An Assessment of the Article “Why the Religion of Self-Care is Really Sanctified Selfishness” – Christian Author is Indirectly Promoting Codependency, Which is Harmful

An Assessment of the Article “Why the Religion of Self-Care is Really Sanctified Selfishness” – Christian Author is Indirectly Promoting Codependency, Which is Harmful

A link to this article, from a site and Twitter account called “Truth Over Tribe,” came through my Twitter feed today.

I don’t think I am following these guys; this was a suggestion by Twitter that appeared in my timeline. The “Truth Over Tribe” site says on their site that they are “too liberal for conservatives and too conservative for liberals.”

Okay… I’m somewhat in the same place. I’m a conservative who occasionally disagrees with other conservatives, but I sure don’t agree with many positions of progressives.

After having skimmed over some articles on this site – the site owner and author seems to be a Patrick Miller – he seems to lean left of center.

I can tell he’s left of center from some of the commentary and language he’s used – for one, in the article below, he puts his Intersectional Feminism (a left wing concept) on full display by talking about how “self care” was really started by black people, white women love it, and these days, only white woman can (financially) afford it. (Though I didn’t quote those portions of his article below, but they are over on his site.)

(Does Miller realize that left wing darling BLM (Black Lives Matter) is misleading people financially or that they spend more on transgenderism than on race related issues?)

At any rate, let’s get on to the article on this site that alarmed me, and I will provide a few excerpts, and then I will comment on them to explain why I feel this piece goes horribly wrong:

(Link):  Why the Religion of Self-Care is Really Sanctified Selfishness

Excerpts:

by Patrick Miller

“To be happy, you need to leave toxic people behind.” The preaching Peloton instructor continued, “I’m talking about people who take more than they give. People who don’t care about your dreams. People whose selfishness impedes your ability to do what you want to do.”

 Oh crap. She just described my two-year-old. I guess it’s time to cut him off.

This is the gospel of self-care. The notion that the most important person in my life is me, and anyone who impedes my happiness is an existential threat to my emotional and physical well-being. …

… What’s the Religion of Self Care?

Continue reading “An Assessment of the Article “Why the Religion of Self-Care is Really Sanctified Selfishness” – Christian Author is Indirectly Promoting Codependency, Which is Harmful”

I Appear Successful, But Since Having Kids I Feel I’ve Lost Myself by Annalisa Barbieri (Letter from a Married Mother Who Has Depression, Low Self Esteem)

I Appear Successful, But Since Having Kids I Feel I’ve Lost Myself by Annalisa Barbieri (Letter from a Married Mother Who Has Depression, Low Self Esteem)

Before I get to the link and the letter, I wanted to say…

The article below – via The Guardian – doesn’t make it clear, but the following appears to be an e-mail or a letter from a married mother who has low self esteem, and she’s writing to this paper for advice, guidance, and help.

I’m sorry this lady is not doing well, but I want you to take away from this that being married and being a mother (having children) will not necessarily make you happy, or bring you joy, inner peace, or a healthy sense of identity.

I’m afraid that a lot of conservatives – especially Christians – keep promoting these false notions to women, from the time we are girls, that if we just marry (and/or have children), that being married and a parent will bring us permanent happiness and purpose in life, but clearly, that is not the case.

I am not “anti family” nor “anti motherhood,” but I figured out a long time ago that being a parent or married may not bring you fulfillment in life, and it is that expectation that a lot of “pro family,” “pro motherhood” type of conservatives continue to hold up – it is misleading, false hope and propaganda.

I’ve got other examples on my blog of women who married (or who are mothers), and yet, being married (or being a mother) didn’t bring them happiness, but they were still left feeling overlooked, depressed, or lonely – in some cases, because the man they married doesn’t meet their emotional needs regularly, but spends all his day wrapped up in his hobbies or watching television.

I have blog posts of women who admit that they regret motherhood!

I think if you’re someone who had hoped or expected to marry (or have children) it can be painful  or very disappointing if that did not happen for you, but if you can accept it,
and permit yourself to go through a grieving process and determine to move on in life and determine to enjoy life anyway (in spite of life not turning out how you had hoped), that you can ultimately find joy, happiness, fun, and peace without a spouse and without children.

You can find other avenues of joy, meaning, and happiness in life that don’t involve being married or having children. I made that transition myself years ago, though it took me several years of grappling with unhappiness to get there, but it can be done.

But again, notice, that although the woman letter writer here married and had children, that she is STILL depressed, feels like a failure, feels like a “loser,” and thinks she is not enough.

Being a wife and a mother – contrary to what a lot of excessively pro-family, pro-natalism Christian conservatives bang on about – did not fill that empty void she has, nor increase her self image to a healthy level.

(Link): I appear successful, but since having kids I feel I’ve lost myself

Excerpts:

Squashing your anger down is exhausting. Try using your free time to do what makes you feel good, and see what shifts

May 20, 2022
by Annalisa Barbieri

[This appears to be a question from a writer to an advice columnist named Annalisa Barbieri? – the article doesn’t make it clear]:

[Dear Advice Columnist,]

I have struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens and have had therapy and medication on and off since I was 17 (I am now 37). I’m aware of deep-rooted low self-esteem and shame.

I feel worthless. I never want to draw attention to myself and have a paralysing fear of confrontation.

I have managed to maintain a few close friendships, have worked in the past, and am married with two kids. So I appear “successful” on the surface.

Continue reading “I Appear Successful, But Since Having Kids I Feel I’ve Lost Myself by Annalisa Barbieri (Letter from a Married Mother Who Has Depression, Low Self Esteem)”

Woman Who Lost Leg to Rare Cancer on Track to Complete 102 Marathons in 102 Days

Woman Who Lost Leg to Rare Cancer on Track to Complete 102 Marathons in 102 Days

You’ll notice that rather than sit around indefinitely feeling sorry for herself, sliding into resentment, bitterness, spending every day griping, complaining about her situation, or blaming God (or whatever circumstance outside of herself) for her ordeal, or rather than trying to get attention via wanting others to endlessly pity her, she eventually decided to go on and live life – she enjoys running now.

Every one has bad things happen to them in life, and when those bad things happen, we do need to permit ourselves some time to grieve and feel anger about those things, but at some point, whether you sit in self pity and hold a victim mentality, or go forward to enjoy life in spite of that bad thing that happened, is a choice you make.

And nobody can force you into it.

(Link): Woman Who Lost Leg to Rare Cancer on Track to Complete 102 Marathons in 102 Days

April 15, 2022
by AP

BOSTON — Jacky Hunt-Broersma runs like a woman possessed. And in a way, she is: The amputee athlete is trying to run at least 102 marathons in 102 days.

Last month, a little more than two-thirds toward her goal of setting a new world record for back-to-back marathons, the South Africa native posted something on Twitter that got people talking.

“The first thing I did after my run today was take off my leg. Felt so good,” she tweeted. “Marathon 69 done. 31 marathons to go.”

…All on a carbon-fiber blade that’s been her left leg ever since she lost the real thing below the knee to a rare cancer.

“You make peace with pain,” she said in an interview with The Associated Press. “I think my pain threshold is probably quite high at the moment. It’s one step at a time.”

Continue reading “Woman Who Lost Leg to Rare Cancer on Track to Complete 102 Marathons in 102 Days”

Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will

Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will

I like seeing content like below.

It’s nice to see that decades-old Hollywood and Christian propaganda about marriage (or romantic relationships overall) “completing” a person or making him or her happy is a bunch of garbage.

This married guy sounds miserable. His wife doesn’t sound happy with him, either.

(Link): Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will

Dear Abby,

I am a 50-year-old man, married for 25 years. My wife is older than I. In the beginning, it was great, but our relationship slowly started failing, and now we argue about everything.

I feel like I’m trapped in a cage.

We don’t have one single thing in common anymore.

Continue reading “Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will”

Married People Revealed The Darkest Secrets They’ve Been Keeping From Their Spouses For Years, And Some Of These Are Heartbreaking

Married People Revealed The Darkest Secrets They’ve Been Keeping From Their Spouses For Years, And Some Of These Are Heartbreaking

To anyone who may be new to this blog:
I am not anti-nuclear family, anti-marriage, or anti-parenthood, but I do oppose conservatives, Christians, or any person or group who deifies any of those things, or who pressures or shames people into getting married and having children.


I think pieces like the one below put to bed the common Christian “marriage fairy tale” narrative (that used to be more common in secular culture too), that if you just marry (and have children), that you will find happiness and meaning; all your dreams will come true.

You have all these married people in these confessions below who still are not happy, in spite of the fact they are married, and some of them have children, too.

(Link): Married People Revealed The Darkest Secrets They’ve Been Keeping From Their Spouses For Years, And Some Of These Are Heartbreaking

Excerpts:

“Having children has made me hate him.”

by Liz Richardson

A while back, redditor u/dusty_ninja asked the internet, “What is the darkest thing you have kept from your partner?” Several married people shared shocking secrets they’ve been keeping from their spouses — and some of them are heartbreaking.

Here are some of the most surprising ones:

2. “I’m afraid to tell my husband that before we met and got married, I was hooking up with a married man.”
“It happened at a time when I wasn’t in a good place (I know it’s bad what I did). Even if my husband is not judgmental at all and doesn’t care about past behaviors, I’m afraid he might see me differently.”

—tidissik

3. “That having children has made me hate him.”

“He loves his kids and provides for them financially, but I do everything else — and he only helps if I ask or direct him to. It’s exhausting, and I’ve never been more resentful/angry at someone else so much in my entire life.”

Continue reading “Married People Revealed The Darkest Secrets They’ve Been Keeping From Their Spouses For Years, And Some Of These Are Heartbreaking”

Positive Thinking May Improve Your Emotional Health, Study Finds 

Positive Thinking May Improve Your Emotional Health, Study Finds 

(Link): Positive Thinking May Improve Your Emotional Health, Study Finds 

March 8, 2022
By Julia Musto

Being optimistic may help to improve a person’s emotional well-being, according to researchers.

A study from the Boston University School of Medicine published Monday in the Journals of Gerontology, Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences followed 233 older men from the Veterans Affairs Normative Aging Study over an eight-year period.

The participants first completed an optimism questionnaire and reported daily stressors and positive and negative moods on eight consecutive evenings up to three times over an eight-year span from 2002 to 2010.

Continue reading “Positive Thinking May Improve Your Emotional Health, Study Finds “

Are You Stuck in the “I’ll Feel Better When” Cycle? by Diana Hill, phD

Are You Stuck in the “I’ll Feel Better When” Cycle? by Diana Hill, phD

This article (below) makes a lot of sense. I sort of stumbled on to this sort of thinking on my own in the last few years.

It helps to be content in the present, and to live in the present, too.

If you sit around with the attitude that you cannot be happy unless or until “X” happens in your life, well, if “X” never comes to pass, you’re condemning yourself to a life time of misery.

If you worry too much about the future or sit around feeling sad about things from the past, you’re never going to be happy. I’d rather enjoy each day, rather than worry or fret about the past or the future.

I don’t want to arrive at the future, look back with regret, and see how much time I wasted each and every day ruminating on past disappointments, or that “X” never happened for me.

Of course, I still fail at this at times, but as I’m getting older, I’m getting a little better at living in the present – not worrying all the time about the future or feeling sad or angry about the past.

If you’re someone with depression, or a tendency to have a pessimistic personality or attitude, if you want to guarantee you’ll never move that depression or sour attitude even an inch and actually ever enjoy life, then, by all means, continue to fixate on what you don’t have in life, or feel like you were owed and never got – that will keep most people trapped in a bad attitude, or depression, rather than enjoying life.

(Link): Are You Stuck in the “I’ll Feel Better When” Cycle? by Diana Hill, phD

Excerpts:

October 2021

KEY POINTS

    • When it comes to big aspirations, it’s beneficial to reflect on the good within more minor accomplishments along the way.
    • Often people’s “feel better when” comes from their mind’s capacity to imagine what will happen in the future.
    • Know when good enough is good enough. Try not to waste energy on maximizing things that don’t matter.

      We are often caught in the trap of believing that we’ll feel better at some point in the future when life circumstances change. Clients will frequently tell me (and I’ve told myself):

“I’ll feel better when…”:

I’m done with school
I find my life’s partner
I have a baby
I’m less anxious
I lose weight
This work project is done
The pandemic is over

But what happens when that future never arrives, or if it does, you’ve already moved on to the next “I’ll feel better when?”

Continue reading “Are You Stuck in the “I’ll Feel Better When” Cycle? by Diana Hill, phD”

A Preoccupation with Romantic Love Can Limit Our Life Choices and Undermine Our Happiness by Bella DePaulo

A Preoccupation with Romantic Love Can Limit Our Life Choices and Undermine Our Happiness by Bella Depaulo

(Link): A Preoccupation with Romantic Love Can Limit Our Life Choices and Undermine Our Happiness by Bella Depaulo

Excerpts:

… Social scientists have sometimes contributed to our preoccupation with romantic love by focusing on that far more often than other kinds of love or other kinds of meaningful relationships.

Increasingly, though, researchers are documenting the potential downsides of an overinvestment in romantic love.

 They are showing the ways in which (Link): romantic themes limit the aspirations of young women.

They are also showing that adolescents who get their wish and become romantically involved (Link): end up more depressed than adolescents who spend the same amount of time without any romantic relationships.

Adults, too – women, especially – sometimes find that (Link):  their romantic relationships become more depressing over time.

Continue reading “A Preoccupation with Romantic Love Can Limit Our Life Choices and Undermine Our Happiness by Bella DePaulo”

Hedonism is Overrated – to Make the Best of Life There Must Be Pain, Says This Yale Professor

Hedonism is Overrated – to Make the Best of Life There Must Be Pain, Says This Yale Professor

(Link): Hedonism is Overrated – to Make the Best of Life There Must Be Pain, Says This Yale Professor

Excerpts:

The most satisfying lives are those which involve challenge, fear and struggle, says psychologist Paul Bloom

Jan 23, 2022
by Paul Bloom

The simplest theory of human nature is hedonism– – we pursue pleasure and comfort. Suffering and pain are, by their very nature, to be avoided. The spirit of this view is nicely captured in The Epic of Gilgamesh:
“Let your belly be full, enjoy yourself always by day and by night! Make merry each day, dance and play day and night… For such is the destiny of men.”

And also by the Canadian rock band Trooper: “We’re here for a good time / Not a long time / So have a good time / The sun can’t shine every day.”

…But I think hedonism is an awful theory. My latest book, The Sweet Spot: Suffering, Pleasure, and the Key to a Good Life, makes the case for a different theory of what people want.

I argue that we don’t only seek pleasure, we also want to live meaningful lives– – and this involves willingly experiencing pain, anxiety, and struggle. We see value in chosen suffering.

Continue reading “Hedonism is Overrated – to Make the Best of Life There Must Be Pain, Says This Yale Professor”

How the ‘Solo’ Movement is Rewriting Misconceptions of ‘Sad, Lonely’ Single Life

How the ‘Solo’ Movement is Rewriting Misconceptions of ‘Sad, Lonely’ Single Life

(Link): How the ‘Solo’ Movement is Rewriting Misconceptions of ‘Sad, Lonely’ Single Life

The “solo” movement is quickly becoming popular, especially among women who are tired of being told they need to settle down.

Jan 19, 2022
By Joyann Jeffrey

It’s projected that 1 in 4 millennials will never tie the knot — and that’s absolutely OK. Recent studies show that getting married isn’t necessarily the key to happiness.

Single people tend to exercise more, have more friends and are more likely to volunteer in their communities than married folks.

That’s why Peter McGraw, a 51-year-old behavioral economist, started an online community known as (Link): the “solo” movement that celebrates single life and rewrites the misconception that “singles are sad and lonely.”

“Why is it that when you ask a married person, ‘Are you happy?’ and they say yes, you believe them,” he told TODAY’s Maria Shriver. “And then when someone asks a single person, ‘Are you happy?’ and they say yes, there’s still some doubt there? If someone says they’re happy, trust them — because there’s many ways to be happy in life.”

What is the “solo” movement?
This movement aims to enforce the notion that people can find happiness and fulfillment outside of marriage.

Continue reading “How the ‘Solo’ Movement is Rewriting Misconceptions of ‘Sad, Lonely’ Single Life”

Acceptance (vs. Denial, Anger, or Should-ing) – Helps in Healing and Getting Through Painful Events and Dealing With Things You Cannot Change

Acceptance (vs. Denial, Anger, or Should-ing) – Helps in Healing and Getting Through Painful Events and Dealing With Things You Cannot Change

Disclaimer: All names have been changed in the post below to keep people’s identities anonymous.


One of the things I’ve noticed in the last few years is that when I’ve accepted a situation, whether something current or something from years ago that once bothered me a lot, is that it speeds up the recovery process.

I used to hold on tightly to people or dreams or hopes. In the last few years, I’ve gotten better at Letting Go.

(I’ve not arrived at perfection at this, but I have improved a lot in the last couple of years.)

Instead of constantly regretting, feeling sad or angry about a past incident, or that my life is not where I want it to be now, I’ve learned to accept my past and present, and that has definitely been good for my mental health – and I’m more able to enjoy each day as it is, instead of sitting around angry or upset that things aren’t how I had hoped or planned.

I don’t get as upset by set backs as I once did.

Continue reading “Acceptance (vs. Denial, Anger, or Should-ing) – Helps in Healing and Getting Through Painful Events and Dealing With Things You Cannot Change”

This New Year’s Eve, Celebrate the Women Who Choose to Stay Single by Amy Polacko 

This New Year’s Eve, Celebrate the Women Who Choose to Stay Single by Amy Polacko

(Link): This New Year’s Eve, Celebrate the Women Who Choose to Stay Single  

Excerpts:

We unmarrieds may have no “other half,” but we are far from alone. Nearly 50 percent of the U.S. population is single, and many of us wouldn’t have it any other way.

By Amy Polacko, divorce coach and journalist
Are you by yourself? Did you come alone? What — no date? Hey, I know this nice guy …

Nothing — I mean nothing — brings out the cupid busybodies like New Year’s Eve. But you can stop asking us single ladies, “So, who will you be kissing at midnight?” We’re content that the answer is “no one.”

…We unmarried maids may have no “other half,” but we are far from alone. Nearly 50 percent of the U.S. population is single — compared to 29 percent of households in 1990. A recent Pew Research Center report on census data showed the spike among singles over the past 30 years came largely from those who have never been married.

Contrary to sad stereotypes, many single women wouldn’t have it any other way. This New Year’s, instead of bugging women about their single status when the ball drops, try celebrating it along with them.

…Elizabeth Engelberg, a clinical psychologist, noted that many women today “are not willing to put up with things they have in the past — especially if they’ve had a tough marriage or two.” Another factor in the singledom surge, she said, is that “some women want an authentic connection and just can’t find the right one.”

With more women working, marriage is becoming a choice — not a necessity.

Plus, 77 percent of Americans say divorce is morally acceptable, up 18 points from 2001, according to a 2019 Gallup poll.

Both developments mean women are increasingly willing to hold out for everything they want in a mate, or, as Engelberg put it, “They’re simply less willing to settle.”

…Engelberg said men, on the other hand, are more likely to accept a partner who’s not a perfect match just to avoid being alone.

Continue reading “This New Year’s Eve, Celebrate the Women Who Choose to Stay Single by Amy Polacko “