Miserable in a Marriage to a Covert Narcissist – Content by Renee Swanson – Complementarians Push People to Stay in Toxic Marriages Like This One (This Content Can Help Single Adults Too)

Miserable in a Marriage to a Covert Narcissist – Content by Renee Swanson (This Content Can Help Single Adults Too) – Complementarians Push People to Stay in Toxic Marriages Like This One

This post has been edited to add more material

It would be nice if more psychologists, therapists and lay persons wrote articles or blog posts from the vantage of how things affect single adults, but that’s not always the case.

As you know from my blog, I am a never married, middle-aged adult. Yet, I still find some content about marriage helpful in navigating or understanding my relationships with family members and friends.

This lady, Renee Swanson, has a blog, several social media channels, and a podcast about having been married to a Covert (Vulnerable) Narcissist for 21 years – in my opinion, based on what she’s written, her husband is not only a Covert Narcissist but displays elements of what is called Neglectful Narcissism (more on that below).

It looks to me as though some of Swanson’s accounts have not been updated in two or so years, but the content is still quite helpful and illuminating.

I’m going to excerpt a few of her blog posts below.

I want you to note that contrary to what extreme marriage (and parenthood and nuclear family) promoters have to say, that marriage (and parenthood, etc), does not necessarily make a person happy, safe, and secure, as Renee Swanson’s content once again demonstrates.

The person you marry, should you marry, can end up being emotionally, sexually, financially, or physically controlling, negligent, or irresponsible.

There are some personality disorders for which there is no cure, and for which the disorder is largely impervious to therapy.

Which means, should you marry someone with one of those disorders, such as severe pathological narcissism, your partner is never going to change or get better, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, or how much you do for them, love them, or pray for them.

I think that the Christian gender complementarian interpretation of the Bible is incorrect on many topics, but certainly in regards to divorce.

Many complementarian persons, churches, denominations, and pastors believe that the Bible never allows for divorce, including in cases of physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse.

Such anti-divorce, complementarian churches and pastors frequently mistakenly teach people (usually women) who are married to abusers to simply submit more to their spouse, and that will make the mistreatment stop. Such pastors, churches, etc, are entirely ignorant about personality disorders and abuse dynamics.

If these complementarian, anti-divorce clowns spent any time at all looking up information on abuse dynamics or personality disorders, they would learn soon enough that there is nothing another person can do to fix, change, or heal an abusive or toxic person – and the spouse sure won’t be able to do it.

I’ve never married, but I’ve had family members, co-workers, bosses, friends, and acquaintances display presence of disorders or toxic behaviors, and no matter how kind and loving I was to those persons, it didn’t get their abuse of me to stop.

In each case, I either had to limit contact with the toxic person, or cut them out of my life entirely. The same should be true of marriage – you may have to limit contact with your toxic spouse (grey rocking or yellow rocking), or divorce the person.

The following blog post by Renee (the second one featured below, particularly) accurately explains many family and friendship relationships I’ve had over the course of my life.

I used to be extremely Codependent until a few years ago, and during the time I was Codependent, I often attracted Vulnerable Narcissists, or self absorbed, perpetually angry (or depressed) people, who would contact me mainly to complain to me about their problems, where they’d expect me to just listen and give empathy, something I did for many people for many years, and it left me mentally exhausted.

And those who used me as their “Free Therapist” rarely did anything to work on their own problems or their own mental health.

Such persons preferred to take their frustration, disappointment, pain, or anger in life, and phone or text me about it, and make their pain my pain.

It’s as though some of them wanted me to handle or carry their inner pain for them, so they wouldn’t have to face it or carry it themselves. But no person can do that for another person. It’s something we must each do for ourselves.

And the people dumping all their pain or anger in life on me very rarely (or never) allowed me to discuss MY pain or MY frustrations in life with THEM.

When you are a people pleaser, an emotional dependent, a Codependent, or an empath with no boundaries, you will often end up in these unfair friendships (or marriages), where you’re meeting the needs of the perpetually wounded or disordered person, but they generally refuse to meet your needs in return.

(Link):  The Narcissist’s Constant Victim Role

Excerpts:

by Renee Swanson

Covert narcissists are constant victims. Everyone has done them wrong. Everyone has injured their precious ego at some point or another.

The whole world is responsible for their anger, negativity, lack of initiative, lack of motivation, and even their lack of empathy. From the tiniest injury to the grandest, the narcissist continues to be the never-ending victim.

This causes all relationships with the narcissist to be strained and exhausting.

When the narcissist plays the victim so well, it leaves you with two roles in life. You are either the therapist or the enemy. You are either the rescuer or the perpetrator.

The trouble is that healthy people do not want to play these roles with their loved ones.

Your Role as a Therapist

Healthy individuals recognize that they cannot serve as a rescuer to their parent, spouse, adult child, friend, boss, etc. When a person is constantly relying on your approval and validation in order to feel good about themselves, this is not a healthy situation.

You are not helping them or yourself. You are not their therapist and should not serve as such. They need to be working on their own problems on their own, just as you should be with yours.

… Your Role As Enemy

… That peace, however [that you get from constantly apologizing to the Covert Narcissist], will be short-lived. There are not enough apologies in the world to satisfy the victim role of a narcissist.

Their pain comes from within, and yet they constantly look for external reasons and external solutions. Those solutions will NEVER be good enough. To stop being the perpetrator, you have to set your own boundaries and walk away.
— end excerpts —

You’ll note in this next blog post, excerpted below, how being married to this Covert Narcissist of hers, whom she refers to as Steven (not his real name) for 21 years did not bring this lady any joy or peace.

She does say in other podcasts or blog posts, and I think maybe this one, that there were a few moments of happiness with her husband here and there, but ultimately, her spouse would display his sullen, entitled, insensitive nature the majority of the time.

The thing about abusive or toxic people is that they are rarely abusive or toxic 100% of the time.

Abusive or toxic individuals have moments or days where they can be fun, loving, or considerate – so, you end up thinking the relationship is not so bad; it’s intermittent reinforcement (which I believe plays a role in “trauma bonding,” or is the basis of it) – that combined with fear and false hope can keep someone stuck in a terrible relationship for years.

Remember, just because your toxic or abusive person (family member, spouse, friend, whoever it is) occasionally acts nicely towards you, or treats you to a lovely dinner on your birthday, gifts you with a wonderful vacation or a ruby necklace, or whatever nice gesture or gift
– does not excuse or make-up for the rest of the relationship, where they are constantly invalidating you, neglecting you, nit picking you, overtly abusing you, or exploiting you!

Narcissists are known for “Love Bombing” their victims. You will waste years of your life on this person, longing to “bring back” the nice, sweet, kind funny version of them that they first put on display when you were first dating (or befriending) them, but that was a fake persona. It was never genuine.

The person who chronically invalidates or who ignores you now is the “real” them.

You’re never (permanently) getting back to that fake “nice, charming, loving” version of them again, unless they sense you are going to dump them, in which case, they will temporarily put on the “nice guy” (or the “I’m a poor, helpless victim in life, please help me, rescue me”) mask again (called “hoovering“) to “breadcrumb” you. Don’t fall for it.

(Link): How the Covert Narcissist Plays Rejection, Abandonment, and Abuse

Excerpts (you should read her ENTIRE post, not just the portion below):

by Renee Swanson

My marriage lasted almost 21 years. For most of these years, I convinced myself and the world that I had the perfect marriage. We were simply great together.

There was no other option available. The mind is powerful and can do amazing things. I truly believed that it was a match made in heaven and that he was perfect for me.

…Besides we had some really good days in between these outbursts. So I swept it under the rug every time and continued to believe that our marriage was great and wonderful.

Ever so slowly, my eyes started opening. …

Conservative Motherhood Idolaters Once Again Upset Over People Finding Mother’s Day Painful, Re: Companies Allowing People to Opt Out of Mother’s Day Ads Has Them Incensed

Conservative Motherhood Idolaters Once Again Upset Over People Finding Mother’s Day Painful, Re: Companies Allowing People to Opt Out of Mother’s Day Ads Has Them Incensed

Let me get the usual out of the way:
I am a conservative.
I am not feminist.
I am not anti-motherhood. I do not support abortion.
I am not progressive, liberal, nor a Democrat, and I am fed up and sick and tired of seeing Rainbow Flags plastered all over social media by corporations during “Pride Month,”
and I am tired of companies hiring men such as Dylan Mulvaney who say they’re girls to advertise Tampons and Sports Bras.

Having said all that, I do believe that my fellow conservatives have gone down the 180 degree opposite wrong route from anti-motherhood, anti-Nuclear Family positions that neo-Marxist progressives hold to the degree they have turned motherhood (as well as natalism, the nuclear family, parenthood, marriage) into Idols, which goes against the Bible,
and they shame and insult anyone, but especially any woman, over the age of 30 who has never married, can’t marry, doesn’t want to, or doesn’t have kids, doesn’t want to have kids.

Companies presenting the public with the chance to not have to view Mother’s Day ads is not necessarily woke, Marxist, or progressive, and it’s not inherently “anti family” or “anti motherhood.” Stop conflating or confusing those issues, if you’ve been doing so.

Conservative Upset Over Companies Allowing Mother’s Day Marketing Opt Outs

About three or four days ago, I saw a well known Twitter conservative, Jack Posobiec, tweet about how some companies this year began letting others opt out of receiving Mother’s Day ads, and I saw another conservative also tweet out an alarm about this.

I saw another lady tweet about it, and I commented under her tweet. After that some lady (maybe a man?) named “Rae” started sending me rude tweets.

Before I get to those tweets – I will link to a few, maybe embed a few, I wanted to make the following observations.

I am not opposed to Mother’s Day or to Motherhood.

I am not demanding that anyone “cancel” Mother’s Day.

I am not asking or demanding that the general public each NOT honor their own mothers or give their Mom a Mother’s Day card, or take their Mom out for brunch for the day, if they wish.

That companies are allowing people to opt out of Mother’s Day marketing doesn’t bother me in the least.

I don’t see it as an “anti family” attack. To me, it’s not the same thing as a company plastering Rainbows all over their ads.

There are actually some people – including conservatives – who find Mother’s Day a painful holiday to endure, and they’d rather avoid as many Mother’s Day ads as they can; that is their personal choice, and that is okay.

If you’re a conservative who adores Mother’s Day and you choose to keep accepting Mother’s Day ads in YOUR in-box, I am fine with that. I am not telling you to skip the Mother’s Day ads if you enjoy them.

Why Some May Find Mother’s Day Disturbing or Painful

The reason some may want to avoid Mother’s Day advertisements is that they find Mother’s Day painful, because it reminds them that their mother died months or years ago (they’re still in the grieving process), their Mom is or was abusive to them, or, they are infertile, want to have a baby but cannot, due to physical health problems.

None of those reasons for not wanting to see Mother’s Day commercials or advertisements derives from a place of “devaluing” motherhood or hating motherhood – but even if it did, so what?

If you’re a mother, and you demand that others validate YOUR life choice to have children, you are in error.

If you had children to receive attention, pity, or validation from your family, your church, or the culture, you had children for all the wrong reasons.

Pride Month Marketing

Just as companies give people a choice to opt out of Mother’s Day ads, they should also do so concerning Father’s Day ads and LGBTQ and Pride Month ads.

Other conservatives keep bringing up Pride Month ads as a comparison, but I believe it’s an Apples Vs. Oranges situation.

If companies did give the public a choice to opt out of LGBTQ marketing, some of the far left progressives may be offended, but based on the average, conservative or libertarian LGB persons I follow on social media, most of them would be okay with that and would even opt out of the Pride Month ads too.

Where-as some people find Mother’s Day painful because perhaps they are infertile, their Mother is abusive, or their Mom died two years ago and they’re still grieving, I don’t think the same types of emotions are attached to Pride Month.

I don’t think too many gays are going to be completely upset to see Pride Month ads or not see them, or are as apt to become infuriated if a company gives users an opportunity to avoid them. It’s a month long holiday about sexual orientation, which as compared to death of a loved one (a mother), isn’t the same thing, and is no where near the same thing.

I mention that last point because so many motherhood idolizers keep screaming on Twitter about how companies keep cramming “Pride Month” down everyone’s throats.

And yes, they do.

Woke companies are annoying like that, and I too wish they’d stop.

I’m a hetero conservative, but as I am someone who is opposed to progressive transgenderism, I follow a lot of lesbians and homosexuals on twitter, because they are opposed to leftist trans activism, and some of them have said THEY too are sick and tired of “Pride Month” and all the rainbow flags everywhere.

Some of these LGB persons are liberal, conservative, or libertarian.

But woke companies cramming Pride Month marketing down everyone’s throats doesn’t change the fact that some people still find Mother’s Day, or Father’s Day, painful and do not want to see reminders of either one.

Churches and Mother’s Day

On the matter of churches, that is a little bit more tricky for me.

Back when I was a regular, and later, a semi-regular, church attender, I would choose to stay home around Mother’s Day, because sadly, too many churches celebrate Mother’s Day during Sunday morning services, making the audience in the pews a captive audience.

There are people in the pews who find the holiday a painful reminder that they’re infertile, or all their pregnancies have resulted in miscarriage, or their mother is dead, or their mother was abusive. I understand why they may not want to be subjected to Mother’s Day sermons or Mother’s Day ads.

Famous Social Media Rabbi Charged With Raping One of His Several Adopted Sons, Molesting Others, While He Raised Them as a Single Dad

Famous Social Media Rabbi Charged With Raping One of His Several Adopted Sons, Molesting Others, While He Raised Then as a Single Dad

Have to point out that not all single adults are pedophiles or horn dogs. There are married people who rape or molest children, or who commit adultery – I have many examples of such on my blog.

Don’t automatically assume that any and every unmarried man who works around children is diddling the children.

This guy also supposedly faked having health problems in order to sucker people, manipulate them, and get pity from people, and I imagine he faked sickness so nobody would be as apt to suspect he was a child molester.

I’ve written a blog post or two before warning people, especially anyone who is very…

• empathetic,
• caring,
• a people pleaser,
• a codependent,
• someone with
• Emotional dependency, and/or who has
• Dependent personality disorder,

to be aware of the fact that there are child molesters, and people with personality disorders such as sociopathy, NPD (pathological narcissism), and psychopathy, who will not hesitate to exploit your empathy and warm nature to use those positive qualities against you, or to manipulate you into lowering your boundaries or not investigating them too closely.

Also note that contra most conservative propaganda about parenthood, that being a parent did not make this man any less of a pervert, or any more loving, responsible, caring, or ethical.

(Link): Texan who posed as Hasidic Jew and adopted 9 boys charged with sexually abusing kids

(Link): Phony Hasidic TikTok-famous dad charged with molesting adopted sons after boy speaks out

March 7, 2023
by Lee Brown

A phony Hasidic dad who found social-media acclaim for adopting nine boys has been charged with sexually abusing most of them — while out on bond in an earlier child sex case, according to disturbing reports.

Single dad Hayim Nissim Cohen, 38, regularly blogged about his “unique family” in Houston, gaining nearly 200,000 followers on TikTok.

But “behind all that is excessive abuse,” local prosecutor Janna Oswald told a recent court hearing, according to the Houston Chronicle.

Cohen — who claimed to be a Hasidic Jew from Brooklyn despite being born Jeffrey Lujan Vejil in the Lone Star State — was busted last month after one of his sons went on a podcast to anonymously report being raped and abused, the local paper noted.

The terrified 17-year-old boy told BlindSkinnedBeauty that he’d been sexually assaulted since he was 11 — weeks after his adoption — and claimed many of his brothers were also abused.

Woman Podcaster Killed by Former Male Listener Who Became Her Stalker – Good Lesson in Using a Pseudonym Online, Not Befriending Your Listeners or Readers IRL (ATTN: Codependents and Empaths)

Woman Podcaster Killed by Former Male Listener Who Became Her Stalker – Good Lesson in Using a Pseudonym Online, Not Befriending Your Listeners or Readers IRL (ATTN: Codependents and Empaths)

The following news story, of a male podcast listener who began by befriending, then stalking, a woman podcaster (before murdering her and her husband) is one reason of a few why I like to stay Anonymous on my blog.

I’ve been screamed at in years past (by liberals, progressives, and at least one conservative man) for not writing under my real name here or on my Twitter account, or for refusing to divulge this information to them privately when they e-mailed me or tweeted me about it.

Some of these readers get infuriated and vehemently demand that I reveal more details about myself, including my real name – when it’s none of their business.

The liberals and progressives obviously want my identity only so that they can harass me off-line and get me fired from any job I hold. That is their intent – I knew that years ago, before progressive cancel culture began in earnest.

During the years I used to be very empathetic and a total Codependent, I intuitively knew to keep overtly hostile, controlling people at arm’s length.

However, it took me much longer, after accumulating life experience and researching topics later in life, such as Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissism and Sociopathy, to be on guard for subtle, non-aggressive, emotional manipulation, where a person will use guilt trips, kindness, and so on, to chip away at your boundaries in a very nice manner.

Some of these dishonest, troubled individuals will use your kindness and empathy against you to manipulate you into doing what they want.

I’ve had a few people I’ve met online pester me about something I initially told them “no” in response to, some request they made, but they pestered me in a very friendly, kind-hearted way to drop one or more of my boundaries, so they got me from saying “no” to saying “yes.”

That one lady, “Emma,” who approached me to befriend me online (that I talked about here, among other posts – she came across my twitter and this blog and approached me, I did not approach her) spent about a year to year and a half, very politely pursuing me, jovially and cheerfully hounding me to cave in and let her know more about me.

I kept politely telling her “no” for many months, but I finally caved in and befriended her on other social media sites; I let her get to know more about me after a year or more of her friendly pestering. I should’ve stuck to my boundaries and kept her at arm’s length.

Back then, it was more difficult for me to spot when people were using (fake) kindness to get me to lower my boundaries: I had my guard up at that time against hostile (the rude, angry, demanding) attempts, which are easier to spot.

Also, if you’re an empath, a people pleaser, or a codependent, this may be eye opening for you, but:

1) not everyone is as kind hearted, giving, and empathetic as you.

Stop assuming others are as loving as you are.

Stop projecting your kindness and empathy on to other people.
Some people, due to having personality disorders, are literally incapable of having empathy, but they will use yours against you to exploit you.

2) You have to become more choosy about who and when you give your affection, empathy, and time (or money) to

Almost everyone in life is undergoing some kind of problem.

Almost everyone is still walking around (even into their 40s and older) with left over wounds from childhood.

Many people, even into their 40s, 50s, and older, are lonely (even if they’re married, they’re being emotionally neglected by their spouse).

A lot of people are hungering to be heard, seen, and listened to and empathized with.

Many of these hurting, lonely, lost, emotionally needy or wounded people would love nothing more than to have an empathetic emotional rock, a caring sounding board, who they can rely on to get their emotional needs met.

If you allow them, they will call or text you daily to weekly to monthly to complain about their pain (both physical and emotional), how others have let them down and hurt them, or how nothing in their life ever works out, or how they were abused or misused by their family or ex spouse.

You will hear (in great detail, for hours, over months to years) about every pain and frustration they’ve ever had in their life, and/or whatever their current problems are.

You cannot save such people, no matter how much empathy, attention, and emotional support you give them: and it will never end.

These types of people (some of whom have BPD or Vulnerable Narcissism) are endless black holes of emotional need or emotional dis-regulation with an identity crisis, asking and demanding that you fill those needs, regulate their dysfunction, and provide them with a stable identity.

However, you cannot do any of that constantly or permanently for them, no matter how loving and kind you are. You’re just human with your own needs to deal with.

And they will very rarely give you support and validation in return. They will drain you dry, leaving you mentally (and perhaps physically) exhausted.

If you have a blog, video channel, podcast, or some other way you are online publicly, I’d advise using a fake name, no matter how many temper tantrums some of your readers or listeners pull.

If you use your real name on your video channel, blog, or podcast, be very careful about who you permit into your life.
This is ten times more true if you have poor boundaries, you’re overly empathetic, are reluctant (or too afraid, or feel guilty) to turn other people down and say “no” to them, and/or you’re a codependent.

If not, you’re going to have one of these mentally disturbed lunatics possibly hunt you down IRL (in real life) and murder you.

Or, at the very least, they will start contacting you frequently, draining you mentally dry, wearing you down to the point of exhaustion, because they want you to give them constant emotional support, and they will make no effort to take responsibility for their own happiness and to make changes in their life.

They will come to depend on YOU to “make them happy” (which you and no other person can do), or to regulate them emotionally. You’re not obligated to be anyone’s compassionate free therapist.

Anyway, notice that being married did not keep this woman safe. Her stalker murdered both her and her husband. Being married didn’t give this woman a happy fairy tale ending.

(Link): Texas trucker, 38, kills Seattle ‘podcaster’ he’d been stalking AND her husband after climbing through a window of their $1m home: Victim’s mother escaped and called 911

March 10, 2023
by Jen Smith

A Texas trucker killed a Seattle podcast host he had been stalking and her husband last night after climbing through a window of their $1.6million suburban home.

Redmond Police say Zohreh Sadeghi, 33, was shot and killed by trucker Ramin Khodakaramrezaei, 38, last night. Sadeghi’s husband, Mohammed Naseri, 35, was also killed.

Police say Khodakaramrezaei was a listener and became so obsessed with her that she filed a restraining order against him. 

Court records obtained by DailyMail.com show there was a warrant for his arrest on charges of telephone stalking and stalking. The criminal complaint was filed against him a week ago.

At 2am last night, the trucker broke into the home in Redmond, Washington, shot her and her husband before turning his gun on himself.

Setting Yourself Up For Failure, Transgender Edition: Demanding Full Acceptance, External Validation Constantly, or Else You’ll Off Yourself, You Say

Setting Yourself Up For Failure, Transgender Edition: Demanding Full Acceptance, External Validation Constantly, or Else You’ll Off Yourself, You Say

What I say in this post is also applicable to anyone else, but as of late, we’re having a cultural moment in the United States (Great Britain and Scotland also seem to be having this same problem), where transgender persons, mostly biological men who claim to be women (“transwomen”) are demanding, or guilt tripping, others into constantly validating or accepting them and their new “woman” identity.

Just as I said in another blog post months ago about clinically depressed people having the ability to make choices and to make changes (and yes, they do have that ability), so too do these transgender people.

Just as a clinically depressed person is still responsible for his or own situation and happiness in spite of having depression, so too are transgender persons.

You may not be “to blame” for having a problem, whether it’s depression or whatever else, but you remain responsible for how you handle and deal with that problem.

A person granting another adult, (whether they suffer from depression or gender dysphoria), non-stop empathy, attention, validation, and acceptance, is not ultimately going to erase the person’s depression or dysphoria.

The empathy, the validation, and so on, that these emotionally damaged and needy people say they want, and that some of them rudely or arrogantly demand from others, only acts like a temporary band-aid to a very deep wound that needs surgery.

Your emotional wound and inner pain is not going to permanently go away until and unless YOU take charge and do something about it.

One of the things you can do about it is to start seeing a reputable therapist or psychologist, of the “non-woke” variety.

A woke, progressive therapist will only keep you trapped in what is making you unhappy to start with, largely by giving you that on-going validation you want – rather than help you find solutions you can actually start working on.

At the very least, seek out free, online self-help material by therapists and psychologists if you cannot afford regular mental health professional visits. Do not seek out help, advice, or empathy from places such as Reddit, TikTok, Instagram, or Twitter.

Other adults pitying you, giving you affirmation, calling you by your “preferred pronouns,” or reassuring you that yes, you’re a victim in life, and so on, will not solve your deeper problems.

Transitioning from being one biological sex to pretending to be the other biological sex likewise will not permanently, psychologically heal a person.

(Link – off site): Jazz Jennings, America’s first trans child celebrity, admits all the surgeries and affirmations haven’t helped

If you did not like yourself when you presented as a man, most of you won’t like yourself after you begin to present as a woman, either.

If you were born a woman and didn’t like yourself when you were a woman, and then try to present and live as a man, you still won’t like yourself, either.

My Husband Tried to Kill Me By Smothering Me with a Pillow and Stabbing Me in the Face While I Slept After I Asked for a Divorce by C. Fernandez

My Husband Tried to Kill Me By Smothering Me with a Pillow and Stabbing Me in the Face While I Slept After I Asked for a Divorce by C. Fernandez

If you’re a single adult still struggling with singleness though you want to be married, keep posts like this one bookmarked to remind you – being married won’t make you happier or keep you safe.

Ignore my fellow conservatives who over-romanticize marriage and make it sound like it will be the solution to all your problems.

(Link): My husband tried to kill me by smothering me with a pillow and stabbing me in the face while I slept after I asked for a divorce – my teenager was forced to stab him to stop the attack

February 25, 2023
by C. Fernanadez

A mother-of-two has revealed her husband of 25 years tried to kill her by smothering her with a pillow and stabbing her in the head after she asked for a divorce.

Shahla Walker, 55, from Gateshead, married Nezam Ghalate, 53, in 1995 – but after welcoming two daughters, their marriage began to fall apart.

In January 2022, she told Nezam she wanted a divorce, before waking up to find he had attacked her.

Her screams woke their 18-year-old daughter, who struck her father with a lamp and eventually resorted to stabbing him in the head in a desperate effort to save her mother.

The Chelsea Handler Childless Woman Upset: Other Conservatives Wrongly Conflating Married Motherhood with Womanhood or Happiness, Meaning, Purpose

The Chelsea Handler Childless Woman Upset: Other Conservatives Wrongly Conflating Married Motherhood with Womanhood or with Happiness, Meaning, or Purpose

After entertainer Chelsea Handler uploaded (Link): a Tweet with a video of herself listing the numerous ways she enjoys life due to being childless – I didn’t see anything in the video mentioning abortion – a lot of other conservatives jumped to shame and scold Handler for being happy about being childless and publicly expressing that happiness.

Others have said that Handler had two or three abortions in the past. The fact that Handler previously had abortions does not change the substance of my problems with conservative reaction to Handler’s video.

I am pro-life, not pro-choice, so I don’t agree with Handler’s actions to terminate her pregnancies.

However, again, I don’t recall Handler’s “happy to be childless” video advocating abortion or mentioning anything about abortion.

I don’t think her video criticized or shamed women for being mothers or for wanting to be mothers.

The only possible, even remotely “anti motherhood” take away one can get from her video is that mothers – assuming they are good, non-abusive mothers – invest a lot of time in child-rearing, but Handler doesn’t frame it in an anti-motherhood way.

It’s Okay For Women to Be Childless at Any Age and to be Happy About Being Childless, Just Like It’s Okay For Mothers to Be Happy About Being Mothers

Handler was just showing ways she has more free time because she doesn’t have to participate in childcare – which is not the same thing as being “anti-motherhood,” or telling other women they are wrong to be mothers.

It’s perfectly fine for a woman to be single and childless and to be happy about it.

Women can and should find meaning and purpose apart from marriage and motherhood. It’s unhealthy for any person to wrap up all their happiness, meaning, or purpose into one identity, station of life, or role.

If you are a married mother, your children will grow up, move out, and seldom visit you once they’re gone. Your husband may develop dementia, abuse you, or cheat on you, so that you will be without emotional support or you will have to divorce him.
In all these situations, you will be left with yourself, by yourself, and god help you if you never forged purpose, identity, happiness, or meaning apart from a spouse and children.

There’s no reason to criticize or shame an adult, man or woman, for being single and childless and for being happy about it and posting about it.

My fellow conservatives often push motherhood (via podcasts, tweets, magazine articles, church sermons, blog posts, etc) to a loopy, creepy, fevered pitch, about how super awesome, fulfilling, and wonderful motherhood supposedly is – but goodness forbid a childless woman lists or publicizes the ways she’s happy with being childless – and do so without criticizing motherhood or mothers. That’s a huge double standard.

I also didn’t agree with Handler’s mockery of single women who choose to remain virgins until marriage or to remain chaste (I blogged about that (Link): here a few years ago).

Unfortunately, in the midst of criticizing Handler, a lot of conservatives today were conflating “womanhood” to married motherhood. 

However, a woman remains a woman regardless if she has a child or is infertile, childless, or childfree, or whether she wants to have children or not.

President of Leading Trans Org Admits Social Contagion is Driving Surge in Kids Identifying as Transgender

President of Leading Trans Org Admits Social Contagion is Driving Surge in Kids Identifying as Transgender

(Link): President of leading trans org admits social contagion is driving surge in kids identifying as transgender

Excerpts:

Jan. 24, 2023
by Mia Ashton

The president of the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) has admitted that social contagion is a factor in the dramatic increase in children and adolescents identifying as transgender.

Dr. Marci Bowers, a trans-identified male and president of the leading transgender health organization that pushes for affirmation and medical intervention for youth who believe themselves to be members of the opposite sex, made the comments in a recent interview with the (Link): New York Times.

“There are people in my community who will deny that there’s any sort of ‘social contagion’ — I shouldn’t say social contagion, but at least peer influence on some of these decisions,” Bowers told the New York Times. “I think that’s just not recognizing human behavior.”

This is not the first time Bowers has made such comments. In 2021, the celebrity gender surgeon who has performed more than 2,000 vaginoplasties acknowledged the possibility that the surge in teenage girls identifying as boys was a social trend.

“I think there probably are people who are influenced. There is a little bit of ‘Yeah, that’s so cool. Yeah, I kind of want to do that too’,” Bowers said in an interview with Abigail Shrier, author of Irreversible Damage.

This didn’t stop WPATH from removing all lower age requirements from its latest Standards of Care guidelines, nor did it cause the internationally respected transgender health group to reconsider advising clinicians to immediately affirm every child who declares a transgender identity.

Trans-Identified Suspect Admits to Setting Historic Church on Fire After Hearing Voices in Head

Trans-Identified Suspect Admits to Setting Historic Church on Fire After Hearing Voices in Head

(Link): Trans-identified suspect admits to setting historic church on fire after hearing voices in head

by Ryan Foley
Jan. 10, 2023

A trans-identified individual has been arrested for setting a historic Portland church on fire after confessing to the crime and telling law enforcement that mental illness may have motivated the act of arson.

The Multnomah County District Attorney’s Office announced Thursday that Cameron David Storer, 25, was arrested in connection with a Jan. 3 fire at a vacant building that once housed the Portland Korean Church in Portland, Oregon.

The blaze resulted in the partial collapse of the south side of the church as well as the roof. Storer faces multiple charges related to the fire: two counts of arson in the first degree, one count of arson in the second degree and two counts of burglary in the second degree.

Swingers Often Face Social Stigmas That Lead to Worse Mental Health

Swingers Often Face Social Stigmas That Lead to Worse Mental Health

(Link): Swingers often face social stigmas that lead to worse mental health

by Study Finds
December 19, 2022

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Swingers — or people who regularly swap sexual partners [🤮] or engage in group sex [🤮] — are ironically all alone when it comes to the rest of society. A new study finds these individuals are often snubbed by others — to the detriment of their health.

Researchers from the University of Florida discovered that people in open relationships often face negative attitudes regarding their lifestyle from others and that this impacts their mental health and well-being.

Simple Steps for Managing Holiday Loneliness by C. Pearson

Simple Steps for Managing Holiday Loneliness by C. Pearson

(Link): Simple Steps for Managing Holiday Loneliness – NY Times, paywall

Excerpts:

by C. Pearson

…Loneliness is subjective. During the holidays, you can be surrounded by friends and family and feel totally isolated. Alternatively, you can be alone and feel completely at peace.

…When loneliness hits, it is possible to help yourself through it and lighten the feeling, experts say. These five strategies can help.

Do something for others

Volunteering is a proven buffer against stress and depressive symptoms and can be particularly effective in lessening feelings of isolation. That is because loneliness tends to draw people’s attention inward, while giving back turns it outward, Dr. Floyd said.

…Informal gestures help ease feelings of isolation, as well. Dr. Holt-Lunstad led research showing that performing small acts of kindness toward neighbors — like dropping off groceries, watering their plants or simply chatting for a bit — can help people feel less solitary.

Tap into your creativity

[Studies have shown that people feel less lonely if they are engaging in a creative activity, even if they are doing the activity alone]

…Creative expression can take many forms, Dr. Holt-Lunstad said. You might paint or craft. Perhaps you write or play an instrument. Maybe you finally take on that D.I.Y. project in your home.

Divorcee Learns to Enjoy Life Again After 35 Year Marriage Ends by J. Ivey

Divorcee Learns to Enjoy Life Again After 35 Year Marriage Ends by J. Ivey

I could not find a copy of this online, so I cannot link to it. I have a print copy.

Someone did upload a copy to Scribd, but you have to have a subscription or whatever to read past the first few paragraphs

Girlfriend Power

Excerpts:

February / March 2022

It was the first Valentine’s Day after my marriage ended. The last thing I wanted to do was go to a party with a bunch of single ladies

Girlfriend Power by Jennie Ivey

[The author opens the piece by explaining that she and her husband George were divorcing after 35 years of marriage.]

… For the first time in decades, I wasn’t part of a couple. For the first time in my life, I was living alone.

… Why oh why had I said I’d go to my friend Pat’s Valentine’s party? “Celebrate with other singles at a girls’ night in,” the invitation read. “Food! Music! Games! Fun!”

[Initially, she called her friend who was throwing the party to decline. The friend told her the reason for the party started years before, when her husband served her divorce papers on Valentine’s Day, and her father died on Valentine’s Day a few years prior. The friend replied,]

… “instead of moping around because we’re not coupled up, we get together to have a good time.” She wouldn’t take no for an answer.

“And one more thing, Jennie – you have to wear pink or red. It’s a Valentine’s party rule!”

[She mentions that her ex husband George was a surgeon, and while he wasn’t the greatest husband, he did okay on Valentine’s – he’d bring her flowers or candy in heart shaped boxes and so on]

Before I left for Pat’s I said a quick prayer. I hadn’t done a whole lot of praying since the breakup of my marriage. Sometimes I felt mad at God. Furious even.

Did he care that I was suddenly single at 60, an age when most couples were looking forward to retirement and spending time with their kids and grandkids together?

My prayer that evening was short and to the point: God, please show me how to be single.