remarks in an Aug. 7 sermon.

August 17, 2022

A Kansas City, Missouri, pastor who said his congregation was “poor, broke busted and disgusted” for not buying him the luxury watch he wanted has issued an apology after his remarks caused a stir on social media.

Carlton Funderburke, the senior pastor at Church at the Well, issued an apology video Tuesday for the “inexcusable” remarks he made in an Aug. 7 sermon.

Continue reading “Pastor Appears To Berate Congregation For Not Buying Him A High-Priced Watch In Viral Clip”

Man Whose Children Were Killed by Drunk Driver Commits Suicide a Day After Father’s Day

Man Whose Children Were Killed by Drunk Driver Commits Suicide a Day After Father’s Day

I skimmed the article; it doesn’t say what drove this man’s anxiety and suicidal ideation, so I’m not sure if his kids being killed by a drunk driver is what pushed his mental health the wrong way, or if they were pre-existing conditions.

Regardless, although this guy was married with children, his children were killed, so being married and a parent was not a guarantee of constant happiness for him.

Being married, and I guess a father, didn’t bring him inner peace, joy, and all the other things so many conservatives (like Al Mohler and Brad Wilcox) say it will bring.

You can get married and have children and still be depressed or have other mental health problems, or your loved ones can still die.

Very sad story.

(Link): Man whose children were killed by drunk driver commits suicide a day after Father’s Day

by Jesse O’Neill

A Canadian dad whose three children were killed by a drunk driver in 2015 took his own life in the hours after Father’s Day.

Edward Lake’s wife Jennifer Neville-Lake shared the tragic news about her husband along with a photo of their three children — Daniel, Harry and Milly, who were 9, 5 and 2 when they died in the crash.

…A day before she shared a post with a picture of the children’s graves

Continue reading “Man Whose Children Were Killed by Drunk Driver Commits Suicide a Day After Father’s Day”

What do Female Incels Really Want? By Kaitlyn Tiffany

What do Female Incels Really Want? By Kaitlyn Tiffany

(Link): What do Female Incels Really Want?

Excerpts:

By Kaitlyn Tiffany
May 12, 2022

“We were all ugly,” Amanda, a 22-year-old student from Florida told me, recalling the online community she found when she was 18. “Men didn’t like us, guys didn’t want to be with us, and it was fine to acknowledge it.”

This Reddit forum was called r/Trufemcels, and she commented there under the username “strangeanduglygrl.” Amanda didn’t post very often, but she checked in every day on the community of self-identified “femcels,” or involuntarily celibate women. (I agreed to refer to her by her first name only, to separate her current life from her former internet identity.)

They came to complain about the superficiality of men and the privilege of pretty women, and to share their experiences moving through the world in an unattractive body, which therefore disadvantaged them romantically, socially, and economically.

They were finding the modern dating landscape—the image-based apps, the commodified dating “market,” the illusory “freedom” to be found in hookup culture—to be unnavigable, and they talked about taking a “pink pill,” and opening their eyes to the reality that society was misogynistic and “lookist.”

Continue reading “What do Female Incels Really Want? By Kaitlyn Tiffany”

A New Start After Age 60: ‘Alone for the First Time in My Life, I Learned How To Be Happy’ (A Woman’s Husband Divorces Her After 40 Years of Marriage)

A New Start After Age 60: ‘Alone for the First Time in My Life, I Learned How To Be Happy’ (A Woman’s Husband Divorces Her After 40 Years of Marriage) by Paula Cocozza

In the article below, the woman (who is in the UK) also mentions that when she was younger, her father died, which had a big impact on her and her mental health.

(Link): A new start after 60: ‘Alone for the first time in my life, I learned how to be happy’

Excerpts:

by Paula Cocozza

Marian Elliott was devastated when her husband left her after almost 40 years together. New friends have helped her rebuild her confidence – and enjoy her freedom

May 16, 2022

Marian Elliott was 22 when she left the family home to be with her husband-to-be. So when he left her nearly 40 years later – shortly after her 60th birthday – she found herself living entirely alone for the first time.

Elliott had thought she could picture the next stage in her life. She and her ex had worked hard to pay off their mortgage.

“We were about to enjoy our retirement together,” she says with a heavy sigh. Now there was nothing but uncertainty. “I felt such pain, I didn’t know what to do with it,” she says.

Continue reading “A New Start After Age 60: ‘Alone for the First Time in My Life, I Learned How To Be Happy’ (A Woman’s Husband Divorces Her After 40 Years of Marriage)”

Pakistan: Men Dig Up Grave of Teenage Woman and Rape Her Corpse, 17 Accused Are Being Interrogated

Pakistan: Men Dig Up Grave of Teenage Woman and Rape Her Corpse, 17 Accused Are Being Interrogated

Spencer’s work on this opens with many examples of Muslims who have had sex with dead bodies, and quotes from Islamic religious texts which shows it’s considered normal or kind of common place to engage in necrophilia:

(Link): Pakistan: Men dig up grave of teenage woman and rape her corpse, 17 accused are being interrogated – by Robert Spencer

Excerpts:

May 8, 2022
by Robert Spencer

… “There is no need to rewash a dead woman if her husband has sex with her after she dies….And there is no punishment for anyone who has sex with a dead woman or limits sex to sex with a dead woman.” (Abd Al-Hameed Al-Sharawani, Howashi al-Sharwani (Al-Qubra, Egypt: Al-Maktabah Al-Tojariah, 1983, vol. 1, p. 263)

…“There is no restriction against sex with a dead woman or an animal.” (Mohammad Al-Sherbini Al-Khateeb, Al-Iqna3 fi Hal al-Faz: Abu Shoja’a (Beirut: Dar al-Fikr, 1994, vol. 2, p. 521)

…“Moroccan Cleric Abd Al-Bari Al-Zamzami: Husbands May Have Sex with Dead Wife’s Corpse; Women May Use Carrots as Vibrators,” MEMRI, March 24, 2012 …

(Link): Pakistan: Unidentified men dig up the grave of a teenage woman and rape her corpse, 17 accused being interrogated, investigation underway

 Attaullah Tarar, the deputy secretary-general of the Pakistan Muslim League (PMLN), took to Twitter on May 6 to inform that 17 suspects are being interrogated regarding the case.

May 7, 2022

On May 5, Thursday, some unknown men dug out the corpse of a teenage girl and raped it in the Chak Kamala village in Gujrat, Pakistan.

Attaullah Tarar, the deputy secretary-general of the Pakistan Muslim League (PMLN), took to Twitter on May 6 to inform that 17 suspects are being interrogated and the investigation of the case is being done as per scientific methods.

Continue reading “Pakistan: Men Dig Up Grave of Teenage Woman and Rape Her Corpse, 17 Accused Are Being Interrogated”

Studies on Falling Out of Love and Breaking Up and How to Recover From a Break Up – Research by Dr. Helen Fisher

Studies on Falling Out of Love and Breaking Up and How to Recover From a Break Up – Research by Dr. Helen Fisher

(Link): A relationship expert reveals the best ways to get over someone

Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and author of “Anatomy of Love,” says heartbreak has physiological effects on our minds and bodies. There’s a scientific reason it hurts so much.

(Link): Why Breaking Up is So Hard, and How to Cope

Excerpts:

by Kelsey Chun
Feb 2020

There’s science behind a broken heart—but recovery is possible

…  Research has shown why our biology makes breaking up so hard for us, but thankfully it has also provided some helpful tips on what to do if you find yourself in that situation.

… one can better understand the unfortunate aftermath if a romantic relationship should end; it’s something akin to a drug withdrawal. Dr. Fisher and her colleague Lucy Brown also did research on people’s brains after they had just been broken up with, and their findings are in line with Dr. Fisher’s previous research.

While looking at images of their exes during MRIs, three brain regions light up in these heartbroken people: the first is the same brain region that lights up when someone is in love.

Dr. Fisher explains the meaning of this in her TED talk [(Link): The Brain In Love], “When you’ve been dumped, the one thing you want to do is forget about this human being and then go on with your life, but no, you just love them harder.” That brain system is the reward system, and it only becomes more active when you can’t get what you want—a loving partner.

[Self Care Tips After a Break Up]

…While manicures and shopping sprees are certainly nice, real self-care is about taking care of your own emotions, which often looks like being kinder rather than harsher with yourself, letting yourself cry, or saying “no” to activities that might overwhelm you more easily.

On the other hand, self-care might also include doing more, such as getting involved in more activities, hobbies, or projects.

Continue reading “Studies on Falling Out of Love and Breaking Up and How to Recover From a Break Up – Research by Dr. Helen Fisher”

‘Wonder Woman’ Star Lynda Carter Honors ‘Vibrant’ Robert A. Altman After Losing Spouse of 37 Years

‘Wonder Woman’ Star Lynda Carter Honors ‘Vibrant’ Robert A. Altman After Losing Spouse of 37 Years

This goes to show that even if you marry, your spouse can die – of old age, a medical problem, in a car accident, what have you – which will leave you single again.

(Link): ‘Wonder Woman’ Star Lynda Carter Honors ‘Vibrant’ Robert A. Altman After Losing Spouse of 37 Years

The gaming CEO passed away in February 2021 at age 73

April 25, 2022
By Stephanie Nolasco | Fox News

Lynda Carter is determined to keep the legacy of her late husband Robert A. Altman alive.

The “Wonder Woman” star attended the TGen awards, an affiliate of City of Hope, where she was given the John S. McCain Leadership Award for her advocacy of research and clinical advances.

The 70-year-old took to Instagram on Monday and shared her spouse of 37 years passed away from a rare type of cancer that impacts the body’s normal production of blood cells.

Continue reading “‘Wonder Woman’ Star Lynda Carter Honors ‘Vibrant’ Robert A. Altman After Losing Spouse of 37 Years”

The Love Story Behind This 2,500- Piece Beer Can Collection Up For Auction is Filled With Emotion

The Love Story Behind This 2,500- Piece Beer Can Collection Up For Auction is Filled With Emotion

(Link): The Love Story Behind This 2,500- Piece Beer Can Collection Up For Auction is Filled With Emotion

Dec. 2021
by Cortney Moore

There’s a 2,500-piece beer can collection that’s gone up for auction, and behind it, there’s a love story.

Luverne Kahl’s husband “Catfish” John Kahl collected beer cans in the 30-plus years of their marriage. John died in 2019 at the age of 83 after a two-year battle with Parkinson’s.

The unique auction item, which was first reported by The New Orleans Advocate, began in November and will conclude on Saturday, Dec. 11.

Luverne told Fox News she’s now ready to part ways with the collection after her home suffered damage from Hurricane Ida earlier this year.

The couple had previously rebuilt their home in Pearl River, Louisiana, following the devastation Hurricane Katrina left in 2005, and it took them a year to recover.

Continue reading “The Love Story Behind This 2,500- Piece Beer Can Collection Up For Auction is Filled With Emotion”

Couple Die of Covid, Leaving Behind Newborn and Five Children

Couple Die of Covid, Leaving Behind Newborn and Five Children

Such a sad story. Condolences to the family and friends of the couple.

For those of you who may visit this blog every so often – especially if you’re an unmarried adult who wanted to marry (and maybe have children too), but you find yourself single (and childless) into your 30s, 40s, or older, I think news stories like this one are eye opening.

Just because some people do marry (and have children) doesn’t mean it’s a happy life or a happy ending.

I have more news stories on my blog (see “Related Posts” below) of people who died shortly before or right after getting married! I have news stories of people who died in a car crash on their way to their own wedding and so on.

Here’s a couple who each died shortly within one another, not long after the wife gave birth.

I feel particularly bad for the children – to grow up with neither parent. 

And really, Christians who “hype” marriage (and parenthood) way too much, to the point they shame singles for being single and not having children – such as Al Mohler – need to stop doing so (as they sometimes do) by falsely painting this picture of “most to all of your problems in life will be solved if you just marry and have children.”

(Link): California couple die of Covid and leave behind 5 kids, including newborn daughter

September 13, 2021
by William Wong

Daniel Macias wanted to wait until he and his wife, Davy Macias, recovered from the coronavirus before naming their newborn daughter.

But about a week after giving birth, the mother died of Covid-19 complications. And nearly two weeks after she died, so did her husband.

Davy Macias was 37, and Daniel Macias was 39, Terri Serey, Davy Macias’ sister-in-law, told NBC News on Monday.

The couple, both of Yucaipa, California, left behind five children, ages 7, 5, 3, 2 and 3 weeks.

Continue reading “Couple Die of Covid, Leaving Behind Newborn and Five Children”

Wife Hospitalized with Covid Comes Home to Find Husband Dead from Virus

Wife Hospitalized with Covid Comes Home to Find Husband Dead from Virus

This poor lady. Condolences to her.

One reason I am posting this is to highlight that there are no guarantees in life – getting married is not some kind of magic spell that will make you immune to heartache or loneliness.

I’ve seen marriage-pushing conservatives, both secular and Christian, promote marriage by creating podcasts or blog posts trying to “scare” single adult into getting married by saying things like “If you don’t marry, you’ll die alone!”

After Covid became a thing, marriage-idolater Brad Wilcox, of the National Marriage Project and Institute for Family Studies, began publishing anti-singles hit pieces, saying how married people were doing better in the pandemic (no, they are not. See links at the end of this post).

You can get married but still end up alone – for one, if your spouse dies from Covid.

If the virus were a sentient being, it wouldn’t pause when it comes to you and think, “Well, I’m not going to get into this person’s respiratory system, because they’re married!”

You can be married all live long day and still end up dying – or your spouse could die before you do, leaving you single once more.

Time for Christians to stop marketing marriage as some kind of cure-all for everything that could ail a person.

(Link): Wife Hospitalized with Covid Comes Home to Find Husband Dead from Virus

by Jackie Salo
August 26, 2021

A Florida woman says she returned home from battling COVID-19 in the hospital to a “nightmare” scene with her husband dead after also contracting the virus.

Lisa Steadman, 58, said she was horrified to walk in Wednesday to discover her 55-year-old husband Ron’s body in the bedroom of their home in Winter Haven, Fox13 News reported.

Continue reading “Wife Hospitalized with Covid Comes Home to Find Husband Dead from Virus”