Hax Column: 30-Something Guy Refuses to Marry Anyone Who’s Already Been Married

You have to like these guys who sound like awful people but who are very demanding and picky about who they want to date and marry.

Like the guy described in this letter.

DEAR CAROLYN (Hax):

My brother has been dating a woman for about a year, and my entire immediate family does not like her. Even my super easygoing husband thinks she is terrible. I am serious. She is manipulative, passive-aggressive, immature, and has a self-righteous streak that goes for miles.

My mom is just crushed that this girl will likely marry my brother. I think if he thinks she is so great then let him make this HUGE mistake.

He is 34 and complains that there are so few women out there who have never married and have no kids (requirements for him), so I think he is feeling a bit desperate.

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Go to Counseling to Deal With that Man-Child You Married (Hax Column)

Go to Counseling to Deal With that Man-Child You Married (Hax Column)

(I got a notification from Word Press that today is this blog’s Seventh Year Anniversary. Yay me, I guess.)

My views about divorce have changed over the last two or three years. I still think people should take marriage seriously. I don’t think I want to spend much time in THIS post discussing those changes – I’ll try to keep this short.

I was raised in a Christian tradition that taught that adultery was the only reason a person could divorce and not be in sin. Suffice it to say, I used to sort of buy into that view, too, but that was when I was younger and a little more naive about relationships and people.

Take the letter below as an example. The woman’s husband had an affair, and on those grounds, a lot of Christians (not all, but many) would say she has a “biblical” right to divorce the dude. Other than the adultery, based on what the wife says, the husband sounds like an arrogant, uncaring, selfish jackass.

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Elderly Remarried Dude Hung Up Over New Wife’s Two Ex Husbands – Past Relationship Actions Can Have Ramifications

Elderly Remarried Dude Hung Up Over New Wife’s Two Ex Husbands – Past Relationship Actions Can Have Ramifications

This guy, who is in his 60s, wrote to Hax, an advice columnist. He’s upset because his new wife has been married twice before and had a buttload of boyfriends to boot.

This is just another example of how past relationships and/or past sexual activity can in fact bother your current or possible future partners.

You can stamp your feet all day in protest and say, “That should NOT matter!! Your sweetie should totally forgive and overlook your past bedroom activities.”

Yes, you can feel that way and scream that, but that’s like saying something like, “Telephone poles, street lights, and trees should be made out of chocolate candy, and everyone in the world should be able to have a chocolate telephone pole, street light, and tree for free.”

Yes, that would be nice, but it’s not reality, is it?

July 2015 letter from a newly married guy to Hax:

Dear Carolyn (Hax):

  • My wife and I are newlyweds in our 60s. This is my second marriage. My first wife died after 20-plus years together. I had dated a few other women while in school and before meeting my new wife.
  • On the other hand, this is my wife’s third marriage in addition to a few relationships during the 15 years she was single.
  • I fear her eventually growing tired of me and leaving me. I feel like I’m always being compared to the other men in her past. What do I do to get past this?

    (signed) Insecure

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Related Posts:

(Link): Fornication or Previous Marriages Can Negatively Impact Other Relationships Later – Another Example or Two (via Ask Amy, Hax)

(Link):  Sometimes Fornication Can Impact Another Relationship Later – One Example

(Link): Ramifications of Pre Martial Sex – Sky Diver Husband; Also: Stereotypes About All Men Wanting Sex Constantly and Being Visually Stimulated Disproven Again

Fornication or Previous Marriages Can Negatively Impact Other Relationships Later – Another Example or Two (via Ask Amy, Hax)

Fornication or Previous Marriages Can Negatively Impact Other Relationships Later – Another Example or Two (via Ask Amy, Hax)

As I have noted on a previous occasion:

Some Christians – the ones who water-down the importance of staying a virgin until marriage – really feel that anyone who is a virgin past the age of 30 needs to give all the fornicators a break, and never hold their fornicatin’ pasts against them.

We virgins are supposed to just get over it already!, and just deal with the fact that most people we date have a sexual past. We’re supposed to be instantly forgiving, accepting, and cool with it.

Well, virgins past the age of 30 are not robots.

Some of us do in fact struggle to accept the fact that a current partner was married before, or had sex before meeting us. We can’t always flick our feelings on and off  like a light switch.

Here is another example of a woman who is struggling to accept that her partner was with someone else prior to her (this is just a fact of life – shaming this woman for holding this against her man is not going to magically make her feelings vanish).

I also saw a letter to an advice columnist a few days ago from a woman who married a guy. It was her first marriage, but the man’s second. This woman felt very hurt or upset that her husband had been married before. I don’t remember where I saw that letter, but if I can find it again, I will paste it in this post.

June 2015 letter to advice columnist Ask Amy:

Dear Amy:

  • I have been dating someone for a few months now.
  • We have one major sticking point.
  • He keeps in touch with every female he has ever had any kind of sexual contact with; and there are close to 20 (from exes to one-night stands).
  • Mostly he is connected through social media: Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat. I don’t do this with exes.

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