Rebuttal to, Or Observations About, the Kerwin Holmes Jr. Editorial “On Finding ‘The One:’ Another Correction on Christian Teaching Concerning Romance”

Rebuttal to, Or Observations About, the Kerwin Holmes Jr. Editorial “On Finding ‘The One:’ Another Correction on Christian Teaching Concerning Romance”

The following post has been edited after publication to fix typing mistakes or to add more commentary.

---

I will be commenting on this editorial about singleness and marriage on The Christian Post:

(Link): On finding ‘the one:’ Another correction on Christian teaching concerning romance by Kerwin Holmes Jr

That post as linked to on The Christian Post’s Facebook page:

(Link): On Finding The One – post on Facebook Page

This guy’s editorial is written in an odd way, so I’m having to go back and re-read it to just to try and comprehend some of the points he’s making.

Maybe I am totally wrong about this, but my impression is that Holmes is either in his 20s at this time, or in his 30s.
(Wait until he’s in his 40s or older and STILL single.  If Holmes still has not married by age 40 or older, his views on these matters will likely shift in time, thanks to good old life experience.)

Also distracting: his first name, Kerwin, reminds me of Kermit the Frog, so I unintentionally keep visualizing Kermit sitting at a keyboard typing this editorial I am reading. (That is not intended to be an ad hominem, just a random aside.)

At the beginning of Holmes’ editorial, he tells readers to view or read dating advice articles or videos by Christian pastors or personalities that he agrees with, such as the works by Reformed pastors or personalities in general and Voddie Baucham in particular .

Let me stop him right there.

I spent years following Christian dating advice (stuff I read or heard in the 1980s and 1990s, advice by and from standard, run- of- the- mill conservative Baptist or evangelical Christians), and none of that smelly, stupid advice ever actually helped me to marry, though I had wanted to be married for many years (I am currently in my 50s and still single). 

As a matter of fact, a lot of Christian dating advice, even the advice by conservative Christians, is counter-productive and actually plays a role in keeping single adults single (this includes, and is not limited to, the “be equally yoked” rule).

The “Dating Market” Is Getting Worse by A. Fetters and K. Tiffany

The “Dating Market” Is Getting Worse b A. Fetters and K. Tiffany

For anyone who cannot wait to get to it, here’s the link to the piece on The Atlantic:

(Link): The ‘Dating Market’ Is Getting Worse

Some of my comments about that piece before I put in some excerpts from it:

About the only “numbers approach” I have ever mentioned on my own blog here is that Christian women really do unnecessarily limit themselves if they try to live out the “Be Equally Yoked” philosophy in regards to dating and marriage, because the reality is, yes, the math is that there are not enough single, Christian men to go around for all the Christian single women who’d like to marry.

So, it makes sense to forgo the “equally yoked” rule, if one is a Christian, to date outside the Christian faith.

At the same time, though, I have seen other adults singles make much too much out of the “numbers game” philosophy on dating sites or comments sections on blogs about dating, where they make finding a romantic life partner sound so cold, or as though they’re shopping for a car.

There’s nothing wrong with having standards, but I am afraid there is a category of single adult who is too stringent or unrealistic with their lists of “must haves.”

I am personally turned off by anyone dispensing dating or “how to get married” advice who behave  as though there is a sure-fire guarantee way to land a spouse – because (Link): there is no such thing.

So, I’m really turned off by the many (sexist) attitudes and lists out there telling women if only the women do X, Y, and Z, they will absolutely get married to a great guy.

One problem is that most of these lists (which go viral on Twitter) are predicated on the notion that all men want and prefer 1950s, submissive, uber-feminine women.

Well, I lived that way for many decades – I was raised in a very traditional family that was into conservative values – so I had many of those prized traits sexist men online say will grant a woman a husband, but I remain never-married into my late 40s.

I was a very meek, docile, passive, sweet woman with traditional values, and no, it didn’t get me a husband.

(As I’ve aged, I’ve realized that it’s not a healthy or safe dating strategy for a woman to fit the picture of docile, overly feminine, passive, etc, that the “dating advice” gurus suggest on twitter and elsewhere, because many abusive, selfish, or controlling men intentionally seek out women with such qualities so that they can control, abuse, or take advantage of them.)

There are many conservatives – including women authors, unfortunately – who keep writing dating advice books for women, or who go on to FOX cable news morning shows, who keep encouraging women to engage in these dangerous dating strategies (of being a doormat, where being “feminine” is associated with doormat behaviors), which I’ve written about before (Link): here and (Link): here, among other blog posts.

The article below states at one point that men out-number women on dating sites. That may be so on some sites, but certainly not all.

Years ago, I had a paid membership on a dating site, and the site was forever claiming they could find no matches for me, most of the time.

For the four or five month paid subscription I had, I was only linked up to a total of about three men in that time.

My research on that particular online dating company found it’s the same with a lot of women, as it had been for me: that site tends to only “dribble out” a tiny number of matches for women, while they send male members more matches per month, every month.

Here are excerpts from…

(Link): The ‘Dating Market’ Is Getting Worse

The old but newly popular notion that one’s love life can be analyzed like an economy is flawed—and it’s ruining romance.

…It’s understandable that someone like Liz [a 30 year old single who is using dating apps to find dates] might internalize the idea that dating is a game of probabilities or ratios, or a marketplace in which single people just have to keep shopping until they find “the one.”

The idea that a dating pool can be analyzed as a marketplace or an economy is both recently popular and very old:
For generations, people have been describing newly single people as (Link): “back on the market” and (Link): analyzing dating in terms of supply and demand.

60 Year Old, Never- Married Woman Asks Christian TV Host Pat Robertson If Some Are Just Not Meant to Marry

60 Year Old, Never- Married Woman Asks Christian TV Host Pat Robertson If Some Are Just Not Meant to Marry

Below, in this post, is a video on You Tube, via ‘700 Club,’ uploaded on October 25, 2018, in which a 60 year old woman says she “never found a godly man to marry” and her church never has any men her age there.

She asks Robertson if some people are just never meant to marry.

As I’ve been saying on this blog for ages now, you cannot count on God, prayer, churches or Christians to fix you up with a spouse, because they won’t (churches will even shame and scold you for asking).

The woman says she’s never found a “godly” man to marry – I think that is Christian code-speak for “I haven’t found a Christian man to marry.” This woman has probably been brain-washed into accepting (Link): the “Equally Yoked” teaching.

Single ladies, if you are Christian and want marriage, the numbers are stacked against you, as I’ve explained in numerous posts before. You need to get away from this “I must marry a  Christian and only a Christian” belief, or you will end up in your 40s, never married like me, or like this 60 year old woman.

It’s better to find a kind-hearted, loving Non-Christian man to marry than end up at 60 never having been married because you could not find a compatible Christian man – there are no single Christian men in churches for you to meet and marry who are over age 30 and under age 80. They don’t attend church.

Pastor Greg Laurie’s Promotion of Equally Yoked Rule in Regards to Marriage Plays Role in Why So Many Christian Women Remain Single Over a Life Time

Pastor Greg Laurie’s Promotion of Equally Yoked Rule in Regards to Marriage Plays Role in Why So Many Christian Women Remain Single Over a Life Time

I’ve done more than one post on this blog high-lighting and explaining how and why the Christian insistence on the “equally yoked” rule in regards to marriage leaves many marriage-minded Christian single women single over a life time.

If you are a Christian single woman who wants to marry,  take it from me, who was once a very committed Christian who was “relying on the Lord” for a husband (and yes, I even tried dating sites at one time), you have to take marriage where you can find it, even if that means marrying a Non-Christian.

There are simply not as many single Christian men as there are women, and the Christian single men who exist may (Link): not be marriage material, to under-state things.

You really have to look at a man’s character, not what religious label he slaps on to himself. An atheist man, or a Jewish man, or a guy who practices Wicca, or what have you, may treat you better than a guy who says he’s a Christian and who also attends church regularly.

(Link): Greg Laurie Tells Christian Woman in Long-Term Relationship With Nonbeliever: ‘Break Up With Him!’

April 2018

Pastor Greg Laurie of Harvest Christian Fellowship in California recently advised a Christian woman who’s in a long-term relationship with a nonbeliever that she should break up with him.

Educated Women Are Freezing Eggs Because Of “Missing Men”

Educated Women Are Freezing Eggs Because Of “Missing Men”

(Link): Educated Women Are Freezing Eggs Because Of”Missing Men“

Excerpt:

By Lauren Tousignant

July 5, 2017

Women with master’s degrees and doctorates are freezing their eggs because there are not enough educated men in the world, according to a new study.

Researchers interviewed 150 women who were having their eggs frozen at eight clinics in the US and Israel between June 2014 and August 2016. More than 80 percent of participants had college degrees.

Critique of Matt Chandler Sermon ‘Compromising a Godly Spouse Just to Get Married Yields ‘Heartbreak”

Critique of Matt Chandler Sermon ‘Compromising a Godly Spouse Just to Get Married Yields ‘Heartbreak”

(I have edited this post to address comments left to me by a woman calling herself Sarah at CallieAnna.com – that update is towards the bottom of this page)

---

I would encourage anyone out there to take any dating or relationship advice from complementarian Matt Chandler with a huge, huge grain of salt, as I’ve written of here:

(Link):  Consider The Source: Christians Who Give Singles Dating Advice Also Regularly Coach Wives to Stay in Abusive Marriages

Chandler is head pastor at a church where he (and a few of his elders at his church) was going to discipline a woman for annulling her marriage to her husband for being a pedophile.

Off-site information on that:

(Link):  Mega-Church [run by Matt Chandler]: Stay With Your Kiddie-Porn Watching Husband or Face Discipline

I am personally not going to take dating or marital advice from some dude who thinks a woman should stay married to a pervert. -Which is what Chandler did.

About the only positive thing I can say about Chandler’s commentary about singleness, when he addresses the issue, is that he is supportive of (Christian) single women who desire marriage – he does acknowledge that too often Christians downplay this desire, or shame women for having it, or feed them platitudes (as if feeding a woman a platitude on this issue is going to help them – it is not).

Having said that, let’s take a look at this page from The Christian Post (I have more commentary below this long excerpt):

(Link):  Matt Chandler: Compromising a Godly Spouse Just to Get Married Yields ‘Heartbreak’ Feb 13, 2017 by W Showalter

Pastor Matt Chandler has some advice for young Christian singles on Valentine’s Day: Compromising a devout Christian spouse just for the sake of getting married will almost always result in more heartbreak.

Why Areas with More Men Have Higher Marriage Rates

Why Areas with More Men Have Higher Marriage Rates

(Link): Why Areas with More Men Have Higher Marriage Rates

Excerpts:

Aug 26, 2016

In places where men outnumber women, it might seem like science would suggest that more testosterone and fewer available females might lead to less stability in relationships. But a new study shows that’s not the case.

The research showed that counties in the U.S. with more men than women generally had higher (Link): rates of marriage, fewer births outside marriage and fewer single female heads of household — all of which are generally signs of greater family stability, according to the researchers.

…. In other words, the new research does not support the assumption that if there are (Link): more men in an area, there will be more unmarried men.

Schacht said these results can be explained through the so-called mating market theory, which applies the principles of supply and demand to partnering.

“If you’re the rarer sex, you have more bargaining power; you have greater leverage in terms of what you demand out of a partner,” Schacht said. So in places with more men, the men are more responsive to women’s desires, in order to find a partner, he said.

America’s Lost Boys by S. D. James (Why Men Are Not Marrying)

America’s Lost Boys by S. D. James (Why Men Are Not Marrying)

I don’t know how much of this I agree with, but it does pertain to topics I blog about frequently, so here it is.

I keep seeing conservative Christian men blame feminism for delayed marriage among men, and at least one Christian sociologist blamed Christian women for declining marriage rates, because he feels that single Christian women are unwilling to marry Christian male porn addicts – he argues they should marry porn addicts anyway (for real; see this post).

Yet another article I (Link): linked to previously blamed porn addiction – that men are getting their kicks from nude women online, so they don’t feel the need to date real life women.

This article is citing immaturity for why so many men are not marrying (the single men supposedly want to play video games all day long).

An older article on my site that I linked to (Link): blamed the poor economy.

(Link): America’s Lost Boys by S. D. James (Why Men Are Not Marrying)

Excerpts:

Where have America’s young men gone? According to Erik Hurst, an economist from the University of Chicago, they haven’t gone anywhere—they’re just plugged in.

In a (Link): recent interview, Hurst says that his research indicates that young men with less than a four-year degree (according to virtually all data, that’s an increasing number) are spending their days unemployed and unmarried, but not un-amused.

“The hours that they are not working have been replaced almost one-for-one with leisure time,” Hurst reports. “Seventy-five percent of this new leisure time falls into one category: video games. The average low-skilled, unemployed man in this group plays video games an average of twelve, and sometimes upwards of thirty hours per week.”

Hurst goes on: “These individuals are living with parents or relatives, and happiness surveys actually indicate that they [are] quite content compared to their peers, making it hard to argue that some sort of constraint, [such as that] they are miserable because they can’t find a job, is causing them to play video games.”

When Newsweek ‘Struck Terror in the Hearts of Single Women’ – Bogus Study Said Women Over 40 More Likely To Be Killed By A Terrorist Than to Marry

When Newsweek ‘Struck Terror in the Hearts of Single Women’ – Bogus Study Said Women Over 40 More Likely To Be Killed By A Terrorist Than to Marry

I was maybe a teen or in my 20s when this study came out. I remember at the time thinking it sounded pretty questionable and stupid.

(Link):  When Newsweek ‘Struck Terror in the Hearts of Single Women’ by M. Garber

Excerpts:

• Thirty years ago, the magazine declared that single women over 40 are more likely to be killed by terrorism than to get married—prompting a nationwide crisis whose anxiety still lingers.
• …Thirty years later—the publication date of the article was June 2—it’s easy to forget that the so-pervasive-as-to-be- (Link): Ephroned marriage-and-terrorism stat was plucked from a single piece of journalism that was in turn based on a study that was, at the time of the story’s publication, unpublished. It’s also easy to forget, given its resonance, that the stat comes from an article that has since been so (Link): thoroughly (Link): debunked, by demographers and sociologists and media outlets alike, that Newsweek, 20 years after the fact, (Link): retracted it.

I Waited to Have Sex Until I Was 26, And Now I Can’t Have an Orgasm (by a Woman Raised in Christian Purity Culture) – Provides Yet Another Reason to Ditch the Equally Yoked Teaching

I Waited to Have Sex Until I Was 26, And Now I Can’t Have an Orgasm (by a Woman Raised in Christian Purity Culture) – Provides Yet Another Reason to Ditch the Equally Yoked Teaching

—————————————

• I would not be surprised if (Link): my Blog Stalker, John Morgan, still visits my blog (and sometimes my Twitter account) and steals links and story ideas to blog on at his blog. He’ll probably swipe the following story I found and feature it on his own blog.

—————————————–

I did not see an author’s name on this. It just says “Anonymous”

I have a few comments below this long excerpt:

(Link): I Waited to Have Sex Until I Was 26, And Now I Can’t Have an Orgasm (by a Woman Raised in Christian Purity Culture)

• by Anonymous
• May 27, 2016
• I can’t even talk to my sister or some of my closest friends about it because they all still think I’m a virgin, living my life of purity for the Lord.
•  ——–

• I was raised in an almost cult-like Southern Reformed Baptist church. I was told that sex was wrong, lustful thinking was wrong, and basically anything that involved sex before marriage would send me straight to hell. It wasn’t until last year that I had the first physical step of courage to go against my upbringing and risk losing everyone around me to do what I thought was right and okay as a woman — not what I was told by evangelical men.

• ….The church taught us that sex was one of the cardinal sins. Once defiled, always defiled. Women could not make decisions without a father or husband to do it for them, and how would we earn a husband if we were not pure?

• They trained the young girls in our church, myself included, that we should live and die to find a husband. Education was fine, as long as it contributed to getting a husband. “Be fruitful and multiply” was the mantra.

• I went along with this. It was all I knew, and I had no mother figure to tell me otherwise. As I grew older, though, I grew indignant of my small amount of options.

• They told us to find a husband within the church, one who was “equally yolked,” but no man in the church chose from the church. They left the church to find wives and left a congregation of deserted and bewildered home-schooled hearts. Yet they were applauded for their fine, godly choices in women. Meanwhile, the women of the church were left to rot.

Preacher Says in Sermon that Single Men Who Play Video Games Are Losers Who Have Retarded Spirits and This Creates Dating Problems for Women

Preacher Says in Sermon that Single Men Who Play Video Games Are Losers Who Have Retarded Spirits and This Creates Dating Problems for Women

According to this preacher, if you are an unmarried man who plays video games, you have a “retarded spirit.”

If you are a hetero single man, would you say that is a step up or a step down from being assumed to be homosexual, as far as assumptions, insults, and stereotypes about unmarried men go (especially ones by Christians)?

I do believe pastor Mark Driscoll (who is very sexist against women) has also said similar things about unmarried men, back when he was heading Mars Hill church.

I’m pretty sure that (Link): this is the church’s home page.

(Link):  Pastor: Men Who Play Video Games Are Losers

(Link):  Christian Pastor Says Men Who Play Video Games Are Losers Possessed by a “Retarded Spirit”

(Link):  Texas preacher tries — and fails — to scrub rant about video games giving men ‘retarded spirit’

• The pastor for an Arlington, Texas church tried to hide video of a sermon in which he blamed video games for dating problems within his congregation, (Link): the Friendly Atheist reported.
• The Faith Christian Center had originally posted Pastor Gene Lingerfelt’s remarks on its Vimeo account. But the video was taken down after the sermon began to attract attention online, as seen below.
• [The preacher in the video said:] “There are young gals in this church. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful young gals, and you know why they can’t get a date? ‘Cause that retarded spirit got onto young men.”
• Despite the pastor’s criticism, (Link): the Entertainment Software Review Board found that the average age of a gamer is 34, while the average video game buyer is 39 years old.

---

Related Posts:

(Link): Theme Park Bans Single Adults For Fear They Are All Pedophiles

(Link):  Stigmas and Stereotypes of Single Unmarried Men Over 25 or 30 Years of Age – They’re Supposedly All Homosexual or Pedophiles

(Link): The Study of Why Men Stay Single: What No One Is Telling You by B. DePaulo

(Link):  Christian Blogger About Divorce, Pastor Andrew Webb, Thinks All To Most Mid-Life Never – Married or Single – Again Adults Are Mal-Adjusted, Ugly Losers Who Have Too Much Baggage

(Link): Church Allows Pedophile To Lead Bible Studies, Hails Pedo as a “Hero” – Meanwhile, Many Churches  Refuse to Allow Celibate, Single Adults to Hold Any Sort of Leadership Positions

  (Link):  “You’re not a real man until you have children” by G. Proops – women should be able to relate to this too

(Link):  Mark Driscoll’s Hypocrisy About Single Men – and other Driscoll stuff

(Link): Adult Singleness and Virginity Ridiculed by Preacher Mark Driscoll from 2000 – and anti Homosexual and Sexist Rhetoric

(Link): Aged Out of Church by M Van Loon (For Christians over the Age of 35 – 40)

Seven Truths About Marriage You Won’t Hear in Church by F. Powell

Seven Truths About Marriage You Won’t Hear in Church by F. Powell

I first saw this link Tweeted by Jory Michah’s Twitter, who got it from Relevant.

• My blog stalker, (Link): John Morgan will now probably blog about this on his blog (without crediting myself and/or Jory Michah), or, he’ll probably leave a comment on this blog post at Relevant that I am citing in my post

Most of the page is pretty good, but as you know, I don’t accept the “Equally Yoked” teaching, which the author of this page advocates.

First of all, there has been a Christian man shortage in America for decades now, leaving Christian single women with no recourse but to marry Non-Christian men.

Secondly, I have (Link): news story after news story on my blog of professing Christian men who have been arrested for using child porn or for beating or murdering their wives – such being the case, a woman is just as well-off marrying an ethical, kind atheist man as she would taking a chance on a Christian single man (provided she can even find one).

(Link):  7 Truths About Marriage You Won’t Hear in Church by F Powell

Excerpts:

• 2. There is More Than One Person Out There You Could Marry.
• 4. A Spouse Does Not Complete You.
• Jerry Maguire has brainwashed a generation of people to believe a lie. Spouses do not complete people. I bought this lie, and it wasn’t until I let go of any notion my wife could fill some void that I was able to truly love her. I had been expecting Tiffani to do something only God can do.