Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage

Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage by Andrew J. Bauman and Taylor May

(Link): Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage

Excerpts:

by Andrew J. Bauman

I am proud to be writing this article in partnership with Taylor May, a survivor of emotional and spiritual abuse. She has boldly shared her own story about what it was like to be married to someone who had a Pornographic Style of Relating, (PSR) and what it felt like to be used by him with her Church’s consent.

*Trigger warning for those who have suffered this type of betrayal trauma.


I’ve written about the pornographic style of relating here (PSR), but today we will hear from the perspective of a woman who has lived on the other side of this dynamic.

Many people have been talking about this with the release of this new book [Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life by Gary Thomas] and some of its disturbing implications.

How can we talk about what these women are experiencing, and what can we learn from them?

Taylor May has offered her story and her experience below. My hope is that this can begin to clear up the muddy waters of what it means to live a Christlike marriage in a deeply pornified world.


by Taylor May

I didn’t realize how a pornographic style of relating was so deeply embedded into my first marriage until I was firmly planted into my second marriage.

That’s when I began to see the impact my first husband’s issue with lust had on my new, much healthier relationship.

Let me tell you my story, and how I and countless other women feel when our significant others lust for other women, on-screen or off.

Those of us who grew up in the evangelical Church have been told that we are responsible for men’s lust issues. This lie has been perpetrated by the church for far too long.

Many men are leading our church conversations with 90% of pastors being men, and considering that nearly 50% of those pastors self-report having used pornography, it would make sense that they would try to gaslight women by minimizing the destructive nature of porn use.

One way they do this is by framing it as a women’s issue or a sex issue, rather than the objectification of women/sin issue–one that stems from the person doing the objectifying.

Continue reading “Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage”

Bride-to-Be Sparks Uproar with ‘Vile’ Wedding Date Selection:  ‘A Self-Centered Monster’

Bride-to-Be Sparks Uproar with ‘Vile’ Wedding Date Selection:  ‘A Self-Centered Monster’

And many secular conservatives and Christians like to teach that marriage makes people more godly, loving, self-less, and mature – no, it sure does not. Here’s another example.

(Link): Bride-to-be sparks uproar with ‘vile’ wedding date selection: ‘A self-centered monster’

by Emerald Pellot

Fri, April 23, 2021, 2:22 PM
….A woman doesn’t understand why her friend planned her wedding on the seventh anniversary of her family’s death.

She explained why she doesn’t want to attend the wedding on Reddit’s “Am I the A******” forum. She lost her husband, daughter and mother in a car accident. Every year, she visits their graves on the anniversary of their deaths.

But this year, her good friend planned her wedding on the anniversary and forbade her from visiting her family at the cemetery instead.

Continue reading “Bride-to-Be Sparks Uproar with ‘Vile’ Wedding Date Selection:  ‘A Self-Centered Monster’”

The Nuclear Family Was A Mistake – by David Brooks – and Related Links

The Nuclear Family Was A Mistake – by David Brooks – and Related Links

If you want to get right to it, here’s the main link:

(Link): The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake by David Brooks  – via The Atlantic (off site link)

Before I paste in excerpts from that editorial by David Brooks below, I wanted to say a few words, and I will be pasting in any relevant links about the Brooks piece even farther below that.

I’ve been saying on this blog FOR YEARS many of the same things that Brooks has outlined in his essay.

Some of what I’ve been saying on this blog for years now includes:
that Christians and conservatives have turned Marriage and The Nuclear Family into idols,
that they have placed weight upon both that the Bible never did, and in the process of advocating marriage, these conservatives and Christians have marginalized the never-married, the divorced, the widowed and the childless or childfree among them, and this is wrong.

The Bible does not teach that marriage – or parenting – are going to “fix” society, or that being married or becoming a parent is necessary to make a person into a moral, upstanding, responsible individual.

If you’re a conservative or a Christian who keeps sounding the alarm about falling marriage rates, you need to accept reality for what it is: most people now are either single and childless by choice or by circumstance.

The United States is simply never going back to the June and Ward Cleaver family structures in mass droves that existed in the 1950s; (Link): so get over it already, and stop trying to punish or guilt trip anyone and everyone who doesn’t marry or have children.

Continue reading “The Nuclear Family Was A Mistake – by David Brooks – and Related Links”

Dear Therapist: It’s Hard to Accept Being Single by L. Gottlieb

Dear Therapist: It’s Hard to Accept Being Single by L. Gottlieb

Oh yes, I’ve been through this (what this advice columnists discusses below).

I’m the single lady who has had to sit and endure listening to women friends in relationships either bitch, moan, and gripe about their husbands or boyfriends every time they phone me or meet me in person, or they forever gush about how great and romantic their husband or boyfriend is.  And both scenarios are horrible.

Either way you look at it, it’s unbearable as a single woman who wants to be married to have to sit and listen to some married cow  (or cow with a boyfriend) either brag about how great her man is, or complain about how thoughtless, stupid, mean, or selfish he is. Neither scenario is a win for the single woman who wants to have a boyfriend or husband but can’t get one.

In the last few years, I’ve personally come to terms more with being single in spite of having wanted to be married, but I remember the long years of what it felt like to listen to married women friends (or friends with boyfriends) complain incessantly about their significant other. It felt terrible.

With a few of them, I did speak up and remind them I’d like to be married, that I wish I had a husband to complain about like they did (or conversely, I’d drop hints that me listening to them gush excitedly about their upcoming wedding was hard for me to listen to, since I was single, lonely, and I had no wedding in my future).

The only thing I ever got out of these women was a “deer in the headlight” look – it didn’t compute with these insensitive, self absorbed dolts that they should neither excessively or frequently complain nor excessively or frequently gush about their husbands to a woman friend of theirs who was single and didn’t like being single. Didn’t compute with these self obsessed idiots.

They’d just stare at me oddly as though they didn’t understand what I was conveying, and they would then prattle on more, complaining about (or praising) their husband or boyfriend.

A message here to married women and women with boyfriends: your single women friends who are single and who hate being single do NOT want to listen to you go on and on about your man, your relationship, your wedding, your anniversary, etc, whether it is positive or negative. Please keep it to yourself – at the least, keep it brief and infrequent.

(Now that I’ve been on better terms with my single status, no, I still don’t like listening to women friends endlessly go on and on about their boyfriends and husbands. I get bored, and I find these women to be very self absorbed, they seldom take an interest in me or my life.)

Also, message here for the married ladies (or women with boyfriends): stop USING your single lady friends.

You married women (or women with boyfriends) only phone or want to hang out with us single ladies when your husband (or boyfriend) is out of town for his job, or you’re in a nasty fight with him, so you call us up, you call up your Single Lady Friends, to talk to us, or to hang out with us.

But the minute your man gets back in town, or you patch things up, you drop us single lady friends like hot potatoes. You are using your single women friends, which is not okay, you shallow, selfish cow. Stop it.

(Link): Dear Therapist: It’s Hard to Accept Being Single

Listening to my friends talk about their relationship problems is getting really tough.

LORI GOTTLIEB
JUN 3, 2019

Dear Therapist,

How do I tell my friends I really don’t want to hear about the problems they are having in their relationships? It is really hard for me to listen to them complain about their spouses or significant others when I am fighting hard to accept being single.

Continue reading “Dear Therapist: It’s Hard to Accept Being Single by L. Gottlieb”

Ask E. Jean: My Husband Will Not Shower

Ask E. Jean: My Husband Will Not Shower

So much for the conservative and Christian myth that marriage makes people more mature, godly, and responsible.

(Link): Ask E. Jean: My Husband Will Not Shower

How do I get the guy to be more into hygiene? I’ve tried everything!

Continue reading “Ask E. Jean: My Husband Will Not Shower”

Man Accidentally Burns His Wife’s Face Off, So He Divorces Her

Man Accidentally Burns His Wife’s Face Off, So He Divorces Her

The way this article reads, this man accidentally lit his wife’s face on fire – the dumb ass used a can of gas to pour on some camp fire flames to reignite the fire – and after she was hospitalized and came out disfigured, he left her.

What a dick he is.

I’ve heard this is pretty common – that often, in a marriage, if the wife becomes sick in some way, say she gets cancer or what not – most men will divorce the wife.

Most men do not want to act as caretaker to a sick spouse, because unlike women, men are raised and coddled in our society to be selfish (they expect women to wait on them, and dog knows that complementarian Christians in particular really promote this sick teaching), where-as we ladies are raised from the time we are kids to always put ourselves last and to cater to the needs of others no matter what.

I wish this lady well. She seems like she is doing better now.

I don’t want Christians telling me any more – or members of conservative think tanks who publish “studies” on marriage – that marriage makes people or culture better – because it does not.

Marriage does not make people less selfish, more loving, or more responsible – it sure as hell did not cause the man in this story to stand by his wife, even after he set her on fire and she was in enormous physical pain (and I’d imagine mental pain as well) for weeks or months.

Anyway, if I am grasping this correctly, this douche nozzle dumped his wife because she was disfigured because he accidentally set her on fire. He left her over something he was responsible for doing, incredible.

(Link): Georgia Mom, 29, Disfigured in Campfire Accident

by C Keating

It’s been almost three years since Courtney Waldon suffered third- and fourth-degree burns over her entire body from a campfire accident at her Georgia home. Now, she says, life couldn’t be better.

Continue reading “Man Accidentally Burns His Wife’s Face Off, So He Divorces Her”

The Incredibly Condescending and Presumptive Singles-Shaming Posts of Gladys Wisener

The Incredibly Condescending and Presumptive Singles-Shaming Posts of Gladys Wisener

In my few years of writing on this blog, I am still sometimes amazed at the comments I get, especially the remarks I get from the most innocuous of posts.

Never would I have imagined that linking to some article about a 105 year old woman who says she is happy and still alive at 105 because she has never bothered with men would induce someone to come on to my blog to leave me nasty and presumptive comments, but that is what happened.

This married woman named Gladys Wisener stopped by this blog recently, and she engaged in some singles-shaming under (Link): that post about a 105 year old single woman.

When Gladys began saying or assuming some weird, offensive, negative, or insulting things about me, and I understandably got irate and offended in response to her attitude and comments, and I let her know, she replies by telling me I sound “bitter.”

Because that’s what entitled married cows such as her do – they assume if you have a legitimate complaint against their obnoxious- married- people- attitudes and- presumptive- assumptions about you, they assume it can only come from a place of… wait for it… yes, that’s right, it must be due to bitterness.

And the unspoken assumption is that you, you single woman, must be bitter because you’re single and don’t have a husband.

In their thinking, bitterness could be the only possible reason you are correcting a married woman on your blog about singleness for being obnoxious.

Your anger cannot possibly be due to the married person’s hideous, insulting comments to you or about you or about singleness, no, it must be because you are not married!

If only you were married or in a steady relationship, you would not take umbrage at the married person’s condescending comments about you or your blog – married or engaged people would love to be on the receiving end of your lousy assumptions and comments and take them so well.

Continue reading “The Incredibly Condescending and Presumptive Singles-Shaming Posts of Gladys Wisener”

My Fiancé Postponed our Wedding, Secretly Bought a House—and Told me I Could Pay Rent By Quentin Fottrell

My Fiancé Postponed our Wedding, Secretly Bought a House—and Told me I Could Pay Rent By Quentin Fottrell

What a jerk-face loser.

(Link): My fiancé postponed our wedding, secretly bought a house—and told me I could pay rent By Quentin Fottrell

They were due to get married on April 18, but he delayed the wedding and bought a house instead

Dear Moneyist,

I have never been married or bought a home before. The guy I am with said we would marry on April 18.

He then decided to delay and buy a foreclosure and told me this all on April 16.

I was shocked, to say the least. He owns a home already and said that he did not plan to put me on the mortgage or deed even after we were married. I, again, was in shock. He said I could just pay some of the bills and “rent” to him.

Continue reading “My Fiancé Postponed our Wedding, Secretly Bought a House—and Told me I Could Pay Rent By Quentin Fottrell”

When Your Husband Doesn’t Care About Your Sexual Desires by S. Gregoire

When Your Husband Doesn’t Care About Your Sexual Desires by S. Gregoire

This belies the usual Christian commentary that if a person just reserves sex for marriage, that the marriage will be great, frequent, etc. The truth is I regularly see letters to editors by married women who are dissatisfied with their husband’s sexual performance in the bedroom. Another example:

(Link): When Your Husband Doesn’t Care About Your Sexual Desires by S. Gregoire

Excerpts:

What do you do if your husband isn’t interested in hearing your sexual fantasies or desires–let alone acting on them?

…In a healthy marriage, spouses care about the other person’s pleasure and desires.

…When we make sex only about one person’s experience, though, then we’re totally erasing what God said sex was for. Sex is not just about meeting a man’s sexual needs; sex is about helping both of you feel super close.

So why do so many people seem to only focus on their own sexual needs?

Some people think that their experience of sex is the only right one
It may not be that they’re entirely selfish. It may honestly be that they don’t understand how their spouse works sexually.

Continue reading “When Your Husband Doesn’t Care About Your Sexual Desires by S. Gregoire”

Woman Says She is Lonely in Marriage to Husband Who Ignores Her in Favor of His Job, Watching TV, etc.

Woman Says She is Lonely in Marriage to Husband Who Ignores Her in Favor of His Job, Watching TV, etc.

A woman named San wrote to Christian program “The 700 Club” to say she’s in a marriage where her husband is ignoring her in favor of TV shows and his job and so forth. Pat Robertson’s son Gordon answered her letter.

Here is her letter to The 700 Club:

I have been very lonely in my marriage.

My husband’s priorities fall in this order: work, television, and then his phone. I have brought it to his attention so many times. I find myself only relying on God and Him being my true friend but I am still lonely.

Yes, I have God to turn to and I talk to God all day, every day, but it would be nice to have a husband in my life who I can truly share my life with. What should I do?

[signed] San

I didn’t completely agree with the host’s answer.

Continue reading “Woman Says She is Lonely in Marriage to Husband Who Ignores Her in Favor of His Job, Watching TV, etc.”

Self-Absorbed Man Hi-Jacks Wedding Ceremony

Self-Absorbed Man Hi-Jacks Wedding Ceremony

There goes the stereotypical evangelical Christian propaganda that the reason you’re still single past the age of 30 is because you’re still too (insert one or more: selfish, immoral, irresponsible, immature, ugly) to get a spouse, and God won’t send you one ’til you get your stuff together.

Forget that. The idiot in this following story was proposing marriage to someone…

(Link): Self-Absorbed Man Hi-Jacks Wedding Ceremony

The Internet is (Link): straight-up livid about this egregious wedding etiquette offense, and you will be too.

A recent bride wrote in to (Link): Slate’s advice columnist Dear Prudence (a.k.a. Mallory Ortberg) about “John” ― her huband’s best friend, best man, and wedding officiant ― who had the audacity to propose to his longtime girlfriend and announce their pregnancy DURING the ceremony.

On top of that, “John” ― not his real name ― found other ways to make the rest of the day about him and his fiancée “Jane.” The bride explained:

Continue reading “Self-Absorbed Man Hi-Jacks Wedding Ceremony”

Pastor, Wife Face Prison After Pleading Guilty to Stealing Thousands From Summer Food Program by L. Blair

Pastor, Wife Face Prison After Pleading Guilty to Stealing Thousands From Summer Food Program

As you can see from this news story, these people were not godly before they married and marriage did not make them godly or more ethical.

God allows jerks and dishonest people to get married all the time.

God does not expect anyone to become more mature, godly, or up-standing before he will send them a spouse. Jerks and losers get married all the time.

Most Christians deny this and tell Christians, “the reason you are still single is God is still preparing you or cleaning you up before he will allow marriage into your life.” If that were true, we would not see dishonest people like the ones in this story get spouses, now would we?

(Link): Pastor, Wife Face Prison After Pleading Guilty to Stealing Thousands From Summer Food Program

Robbie Wilkerson, the founding pastor of New Birth Christian Center church in Chicago, Illinois, and his wife, Tasha, are both set to spend some time in prison along with three of their associates after they plead guilty to defrauding a summer food program for low-income children on Tuesday.

The U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Central District of Illinois announced in a press release that Pastor Wilkerson pled guilty to wire fraud and money laundering while his wife pled guilty to theft of government funds.

Wilkerson, his wife and associates were indicted in 2015 for embezzling approximately $450,000 they received to operate the 2010 Summer Food Service Program. The embezzled amount was more than one-half of the funding for the program.