Forget His Roses—You’re Better Off Single (Some Relationships are Abusive or Neglectful)

Forget His Roses—You’re Better Off Single (Some Relationships are Abusive or Neglectful)

I have definitely picked up what this article is talking about – as I got older, I began noticing that being in a dating relationship or a marriage is utterly pointless if the person you’re dating or married to is abusive or self absorbed, to the degree you’re not getting your needs met.

I was in many platonic friendships like that over my life. I’m (Link): an ex-Codependent who kept attracting emotionally troubled, hurting, or dysfunctional people to me over my life.

As a result, I ended up sinking my time into other people’s lives (rather than investing in my own), acting as their care-taker or free therapist, always consoling them, listening to them empathetically as they complained about their problems in life over months and months, and doing things like driving them to doctor’s appointments when they were sick (and other practical help).

And some of those people I helped, including some family of mine, took my help for granted, acted entitled to it, and some of them emotionally abused me, and they rarely met my needs in return.

As I already lived through 35 some odd years of putting up with abusive behavior, or allowing people to take advantage of me, there is NO WAY I am ever putting up with that in dating or in a marriage.

As I’ve been maintaining this blog for a little over a decade now, I’ve seen news story after news story of one spouse (usually a husband) beating, neglecting, betraying, or murdering the other spouse (usually the wife).

I see such news stories and it hits home how being in a romantic relationship, whether dating or marriage, can be heart-breaking, disappointing, frightening, or can create more problems than it solves.

I have never seen marriage-and-nuclear family pushers (mostly other conservative) acknowledge that being in a marriage can be destructive or harmful.

The only times I see this topic even slightly touched upon is where I read blood chilling accounts of abused Christian women whose church pastors, (gender complementarian sexist pigs), instruct the abused wife to stay in an abusive marriage and put up with abuse.

There’s no point in having a boyfriend or husband if he’s self absorbed, rarely going to meet your emotional needs, or if he’s controlling or abusive in any way.

I broke up with my fiance years ago. I was with him for several years.

For the first week or two after I broke up with the fiance, I felt a little sad about it (I should not have – in hindsight, I realize even more now what a selfish, idiotic jackass he was), but then, as more time passed, I felt as though a weight had been lifted – and it had; that ex had weighed me down.

I realized I was free of his garbage. My ex was financially irresponsible, always prioritized his rude mother (who was verbally abusive to me), and he was incredibly self-absorbed (he also had other issues I don’t want to get into now.)

Once I dumped the ex fiance, I no longer had to put up with his toddler- like temper tantrums, I no longer had to listen to his (Link): exhausting, boring non-stop self-referencing monologues, I no longer had to financially bail him out when he was in trouble, etc.

I’m not against marriage or dating. I think marriage can possibly be a great experience, but it depends in large part how secure and self confident YOU are, and it depends on the character, mental health, and personality of the person you marry.

There are some advantages to being single, especially if it means NOT being in a relationship with a personality disordered or abusive person who will create problems for you or abuse you.

I know if you’re a younger person reading this, like your early or mid 30s, and you had hoped to marry, but you’re still single, it can take you a bit longer to arrive to where I am (I’ve made peace with my singleness status; it doesn’t bother me so much any more – I’m possibly open to getting married if I meet a good person, but if not, I’m good).

You may hear someone say it’s better to be single than in a lousy or abusive relationship, but that isn’t entirely comforting if you’re bummed out about being single, especially if most of your friends are already married. But it is true.

As you get older and learn to appreciate your life as a single (and this is in large part a deliberate choice you will have to make, though yes, the mere passage of time helps a bit), you will start to really notice how a lot of married women are very unhappy, unfulfilled, or scared in their abusive or loveless marriages, and you realize it really is better to be single than with the wrong person.

Some of those married women in lousy marriages, who may not have the confidence or finances to leave their jerk husbands, may look at your single life and wish they could be where you are: single.

(I am a conservative and not a feminist – but at times, feminists can be correct on some topics, depending on the topic. I mention this because this article I link to is from an old school feminist magazine):

(Link): Forget His Roses—You’re Better Off Single 

Excerpts:

On Valentine’s Day, my mind always goes to the women in unhappy marriages and toxic relationships who don’t know how incredible it feels on the outside.

2/14/2023
by AMY POLACKO

…my mind went to the poor women in unhappy marriages and toxic relationships who don’t know how incredible it feels on the outside.

Don’t get me wrong, as a divorce coach with clients across the United States, my heart breaks for them. I coach these trapped women. Often fear—especially of ending up homeless—prevents them from asking for the Valentine’s Day gift they really want: a divorce.

They can be scared of the online dating pool too, for good reason. With the Tinder Swindlers and West Elm Calebs out there, it’s a war zone. As a former investigative reporter, I tell my clients they have to be one too.

For Valentine’s Day, 5 Facts About Single Americans – from Pew Research

For Valentine’s Day, 5 Facts About Single Americans – from Pew Research

(Link): For Valentine’s Day, 5 facts about single Americans

Excerpts:

By Risa Gelles-Watnick

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, single Americans have a range of hopes when it comes to their romantic lives. Some dream of serious relationships, some are looking for casual dates and some are avoiding dating altogether.

 Here are five findings about single Americans, based on a Pew Research Center survey of U.S. adults conducted July 5-17, 2022.

… 2. The majority of single adults are not interested in being struck (or even grazed) by Cupid’s arrow. Among Americans who are single, the largest share – 57% – say they are not currently looking for a relationship or casual dates.

(In a February 2022 Center survey, single adults who were not looking for a relationship or dates identified a variety of reasons as to why, but enjoying being single and having other priorities topped the list.)

Even among adults who are “single and looking,” not everyone is interested in the same type of relationship.

Six Ways Single People Can Thrive This Valentine’s Day by J. Hocking

Six Ways Single People Can Thrive This Valentine’s Day by J. Hocking

(Link): Six Ways Single People Can Thrive This Valentine’s Day

by J. Hocking
February 2023

Confession.

I have been single for the last ten Valentine’s Days. Yes you read that right: T-E-N. So I’ve become quite the pro when it comes to navigating the day known to couples as ‘best day of the year’ and to singles, the day they want to curl up in a ball and die.

Those in a loved-up relationship will know the thrill of a big bunch of roses arriving at their work desk. To be paraded around the office as everyone comments “oh you lucky thing” while quietly filling their coffee cups up with hard liquor.

Seriously, nothing reminds you that you’re single like Valentine’s Day. And while we’ve been lucky enough to avoid the gross V-day for a couple of years thanks to lockdown – this year I’m afraid it’s unavoidable.

So what do you do when you know you’re going to be surrounded by smooching couples and roses that aren’t for you. You turn lemons into lemonade my friend!

You may not believe this, but I have honestly had the best Valentine’s Day as a singleton. I distinctly remember one year my two best friends and I were all single at the same time. So we decided to tackle it together and celebrate Galentine’s Day.

Florida Man Throws Christmas Tree at Wife After Being Asked to Help With Dinner

Florida Man Throws Christmas Tree at Wife After Being Asked to Help With Dinner

🎄🎄🎄

Ho ho ho! 🎅 Does being married guarantee happiness, contentment, and inner peace? No it does not!

So if you’re single this holiday and bummed out about it, don’t be! You can enjoy your own company… which is preferable to having an idiot spouse throw a Christmas tree at you.

(Link): Florida man is arrested after hitting his wife with a CHRISTMAS TREE after she asked him to help her with dinner

Dec 15, 2022

A Florida man was arrested after bashing his wife with a Christmas tree after he became enraged when she asked him to help prepare dinner.

Richard Daniel Atchison, 52, was arrested on Monday around 7pm on felony charges including false imprisonment, violation of an injunction and domestic battery, according to an arrest affidavit obtained by DailyMail.com.

…The disturbing incident occurred when Atchison ‘lost his temper’ after the couple got into an argument inside their Fruitland Park home.

(Link): Florida Man Throws Christmas Tree at Wife After Being Asked to Help With Dinner

December 14, 2022
By Pilar Arias , Fox News

A Florida man allegedly threw a Christmas tree at his wife during an argument that was sparked when she asked him to help make dinner, authorities said.

Richard Atchison, 52, “lost his temper” in the couple’s Fruitland Park home Monday evening after his wife asked for help and put a spoon in the sink, accidentally splashing him with water, according to an arrest affidavit obtained by FOX 35 Orlando.

Doctor Warns Against This Surprisingly Stupid XXX-mas Trend: Don’t Masturbate with Ornaments

Doctor Warns Against This Surprisingly Stupid XXX-mas Trend: Don’t Masturbate with Ornaments

🎅🎄🎅

People seriously have to be told this? They’re that perverted and stupid?

(Link): Doctor Warns Against This Surprisingly Stupid XXX-mas Trend: Don’t Masturbate with Ornaments

by Ben Cost
December 20, 2022

…A United Kingdom doctor is raising eyebrows across social media by warning people of the dangers of masturbating with ornaments come Christmastime — which is apparently an actual trend.

“It is not advisable to masturbate with Christmas ornaments,” Dr. Sarah Welsh, a gynecologist, told NeedToKnow.Online. She was listing the dildo’s and don’ts of the scandalous Yuletide tradition, which sees people hospitalized after getting frisky with everything from glass baubles to candy canes.

Indeed, trying to make Christmas come early with ornaments is apparently hazardous to one’s health.

“Christmas ornaments can have sharp aspects or pieces that can break during masturbation, which can cause soreness, the risk of trauma and are just generally unsuitable for your vagina,” warned Welsh, who co-founded the condom brand Hanx. In other words, leave your elf on the shelf come Christmastime.

Simple Steps for Managing Holiday Loneliness by C. Pearson

Simple Steps for Managing Holiday Loneliness by C. Pearson

(Link): Simple Steps for Managing Holiday Loneliness – NY Times, paywall

Excerpts:

by C. Pearson

…Loneliness is subjective. During the holidays, you can be surrounded by friends and family and feel totally isolated. Alternatively, you can be alone and feel completely at peace.

…When loneliness hits, it is possible to help yourself through it and lighten the feeling, experts say. These five strategies can help.

Do something for others

Volunteering is a proven buffer against stress and depressive symptoms and can be particularly effective in lessening feelings of isolation. That is because loneliness tends to draw people’s attention inward, while giving back turns it outward, Dr. Floyd said.

…Informal gestures help ease feelings of isolation, as well. Dr. Holt-Lunstad led research showing that performing small acts of kindness toward neighbors — like dropping off groceries, watering their plants or simply chatting for a bit — can help people feel less solitary.

Tap into your creativity

[Studies have shown that people feel less lonely if they are engaging in a creative activity, even if they are doing the activity alone]

…Creative expression can take many forms, Dr. Holt-Lunstad said. You might paint or craft. Perhaps you write or play an instrument. Maybe you finally take on that D.I.Y. project in your home.

The One Question You Should Never Ask a Single Person at Christmas by J. Hocking

The One Question You Should Never Ask a Single Person at Christmas by J. Hocking

(Link): The one question you should never ask a single person at Christmas

Excerpts:

by Jana Hocking
December 15, 2022

This time of year can put a shiver up the spine of most singletons.

Yes, it’s Christmastime, and oopsy daisy, you forgot to bag yourself a partner in time for dinner with the family.

You’re armoring up for the “Why haven’t you got yourself a partner yet?” question from annoying relatives with good hearts, and the idea of waking up by yourself instead of to a boisterous house full of children and a sexy husband can seem pretty darn crappy.

Except … it’s not.

You see, we focus so much on the traditional side of Christmas, we forget that this time of year as a singleton is actually ridiculously fun.

Don’t believe me? Let me point out a few reasons why you can thank the Lord he didn’t throw your soulmate into your direct path this year.

1. Sweet, sweet freedom

Unlike partnered-up couples who are arguing about who will be designated driver, and trying to figure out whose family gets Christmas and whose gets Boxing Day, you get the glorious gift of freedom to pick and choose to do whatever the heck you want for Christmas.

‘Hunky Jesus’ Competition, Drag Queen Easter Egg Hunt Return to San Francisco

‘Hunky Jesus’ Competition, Drag Queen Easter Egg Hunt Return to San Francisco

(Link): From Sunday church service to ‘Hunky Jesus’ competition, Bay Area celebrates Easter 2022

Excerpts:

April 18, 2022
By Cornell Barnard

… Easter Sunday services were back at Glide Memorial Church in San Francisco, as only they can do it, complete with music and inspiration.

… At Dolores Park, another celebration of spring was happening and thousands of people were there.

The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence were ‘back to their old habits.’ Their Easter event making its return after a two year pandemic hiatus.

“The sisters mission is to spread joy, so to be here in person just amplifies that,” said Sister Tilda NextTime.

The only in San Francisco classic, “Hunky Jesus” contest was back on stage, a crowd favorite.

(Link): ‘Hunky Jesus’ competition, draq queen Easter egg hunt return to San Francisco

April 22, 2022
By Ian M. Giatti, CP Contributor

A self-described “order of queer nuns” in California marked the Easter holiday with the return of its “Hunky Jesus” and “Foxy Mary” costume contest in San Francisco following a two-year hiatus.

The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, a San Francisco-based group comprised of men dressed in drag as nuns, kicked off its 43rd Easter Celebration at Mission Dolores Park with an egg hunt for children on Sunday, followed by a variety show featuring men in drag and performances from several local acts.

Video posted to social media showed families with small children were also at the event taking part in an egg hunt and posing for photos with the Easter bunny, who was seen escorted by two men in makeup and drag.

The event also featured live entertainment hosted by local gay icon “Peaches Christ” by acts such as “Nicki Jizz” and the cast of “Reparations: An All-Black Drag Show.”

Student, 25, Dies While Performing in Reenactment of Jesus’s Crucifixion – with Audience Members Thinking it was ‘Part of the Drama’

Student, 25, Dies While Performing in Reenactment of Jesus’s Crucifixion – with Audience Members Thinking it was ‘Part of the Drama’

This is sad.

(Link): Student, 25, dies while performing in reenactment of Jesus’s crucifixion – with audience members thinking it was ‘part of the drama’

April 17, 2022

A university student died while acting in a recreation of Jesus’s crucifixion – and onlookers thought it was part of the act.

Sule Ambrose, 25, was training to be a priest at the Clariantian University seminary in Nekede, south eastern Nigeria.

Ambrose took the part of Simon Peter, Jesus’s most important Disciple, dressing up in a long white toga for the Good Friday reenactment.

But he slumped on the ground during the performance and began bleeding.

Onlookers thought it was part of the reenactment, local media reported.

Parent Dressed As Easter Bunny Hands Out Eggs With Condoms Inside to Children at Elementary School

Parent Dressed As Easter Bunny Hands Out Eggs With Condoms Inside to Children at Elementary School

Why are so many people these days (and the past few years) sexualizing non-sexual things? This is so gross on several different levels.

(Link): Parent Passed Out Condoms at an Elementary School While Dressed as the Easter Bunny 

April 17, 2022
by Landon Mion

A parent dressed up as the Easter bunny showed up at a Texas elementary school and handed out plastic eggs with condoms in them to students.

The parent had given the eggs to the elementary school children without the school’s prior knowledge, according to Gullett Elementary School Principal Tammy Thompson’s letter to parents Thursday afternoon.

… The parent, who has not been identified, left school grounds after being asked to do so but then began handing out the eggs of condoms from a public sidewalk.

(Link): Parent dressed as Easter Bunny hands out eggs with condoms inside to children at Austin elementary school

April 16, 2022
by Paul Sacca

A parent dressed up as the Easter Bunny and handed out eggs with condoms inside to children at an elementary school in Austin, Texas.

On Thursday, a parent dressed as the Easter Bunny visited the Gullett Elementary School campus. The unnamed parent handed out plastic Easter eggs to the school children. Some of those eggs contained candy, but others had unopened condoms inside, according to the school.

Singles: Don’t Let Valentine’s Day Wreck Your Life By Lisa Anderson

Singles: Don’t Let Valentine’s Day Wreck Your Life By Lisa Anderson

For a Christian-penned essay, this is pretty good (the link, with excerpts, is below).

I usually find most Christian- authored material about singleness to be off mark, but this was pretty good.

A word from me about Valentine’s Day, that echoes what the author below says:
If you’re single, want to be married, but still find yourself single into your 30s, 40s, or older, Valentine’s Day can be a painful and/or frustrating holiday.

With the passage of time, though, as I came to accept my singleness (I had wanted to be married for years, but it never came to pass), as more and more time went by, Valentine’s Day stopped bothering me.

Maybe the same will be true for you, if you’re single, don’t want to be single, and find Valentine’s to be a difficult holiday.

I initially found Valentine’s Day sad, then after a few years (as I was still single), I was annoyed or angered by it – then after a few more years (still single), it just stopped bothering me – I’d say this was some time around my mid or late 40s, age-wise.

I was kind of apathetic about this holiday by around my late 40s. These days, I actually kind of enjoy Valentine’s Day.

In my family, when I was growing up, Valentine’s Day was not just about romantic love; my Mom used to give us (my siblings and myself) Valentine’s (cards and candy), and as I got older, my Dad usually gives me a Valentine’s card, I send them either via snail mail or on social media to my sister, she sends them to me, and I sometimes give my Dad a card.

You don’t have to have a boyfriend or a husband to celebrate the holiday. You can still send cards or candy to family or friends.

My point being, as time goes by, the holiday loses its sting – at least it did for me. You may even come to enjoy it, the more you accept the fact that marriage hasn’t happened for you. I’ve actually come to enjoy Valentine’s.

This year, I bought a couple of bags of chocolate candy on sale prior to the holiday; they are heart-shaped chocolates in red- colored wrappers, and I had a handful on Valentine’s Day. I treated myself, and it felt good.

I don’t know where you are in acceptance of your singles status, but if you’re still struggling, know that with the passage of time, it will probably get easier for you.

(Link): Singles: Don’t Let Valentine’s Day Wreck Your Life By Lisa Anderson

Excerpts:

….I chose long ago to face February 14th without fear. If you’re single with no romantic prospects in sight, here are a few ideas for how to do the same.

It’s OK to be sad. Valentine’s Day is marketed for couples, and if you don’t have a plus-one, it’s easy to feel left out. Whether you’ve been overlooked in love, you’ve recently walked through a breakup or divorce, or perhaps the love of your life has died, love lost is something to be grieved.

Don’t be ashamed to give yourself the time and space you need.

American Romance Standards Are Changing as People Have Less Sex and Marriage Rates Drop

American Romance Standards Are Changing as People Have Less Sex and Marriage Rates Drop 

(Link): American Romance Standards Are Changing as People Have Less Sex and Marriage Rates Drop 

Priorities for couples on Valentine’s Day have also shifted, while some people who are single say the holiday brings too much pressure

By Maria Pasquini
February 14, 2022

Although American adults are having less sex and exchanging less rings than they once did, romance isn’t dead — and neither is relationship satisfaction.

In 2021 findings reported by (Link): CNN, nearly 26% of adults said they (Link): didn’t have sex once over the past 12 months, according to the General Social Survey.

The results were up from 23.3% in 2018 and 22.5% in 2016, which were the last two times the recurring survey had been completed.

In contrast, when the survey was conducted 20 years earlier, only 18.7% of adults reported not having any sex.

The Washington Post previously reported that the change has been most pronounced in younger adults. Between 2008 and 2018, the percentage of Americans between the ages of 18 to 29 not having sex doubled. (Meanwhile, numbers for adults over the age of 50 have (Link): stayed largely consistent since 1989.)

As a possible explanation behind the data, Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University, told the newspaper at the time that “there are more people in their twenties who don’t have a live-in partner…so under those circumstances I think less sex is going to happen.”

In their most recent survey, GSS also reported that the number of adults with a live-in partner has continued to decrease.

Although 70% of respondents said they were living in the same house as their spouse in 1989, only 48% of American adults reported being in the same situation in 2021.

The number of adults who said they did not have a steady partner has also increased in that time period, reaching 30% last year.

However, the good news is that the majority of adults who are in relationships report feeling romantically satisfied with their partner.

….However, whether you’re single or in a relationship, recent surveys all show that people are less into celebrating Valentine’s Day the traditional way.