What If Marriage Is Overrated? – A social psychologist has been chipping away at many claims about marriage changing one’s life for the better

What If Marriage Is Overrated? – A social psychologist has been chipping away at many claims about marriage changing one’s life for the better

(Link):  What If Marriage Is Overrated?  by Jesse Singal
– A social psychologist has been chipping away at many claims about marriage changing one’s life for the better

When I attended the American Psychological Association’s annual conference in Denver last August, the best and most well-attended talk I saw was by (Link): Bella DePaulo, a social psychologist at the University of California, Santa Barbara, who studies single people.

For years, DePaulo has been chipping away at the commonly held belief — a myth, in her view and according to her research — that marriage offers unique happiness and well-being benefits. These findings are seriously overstated or misleading, DePaulo has argued, and if there weren’t so much intense social pressure to get married, a lot more people would be single, and many of them might be happier as a result.

Continue reading “What If Marriage Is Overrated? – A social psychologist has been chipping away at many claims about marriage changing one’s life for the better”

Singleness: My Only Companion by E. Uwan

Singleness: My Only Companion by E. Uwan

This was originally sent to me by a Twitter friend of mine, ymmarta. So thank you to ymmarta to sending this link my way.

The following is written by a woman who has never been married, engaged, or had a boyfriend.

(Link): Singleness: My Only Companion by E. Uwan

Some excerpts:

I’ve never been in a serious relationship despite my desire to one day marry. God is teaching me to hold that desire loosely.

 … This is my story, this is my song: I am a 30-something single woman and I have never been in a dating relationship. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never brought anyone home to meet my family. I’ve never been pursued or even sought after.
Continue reading “Singleness: My Only Companion by E. Uwan”

I Probably Wouldn’t Be Discussing My Sexual Choices If Other People Would Shut Up About Theirs

I Probably Wouldn’t Be Discussing My Sexual Choices If Other People Would Shut Up About Theirs

I suppose my main basis for having started this blog a few years ago is that I am single and was wanting to get married, and I couldn’t figure out why I was still single – then I thought back, reflected, on how most churches ignore or disrespect single adults merely for being single. And I was not seeing this discussed much, or not consistently, on Christian sites.

But then I also started noticing how most people, Christians included, are terribly rude and disrespectful, towards people who are not having sex.

I just wanted to say I probably would not have started this blog about being a celibate adult (and being single), or write about celibacy as much as I did, if the church and most of society would shut up about sex and marriage.

I’m not the kind of person who goes around blabbing about her sexual status to people – certainly not announcing it all over the place, or not to friends or co-workers.

Continue reading “I Probably Wouldn’t Be Discussing My Sexual Choices If Other People Would Shut Up About Theirs”

Over 30, Single and Very Content – via Relevant

Over 30, Single and Very Content

(Link):  Over 30, Single and Very Content

Excerpts:

It doesn’t just need to be a waiting period until marriage.
– – – – – – – – – – –

I am over 30 and single. There, I said it! It was tough but phew, it’s out there, now you know. Excuse me whilst I go hide under a rock from shame or embarrassment or both

…You wait and remain optimistic and you pray regularly (verging on obsessively, might I add) for that spouse, someone who will be the other half of you but after realizing potential husband number 23 was also just playing you while doing the same to six other girls, you start to lose heart.
…How did this happen? You watch each of your friends get married and wonder what you did wrong. Is this punishment for something, am I not trying hard enough, am I simply not “enough”?

Dad Buys Full-Page $900 Newspaper Ad Seeking a Wife for His 48 Year Old, Never Married Son

Dad Buys Full-Page $900 Newspaper Ad Seeking a Wife for His 48 Year Old, Never Married Son

I hope this father realizes that men over 40 who father kids are more likely to father a kid with various diseases, see link 1, link 2, link 3.

(Link): Dad places newspaper ad to find wife for son

(Link):  Dad seeks ‘wife’ for 48-year-old son with full-page newspaper ad

(Link):  Wife wanted: Dad places spouse-needed ad in Idaho newspaper

  • The ad gives a brief description of Brooks, including a photo with the disclaimer, “I look just like my picture, except I now have grey hair.” The “About You” section states applicants “Will be attractive being height and weight proportional.” It also goes on to say that applicants should be prepared to have children with Brooks and also be a stay-at- home mom.

(Link):  MEDDLING BEVERLY HILLS DAD PUTS OUT FULL-PAGE AD TO FIND 48-YEAR-OLD SON A WIFE

  • He said his father has been ill and wants a grandson to carry on the family name.Brooks compared his father to Larry David’s character in the TV series “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” saying he “thinks he does the right thing, and then it all blows up in his face.”

    He said he’d never buy an ad like this himself, but “it’s worth a shot. Can’t hurt.”

(Link):  Full-page newspaper ad seeking wife

(Link): Dad Buys Full-Page $900 Newspaper Ad Seeking a Wife for His 48 Year Old, Never Married Son

  • One father in Beverly Hills is trying to find his son a wife the old-fashioned way.
  • Arthur Brooks, 78, spent $900 on a full-page ad in Idaho’s Coeur d’Alene Press newspaper using the headline “Looking For a Wife.”

Continue reading “Dad Buys Full-Page $900 Newspaper Ad Seeking a Wife for His 48 Year Old, Never Married Son”

When Newsweek ‘Struck Terror in the Hearts of Single Women’ – Bogus Study Said Women Over 40 More Likely To Be Killed By A Terrorist Than to Marry

When Newsweek ‘Struck Terror in the Hearts of Single Women’ – Bogus Study Said Women Over 40 More Likely To Be Killed By A Terrorist Than to Marry

I was maybe a teen or in my 20s when this study came out. I remember at the time thinking it sounded pretty questionable and stupid.

(Link):  When Newsweek ‘Struck Terror in the Hearts of Single Women’ by M. Garber

Excerpts:

  • Thirty years ago, the magazine declared that single women over 40 are more likely to be killed by terrorism than to get married—prompting a nationwide crisis whose anxiety still lingers.
  • …Thirty years later—the publication date of the article was June 2—it’s easy to forget that the so-pervasive-as-to-be- (Link): Ephroned marriage-and-terrorism stat was plucked from a single piece of journalism that was in turn based on a study that was, at the time of the story’s publication, unpublished. It’s also easy to forget, given its resonance, that the stat comes from an article that has since been so (Link): thoroughly (Link): debunked, by demographers and sociologists and media outlets alike, that Newsweek, 20 years after the fact, (Link): retracted it.

Continue reading “When Newsweek ‘Struck Terror in the Hearts of Single Women’ – Bogus Study Said Women Over 40 More Likely To Be Killed By A Terrorist Than to Marry”

Woman Burned To Death For Refusing Marriage Proposal

Woman Burned To Death For Refusing Marriage Proposal

And there are some whiny, cry-baby men who think THEY have single life harder – news flash, (Link): you don’t have it worse, men: men usually are not murdered by jealous women over turning down dates or proposals.

While I’d say that the root of this case involves a lot of misogyny and patriarchy, I think perhaps a small factor is an over-emphasis upon marriage.

Perhaps if cultures like this one were taught that being single and/or celibate are perfectly fine lifestyles to live, we wouldn’t see people feel so pressured to marry, and they would realize they can control their sexual urges. Therefore, women would not be killed for turning down dates, requests for sex, or marriage proposals.

You don’t have to be married, or have sex, to enjoy life or be happy and content. (I am not knocking a desire to be married, you realize, only saying if it does not happen for you, you will survive – and realize you can enjoy life without marriage or sex.)

Dollars to doughnuts that everyone in this news story was Muslim.

If so, I’d like to say again I see striking parallels between Islamic attitudes and behaviors towards women as I do from some gender complementarian or Quiverfull Christian groups, as well as sexist men and MRA (Men’s Rights Activists) groups – they all treat women like second-class citizens to be controlled by men and are considered to have value only in- so- far as they breed like rabbits and/or provide men with sex.

(Link): Pakistani woman dies after being set on fire for rejecting marriage proposal

  • By Azadeh Ansari and Sophia Saifi, CNN
  • Updated 11:47 AM ET, Thu June 2, 2016
  • Islamabad, Pakistan (CNN)- An 18-year-old Pakistani schoolteacher died Wednesday from injuries after her body was set on fire for refusing a marriage proposal, police said.
  • The perpetrators beat Maria Abbasi, then drenched her in petrol and set her body ablaze before leaving her for dead, her family members told CNN.
  • Continue reading “Woman Burned To Death For Refusing Marriage Proposal”

    Salvation Army Bans Duggar / Quivering Cult’s ‘Retreat’ (Called ‘Get Them Married’) that Promoted Arranged Marriages for Teen Girls – Quivering Advocates Are Anti-Adult Singleness and Anti-Celibacy

    Salvation Army Bans Duggar / Quivering Cult’s ‘Retreat’ (Called ‘Get Them Married’) that Promoted Arranged Marriages for Teen Girls – Quivering Advocates Are Anti-Adult Singleness and Anti-Celibacy 

    Before I present you with the links to the news reports about this story (which are much farther down the page), I wanted to make some introductory comments in general, and a few specific comments refuting a few points from a pro-Quivering page about celibacy.

    In regards to the specific news story I am blogging about today, this Quivering group is completely overlooking Apostle Paul’s comments in (Link): 1 Corinthians 7 that it is better for people to remain single than it is to marry – and Paul does not say that this teaching is in regards only to “a few,” or only a “minority” of people.

    The Bible nowhere states that marriage is “a norm,” or that God expects or wants all, or most, people to marry.

    It just so happens that in other cultures thousands of years ago, most people did happen to marry – one should not deduce from this cultural situation that God supported it or wanted it to be so. It just was what it was.

    If the Bible said that all or most ancient Jews painted their bodies green once a year and balanced weasels on their heads while jumping up and down on a watermelon one week out of a year, one should not assume from this that

    • 1. God created that cultural practice and/or that
    • 2. God wanted Americans in the year 2016 to practice these things as well.

    The Quivering group’s position on marriage, celibacy, and singleness is unbiblical, not to mention disturbing.

    According to this article (linked to much farther below), the Quivering group was going to call this event, (where they set up marriages for little girls to marry), “Get Them Married.”

    Why not have an event called, per 1 Corinthians 7, “It Is Better To Stay Unmarried”?

    Am I opposed to marriage? No.

    Is the God of the Bible against marriage? No.

    But the Bible does not say that being married is better or more holy for girls, women, or culture, than being single, but a lot of Christian groups, and these wacky Christian cults, insist otherwise.

    Christians need to do a better job of recognizing adult singleness and celibacy as legitimate, godly, biblical lifestyles and choices for all persons (and not only meant for a small minority of people who were supposedly “gifted” with it), instead of promoting marriage and natalism as the only legitimate avenues or as ways of fixing culture, the nation, or as pleasing God.

    Continue reading “Salvation Army Bans Duggar / Quivering Cult’s ‘Retreat’ (Called ‘Get Them Married’) that Promoted Arranged Marriages for Teen Girls – Quivering Advocates Are Anti-Adult Singleness and Anti-Celibacy”

    Why Do Churches Treat Singleness Like a Problem? via Relevant Magazine

    Why Do Churches Treat Singleness Like a Problem? via Relevant Magazine

    I first saw this link Tweeted by Defend The Sheep’s Twitter.

    • My blog stalker, (Link): John Morgan will now probably blog about this on his blog (without crediting myself and/or Defend the Sheep), or, he’ll probably leave a comment on this blog post:

    (Link):  Why Do Churches Treat Singleness Like a Problem? via Relevant Magazine, by R. Karman

    Excerpts:

    • Please don’t misunderstand me, I do wish to be un-single one day. I do want to have children, and I am not opposed to dating. I am not rejecting all potential relationships and I love the concept of marriage, I really do.
    • …But, marriage is not God’s only gift.
    • And it is not the central focus of my life’s trajectory, either. Though, to my disappointment, it feels like until finding “the one” becomes my top priority, I may never fully fit into the mold many within the Church long for me to embody.
    • At the age of 29, I was turned away by couples-only small groups, told by the attendants—some of my closest friends—that we were no longer in the same stage of life, then placed in a group with recent college graduates.
    • ….I’ve been told that I will not truly know what it means to love until I am married with children.

    Continue reading “Why Do Churches Treat Singleness Like a Problem? via Relevant Magazine”

    Eight Ways to Rethink the Conversation About Singleness by K. Kreminski

    Eight Ways to Rethink the Conversation About Singleness by K. Kreminski

    • PREFACE: my blog stalker, John Morgan, is probably going to take this link I spotted today and share it on his own blog, reference it on his own blog, or visit this other blog to leave a comment there.
    • The guy apparently takes content from my blog without giving me credit, which is not only dishonest or unfair, but it’s hypocritical, because in the past he deemed me untrustworthy for not stating my real name on my blog or posts.
    • If you think I am untrustworthy for using a pen name, or for whatever reason, stop taking any links, content, and ideas from my blog to use on your own blog, or to run over to other sites I link to in order to leave comments there. You are being a huge hypocrite.
    • Please see (Link): this post for more on John Morgan or (Link): this post. Thank you.

    This blog post by Kreminski about singleness (link and excerpt much farther below) hits on several points I’ve been raising on my own blog for the last 3 or 4 years:

    Christians are already too marriage focused, and in their defensive posture of saving culture and marriage from what they perceive as threats (such as homosexual marriage and liberalism), they hype marriage to the exclusion of singleness.

    Some conservatives and Christians go so far as to denigrate singleness in order to extol marriage, something the Bible never does. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7 it is better to stay single than marry, and that marriage does nothing but bring people problems in life.

    I have also noted on my blog many times before that the demographics in our nation (and others) have shifted with more people staying single over their lifetimes, or, if they marry, they are marrying at much older ages than they used to. Most conservative expressions of Christianity, however, continue to cater to married couples.

    Out of the Christians who do notice this demographic shift, they shame singles for being singles and promote something called “early marriage.” These Christians shame and scold Christians to get married, rather than just accept them in their single status.

    In previous blog posts, I have also discussed what I termed “Married People Privilege.” Married people, especially ones with children, like to think that their lives are ten times more difficult than that of childless singles.

    Continue reading “Eight Ways to Rethink the Conversation About Singleness by K. Kreminski”

    A Valentine for the Single Christian by K L Bishop

    A Valentine for the Single Christian by K L Bishop

    She says a lot of things in her post I’ve been saying on my blog for years. So if you appreciate some of the points I’ve been making on my blog, you should probably dig this.

    (Link): A Valentine for the Single Christian by K L Bishop

    Excerpts:

    • …. It seems that being single in the church is a difficult situation these days. Many churches have made marriage and family somewhat of an idol. There have probably been millions of sermons delivered on dating, courting, marriage, waiting for marriage, etc.
    • But it is not often that our pastors preach to the adult singles in the pews, or encourage people to embrace their singleness.

    Continue reading “A Valentine for the Single Christian by K L Bishop”

    Romantic Comedies: When Stalking Has a Happy Ending (from The Atlantic) / Men Who Mistake Platonic Friendliness For Flirting – So Annoying

    Romantic Comedies: When Stalking Has a Happy Ending (from The Atlantic)

    Some people confuse what this article from The Atlantic terms “persistent pursuing” with courtship. That is, men do it all the time, and some women, due to Hollywood Rom Coms, have been conditioned to view this as normal, romantic behavior.

    May I add another related issue: men who mistake platonic chit chat with flirting?

    That drives me up the wall. It’s one reason I am usually loathe to enter into pleasantries with men I don’t know when I’m in stores or sitting around in waiting rooms, because many men mistake idle, polite banter for,

    • “Oooh, this lady is into me, she is warm for my form, she wants to marry me and make babies with me, I am one sexy beast, grrrrr.”

    So these men ask for your phone number or they get all flirty back. And you, the woman, are like, “I did NOT send this dude any sexy signals, where is this coming from?”

    No, dude, my romantic interest is only in your imagination. (Duran Duran (Link): sang of this very concept.)

    Me saying stuff like, “Wow, some crazy weather we’ve been having lately, huh?” as we’re sitting in Wal-Mart’s auto care center waiting for our tires to be rotated is not me hitting on you.

    Me hitting on you, men of the world, consists of me putting one hand behind my head, one hand on a jutted out hip, head tilted back, eyes narrowly parted, and me saying something (in a seductive sounding, cat like purr), like, “Hey there big boy, you come here all alone? Mama likes what she sees! May I have your phone number? Are you free for a date this Saturday?”

    Think (Link): this.

    Yes, (Link): this is what a woman who is flirting with you looks like, the facial expression and mannerisms.

    About men who refuse to take “no” for an answer from a woman they are interested in, who confuse pursuing with stalking: other than entitlement, I wonder if what drives some of these men is a sense that they HATE to be alone and MUST have a romantic partner to “complete them.”

    I know this sort of thinking is very common among a lot of women. I think secular society (and Christian culture) does try to convince people there is no way they can be whole and happy single. There is a lot of pressure on people to pair up and date or marry.

    Culture (especially through movies and TV shows) and churches need to stop sending this bogus message that there is something wrong, flawed, or second class about being single as an adult.

    There is no disgrace in being single. I understand if you are single and lonely and pine for a significant other how hard it can be at times, but you are okay on your own.

    You are not some loser or in-complete if you don’t have a mate, contrary to the messages Christians and Hollywood like to send us all.

    (Link):  Romantic Comedies: When Stalking Has a Happy Ending by Julie Beck

    Excerpts:

    • Overly persistent pursuit is a staple of movie love stories, but a new study shows that it could normalize some troubling behaviors.
    • …Reasonable people know that rom-coms aren’t what love is really like, just as reasonable people know that porn is not what sex is really like. But these movies still create an image of romance that leaks into the atmosphere and may subtly shape people’s perceptions and expectations of love.
    •  One troubling way they may do that is by making stalking behaviors seem like a normal part of romance, according to (Link): a new study by Julia Lippman, a postdoctoral fellow in the department of communication studies at the University of Michigan.
    • …[Lipman says] “Indeed, they may be seen as reflecting one of the great cultural myths of romantic love: that no matter how big the obstacle, love will conquer all.”
    • The website TV Tropes, which tracks, wiki-style, frequently-used narrative devices—not just on TV, but in all kinds of fiction—has a page for this. It’s aptly titled (Link): “Stalking Is Love.”Lippman files stalking under the broader umbrella of “persistent pursuit,” which can also encompass “more benign and even positively regarded behaviors such as some types of romantic courtship,” she writes.

      Continue reading “Romantic Comedies: When Stalking Has a Happy Ending (from The Atlantic) / Men Who Mistake Platonic Friendliness For Flirting – So Annoying”

    Jesus Christ Removed the Stigma, Shame From Being Single and Childless – by David Instone Brewer

    Jesus Christ Removed the Stigma, Shame From Being Single and Childless – by David Instone Brewer

    ——-

    Reminder:

    (Link): Blogger Guy John Morgan Who Accused Me Of Being Untrustworthy Finds My Blog Trustworthy Enough to Use as Resource

    ———

    These are just excerpts, so you’ll have to visit the link here to read the page in full:

    (Link): Bible Scandals (Ineligible Bachelor) by David Instone-Brewer

    Commenting on what it was like to be single in the time and culture of Jesus:

    • …. Girls were mostly married by the age of twelve, and if a man wasn’t married by the age of twenty the gossips started comparing notes and looking for a reason.
    • …. So why was Jesus still single at the age of thirty? It was clear to all who knew him. No-one would let his daughter marry someone of questionable parentage since, if there was any irregularity in their birth, it could cast doubt on the legitimacy of their children for ten generations. And Jesus’ birth, as everyone knew, was very irregular.
    • …. Jesus not only shared the stigma of being single – he also tried to do something to alleviate it for other single people. Jewish law excused eunuchs from the command to marry, because they couldn’t physically fulfil the duty to have children.

    Continue reading “Jesus Christ Removed the Stigma, Shame From Being Single and Childless – by David Instone Brewer”

    Adult Singles Do Not Need A Marital Partner to Be Whole or Complete

    Adult Singles Do Not Need A Marital Partner to Be Whole or Complete

    I only wanted to offer a very brief commentary on this editorial at The Christian Post,

    (Link): Message to Vicky Beeching: The Logic of Creation, Not ‘Psychoanalysis by a Stranger’

    Here is the portion of the editorial I wished to address:

    • BY ROBERT A. J. GAGNON
    • It doesn’t require individual knowledge of Ms. Beeching [lesbian singer] to know that she errs when she regards another woman as her “other half,” as her sexual complement or counterpart since obviously she is whole as a woman and is not in need of joining herself to another woman to supplement whatever she may falsely perceive to be lacking in her femaleness.
    • That is a given, so long as her existence as a woman is not questioned (and I, for one, do not question it). It is obvious that, sexually speaking, the appropriate counterpart to a woman (anatomically, physiologically, psychologically) is a man, not another woman.
    • ….And yet the image of marriage in Genesis 2 is that the two halves of the sexual spectrum, man and woman, reunite into a single, integrated sexual whole. She is already intact in relation to her own sex; it’s the other half of the sexual spectrum that she doesn’t have covered.

    Depending on how this author is meaning to use this argumentation, it can be damaging to never-married, divorced, or widowed adults.

    I am unaware of any Bible passage that teaches that a person, in an un-married state, needs a partner of the opposite gender to “complete” them or “compliment” them.

    The Bible seems to teach that adult singles, such as Jesus Christ and the Apostle Paul, are whole and complete on their own.

    If you want to argue against lesbianism, that is your right, but I’d be very careful of framing the debate in terms that lay the groundwork for the notion that adult singles – who are complete in Jesus alone – need a husband to be fulfilled, whole, or serving God’s purpose.

    Paul wrote,

    • Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.
    • But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
    • (1 Corinthians 7)

    The author does go on to say,

    • And yet a homosexual union violates directly the very foundation of “male and female God made them” upon which Jesus bases a limitation of two persons to a sexual union, since it disposes altogether with a male-female requirement.

    If the author is arguing along the context of gender roles and sexuality vis a vis the marriage debate, that only a male spouse can “complete” a female partner in some sense, rather than another female, I don’t have much to quibble with there.

    But sometimes, I have seen other authors, or preachers, maintain the false idea that a person is not truly whole, complete, or a mature adult until and unless she marries a man – and this is simply not in the Bible at all.

    A person does not need to be having sex, or pro-creating, to be sexual or to be whole or complete, either. Celibate adults are not “less than” their married counterparts.


    Related posts:

    (Link):  According to Pastor – Jimmy Evans – It Takes One Man and Woman Married To Equal A Whole – so where does that leave Christian singles ?

    (Link):  Pope Francis Perpetuates Christian Falsehood that One Man, One Woman Married Equals Image of God – (which in effect leading to: ) Teaches Single / Unmarried Do Not Reflect God That Singles Are Sub Human or Only One Half A Person / This Is An Anti Singles View and Is Unbiblical

    (Link): Christian TV Personality ( Jimmy Evans ) Says You Cannot Meet God’s Destiny For Your Life Without A Spouse = Anti Singleness Singlehood Singles Bias Prejudice Making Idol out of Marriage

    (Link): Why Unmarried – Single Christians Should Be Concerned about the Gender Role Controversy – because some Christians are teaching that unmarried people are not fully human or not “whole” – preachers who teach that single people are not fully in God’s image unless they get married