Forget His Roses—You’re Better Off Single (Some Relationships are Abusive or Neglectful)
I have definitely picked up what this article is talking about – as I got older, I began noticing that being in a dating relationship or a marriage is utterly pointless if the person you’re dating or married to is abusive or self absorbed, to the degree you’re not getting your needs met.
I was in many platonic friendships like that over my life. I’m (Link): an ex-Codependent who kept attracting emotionally troubled, hurting, or dysfunctional people to me over my life.
As a result, I ended up sinking my time into other people’s lives (rather than investing in my own), acting as their care-taker or free therapist, always consoling them, listening to them empathetically as they complained about their problems in life over months and months, and doing things like driving them to doctor’s appointments when they were sick (and other practical help).
And some of those people I helped, including some family of mine, took my help for granted, acted entitled to it, and some of them emotionally abused me, and they rarely met my needs in return.
As I already lived through 35 some odd years of putting up with abusive behavior, or allowing people to take advantage of me, there is NO WAY I am ever putting up with that in dating or in a marriage.
As I’ve been maintaining this blog for a little over a decade now, I’ve seen news story after news story of one spouse (usually a husband) beating, neglecting, betraying, or murdering the other spouse (usually the wife).
I see such news stories and it hits home how being in a romantic relationship, whether dating or marriage, can be heart-breaking, disappointing, frightening, or can create more problems than it solves.
I have never seen marriage-and-nuclear family pushers (mostly other conservative) acknowledge that being in a marriage can be destructive or harmful.
The only times I see this topic even slightly touched upon is where I read blood chilling accounts of abused Christian women whose church pastors, (gender complementarian sexist pigs), instruct the abused wife to stay in an abusive marriage and put up with abuse.
There’s no point in having a boyfriend or husband if he’s self absorbed, rarely going to meet your emotional needs, or if he’s controlling or abusive in any way.
I broke up with my fiance years ago. I was with him for several years.
For the first week or two after I broke up with the fiance, I felt a little sad about it (I should not have – in hindsight, I realize even more now what a selfish, idiotic jackass he was), but then, as more time passed, I felt as though a weight had been lifted – and it had; that ex had weighed me down.
I realized I was free of his garbage. My ex was financially irresponsible, always prioritized his rude mother (who was verbally abusive to me), and he was incredibly self-absorbed (he also had other issues I don’t want to get into now.)
Once I dumped the ex fiance, I no longer had to put up with his toddler- like temper tantrums, I no longer had to listen to his (Link): exhausting, boring non-stop self-referencing monologues, I no longer had to financially bail him out when he was in trouble, etc.
I’m not against marriage or dating. I think marriage can possibly be a great experience, but it depends in large part how secure and self confident YOU are, and it depends on the character, mental health, and personality of the person you marry.
There are some advantages to being single, especially if it means NOT being in a relationship with a personality disordered or abusive person who will create problems for you or abuse you.
I know if you’re a younger person reading this, like your early or mid 30s, and you had hoped to marry, but you’re still single, it can take you a bit longer to arrive to where I am (I’ve made peace with my singleness status; it doesn’t bother me so much any more – I’m possibly open to getting married if I meet a good person, but if not, I’m good).
You may hear someone say it’s better to be single than in a lousy or abusive relationship, but that isn’t entirely comforting if you’re bummed out about being single, especially if most of your friends are already married. But it is true.
As you get older and learn to appreciate your life as a single (and this is in large part a deliberate choice you will have to make, though yes, the mere passage of time helps a bit), you will start to really notice how a lot of married women are very unhappy, unfulfilled, or scared in their abusive or loveless marriages, and you realize it really is better to be single than with the wrong person.
Some of those married women in lousy marriages, who may not have the confidence or finances to leave their jerk husbands, may look at your single life and wish they could be where you are: single.
(I am a conservative and not a feminist – but at times, feminists can be correct on some topics, depending on the topic. I mention this because this article I link to is from an old school feminist magazine):
(Link): Forget His Roses—You’re Better Off Single
On Valentine’s Day, my mind always goes to the women in unhappy marriages and toxic relationships who don’t know how incredible it feels on the outside.
by AMY POLACKO
…my mind went to the poor women in unhappy marriages and toxic relationships who don’t know how incredible it feels on the outside.
Don’t get me wrong, as a divorce coach with clients across the United States, my heart breaks for them. I coach these trapped women. Often fear—especially of ending up homeless—prevents them from asking for the Valentine’s Day gift they really want: a divorce.
They can be scared of the online dating pool too, for good reason. With the Tinder Swindlers and West Elm Calebs out there, it’s a war zone. As a former investigative reporter, I tell my clients they have to be one too.
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